They watched a tray slide onto the coffee table as though it were a meek spectator. Beside her Eli leaned forward to scoop a tablespoon of jam; a cup of tea followed seconds after. Compulsively her eyes honed toward the motion like spotting a buoy in a swirling sea. The drink pooled together in a darkness to match the cloud stifling her breathing. Her fingers curled on her lap. It made her presence remarkably small. She traced the shape of Eli's familiar hands. They quivered so quietly she barely felt the air around them crack like glass. A thumbprint of fear silently bent her face. The roaring, crashing waves of her heartbeat stirred a chill-
"Ms. Tojo thank you so much for rooming with Eli. We were afraid she'd fall off track overworking if she lived alone. It's so wonderful to find a close friend helping."
She steeled an urge to jolt with a subtle gasp. Across the way a woman at the tail end of middle age reclined on a couch. Her plain brown eyes buried a keen wit. It flipped her stomach like a car tumbling down a hill. The hairs on her nape stood though the voice was kind. She smiled and it was thin.
"The pleasure is mine Mrs. Ayase. Elicchi and I do our best, she's a model roommate."
"Mom I'm not that helpless now. Still it is…very nice."
"What was so important you wanted Grandmother to fly out then?"
Eli's face stiffened and she sucked her jelly with tea painfully slow. Her father, a man tempered by self discipline with rough hands, joined his wife. He crossed his leg and wrapped an arm around her; his eyes pinned to them. The silence was abruptly cut by a hard clap. Nozomi uncomfortably widened her smile. Her short laugh hid Eli's quiet lowering of her empty cup. She shrunk into the chair and stared holes into her lap. From the corner of her eye she saw Nozomi glimpse her way. The knot in her chest eased.
"Why don't we save that for when everyone is here? It'd feel like bad luck to leave someone out."
Mr. Ayase's face pinched and sank. He straightened ever so slightly. Nozomi's head remained unbowed in the thickened air. His wife rubbed his arm in circles. Her touch gradually slackened him, until he reclined again. There came a knock at the door, turning their heads. They watched Mrs. Ayase look up stiffly. She smiled politely and made a gesture of excusing herself. Carefully she disappeared down the hallway.
Nozomi crossed her legs and rested her weight on her hands as she leaned forward. Her feet kicked idly, leaving much said yet unsaid. Her eyes wandered aimlessly, avoiding Mr Ayase. Another lurch swept her stomach feeling his puzzled stare linger over them. A sour taste filled her mouth as her nerves danced. She awkwardly flexed her right hand. It tingled, yearning to reach for Eli. Her fingers curled in restraint. The distant sounds of the door closing led to feet shuffling nearer.
They turned their heads to find a towering old woman enter. Though age pulled its reins on her gait, she walked with an energy twenty years younger. She walked with purpose. Eli stood and smiled, embracing her before she'd raised her arms. Nozomi remained seated though she gripped the arm rests. Her heartbeat quickened, pulsating on her tongue. Helplessly she heard them greet warmly in Russian. It tightened the tension biting into her shoulders. Again her stomach flipped.
Only when the old woman approached her scowling expectantly did she shake her hand. Her grip fell almost limp under her weak smile. She felt her skin crawl when she met a frown of disapproval. It vanished as the woman sat in Eli's place. Mrs. Ayase set to pouring tea silently. Her hands were stiff, locking back any room for a mistake. It spurred Eli to gently touch Nozomi's hand and make a gesture to move. She did. The storm softened when she smelled Eli's sweet shampoo beside her right.
The room watched Mrs. Ayase present a drink to her mother. The old woman took a sip, smiled, then raised the cup to salute. Her daughter returned beside her husband. Nozomi sat quietly grinding her teeth. The eyes of the room fell upon them as she heard Eli's breath coil like a spring. She leaned forward, the eyes followed. Clearing her throat, she saw Eli stare into her lap out the corner of her eye. The old woman beat her to it.
"Well girl are you going to speak?"
Nozomi's face scrunched ever so slightly. She continued.
"Thank you for coming here, everyone. Elicchi and I have thought this over for a long while. It's a very large thing, and so we wanted to -"
Her voice trailed then dragged like a limp body. A ball of nerves hardened in her throat. Mr. Ayase yawned but covered his face politely. His wife had crossed her hands and counted her patience behind confused eyes. When she breathed in, she heard Eli's grandmother keep sipping. Eli's feet seemed to lean closer beside her. The knots in her shoulders eased. She gathered her words into a basket of newfound strength. It cemented when Eli took her trembling hand.
"About our living situation…we're…we're actually…"
"We're together."
She flinched and turned her head mechanically. Silence enveloped the room. Without looking she felt the eyes widen, their posture spring straight. Eli propped herself on her lap; her head was bowed. Wordlessly they heard the teacup thud onto the carpet. Eli shook so violently Nozomi feared to reach out her fingers as if she'd crumble. Her eyes widened finding tears splatter on her clothes as Eli looked up. She stared helplessly as her chest tightened. Pain drilled into her heart, yanked her nerves on a leash.
Mr. Ayase gripped his wife's tense arm like a drowning man clinging to rubble. She, for her part, stared with bug eyes toward her mother. Her lips were pursed until they paled, bloodless. The old woman leaned forward, tilting away from Eli. Her nose flared, her hands trembled clenching at her sides. The sound of rapid mumbling bound itself within crackling rage. Eli's tears quietly spilled a curtain over her. She grit her teeth, shouting in earnest. It stung her even as it leapt off her tongue.
