The view of the castle tonight was almost eerie how quiet it was. The evening was chilly and all the students were presumably just sitting down for dinner. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the meals prepared by the house elves or my late night ventures down to visit Posy and Dobby. I had since assumed the responsibility of making dinner since the twins were even worse at it than me. We agreed that we wanted more edible food so they decidedly cleaned up instead.
The night before I had sent a letter to Harry informing him that I was now officially part of the Order but I thought it best to leave out my schedule for Hogwarts duty in case the letter was intercepted.
Tonight I was paired with Tonks and it was still apparent how sullen she was acting. Her hair was coloured dull brown instead of its usual bright pink and her attitude was almost indifferent. I tried not to take it too personally, especially since I didn't know how eager the other Order members were to be paired up with the Girl Who Almost Went Mad; not the same ring to it as the Chosen One or the Boy Who Lived. I would put up with Tonks' moodiness to avoid being babied by anyone else or be kicked out altogether.
I kept a light pace around the grounds of the school, wishing I could stop in to see Hagrid since the light was on in his hut. But Tonks and I continued our rounds, meeting each other in the middle and taking turns with which sides we kept survey on.
"What was Remus like, when you were growing up I mean?" Tonks asked randomly mid-way through our shift, when I could feel my trainers becoming soggy from the dew on the grass.
I accepted Tonks' invitation to walk around together which was only indicated by her pleading expression and impatiently asked question.
"Erm- he was great. I mean it was always pretty cool with just dad and me, but when Harry came to live with us, it was like the four of us became a little family. Remus has always been there for me," I replied honestly, surprised Remus was the one Tonks wanted to talk about.
From some of my hushed conversations with Harry at St. Mungo's whenever dad stepped out to go get a tea, he would fill me in on the more interesting details. One of those being that Harry suspected Tonks was having a difficult time of it over Sirius' sudden death. I didn't understand how Remus fit into the equation.
But maybe Dumbledore or my dad or the others forbade anyone from bringing up such a raw topic whenever I was on duty. One couldn't risk setting off the Girl Who Almost Went Mad when we were tasked with keeping the school safe. I tried not taking it personally and humoured Tonks instead. She kept speaking as we made our way around the grounds, passing by the Black Lake.
"And his... moon problem… he never abandon you or your family because of it?" Tonks sounded exasperated but I didn't know what the right answer was for this situation.
Remus was always so private about being a werewolf, even if most of wizarding Britain knew about it now thanks to Snape and his petty revenge in my fifth year.
"Erm- no, I mean I always knew about his condition but he wasn't allowed in the house during the full moon. He did stay and recover in his bedroom at the cottage though every month," I explained, feeling uneasy now with the suspicion that I was somehow throwing Remus under the proverbial bus.
Tonks scoffed at my reply, further supporting my uneasy assumption, but she didn't say anything more. Instead we parted ways and continued our traipsing around the grounds.
After our brief conversation I felt a lot of things that I couldn't necessarily string together in my mind. Instead of further wondering about Tonks and Remus's connection to each other, I thought about my abrupt exit from Hogwarts last year. I didn't have a proper send off for my graduation like I always dreamed. Instead, I left Hogwarts promptly on the back of a thestral, making this my first time back since then. If I was being honest, I felt that my Hogwarts experience was good up until the third event of the Triwizard Tournament. After that, despite the efforts of my friends and especially Fred, the castle had felt haunted. I didn't want that to be my parting feelings for the school that had been my home for so long. I met my best friends there, reconnected with my brother, and ultimately fell in love- twice- within the walls of the castle. Despite all the pain and suffering that sometimes still flooded my mind and made me feel fragile, I didn't want the pain to be what defined my experience.
Somewhere within the walls Harry was still there, going to classes, making new memories with his friends, and maybe even finding his own love- but hopefully not with Cho Chang. Harry also didn't have a normal school experience, with Voldemort always out to get him. But that's why I was here and had joined the Order, to keep everyone safe, even if I felt weak.
Despite contemplating the events that scarred my memories, my first shift with the Order was fairly uneventful. But since those who were in-and-out most days from Grimmauld Place had wanted to make sure I survived my first shift, both Tonks and I returned to headquarters once Dedalus Diggle and Mundungus Fletcher arrived to take our places.
