Brushes of Loneliness
So, I guess I've been found out. I actually have no excuses for not updating save that I'm too lazy for my own good. Can I still say I have homework? Because I do. Really. And it's going to take some time to do it all.
Anyway, a lot of thinking on Tsuki's part here. There are some things I want to clarify.
As I said before, Tsuki's still a brat. She's still going to make stupid decisions, apologize to the wrong people, seek approval from the bad people. And Sasuke isn't really helping here, he's got other things on his mind (can you tell the Uchiha massacre is coming closer? Yes it is). Is it obvious I don't really like him? The version of him here is a lot brattier (is that even a word?) and detached. He's actually already closer to his future self in some ways.
By the way, they're supposed to be eight. Yet they clearly speak like they're much older. Sorry.
After reading this chapter, you've got pretty much all the clues to find out something essential to the plot and related to Tsuki. I'm not telling what, let's see who gets it~ I'm offering a oneshot of your choice to the one who guesses right.
Enjoy~
XxxX~Chapter 4: Introspection and stupid decisions ~XxxX
"Grown-ups are odd. Who would not want to be a ninja? It's awesome!"
The other, dark-haired child sighed quietly.
"Not quite what I would have said, but sort of. I don't want to be like her." Naruto shrugged.
"Then don't. Why should you listen to her?" Tsuki sweat-dropped.
"Uh, because she's my mother? She's supposed to look out for me? That's what moth-"
"...Oh."
Tsuki cut herself off abruptly, sensing she was not supposed to go on. She did not know why, not yet; she was not close enough to him, not sensible enough to others' sorrows to know she stopped because speaking of parents caused her new blond friend pain. She was not quite ready yet to start truly caring, wholly and knowingly, for someone who wasn't as skilled as she was. Not yet. But she was learning, though she didn't know it. And she was getting better.
"…You know, you called her Ayano, not mom. Why?"
Tsuki paused. That was…a smart reflexion. She didn't think Naruto was capable of such perceptiveness.
"I…a habit?" She replied carefully. "I never really call her mom in my head…mother, sometimes and when I address her, but never mom." Truthfully, it had never quite bothered her until now. It just felt right.
"Must be nice," Naruto eventually said, laying back down on the grass beside her, "to have someone who cares about you like that." His friend huffed in annoyance.
"Not really. She's always criticizing me, judging what I do, always disapproving…sometimes I wish she was just gone," she said carelessly, missing how her friend stiffened beside her. "My life would be much easier if she weren't there. If it wasn't for my dad…" Tsuki paused again. "…I don't know what I'd do without him."
"What's he like?" Naruto prompted, guarded. "Your dad?"
"He's really supportive," she replied, a grin blooming on her face. "And he helps me a lot, when he's not busy. Did you know women in my clan aren't supposed to become kunoichi? I can be one because he said I could." She exclaimed proudly. Naruto frowned.
"Girls can't become ninjas? Why?" Tsuki shrugged.
"Something about keeping the house orderly and the clan strong. I don't really know, I never really listened to what Ayano said about it." The boy suddenly straightened and stood, mischief in his eyes. This couldn't bode well. She hadn't known him for that long, but by, now she knew enough. And, indeed, he didn't disappoint.
"Let's go paint your house in red!"
Tsuki stared at him unblinkingly, wondering from where this new, sudden idiotic thought came from. "Then she'll see if having a house in order is so important!"
When it finally registered what he was suggesting, alarms bells went off in her head. She shot to her feet as he was already running down the street.
"Naruto! Wait!" but he was already further ahead, and while she didn't know where he'd find the paint, she had no doubt he would find some. After all, when had the last clean-up of the Hokage monument occurred? Not too long ago. He probably had leftovers from the incident. But, no matter; she had to catch him before, and since she was faster than him, it couldn't be too hard. She chased after him until they reached the streets, and Tsuki quickly tried to find somewhere to catch him…there. Nice, empty, wide street. Easiest place for an interception.