"нет, это потому, что я люблю ее … я люблю нозоми!"
Her head violently snapped sideways followed by the echo of a slap.
"How dare you do this, how dare you. After everything, after how you were raised! I was always there for you. Your mother did what she could and whenever she could go no further, I still looked after my grandchildren!"
She stood suddenly from her seat and recoiled in disgust. Her shaking hands balled into fists. Thin tears wore her face. Her lips pulled into a snarl as her eyes bulged. Mrs. Ayase leapt outstretching her arms and holding her mother in a fragile embrace. Her husband quickly turned his head, watching them with the focus of a hawk. Nervously he chewed his lip, shifting in his seat. He heard his wife slur her words like a desperate child.
Slowly she moved her fingers rubbing circles on the old woman's arm. They were soon slapped away. Eli flinched, Nozomi held her without hesitation. Her teeth bared and her mouth twitched. Her face burned as her blood boiled with raw fury. The glare down her nose left the woman unmoved. Finally Mrs. Ayase raised her voice, pleading between a whirlwind of languages. She was silenced as her mother held up a hand.
"Enough Elizaveta, there is no grave you could dig deeper."
Nozomi's arms tightened around Eli feeling the old woman stare daggers into them. The snot and tears streaming down her face crossed paths; it lent her an ogreish quality. For an instant she saw something wind back in her eyes. It shot forward like a bullet racing out a barrel. With it the cold wrath exploded into a firestorm.
"No matter how I cared for you, you keep doing these…these things! You haven't changed at all. You hardly listened to a word I've said and now you turn out this way! I was too lenient on you. If I had done more you'd have won your ballet recitals and grown with the right mindset. Instead you went to frolic with some, some…homosexual!"
"That's not true at all! At times it felt hard, but you were a second mother to me. This has nothing to do with that, it's only how I feel. It's how I was born, I never made a choice!" Eli countered, screaming. Her voice cracked like shattering glass.
There came a dreadful silence that festered thicker than maggots in a wound.
"…I see. I have no granddaughter."
Eli's breath hitched as she titled her head, dazed. The fragments of hope clinging to her face flickered and died. Her mouth quivered tasting tears, tasting the betrayal within them. She stood, bursting out of Nozomi's grasp. She disappeared in a blur just as quickly. The old woman suddenly turned around. On instinct Nozomi ran after her, not stopping to hear the Ayases close behind. She felt a wad of spit graze her cheek. Her teeth grit. They rushed through the ajar front door, spilling onto the sidewalk. Wordlessly they picked a direction, then nodded to each other.
Nozomi dashed to the west, her burning limbs pumping without looking back. The towering flats that blocked the sun sped past indistinguishable. Her eyes scoured hungrily, maddened by panic. Pain stabbed and twist in her sides. She kept running. Cars droned on, strangers stared in wonder and confusion. It grew hazy, until it flattened into white noise. From the corner of her eye she spotted a turned over shoe. Her feet screeched to a halt.
She inspected it in her hand. There was little doubt it belonged to Eli; she'd helped her choose them that morning. Ahead, an alley carved a narrow tear between buildings. The shadows of stretched laundry lines gave the ground the stripes of a tiger. She peered at the shoe again. Her stomach churned. She tossed a mental coin. The slim chance of a stranger in need cast it's lot into her imagination. Slowly she walked forward.
A tabby cat darted beside her, in the distance dogs barked. Somewhere, a TV blared an afternoon movie. Another window poured out a scent of meaty dinner that mingled with the garbage below. It made her cough. Her ears sharpened as she combed the tall shadows and rusted pipes. A woman hunched over at the bottom of an emergency stair sat with her back turned. Without consulting her clue she ran.
"Eli?" she asked gently, like a finger stabbing the dark.
Sniffling and breathing raggedly, Eli looked up. Her reddened face was streaked by tears. It gave her skin a worn, eerie shininess. Before she could speak Nozomi embraced her. Cradling her head on a shoulder she ran her fingers through her hair. She gasped feeling a tight grip around her waist. Eli sobbed, burying herself. In Nozomi's arms she became all too small.
"Elicchi, it's okay."
It evoked a sudden quiver. They sat in a soothing silence haunted by the possibility of words. It lingered as she rubbed her back. Eli's hold slackened; her body settled against Nozomi's chest. Tentatively she held up the shoe, breaking the quiet.
"Found this on the way over. It led me right to you…is your foot hurt?"
Eli shook her head.
"That's good."
The shadows grew longer and enveloped them. She felt Eli's breathing calm then settle. Her voice was a hoarse rasp.
"She just…abandoned me. After all this time. Do I…matter? Did I ever?"
Nozomi's eyes widened as a pang rattled her chest.
"Yes, you always will. Yes."
Eli let out a clipped tired laugh. She stared into the ground.
"I'm not so sure."
"Look at me, Elicchi."
Eli gasped, horrified. Remnants of bubbling saliva clung to Nozomi's cheek.
"You, your face!"
"Never mind that. You mean so much. Even after this, even after today, we still have tomorrow."
"And I'll still have you?"
She felt Eli's hold tighten and returned it. A warm smile softly overcame her, so fragile as if to disappear. She nodded.
"Always."
Again Eli weakly laughed in satisfaction. Her weight grew leaden.
"I feel…tired. I want to rest."
"Lay there. It'll be better when you wake."