Chapter 79s: The Torture of Man-kind (16 July 2003, the lawn of dad's apartment building)

After dad wheels away and finished his struggle with the threshold that separates the in and the out, my thoughts finally have the leeway to wander again. With the beautiful weather being as it is, he decided todays lessons could once again be held outside while combined with a picknick.

Of course, Nii-san was made to prepare the entire picknick almost singlehandedly, although I helped out when dad was in the bathroom by making sure he'd bring the cute napkins and would not forget to bring along the tablecloth just to spite dad.

Dad can't even sit down on the tablecloth, yet he insists on doing it that way, causing Nii-san so much damn trouble when doing laundry tomorrow given the lack of a good spot to dry out something that size. And even though I don't mind it if ants have an easy time crawling on top of my plate, I already know who he'd blame… so I must make sure Nii-san won't ruin this picknick.

Wasn't this originally supposed to be a study session?!

My eyes come to glance at Nii-san again as he calmly reads his book.

"Care to tell me why?"

I can't help it; I have to try it again. The thought buzzes around in my mind being as persistently distracting as a fly, and the fact Nii-san seems to almost ignore my questions about it is even more annoying.

What happened to sharing?!

Look at him sit there, his posture all straight and handsome-like as his legs are tucked away underneath him. The fact he barely looks up from his study book before looking back down, not saying a word, yet expressing so much with his eyes…

My heart thumps.

Thankfully, it thumps. The disturbance lets me break away from that stupid spell, choosing to unleash those held-back frustrations once more at long last. I am barely in time to catch my pencil before it drops out between my fingers; how ditzy would that have looked to him?

"You're a bully, Nii-san!" I exclaim angrily.

His calm response? "Yeah, I know."

Of course it is! He's so damn frustrating. Goddammit! I give him a glare as I try to not break my pencil in the act of pointing it at him.

"That's what you told me yesterday."

"And what I told you the day before."

AAaaahhhhhh! Really?! Why does he keep dodging the damn point? Does he think it is cool or something? Before I realize, I flick my pencil into his direction. Towards his… eyes.

A mistake. A grave mistake.

My heart catches in my throat. Time slows. Fuck. I didn't mean to aim that accurately.

And yet, a casual shift and his study book blocks the pencil that was heading straight for his face.

As if it didn't even happen.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" The words tumble out of my mouth like an out-of-control mudslide like you see in documentaries on the telly.

Yet, no matter how earnestly I offer my apology, and what does he do? He just looks back at me.

"I know."

Is it my imagination, or does he smile just a little? Or is that just the light reflecting in his eyes?

But God… that arrogance just pisses me off! 'I know.' REALLY? Didn't he hear my apology?! My worry? My frustration?!

I throw my notebook at him too. "Baka!"

Finally, a laugh escapes him. "You learned that word when you were.. what? Four years old? I doubt it counts."

Despite my anger, I can't help but laugh along a little bit as I crawl up from the grass to stand up and brush off whatever of natures junk still sticks to me.

Dad's got me memorizing another twenty words this afternoon; Nii-san's flawless memory when it comes to speaking lines has become the standard I've got to meet. As I give another frustrated glance towards the words written out in hiragana, romanji and the english meaning, I spot something.

Ugh, are those green stains on my leggings? It is, isn't it? It shows so much on the white. Why did I think white would be cute to wear today?!

Still. I can't show it. No weakness. Not in front of him. He keeps brushing me off, and giving him ammunition would be like feeding a fat little pomenarian after it had its third dinner. God no.

So I can only approach the tablecloth and the Nii-san that's sitting on it. Bah! Why didn't I do my studying on it? I wouldn't be so dirty if I had.. Why is HE sitting there like some sort of prissy handsome princess?!

I step by Nii-san and kneel down, quickly finding my cup from earlier and refilling it with the tea from the severely-cooled thermos. Dad or Nii must have left the lid off again. Alas, it will have to do.

But even as I pour the cup, I glance sideways with half an eye to see what Nii-san is doing. Judging from the book… He's learning more about sentence structure or something. The many forms of 'I'? Whatever that means.

What I do know…

.. is that he is ignoring me.

I move to stand up. The thermos is still in my hand as I look at Nii-san.

Studying.

As I raise the thermos up, I finally get his attention.

As the thermos lingers above his head, he meets my eyes.

He sighs.

He.. he dares.. dares to SIGH of ALL THINGS?!

My hand tilts, and my anger must be clearly visible to him as I am about to make good on my threat.

"Do you really need me to spell it out for you?" He asks softly.

His eyes.. they communicate it. Disappointment. Sadness. Unspoken blame. And… pity.

'Baka.'