Tensing in anticipation, Tsuki started to run faster and braced herself for the jump. As soon as her not-quite-friend crossed the street, the small child shot forwards, tackling him to the ground as she did. But she misjudged the distance, and instead of coming to a stop in the empty alley, they both crashed to the side, and straight into a man's stand.
An angry man's stand.
Planks and broken glasses rained down on both of them, a yelp escaping her as her fragile skin made contact with the sharp shards. A few droplets of blood escaped the wound before they both managed to roll to a stop, covered in dirt and various other objects. But their relief at having stopped was short-lived.
"You brats!"
Tsuki gazed up at once, blue eyes blinking slowly upon facing on the owner of the stand they'd just destroyed. There was a short, formal apology and a promise to repay him on the tip of her tongue, but she never got to say the words she so seldom deemed necessary. For in an instant, the man's eyes had shifted from her to Naruto, and if she'd thought he was angry before, after seeing her small companion, the man looked downright murderous.
"You damn demon! You should have never been allowed to stay here!"
Before either her or Naruto could react, the shopkeeper had taken a hold of a glass bottle, miraculously whole, and threw it with all his might at the blond child. Tsuki could only watch as Naruto, still disorientated, barely got the time to raise his arms to protect his head. The bottle crashed and shattered against his hands, the vicious shards tearing his sleeves and drawing blood. Not a sound escaped the blond's lips save a very quiet gasp of pain.
And there, for the second time in her very short life, Tsuki doesn't understand what comes over her.
But the blood, oh the blood, flowing freely down his arms, the angry, unrepentant shouts of the man, the bystanders' indifference, Naruto's painful moans…Something in her snaps, though this time, she knows exactly why she stands up and glares at the man. She knows what's happening is not right. They don't deserve to be pelted by glass shards!
"Hey!" she screeches at the top of her lungs. "Stop at once! What do you think you're doing!?"
But there is one point she doesn't quite understand in her short, angry speech. In the compound, or even in the Academy…she is virtually untouchable. Because should anyone lay a hand on her, they'd face her clan's retribution, her father's anger, and few among the shinobi ever dared to face it. But this man, this civilian, he didn't know. He didn't care. If he could hit a defenseless child without a second thought, parents aren't going to stop him.
As such, when the man turns around, he is not deterred in the slightest. Too angry to see, or perhaps not caring, he whips a wooden plank out from the pile of debris and strikes. Tsuki sees it happening.
But she cannot react.
For the life of her, she cannot react.
She goes from angry to confused to scared in the span of a second, as she realizes the man's intent. As she realizes he plans on striking her, her, the Hatori heiress. It isn't a sparring match, it isn't a training exercise, the man is not an enemy.
But he dares strike her.
The invisible, protective bubble she's always worn with pride and arrogance shatters into nothingness with the realization her status isn't infallible.
With the realization a title is nothing if it remains unacknowledged. Unseen.
It means nothing.
She means nothing.
But she can't ponder the thought anymore as the wood comes for her face at once. She can only stare in anguish and brace herself for the paint that is to come.
Except…it never does. She can't react, but she can see, and before the terrible instant there is a blond blur in front of her, and the sound of the plank hitting her blonde friend is one which will echo in her head for years to come.
"Get lost, brats!"
Naruto can barely stand, and she's still in shock of what almost happened -of what did happen. She doesn't quite know what to do, she's never been faced with such a situation before. But her instincts and her training kick in at the right time; there is danger here, in the street, near this man, and they cannot face him. With all the strength in her small body, Tsuki helps her friend stand and she does her best to dash away from the street, to somewhere safe. Naruto's bleeding, she's bleeding, and not a single adult on the street look ready to help them.
Was the world really so cruel, when you stared at it from beyond the glass bubble she'd always lived in until now..?
It is something she decides to ponder on later, when her friend is back to his cheerful, stupid self, and she's no longer plagued by the smell of blood coming from her clothes and the image of that plank ready to hit her head on. She shivers as the noise of the streets can't quite block out the one of Naruto getting hurt.
For her, and she's pretty sure he didn't do it because she's the Hatori heiress.
Yet another thing she's going to think upon once they're ok.
