Chapter 73j: Lighting a Fire
"Hey there, Jenny."
Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Crisis! CRISIS!
I shift my right hand to behind my body, but I already know it is a futile effort given the exhale I was sending skywards when he popped into view. Just hiding that little white cylinder isn't going to do shit, girl. FUCK.
"Ah. I guess I've been busted, huh?"
I try to joke it away, uneasily revealing my hand holding the lit cigarette. There's no point in hiding. No point.
Counter to my expectations, he shrugs it off just like that.
"Well, I'm not your father, am I?"
I try to roll my eyes in a similarly casual manner in response as I take another drag to stretch out a few seconds of calm, but I doubt it is convincing. Fuck. How can he be so casual and uncaring about this? This isn't a Cain I know how to deal with.
The one I know would be pissed.. no, utterly furious about setting a bad example for Setty.
As the pleasant buzz of what has become addiction incarnate hits my brain, the fact that I wouldn't know how to deal with that either becomes apparent. Royally screwed.
It is a crisis, allright.
"I don't suppose you are, no. But I hear there's a vacancy."
I playfully joke around with a chuckle, blowing out my smoke and making particularly sure to keep it away from him as a particularly nasty thought flits through the neurons in my brain.
'Let's not aggravate the little monster capable of beating his dad into a coma for hurting his loved ones because of his addiction. That'd be swell.'
Yes. Let's not. Subtly, I hide the cigarette away from his field of vision again by slightly shifting my posture to look out towards the little park in front of the building. Just in case.
"I heard the vacancy was filled years ago. Is their performance unsatisfactory?"
He counters casually as he stands besides me. From the corner of my eye, I can see him peering towards the park with a focus that I could appreciate if it wasn't for the fact he hasn't bothered with smalltalk like this in the past.
Of course, most of our interactions are around Setty, so almost every extended conversation we've had is like Setsuka serving as the butter to his peanut and my jelly. Easy and harmonious due to shared interests.
And whenever she isn't there, we are all business. Like when he wanted to start picking her up from school in my stead. Setty is the one thing we've got in common, so whatever else is there is mired in the muck of teenage awkwardness - more on his part than mine - to the point that we both try to pretend doesn't really exist.
I sigh. So troublesome.
Too much trouble, in fact. I can't go dodge this damn kid for the rest of time; that's ludicrous.
You know what? Fuck it.
It is obvious that I can't be in the proverbial closet regarding my smoking forever, and neither can that subject be avoided for all of eternity.
This conversation is dead at its core anyways. Let's not try to reanimate the corpse and instead talk about something that really matters. Like that mess we're in right now.
"Look," I say in perhaps a bit too strong of a tone, looking at him for a moment as I brush some wayward wind-teased locks away from my face. "She said something neither of us is comfortable with thinking about, whatever the reasons for that may be. But clearly we can't just pretend it never happened either, not without at least acknowledging it happened first."
Habitually, I take another puff before continuing to make my point. "She's not an idiot, you know. She'll pick up on the awkwardness. Maybe not today, but maybe tomorrow, or the day after. And I don't want her to worry about whatever weird stuff would pop into her mind."
It takes him a couple of seconds before he finally looks back at me, the park in front of us finally having lost its attraction to that pensive gaze of his. I wonder what he is thinking, drawing things out like this; the way to move this situation along and resolve it should be pretty obvious.
"What.. weird stuff?" His eyebrow arches a bit, and for just a moment, I can see some cinematic grace in it. Frankly, if the words weren't said quite so awkwardly, wouldn't that be the sort of delivery that could get him places in his acting? Hmmm.
"You know. Girl stuff. 'Is it legal for my siblings to date?' or 'Won't I get in the way of them?' or even the more obvious 'If they have a kid, wouldn't I be a double aunt?' and more stuff like that."
His expression.. ha. Haha. God. Don't laugh, don't laugh.
But I must admit I've never seen the composed Cain look quite that uncool... save for maybe when we played badminton last year. Oi, that reminds me: I still want a rematch against those siblings!
"You... you've got a point."
His little facade is pretty much in shambles, and he coughs, his hand waving in front of his face to pretend my smoke is causing it. As if. The wind goes in the entire opposite direction, and I'm exhaling up and away from him, too!
"Okay. So we can just talk, and things are just as they used to be. Right?"
My tone clips upwards just a little bit, perhaps betraying my own eagerness of returning to the familiar, but at the same time, I don't want him to say stupid stuff to further complicate things. Talking relationships with boys is like a girl trying to piss in a urinal; a lost cause.
Okay, sure, it can technically be done, but it is like taking babysteps and utterly beats the point because it is so difficult and slow while being bound to cause a mess at a moments worth inattentiveness. Just not worth it.
"Mhmm. Mind you, I do have one question. Just to put the matter to rest. If you don't mind."
I glance curiously at him, and I can see just a bit of rosy naivete shining on those cheeks. THere's the case in point. Boys just can't talk relationships without being immature about it. It's just not happening. At least not at his age.
"Sure. What is it?"
Like I am for Setty, I'll pretend to be the understanding and supportive sibling for Cain for a moment.. if only to avoid making a wise-ass quip that'll hurt his ego and make things worse and then has him be a little bitch about it for a few more months.
"How'd you answer?"
I blink, thinking for a moment. What's he talking about? Just his shit-eating grin is enough to connect the dots, though.
"What she asked you..."
He doesn't have to finish the sentence to have the puff I'm taking tickle my windpipe in the absolutely worst way to instantly break into an animated coughing spell.
Why that question?! Oiii!
Weren't we just in agreement we'd put this matter to rest?! Pretend it never happened?