Tonks and I stayed quiet for our short journey and my previous worry that she hadn't wanted to be partnered with me or was still too upset over Sirius's death quickly turned into scepticism over what she was actually so upset about; enough to dilute and interfere with her metamorphmagus abilities.
Our entrance into Grimmauld Place was met with the sound of raised voices from the kitchen. I grabbed onto Tonks when she fell since I didn't want to let on that we had arrived yet. I knew they were talking about me, hearing my name uttered by Mad-Eye of all people.
"O'Hara survived that torture chamber and is on duty three months after Kingsley got her out," his voice was gruff and decisive and I was so glad to have him in my corner.
I worried that if Mad-Eye had said no above anyone else, I wouldn't be able to be part of the Order.
"And it is precisely why it has been only three months that we should be worried. She still does that mumbling thing whenever she gets overwhelmed, having to confirm who everyone is in her head. What if Bellatrix tries to breach Hogwarts, will Marnie even be able to fight back?" my father's voice was the opposite of Mad-Eye's, sounding unsure and worried.
I tensed at the fact that they were talking about me like this. We had already had a meeting discussing if I was ready for duty, and with Dumbledore's approval I was now an active member. This secret meeting of theirs, despite any good intentions, grated on my nerves. Tonks stayed uncharacteristically still at my side, looking even more sullen than she had been all evening. A couple months ago I would have expected her to get angry, maybe even clumsily barge into the meeting on my behalf, but now she stayed rooted in place. I still valued her solidarity even if her behaviour had changed, I couldn't fault her for that when we had all already been through so much.
"Has Fred said anything about the nightmares, is she getting better with those?" Mrs. Weasley's voice was also full of concern and I tried hard not to include her in my sudden irritation.
Mrs. Weasley was always the voice of concern, for all her children and those she considered like her children, equally. Her comment wasn't as surprising as the other ones. But I figured either no one knew the answer or someone shook their head since no one commented vocally about whether Fred had given a report. I was internally grateful for this, knowing Fred would never give a report on me behind my back. I always trusted Fred and he had already given me his support for joining the Order.
"I don't doubt Marnie's capability. She is a bright young witch who has overcome some impossible feats, but are we putting too much on her? We expect so much from her and Harry, and they are both still so young. Neither of them should ever have been at the Department of Mysteries, and Marnie being taken is proof of that," Remus finally interjected.
I felt more betrayed by Remus's comment since he was always more on our side, advocating against my father when he became too paternal. I wasn't the only one though who his comment had a negative impact on since Tonks shifted her weight beside me and I heard a collective pause from the other side of the door.
"You knew they were here Mad-Eye!" Molly chastised, assuming who it was before anyone even opened the door.
I didn't wait to see who opened it first, turning on my heel instead. Me coming here after my shift had been their idea but it was now apparent to me that this had been a setup to once again try and talk me out of being an Order member. At this point I didn't care how old I was or if I was considered traumatised. Everyone in that room had lost people and been through their own misery. Even if mine and Harry's was alarmingly stacked up, we were still dedicated to taking down Voldemort and protecting those we loved.
I knew Tonks had followed me out but neither of us said anything, wanting instead to get away before anyone made it outside.
"See you next week, Marnie?" Tonks asked, making her view known that she considered me an adequate ally.
I smiled back at her gratefully before she nodded in confirmation and disapparated a moment later. I followed suit, turning on the ball of my foot before appearing in front of the Leaky Cauldron. Everyone would know where I was going so I continued on quickly in case someone decided to follow after me.
Neither of the twins were at the store or flat when I unlocked the door and made my way inside. I wasn't surprised since they told me they were going out with Angelina to meet the team and had told me not to wait up. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to talk to Fred about anything just yet, especially since my father and I had always gotten along. I didn't want to chalk it up to teenaged rebellion, but I was overly frustrated by how I was being treated with kid gloves lately. I already knew what had happened to me was horrible and that I could have very easily been living out the rest of my days in the same ward as my mother, or even dead. But I was here and I had lived through it. There was no moving on when a war was brewing so I needed to get stronger and this wasn't helping. Plus, Harry didn't seem to be getting the same treatment and he was two years younger.