Fortunately, it seemed she wouldn't have to wait much longer for that.
"…Tsuki?"
She whirled around, relief flooding her at the friendly sight of Yuki, the kind woman from the Uchiha clan who gave her a set of pencils so long ago. When did she last draw something, by the way? She can't remember. But she'd quite often spent afternoons at her home, drinking tea with her and talking about anything and everything. The woman had made it clear she was always welcome in her home, though lately she hadn't been around that much.
"Yuki! Thank god you're here -can you help us? Naruto's hurt!"
The woman glanced at her, sharply checking her for injuries, worry evident in her trademark Uchiha black eyes. The child gazed back at her with undisguised hope, fear and plea, and Yuki found herself angry at whoever hurt the child. Who had dared? She was going to give them a piece of her mind!...but then, after finding no deep injuries on the little girl, her eyes strayed to the precious cargo leaning on her frail shoulders.
"Isn't that…Uzumaki..?" Yuki tensed at once, alarmed, and took half a step forwards to try and separate the sweet child from…the demon spawn, protectiveness surging within her. There's wariness, disapproval and contempt all rolled into those few words she utters, blind as she is to the obvious care the child takes in handling the blonde boy. Tsuki's temper is short; she's confused, worried (though she wouldn't admit it), she's been almost hit, her life-beliefs have been shaken twice in ten minutes, she still hasn't figured out where she's wrong, she's witnessed adults refusing to protect a child -and now this?
Too much.
"What the HELL is wrong with you people!?"
The child screamed at the top of her lungs, and Yuki immediately retreated a few steps, stunned beyond belief. But Tsuki wasn't quite done yet.
"We're bloody CHILDREN! How can you watch him get hurt and stand by like nothing's wrong!? How can you even ALLOW it to happen!? It's your goddamn JOB to protect us! So why, why…" she heaved, out of breath, and her lips started wobbling as her eyes welled up with tears. "Why are you allowing this..? Why don't you do anything..?"
Yuki wasn't quite sure how to react. She'd known Tsuki for a while now and she deeply cared for her, having no children at home; the child was nothing if not polite -at least to those she considered her equals. So why was she hanging around Naruto, of all people? And how had she ended up wounded in the first place? The woman eventually tamed down her desire to protect the child. Now was not the time to try and understand, and if she was reluctant to help the de- Uzumaki, she couldn't say no to whatever Tsuki might ask of her. Even helping the brat.
"Come, then, sweetie," she said quietly, and Tsuki's head snapped up, wide eyes shining with unabashed hope. "The hospital isn't much further away."
The trip there is quiet, uneventful. At one point Yuki, despite her reluctance but eventually deciding she couldn't let Tsuki carry the brat alone, takes Naruto on her back. The dark-haired child trails slowly after her, her head down but glancing up at her friend in frequent intervals, her unease and worry rising with each, barely-there breath he drew. Her emotions are clouding her minds and she cannot think about anything else but the blond and the blood steadily dripping down his head and the cuts on his arms. It is only when, at last, the small girl sat on the waiting chair, a medic-nin having already taken care of the small wounds in her arms, that she can think properly again. She was grateful for Yuki's presence; the woman called herself her mother in front of the medic with a happy smile, which meant none of it should reach the ears of her father. She'd be safe on this part, hopefully. She wasn't quite ready for the defying-orders-by-befriending-but-growing-to-care-for-Naruto to end just yet. Not until she understands just what the hell is going on with her.
She knows right from wrong -or at least, she thinks she does. But lately, she's found things in her which contradicts each other.
Hitting a defenseless child is wrong.
Insulting a defenseless child is wrong.
The others are beneath her and she shouldn't bother with them.
But then, does that means she's supposed to let the others be hit and insulted without reacting? Is she supposed to -what, ignore it?
But then she'd be in the wrong. She'd be doing the bad thing. If the right thing is to help them, then she's wrong. And if she's wrong on this matter…what else is wrong?
Are her parents wrong?
