Breathe. Just... breathe. Conceal, conceal, conceal. Don't feel. Don't you dare. You've done this a million times. Don't make eye contact.
"Elsa... Hi! It's so nice to see you! Are you heading to your lessons now? I've just finished mine! Can I walk you there? Please? It's been a while since–"
Keep walking. Hurry. Don't look at her. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Carry your books and look straight ahead. You're almost there. Your tutor is waiting. You can do this. Please stop following me. Please- I'm begging you...
"Elsa, it's been snowing so much lately and I wonder if you want to build a snowman with me sometime... when you're not busy of course. Do you still remember how to build one? Papa told me you're doing a lot of super-duper important princess stuff. Don't worry, you're gonna be a great queen someday! You're smarter and beautifuller than all the other princesses out there!"
Of course I remember. I was the one who taught you the recipe to making a proper snowman... remember? And it's "more beautiful". I'm not beautiful, you're beautiful...and a little taller. And you have more freckles on your face. How is that even possible? Your voice changed, too. How were your math lessons? Are you using my old books? I wrote the equations on some pages so they're easier to remember. Did you see? Geometry is not that bad! Last night, I've dreamt I was helping you solve–– no. Those dreams are dangerous. Keep walking. Focus.
"Elsa, I really miss you."
Why did her voice crack? She sounds a little like Mama when Mama's... wait. Is she cr–– no. Don't turn around. Don't. Don't. Don't. Why is this library so far away?! Keep. Walking.
"I'm gonna... I'll go away now."
Steady. Focus. Breathe. You cannot cry. Stop it. Do not cry. Let go. Let go.
"I'm right out here for you, okay?"
Monster. You're a monster. You will never see another sunny day. Not with her. Not with anyone, ever. Keep walking, you pathetic excuse of a human being.
"I'm sorry for bothering you. I... I love you, Elsa."
Please go. Please don't go. Please go. Breathe.
How do I breathe and let you go?
"Princess El– Her Majesty will not be attending the ceremony."
I know.
"I pleaded with her, but…"
I did, too. More than you'll ever know.
"–and the council and I will walk you through this. You don't need to worry about preparations for the staff will handle all of that… Princess Anna?"
Keep it together. Look up.
Speak.
"I understand. Thank you, Kai."
Kai paused, expecting to be asked questions. Justified anger. A screaming tantrum. But there was nothing but silence. Unfamiliar and piercing and hollow. Anna simply stared at her shoes, refusing to meet Kai's apologetic gaze.
Where are your manners? Look. Up.
"Is…. is there anything else, Your Highness?"
Politeness and years of etiquette training that she had momentarily forgotten took precedence, and Anna lifted her head to force a small smile. She didn't find it in her to correct him and to remind him like she had countless times to address her as just Anna. That was who she was after all: Just Anna.
Just the princess. Just the other sister. Just… an orphan.
The last thought nearly crumbled the weak wall of a facade that she had been trying to keep intact, for she knew that one wrong move and one wrong thought could make it all collapse. There was no time to cry, no time to break down, no time to process her own grief.
Today, she wasn't just Anna. In her sister's absence, she needed to be Princess Anna, the second heir to the throne, and the one everyone looked up to during this time of shock and tragedy.
The back-up. The spare.
"That will be all. Please tell the others to get ready," she said, her voice raspy and weak, as she turned around to face the windows overlooking the gates and the town beyond it. The grounds and the trees lining the kingdom were covered in snow, peculiar and out of place in the middle of September. But Anna did not have the energy to wonder why.
Her parents were somewhere deep in the sea. Probably decayed and mangled by now, forever lost and never to be found again. She didn't care about the stupid snow or the fact that there had been a blizzard the night news broke of her parents' demise. It was all background noise to her as she remained still while the castle staff panicked, undeterred by the cold and the confusion it brought. She simply did not have the strength to react to anything else.
Kai could almost hear her mind whirring, thinking of all that was to take place today, and his arms twitched a little, instinctively wanting to scoop her in his arms like he had done so many times in the past, only to stop when Anna tilted her head to her side.
With her arms outstretched and her palms pressed against the window sill, Anna looked like she was carrying the weight of the entire kingdom on her shoulders. A wave of discomfort with a twinge of nostalgia pinched Kai's heart as he continued to watch her, an unreadable expression written all over her face.
She was just a child and she looked so, so small compared to the tall, looming windows that surrounded her.
He had seen that posture and that melancholy face countless of times.
From another child. One who barely spoke and barely smiled.
The child who was also his queen.
Kai suddenly felt more depleted than he did before as he lowered his arm that had unconsciously started to reach out. As Anna turned to face him once more, he looked her in the eyes, searching for any signs of life or the vigor that seemed to always be there, but was met only with emptiness.
Princess Anna.
What used to be a title so endearing now sounded so heavy. Like a chasm had formed between them. Anna was no longer a child and wrapping his arms around her wouldn't fix years of hurt. It couldn't cure a heartbreak that he himself could not even begin to fathom. It wouldn't make Elsa open her door, and it wouldn't make their parents come back.
"Gerda will come and fetch you shortly," Kai said, breaking the silence between them as guilt started to creep up from the pit of his stomach. "I'm so sorry, Anna…" he whispered as he bowed, his quiet departure unnoticed when Anna turned to the windows again, watching people trudging the snow-covered grounds, all dressed in black for the occasion.
I can't do this. I don't want to do this.
"Princess Anna? It's… it's time to go."
Stop knocking. Please leave me alone.
"–that will be all for now, Anders. No… the queen will remain here. Please go downstairs and tell the others to go right ahead. Her Highness just needs a little more time."
Get it together. Breathe. You need to do this.
"Anna? It's me, Gerda. Just take your time, dear…I'm right out here for you. There's no rush."
It's only for today.
"–a few more minutes, Mathilde. They can wait."
Take a step.
"–What do you mean? Flurries? I… I suppose it would be appropriate to wear coats. Yes, please grab one for the princess as well."
Step again.
"Tell the guards to open up the gates. I'm ready."