I ran a hot shower to warm up from the dewy night and crawled into Fred's bed with a cup of tea. I pulled out the book Sirius had chipped in to buy me last Christmas and read it until I fell asleep. I didn't even hear Fred come in and slept all the way through until morning, not even stirring when Fred got up early to open the shop. I was getting better, and I didn't have the patience for hearing the opposite.
XX
I ended up writing Harry the next morning, still feeling frustrated and knowing he would understand. I got his heated reply the following day, reading that the fact that I was alive was proof enough of how resilient I was. Fred and George also agreed, meaning the three of us boycotted the next Order meeting and only attended our shifts as scheduled. Until anything happened, and the Daily Prophet was a good enough source to read between the lines to see if there were any changes, I knew the only thing to be discussed was me.
Tonks and the twins were the only partners I teamed up with and Mad-Eye never said anything to the contrary.
Things on Harry's end were sounding much more interesting. Aside from his suspicion of Malfoy being a Death Eater and his brotherly concern for Fred being my more permanent roommate, he also talked a lot about the new Potion's Master, Horace Slughorn.
Between Harry and the twins I was mostly all caught up on things that happened between the Department of Mysteries and my hospital stay. I knew Dumbledore requested Harry's help to convince this professor to return to Hogwarts; apparently he had taught my mother. This also meant Snape was teaching Defense and Harry was having a terrible time of it, maybe only slightly better than last year with Umbridge.
A happier topic was that Harry made quidditch captain and finally had the team together. I was happy to hear that Ron remade the team as keeper while Ginny was chaser. Losing most of the team was a major hit and Harry was taking the role very seriously. Angelina and the twins were always asking for reports but all three of them remained sceptical of Ron's place on the team. Even though Ron had helped to win Gryffindor the cup last year, Angelina remembered how difficult it was to train him whenever he lost his confidence.
But what Harry talked about most was that because Slughorn accepted him into Potions he was able to continue working towards a career of becoming an auror. I admitted to Fred one night that I was nervous for Harry, but we both agreed that if Harry was this supportive of me joining the Order then I should be supportive of his ambitions. It wasn't like danger was going to stop following us around like a dark cloud anyways.
The final topic of conversation was much more vague, Harry mentioning that he was meeting with Dumbledore regularly but couldn't disclose any details which made me curious. I decided to trust Dumbledore again, especially after our conversation when I first joined the Order.
This was the main reason I decided to finally attended an official Order meeting after the first couple months. It was now late autumn, when the season started to turn cold.
Despite the evident rift that had spread between me and my father, I had fallen into a normal routine between helping out at the shop and doing shifts for the Order at Hogwarts. Harry knew I was on the grounds sometimes but I still hadn't run into him or the others.
I was curious then to hear a report from Dumbledore and decided with the twins that if the meeting turned its attention onto me that I would just object and leave. I was finished talking about my abduction and the scars it had left behind.
When I entered Grimmauld Place in between the twins, they both didn't give anyone a chance to approach me, all three of us taking our seats together at the end of the table. My father was already here, sitting beside Mrs. Weasley who both looked at the three of us with expressions of parental concern.
We were late in our arrival, planning it that way to limit the opportunities for anyone to bring up any unpleasant topics of conversation. So I was relieved when Dumbledore was prompt in his arrival and the meeting commenced as soon as he sat down. Despite the more tangent-based speeches I remembered Dumbledore giving at school, here he gave his report quite succinctly, informing everyone of the more covert operations of the Order. I was shocked to find out that Remus was infiltrating the werewolf pack, something I knew he would struggle with. I knew from a few hushed discussions during my childhood who Fenrir Greyback was, and the fact that he was still highly affiliated with the British pack was enough to turn my stomach. But I kept my reactions to myself and waited to hear about Harry. Dumbledore didn't seem fazed by my presence at this meeting unlike some of the others who chanced sideways glances at me.
"Horace has collected Harry, just as I anticipated him to do," Dumbledore announced quite vaguely when he finally started talking about my brother.
I knew there was obviously a specific purpose Dumbledore used Harry to hire this professor, but I had no idea what Dumbledore meant by Slughorn collecting Harry. However, most others around the table seemed to understand.