She's never seen either of them harming defenseless people, but then again, she's never seen them protecting them either. Does that mean they would just walk away? If they'd been there in the street, watching Naruto get hurts…would they have stood by and done nothing? Would they have hit him, just like the shopkeeper? Would they have enjoyed hurting Naruto?
And why did she care so much?
The child frowned. She was clear to go home, but -she'd stayed here. An unconscious part of her was waiting for Naruto. Why? Because he protected you, a little voice whispers in her mind. Because he deserves to have someone waiting for him, worrying for him -making sure he's alright. You know what's happening to him is unfair and wrong. The question is, what will you do with it?
What to do, indeed.
Naruto being hurt like that was unfair and wrong, she couldn't argue that point. But…
But she'd been hurt, too. Just for being with Naruto. That shopkeeper hadn't respected her, had dared to hurt her, as though the blonde's presence rendered her title void and useless. As though when she was with him, she no longer existed. She was no different than him. A nameless brat with no family, no friends, no value, hated and despised and left behind by everyone who mattered. When she was with him, she was alone. She was no one.
Tsuki stiffened at the thought, and her eyes darkened. She was not no one. She was the Hatori heiress. She was the daughter of Hatori Tsubaki. She deserved respect. She deserved to be acknowledged. To be protected. To be addressed and viewed as an important person.
She was not to be despised and hated and unloved and, and…alone.
Alone.
Alone.
The word echoes in her head, sharp and vicious and terrifying.
Alone.
A small light standing alone in a dark, dark world. Left in a corner as the others pass her by, indifferent, uncaring. Civilians, shinobis, servants, maids, her own mother…She remembers. A great part of her, a deeply buried part of her, remembers.
She remembers being two, and crying endlessly inside her crib for warmth and comfort which would never come. She remembers eyes, eyes cold and dark which should have loved her, but never did. She remembers arms, caring arms, which only held her once before vanishing, never to be felt again. Never to hold her again.
She remembers the loneliness and the doubt plaguing her mind as she wondered why no one seemed to notice her, to want to be near her, hold her and soothe her pain. She remembers it all, but she could never understand. She knows she never will. But as she grows slightly older, she catches the whispers of the maids in the halls, when they think she isn't listening, not caring if she is. She catches words she should never have, and they bring a revelation she refuses to acknowledge consciously, a revelation which confuses her and tears apart the one part of her who can understand.
Mistake.
Unwanted.
Unneeded.
She doesn't fully understand what it means, but it hurts. And she is a smart child, she puts two and two together and gets four. She knows those three words are related to the cold which has gotten a hold of her life. She knows it is the reason for the whispers in the halls, the lack of comfort when she cries, the lack of sweet lullabies putting her to sleep. Her father is barely there through it all; he doesn't exude the same cold as the others, but his every move towards her feels like heavy rain, when the sky opens and weeps for a tragedy the earth cannot understand. She will never understand.
But she doesn't have to stand by and let it happen.
She meets another dark-haired child, one day. The tall, tall man beside him is cold too, but the woman is warm. It's a warmth she suddenly craves but doesn't know how to get. She's begged and cried and pleaded, but it has yielded no result. None at all.
And as she watches the child, watches how he screams, vocal, and everything is immediately given to him -she understands what she has to do. And she is a child, she doesn't question it. She doesn't know it will lead to her shattering in a thousand pieces, a few years down the road. Crying and begging did not work? Fine.
She was going to demand it.
Anything so she doesn't stay in the darkness, in the suffocating empty world the others are leaving her in. She's seen the light. She's felt the warmth.
Why shouldn't she have it?
She starts with her father. Starts sticking to him whenever he's there, demanding his attention and diverting him from whatever he feels when he sees her. And it works. He starts coming home more, spending time with her, taking her in his arms. He starts giving her the warmth she craves. He starts loving her. And with him, the maids and servants follow -they start taking care of her, comforting her, reading her bedtime stories and singing lullabies, even though a tiny part of her knows it is not the same. She's not old enough to acknowledge it -she doesn't want to. The word she's looking for is genuine -it's everything the maids' love isn't. Everything her mother, everything Ayano isn't.
