A/N: Set somewhere in 5 year gap, before Season 2 starts. Artemis & Wally live together now, and Roy hasn't quite become the rock-bottom hermit of Season 2.
Updated to edit for some typos.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own ideas.
Prompt: Artemis bails out Roy & Cheshire
Bail Bondsman
Yup, that was definitely a jail smell.
An unholy combination of vomit, body order, and failure mixed so well that if someone had burned the jail down to the ground, Artemis was convinced that the smell would persist, as if to haunt whatever or whomever occupied that spot in the future. The only smell that could offend her nostrils even half as much were Wally's designated "Kid Flash Superhero Activity Sneakers", as he liked to call them.
Liked to. As in, before she had burned them to ash.
Why do all jails smell the same? she pondered yet again, as she followed a guard down the row of jail cells.
Yup, there were other places she would much rather be at 2 am in the morning. But when your sister who never calls, visits, or appears outside of the occasional rooftop sparring session calls you asking to bail her out, you don't have many choices. Artemis hadn't even been given an explanation for what she was bailed Jade out for, or why Jade was even in Palo Alto at all.
The guard stopped, and pointed into the cell while looking at her with a raised eyebrow, as if to ask her Really, you know these two?
"Jessica Dao & Roy Smith, ready to be bailed out." the guard rambled, clearly oblivious to how fake those two IDs truly were.
She peered inside, and true to her word, there sat her sister, dressed in a simple tank top and yoga pants, no villainous gear in sight. Her hair looked as messy as always, but aside from that, she was perfectly, composed, and a sly grin spread over her face at the sight of her kid sister arriving. Artemis however, was far more interested in the man who sat next to her sister.
Lo & behold, in all his disheveled, scruffy, glory, sat the one and only Roy Harper.
He too, had no sign of hero gear on him, but his shirt was most definitely ripped at the front, as if someone had clawed at them with their nails, and for whatever reason he was wearing bright orange jail jumpsuit pants. When he saw Artemis, his face turned a shade of red that did his name justice.
Oh Artemis was going to enjoy this.
"Wow. Just….wow," she exhaled, cocking her head sideways and putting her arms on her hips.
She wasn't surprised to see them together. After all, she had found out about their little…situationship weeks ago when she and Wally made the mistake of trying to stop by Roy's apartment for a late night surprise visit. Their dinner date had gone particularly well and they felt like sharing the joy with their comrade, who always seemed somewhere between a state of anger or contempt at them for not joining in his all-encompassing quest for the "real" Roy Harper.
Unfortunately for them, they stopped by to visit during the same night that Jade was also in town. Visiting the same ginger archer. The two had been participating in a very explicit personal embrace on the kitchen counter.
Roy tried to uh…separate himself, but his raven haired partner was not very cooperative, and the resulting sounds that he emitted were anything but appropriate.
Artemis was pretty sure she'd never be able to get that image of her head. Wally was personally so disturbed, that he refrained from eating the rest of the night. It may have set a new personal record for him.
"Of all the people you could have called, you called her?" exclaimed Roy, looking at Jade and throwing his arms up in utter disbelief.
"Anyone in your contact list you would have rather called, hmm?" she asked him, eyebrow arched.
His silence was the only answer she needed.
"Didn't think so".
"You didn't tell me you were with him," stated Artemis, still taking in the scene before her. It was like Christmas came early. Her only regret was that she couldn't take a picture to keep as blackmail for all eternity.
Damn it. The one time I forget my phone. She mentally cursed herself for the rookie mistake. But it was no matter, she would definitely get Dick to get their mugshots out of the system later.
"Would it have made a difference?" inquired her sister, the words floating through the air.
It was amazing really, how that woman never seemed to be bothered.
"Maybe."
"Ouch babe," Jade said, turning to her partner in crime – and other things – "You and my sister really need to work on your relationship."
Roy's face only got redder, as he started to wonder if maybe he would have been better off calling Oliver to the scene. Sure, he would have gone ballistic, but at least he would have been too irate to drag this out.
Now it was Artemis's turn to let a smile take over her face. "You know what, you never actually told me why you're in here."
"Not important Artemis. Just get us the hell out of here," barked Roy, finally able to get a hold of his words in what was somehow only the 3rd most embarrassing situation Jade had got him into this week. He had absolutely no intention of having it rank any higher.
Well if that's how he wants to play it thought Artemis.
"Well when you say it so nicely…." Artemis turned to the officer standing next to her "Remind me again officer, what exactly were these two were arrested for?"
She assumed that it would be something akin to Breaking & Entering or disrupting public peace – things that Jade probably did on a weekly basis but never got caught for – but the presence of Roy Harper meant that there was something else at play. And from how flustered he looked, it had to be good.