"Lena was a part of the Slug Club, same as Lily. Unfortunately, I suspected later that Horace might have been interested in Lena being a part of his favourite's club because of her eyes," my father's more blunt analysis was quite unexpected but still didn't clarify things for me.
"Horace likes to make favour with any student he finds interesting, whether it be family fortune, academic excellence or athletic grace. Lena was a talented witch at Hogwarts with an added visual curiosity. As for Harry, Horace's interest is much more obvious and I have instructed Harry with a very important task. As I told Mad-Eye during the summer, I am gathering all the important details on Voldemort, and Horace has a very important piece to that plan," Dumbledore explained and by the end there were many different expressions around the table.
My father and Mrs. Weasley wore similar looks of scepticism and worry, but they must have been privy to the plan since neither of them said anything. I assumed that Dumbledore might have ran this by my father since he was Harry's assumed guardian. There were seemingly many meetings behind closed doors that seemed to centre around me and Harry.
"I have also been meeting with Harry to tell him the details I find out regarding Voldemort," Dumbledore continued and was met by another round of silence.
I assumed this was what Harry had referenced in his letters. I was suddenly curious what those meetings consisted of, but I knew voicing my curiosity would only set off a tense argument on my behalf. If my father already didn't want Harry knowing any of this, he would certainly be against me finding out. Suddenly, I was very impatient for Harry to come home for Christmas so we could compare notes.
The meeting ended when Dumbledore stood up a few moments later and was escorted out by Kingsley Shacklebolt. The latter had been uncharacteristically quiet but obviously the two men had more sensitive topics to discuss as they tipped their heads and exited the kitchen. Fred was the next one standing with his hand in mine, pulling me up with him. George was at our heels but we were halted under the stern gaze of their mother who moved quicker than I had ever seen her to block our exit.
"Sit down you three." Her stare was slightly unnerving, enough to silence any objection on the twins' lips.
I always respected Mrs. Weasley and knew she definitely had a stern side, especially after raising seven children, and the twins in particular. But I couldn't remember a time being specifically on the receiving end of her set stare, causing me to sit down on the nearest bench. Once I was seated with the twins again on either side of me, Mrs. Weasley returned to her seat beside my father.
"Marnie, we know you are upset with us. And I know from Harry's letters that I'm not his favourite person right now either. I am just trying to do what's best by both of you and I have no idea what that is anymore. You and Harry are my entire world, and I can't sit by while you are both so angry," my father explained, continuing his blunt streak from the meeting earlier.
But his mere mention of my anger set off the already short fuse I had going lately.
"Of course I'm angry! I haven't been able to save anyone. I wasn't champion so I couldn't save Cedric! I went to the Department of Mysteries to save Sirius and he died! And every other time Harry has needed help to save anyone, I haven't been there!" I hadn't meant to shout my answer but my anger had already taken over.
A few leftover members in the room awkwardly looked over but none of them with any actual interest in joining our conversation.
"You don't need to save everyone darling. No one can manage that, that's why the Order is a group," my father's eyes turned understanding with a tinge of sadness telling me that deep down he knew exactly what I was talking about.
"Not everyone, just one person! People are dead, my family is in danger. I joined the Order to be able to save at least one person because if not, I don't think I'm brave at all," I retorted with anger flowing through me.
Maybe everyone here knew exactly what I was talking about, everyone was scared with determination outweighing their fear. Maybe my anger was a part of my grieving process and I should be taking their concern more in stride. But I was finished with feeling pathetic and weak, I survived Bellatrix Lestrange and now I felt determined enough to face Voldemort himself if it meant keeping my family safe.
"Please, just let me grow up," I pleaded quietly, standing up to show that I was finished with this conversation.
Fred and George stood up on either side of me, showing their solidarity like always. I didn't want to hurt my father or Mrs. Weasley. I knew they were showing they cared in the way they knew how, but I couldn't accept it if it meant showing weakness. One last look between them and I hoped that maybe the anxious look they shared was an acknowledgement that they could no longer keep us away from the world. I wanted to offer a small smile, to reconcile with my father on some level. But I knew once I calmed down we could hopefully put this behind us. For now, I let myself be dragged out of the room by my two best friends and hoped that when the time came, I would be able to act on my words and actually be able to save someone.