When she demands Ayano's love the way she gives it to her brother, all she gets is harshness and violence and the terrible feeling she should have never been born.
She quickly decides indifference is better, and she stops trying. And though years go by and she's surrounded by love, real or fake, she doesn't allow herself to dwell on it, to dwell on what she's felt the first few years of her life. She doesn't allow herself to remember the pain and the loneliness and the cold and the dark. She doesn't allow herself to acknowledge it's probably what Naruto's feeling.
But she does remember how it feels. And she'd do anything to never feel it again.
And if she has to be wrong to be warm…to be cruel not to be alone…so be it.
She can live with that.
It's what she keeps telling herself as she leaves the hospital, leaving beautiful, utterly shattered cerulean eyes behind.
She's too much of a coward to look back.
XxxX
Uchiha Sasuke was…on edge. Because Uchihas did not get anxious or worried. No, Uchihas kept their cool regardless of the situation, they thought about it and they found the right way to correct it. They did not worry, but they could be on edge, they could be tense. And Uchiha Sasuke definitely was.
Left, left, right, down and right again. He didn't even take pleasure in how he so victoriously defeated his opponent, the only one who could usually keep up with him. But the little girl stands back up and they start again.
The boy almost can't remember the last time his big brother has deigned training with him, and from the altercation just yesterday, he knows something is up with Itachi, but he has no idea why. And he has no way of knowing, either. He'd tried tailing his brother, but had lost him not a minute in his chase. He'd tried asking his parents, but had gotten evasive answers. And the clan members only ever insulted his beloved older brother, now. Things had changed.
But they had started changing for a while, now. They'd descended into something he did not understand, and he hated it.
And his partner was of no help whatsoever!
"Will you focus?" he eventually snapped, annoyed. "Keep that up and I'm switching partners."
"…sorry," is the only reply he receives as Tsuki gets back in position, kunai raised but eyes going to something behind him, something in the group of their classmates. Sasuke moves forwards, and though she deflects it, she is still too slow. Their kunai clash in a flurry of movements most of their classmates can't catch, but Tsuki has it all wrong. She misses her parry, is too slow to raise her arm, and Sasuke is relentless, merciless. He comes at her with all he has, frustrated by his lack of progress regarding his older brother, his anger at her lack of focus and the slightest hint of bitter resentment. Towards who, he doesn't know and can't bring himself to care. One sharp, fluent come back she doesn't expect and the Hatori heiress is down, winded, and bruised. Sasuke only scowls down at her.
"Keep that up and you're not training with me after class."
Tsuki snaps out of it at his words and straightens. But not in the correct position. Instead of crouching slightly, right arm spread wide above her and left in a protective manner in front of her chest, ready to strike, the young child stands straight and bites her lips, gazing at the ground in silent torment. Her eyes keep shifting, her fingers twitch, and while these unusual signs would have Sasuke raising an eyebrow in concern any other day, today his patience is thin and his temper flares. He scowls once more and his aura darkens with his mood; Tsuki senses the shift, and it has her speaking at once.
"I stopped hanging with Naruto," she blurts out clumsily. It isn't what she wanted to say, not first. But Sasuke was impatient and he would not stand it if she kept beating around the bush.
As she expected, her friend only shrugs.
"Good riddance. I don't get why you insisted on hanging around that loser." Tsuki crosses her arms, guilt etched deeply onto her delicate features.
"I told you before. Because father forbade it. But that's beside the point," she says, pained.
"Then what. Is. It?" Losing patience already, huh. She swallowed.
"The point is that I feel guilty, and I don't know why I feel guilty." Sasuke scoffed.
"How do you expect me to know what's going on in your head?" he asks, blunt and obviously barely interested. With a sinking feeling, Tsuki starts to realize her friend will be of no help to her. Had she paid the slightest attention to his reactions, she would have noticed he was easily as preoccupied as she was. She would have noticed he was in no shape to give advice and would have left him alone until he was better. But she didn't see it, neither did he, and their bad mood led exactly where it was bound to. Tsuki scowled.