"Uh, lets see. Roy Smith & Jessica Dao. Arrested for public indecency, committing lewd acts in public-"
"Please, we hadn't even gotten to the lewd part yet," interrupted Jade
"-trespassing private property, and damaging a public stop sign."
"Ok, the stop sign was an accident." Jade, again.
Artemis was caught between actual shock at what she was hearing, and a bigger, growing feeling of disgust at the mental images coming through her mind.
The officer droned on. "Not to mention the young man did not have any pants at the scene of the crime. Hence the jail pants."
"That's enough!" Roy said, trying to sound authoritative but his voice almost coming out like a plea. The red that had been taking over his cheeks had now encroached his neck.
"No please, go on," purred Jaded. The smile that was now on her face rivaled the one that draped across her mask. Did she like her kid sister hearing about the naughty fun she was having with the Red Hunk? Of course not, but Jade was an opportunist, and this was a no-brainer opportunity to fluster both the redhead and her kid sister.
"Uh, well endangering the safety & morality of minors, and fleeing the scene of a crime." Finished the guard, his monotone voice betraying the amount of sleep he was not getting.
Artemis just stood there in shock, joining her fellow archer in silence. Jade meanwhile, leaned forward, the grin on her face rivaling the one on her mask.
"It's been an absolutely wild night sis, and we're only halfway through it. Ya'know, if you'd like, Roy and I can show you and your human vibrator boyfriend how to really spice things up."
"Ew, gross! And believe me, Wally and I do NOT need your help spicing things up!"
"Oh, so you and Kid Mouth have already found your kinks huh? Tell me, what makes him tick? Do you dress up like a giant cookie for him to eat?"
Artemis was practically turning red in the face, something that very few people could accomplish in such little time. "Why you little-"
The guard, apparently having now decided that he was no longer interested in watching this banter, cut her off.
"Ma'am, I hate to break up this little reunion here but, are you going to sign the papers or not?"
...
"I seriously considered leaving you both behind," muttered Artemis, as the trio walked out of the Palo Alto police station.
"Well sis, we appreciate your undying gratitude, isn't that right Roy?" responded Jade, the sarcasm only slightly dripping from her voice as the trio moved towards the parking lot.
Roy did not respond, instead clenching jaw.
"What I don't understand is how did you guys run and still get caught?"
"Hah, we're only here because Red Doofus here doesn't have the decency to pull his pants up in time" Jade answered, gesturing to the still blushing Roy. It was hilarious to see him embarrassed, and she knew he was fuming on the inside – and from the look of his skin – the outside too.
It would be fun when he decided to "get payback" for this.
"First of all gross, I do not ever need that mental image. And second of all, how do you even get caught? I thought you were supposed to be an expert in stealth!"
Jade laughed – an actual laugh – and looking at her sister with an expression of pure mirth, she made sure to set the record straight.
"I saw the patrol a good five minutes before they found us."
"You saw them and didn't say anything?!" exclaimed Roy incredulously.
"I thought you were aware of it and just playing along. Makes the whole thing hotter you know…" – Jade raised her eyebrow seductively – "Just like in Monaco."
"You two have done this before?" asked Artemis, the disgust in her voice not even remotely hidden.
"Get caught? No." Jade sounded almost insulted.
"Jade?! Five minutes?!" exclaimed Roy, still in a state of disbelief at what Jade had implied. She had given her little sister, and by extension, Wally – fuck Wally is gonna know about this – some of the worst blackmail material possible.
Well, not worse than the two other more embarrassing events of the week, but that was neither here nor there.
"Honey, you really should have been paying more attention."
"I was distracted!"
"Oh babe, don't I know you were," she responded, winking at Artemis for dramatic effect. Artemis for her part, threw her hands up in exasperation as they reached her car. Why she even let them out was beyond her.
"I think I'm gonna barf," she said, feigning vomiting.
As she fumbled through her pockets for her keys, a different more troubling thought came to her mind as she realized not only was it super late, but Roy lived in Star City & Jade lived…God knows where. Given that the two had not immediately disappeared the second they exited the police station, chances were that they would likely need a place to crash for the night.
She sighed. Once again, would have been nice to have her cell phone on her to be able call and give Wally a heads up.
"Alright, if you guys need you can crash at my place, but I swear to god if I hear any noise-"
When she turned back they were already gone. Because of course they were. All that was left was a wrinkled sticky noted taped to the side of her jeans – How in the hell did Jade get that there without me noticing – and the slight breeze of the night.
Artemis ripped the note off and read it.
Thanks sis, but Red and I have unfinished business. ;)
Artemis read it a second time, before realizing that her sister was talking about continuing her "wild night." She shuddered at the images that flickered in her brain before she shut down that train of thought.
"Oh come on guys, that's just gross."
A/N: Please, please leave a Review! Also leave suggestions for one-shots, and I may or may not entertain them.