Chapter 39s: Anti-Anticipation Relief
We're sitting around the table. Clara is looking at me, the book she was reading closed in front of her. Chris is giving me that supportive stare that betrays he intends to push me off into some deep unknown where he'll rescue me but wants to try and make me rescue myself, first.
Of course, neither of those two worry me. What does worry me is something else.
I shift in my seat. The silence is deafening; the fact neither telly nor radio is on only exacerbates the feelings. Actually, I'm more comfortable with my arms folded over one another. Play it cool. Why is it so cold in the house, anyway?
"We have something we need to tell you, Setsuka."
Oh dear. Here it comes.
I knew it would be something like this.
There's no other reason to have a family gathering meeting where they purposefully throw Jenny out of the house for an hour with some half-baked excuse of needing her to bring old clothes to cousin Lara who is expecting a baby.
Nope. Soooo not buying that.
Clara's sitting up straighter. Yes. Here it comes. Here it-
"Your father has petitioned the courts to return you to his custody."
Boom. There we go.
I find the news I wasn't sure I wanted to hear does not have nearly as much of a killer impact as I would have thought. Is it because I've been expecting it?
Slowly, I allow a breath to escape me.
"So? Dad told me wanted to reunite the family some time ago."
It is now that I see them frown and exchange glances; as if I gave them a response they didn't quite expect. What'd they expect? Me bawling? Screaming? Being happy?
I bet they didn't expect my poker face of apathy. Practicing in the mirror did pay off!
Take that, you fake ones!
"We have the option of contesting it with a petition of our own..."
Chris is a good guy; I can tell he is shifting away the brunt of the stress my uncaring response has given Clara by taking the lead in the conversation. They are like footie players, doing this endless play where they pass the ball around like a hot potato.
Thank you Jenny for this scoop. I owe you so much!
"... So?"
I need to make really clear that if there's something they want from this conversation, they need to be obvious about it. Jenny kept saying this, even though at the same time, it doesn't matter in the slightest.
My jaw clenches as I reaffirm my resolve. Trust in Nee-san. All the way to the end of this conversation.
"Do you have any questions? Worries?"
See? Clara again. The potato is bouncing around invisibly above this dining table.
I meet Clara's eyes again, my fingers lifting up and taking away some free strands of hair and tucking them behind my ear in a motion of habit. Now there's nothing blocking my gaze. Fear it, Clara-monster.
Just a hint of a smile slips onto my features as I remember laughing at how much that nickname a frustrated Nee-san came up with suits her.
"What I want doesn't matter, right?"
No pass this time. "Of course it does!" Clara calls out.
"So if I say I want to live with dad, I get to live with dad?"
Silence. They exchange gazes again.
I move to stand up. That silence said it all.
"Sit down, young lady. We're not done."
Chris speaks up as the potato naturally lands in his lap once more. He tries to sound authoritative, but it is honestly a bit funny. There's none of that father-figure-alike reliability he usually tries to smother me with.
I sigh. Exaggeratedly. To let them hear the frustration on my end.
"We will contest it."
Chris seems more reliable now, not passing the potato back to Clara like that. How sweet of him.
"Okay."
My simple response seems to make Clara want to flare up, but the way Chris puts his hand on hers is actually a bit touching. Would Nii-san...? If I...?
Focus. Don't be distracted now, you silly dumdum!
"It isn't because we want to keep you away from your father. But we believe it is too early for him to worry about the two of you."
Wait. Two of you?
"Nii-san is going to live with him?"
Clara nods as she finally takes responsibility for the metaphorical blisters appearing on Chris' fingertips.
"Probably. He is no doubt also petitioning for his custody. Because Cain lacks stable living arrangements right now, and because he is older than you, it is far more likely to go through."
My eyes narrow and my artifical slackface falters with the appearance of this emotion, the mere change causing tension to disappear on the side of my opponents. This is a scoop Nee-san didn't tell me about. Damn it!
I guess she's not an omnipotent redhaired Goddess of Future-Scrying after all.
It is up to me. I am not alone. Even if at this table, I sit alone, that is not who I am. Nee-san will be there when she comes back. Nii-san will no doubt call, too.
"So you are conspiring to keep me away from Nii-san again?"
The hurt and betrayal in my voice is akin to a freshly scabbed wound being once more torn open, and I find the room blurring just a little bit
"Love, it isn't that. We worry about your well-being."
Clara reaches over to try and comfort me, but I pull my hands back out of her reach. Fucking traitors!
"So let Nii-san live with us instead..!"
My response is a vehement bite-back, like a wild animal that needs to be put down. I don't care.
"You are being unreasonable now, Setsuka!"
Chris calls out, clearly not happy with my behaviour. Screw him.
"So what if I am? You wouldn't accept him then, and you won't accept him now. But you will do everything you can to stop me living with him!"
"It isn't like that! Do you think we have better odds than his biological father to provide for him? The judge would laugh us out of the room!"
I glare at Clara. "LIAR! You are trying to keep me here!"
They exchange a momentary glance again - it is creepy how they keep knowing how to time that stuff - before Chris speaks up, trying to regain that earlier calm as the responsible parental figure.
"You already live here, love. You've lived here for two whole years! It is completely different."
My hand slams down at the table as the emotions build up into an eruption, startling myself as much as I intended to startle them. Clara's book bounces up and loses touch with the table for just a moment: that is the only other visual giveaway of the forces involved, the foremost one being how red my hand is quickly becoming.
"SO WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!"
My cry is of anguish as much of it is of anger.
"To thank you for fighting for me? To be happy and feel loved like I am some sort of perfect daughter you'd like me to be? To just hurt me a bit more as if you were pulling off my nails to remind me you can torture me all you'd like?"
They are silent again. I can see Clara attempt to blink away some tears, not wanting to show her weakness in front of me.
"See? You just want to feel good about yourselves! Well, aren't you lucky! The law has made me your plaything, to drag from one side of the doll house to the other! Aren't you all mighty, fine, strong, brave and admirable ADULTS!"
Look at me! I am in control here! Just. This. Once!
Then... I rush off towards my room, tears running down my cheeks as I do. This time, not even Chris thinks of stopping me.