"I don't know, you're my friend! You're supposed to give me your opinion!"
"Well I'm giving it. You're crazy, go get your head checked."
"Sasuke!"
"Look at the facts," he argued, crossing his arms. "You suck today. You're sloppy, slow, unfocused and being difficult. You're not you and it's affecting your judgement, giving you crazy ideas."
"I'm sloppy because I feel guilty, not the other way around! Do you even think sometimes, dumbass!?"
"Obviously more than you do," he almost snarled, offended. "I'm not the one being weaker than Naruto. Maybe all that time with him has influenced you and now you're an idiotic moron, too." Tsuki bristled, closing her fist.
"I'm an idiotic moron? At least my hair doesn't look like a chicken's butt!" Sasuke seethed.
"My hair does not look like a chicken's butt! You're just jealous I'm better than you!"
"You wish!"
"You ate dirt in all our spars!"
"Because I was distracted!"
"Because you suck! You're weaker than a civilian!"
"if I'm so weak, then maybe you should train alone!" Tsuki eventually screamed, cheeks flushed in anger. "Or better yet, bring a mirror, this way you can train with the only person who matters to you -your dumb self!"
"It would always be better than training with a weak, pathetic spoilt little princess!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"You'll always be a stupid, stuck-up Uchiha brat! I wonder how your family can stand you!"
"At least I have a family who cares!"
Tsuki physically recoiled, struck dumb and frozen in shock. Sasuke either did not notice or didn't care, electing instead to gather his belongings and head out towards Iruka, gathering his students and ushering them towards the Academy where their parents waited. He did not glance backwards, not even once. The small girl closed her eyes, suddenly hating herself for the burning she could feel behind her eyelids, and she turned away from him, as though creating a barrier between him and his terrible truths. That was low, Sasuke. Even for you. But he did not turn, did not stop and did not apologize. That was one argument she had not seen coming, had not braced herself for. There had always been a deep, unspoken rule between them: they were sparring partners first, friends second. They did not exactly confide in each other, they stayed out of the other's business. They didn't hurt each other, not verbally. And Sasuke was always very fond on following the rules. The very fact he so easily broke it…it spoke of something being wrong. Terribly wrong. But she didn't know what, and more important, she was in no state to take a guess.
On the way home, though she tried as best as she could to ignore it, his words kept echoing in her ears. At least I have a family who cares. She'd never told him how much it hurt her, that Ayano did not care about her. That her mother couldn't care less whether she lived or died, if she'd done good at the Academy, if she'd gotten injured…She did not care. And she'd never told Sasuke it bothered her, he'd just taken a guess and ended up hitting the bull's eye. Not that she expected any less of him.
Try as she might, she couldn't shake herself out of it. She couldn't shake the hurt Ayano's indifference brought her. Couldn't shake the part of her which still desperately craved Ayano's warmth, approval, love, the way a dying man in the desert craves the water which can save him. But she was torn, torn beyond repair, beyond what could be fixed. She had her father's love, her father's approval, her father's warmth. All of this, only because she'd decided to become a kunoichi. But if she sought to earn Ayano's proud gaze upon her small form, she would have to give it up, the one thing which brought her joy. She could not renounce it, not when it meant turning her back on her father and her own happiness. She could not reconcile the two. She could not have both. She had her father on her side, and it had to be enough, even if it wasn't. Even if he was barely home.
Even if his love was split between her brother and her, while her brother had all of their mother's love and she none. She could not have both. She had come to terms with it a while ago.
It did not mean it did not hurt like hell when Sasuke's poisonous words destroyed her anger and brought with them nothing but shock and pain. It did not mean she would not cry herself to sleep tonight, both from the abrupt betrayal of her friend and her own. She still hadn't clarified why she felt guilty.
But when she met her own, tearful blue eyes in the mirror that night, she was eerily reminded of another pair of deep blue eyes, tearful and shattered and betrayed.
A tiny part of her wondered if Sasuke followed the loop and felt guilty in turn.
A stronger part told her he didn't.
XxxX
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