Author Note

Writing this story has become a struggle for me. I intend to stick with it, but to say it comes easy would be a bold-faced lie.

I'm not asking for pity, but just for some understanding for when I am a bit late at publishing on occasion. It is directly related to my struggling to write a chapter with the pressure of having to publish something afterwards. If I publish first, I am way more liable to call it a day as opposed to trying to continue my writing struggles.

In practice, this strategy is only partially successful in achieving its stated aims, but it is what I've got to work with.

Beyond that, I've got happy news. Earlier I published a new story called 'The Infernal Moth'.

It is not a very happy story, especially not at the beginning. (I actually had to stop writing for a day at one point because writing one chapter had left me emotionally drained!) Later on, the story will be a bit more lighthearted as the initial dust comes to settle. However, please keep in mind the genre is set to 'Tragedy' for a reason. 3

With that in mind, it is kind of weird that this story is going to serve as my non-committal fun-to-write side story... Anyway. Check it out if you'd like. Or don't. It is different from the typical 'rebirth' story for sure!

Thank you all for your continued patience, and enjoy! ~SilkHandkerchief

Chapter 61c: Wicked Wonderland

I've left the envelope to sit in the window sill for the past week. Her cute handwriting is on the front, being super-legible even at this distance due to the felt tip used to pen it down.

This envelope has become my audience of one. My focus and the center of my attention, as I am supposed to be to her right now.

Marc has told me to act more. If my rage comes up, I need to act. To assume a role.

I told him it won't work, but still he persists with his true and tried counseling techniques that I am quite sure I've already proven to be as ineffective as a wet paper baggie.

'Just persist with it for the holidays, okay?'

That annoying bastard is such a hypocrite! Recommending things he believes won't work as if it is no skin off his back. Of course it isn't, it is mine!

If he believed his advice would work, he wouldn't have made that offer to begin with. Seriously. Why the fuck would I repeat that embarrassing affair that was this call I made to him? Nosey fucking shrink.

I take a deep breath. No. I cannot get lost in this. I was reciting my lines to her.

'Pretend to be showing off your acting to your sister, if you'd like. Whatever calms you down in the moment.'

She'd listen. Definitely. Setsuka is a very attentive listener. Not like those other kids her age. But like them, she would probably clap after every sentence I utter, simply because she's so amazed I could remember a paltry sentence or two. Not that other kids would, but she's just that supportive and trusting.

My gaze wanders over to the envelope once more as words I have memorized but mentally blanked out upon roll over my lips with a mocking display of passion and dramatic overacting.

Those words written there are a temptation, for sure. I've had to struggle to not open it almost as much as I've had to not punch the old man during the past week.

To Nii-san,

Don't open before Christmas!

3 Setsuka

That is what I've been staring at for six days now. And need to stare at for another two.

But that doesn't matter. My hand points out judgementally, as if accusing that very envelope of my struggling, even though unlike the situation of the stupid role I'm enacting, the envelope isn't sleeping around and betraying me with any random piece of muscle.

"You are to blame!"

It feels good to yell it out, even if it isn't true for me.

All that matters is that I can see the hints of what is inside by the virtue of the shining sun that enriches itself on the white landscape of snowed-over wonder. The envelope is just a little bit too thin, and the light glaring in from outside just a bit too strong.

It is almost like the apple in the garden of God.

A divine temptation no matter how one looks at it.

There's bears on the cover of the card inside. It looks like they are wearing cute clothes. Is it plaid? Probably. She likes cute things, and plaid is cute. There's probably a ribbon or two as well. Are they hugging?

They've got to be. What is the christmas theme about it, though? Maybe all the whiteness around the bears are.. snow? It is hard to tell.

I really want to look inside.

But it says to wait.

It says... to wait.

Does she want me to wait?

Really 'wait'? For christmas?

Without realizing, I've ended my thoughtless rehearsal and approached the envelope again, to pick it up just as I did yesterday. It smells like her shampoo just a little bit.

I've got to hold it close, because right now, she won't let me.

Or will she? Does she really want me to wait?

It is cute bears hugging eachother on the front there. They might be reconciling.

Maybe.

No, they've got to be, right? What else could they be doing?

My finger slips underneath the fold of the envelope, and the conflict of my anticipation and the breaching of her trust weighs heavily upon me once more.

And I broke her trust already once.

I shouldn't. Not again.

Yet... the envelope flips open easily as I apply the requisite pressure with my finger.

The card peeks out temptingly from inside the envelope.

What if it is a test?

Maybe she just wants to know how badly I want to make it up to her... and she's testing me.

That might be it.

I'm totally failing her test then, though.

I've had her card for six days, and yet I haven't looked at it yet. Not beyond the envelope, that is.

'Nii-san, you've sold your heart for those cold actor thoughts of yours! You threw me away!'

Her hurt voice. Already, I can hear her blame me even more.

She's not wrong.

And it hurts so much.

NO! I can't let this happen.

As I rip the envelope out of the envelope, I find myself struggling to open the card. My hands are sweaty and shaking as the adrenaline destroys my finer motions.

I'm sorry, Setsuka. I'm sorry!

I am so sorry for waiting six days. I should have opened your card immediately!

Making up for those six days I wasted is impossible, but at this point, I just want to know what it says to see if I can salvage it somehow. Does it say how to make it up to her? Does she forgive me?!

Finally, it opened..!

...

... It... opened.

'They are making me write you a card because it is Christmas.

I should be celebrating christmas with you. But I am NOT.

I am still mad. You stupid stupid stupid baka-nii!

It is all your fault!'

The world sways, or maybe I do. It is hard to tell with all the tears that are bursting out in the uncontrollable torrent of weakness that takes hold of me.

I'm sorry..!