It was a long walk. Zuko felt cold. Even with his inner fire burning hot, the warm rays of life from Agni shining on him, the boy shivered as he navigated the pathways and courtyards of the Royal Palace.

He had taken the long way around. An understatement: he had taken the scenic route's scenic route. Simply calling it 'long' didn't do the prince's meandering justice. Zuko didn't want to see anyone else, he didn't want to be seen by anyone else. To have his shame exposed to the world. Even though the evidence of his deviancy was gone, nobody save one knowing his deeds, Zuko felt the need to hide himself from the world. He knew what he had done, infiltrating what was sacred and not for his eyes. Unlike his sister, he could not hide his guilt and dishonor so easily. Play pretend innocence as if it were all a fun game. No, it wasn't just everyone else judging Zuko, it was Zuko judging Zuko also.

Which was why he found himself exploring the rarely-visited wings, crooks and crevices of his home. Not only did it shield him from the gaze of others, but his own as well, somewhat.

And there was also fear:

Azula always lies.

There was some part of him, some hidden intuition that told Zuko that this time his sister was being genuine. But he had thought that many a time before, many broken promises ago. Zuko didn't know what to think. Was she telling the others right now, her promise empty words to stop him from crying? Or would she hold it over him in perpetuity, a secret that could with ease turn his life asunder. He could never understand Azula.

Out here those things didn't matter. As long as he stayed away from Mother and Father and Azula and everyone he didn't have to find out what she decided to do, what consequences he would face. With distance came security like a warm blanket against the boy's shivers, and he welcomed that, cherishing every moment of freedom. It was temporary - that he knew, no matter how much his father and sister insisted he was a fool - but Zuko was willing to take temporary right now. A moment's respite away from one's problems, before reality's reckoning, was everything when one didn't have anything to look forward to.

Though such thoughts didn't stop his mind from wandering. Zuko could never seem to quiet his mind, to achieve that 'inner calm and peace' that everyone around him seemed to think he should (though the boy wondered if father only desired such things from him because it would keep him quiet). Zuko was a fighter, through and through. What he wasn't given like Azula he had to make for himself. And although the boy reeled from the events previous, there was always a corner of his mind that continued to think forward even when he wanted to do anything but.

Zuko wondered what others would think of him. Mother had always supported him, no matter how hard he failed or how far he fell in his father's eyes. To her, it didn't matter when he didn't succeed, only that he picked himself up to try once again. It was comforting, to be supported so unconditionally in a world teeming with people constantly comparing you to others. But would she still stand behind him after this? Before his cause was righteous. But now...

Deviant. Pervert.

Zuko didn't want to believe mother would abandon him ever. But another voice told him that such hope was foolish, that she would scold him just like any other time he had done something wrong and stand by as he received by the ire of the Firelord - as was her wont increasingly since grandfather had passed.

Father

It was perhaps the Firelord that the boy feared the most. He had always said that Zuko would one day become a man and seek out the companionship of girls, though somehow the boy doubted that this is what he meant. Was it? He searched, but Zuko could not tell from where this strange impulse arose. Was he really a... sexual deviant? Father had said that boys liked girls and girls liked boys, except for a select few who were wrong. He had heard of whispers of such an affliction at the Fire Academy (usually used as an insult towards those even less successful than him), though speaking of it outright was forbidden, illegal since Sozin's time.

Was Zuko this manner of deviant? Dressing wrongly to lure others into some kind of perverted trap? He had felt exhilarated, excited in the moment. To finally carry out what he had idly considered many times...

No.

No!

He was not wrong and he certainly wasn't trying to... lure anyone. No. Zuko would not accept that deep within him was an evil. He was a good person who wanted to make his nation proud, make his father proud. He didn't want to go down in history as one of the many Firelords and Fire Princes who were listed in the family tree but never spoken about except in hushed whispers, for their deeds had been purged from time. No.

Then... what?

I wanted to look like you.

It was no use. Zuko would be castigated in front of everyone for this if he found out. All because he was jealous of his sister. There was no excuse, not even an inkling of a rational reason for his actions. He doubted even Uncle and all his wisdom could find one, even if he weren't on some spiritual walkabout.

All Zuko had to rely on was his sister's word. And that made him shiver, moreso than the evening winter air.