You loved the smell of the ice this time of year, when the lake became frozen, and all follow with it. Everything seemed...dead. It's not that you liked the feeling of death. It had smelled familiar to you after countless encounters where your life was always almost taken by Jean Grey. You loved the girl like a sister. But you knew the power within her was massive, controlling and forcing her to become someone she's not. You loved her dearly. And when she just disappeared with a big explosion in the vast sky, you were left wondering what you could've done to prevent all that from happening.
Charles Xavier was well-informed of the rough nightmares you had each night, the screaming, the pain, the uncontrolled voices that kept bothering your once peaceful mind. And he wanted to help you. He checks on you whenever you need him. And even when you don't. Partly because he knew he was at fault to keep the truth from Jean, but also because the professor had grown close to you. He never intended for feelings to grow, but I guess you never really choose who to love because your heart chooses for you. And there was nothing that he could do.
The night was cold and silent. Christmas was fast approaching but the house seemed abandoned, no noise to be heard anywhere. Of course, this late at night, the students had to be asleep. No one else was awake. So you had to scratch off the 'it's just a student' suspicion after hearing twigs snapping and the grass crunching. You weren't scared, and you knew why. It was dark, but not too dark for you to distinguish the features of a certain someone.
"Cassandra."
You'd know that voice anywhere.
"Charlie."
You've grown fond of that nickname. And he probably has, too.
He came closer to you, seeing you sat on the ground clutching your skating shoes in your hands.
"Where have you been?" He asked, worry and a little bit of anger laced his voice.
You didn't exactly know why he was talking to you this way. You knew he had absolutely no reason to worry because you could handle yourself. But this time, he wasn't worried about the possibility of people hurting you, it was something different.
"Why do you ask?" You questioned with a blank face, your eyes staring right through his piercing blue ones.
He scoffed. "Why do I ask?" His fingers brushed on his temple. "It's two in the morning and I come knocking on your door to check on you and you're not there. Why do you suppose I ask?" His voice was slightly trembling. Might be because of the cold. But you've never seen him talk like this before, not to you atleast.
"You know you can just read my mind, right?" You rose your eyebrows at him, giving him a half-grin. You stood on your feet and swallowed.
"I told you, I don't want to." For the billionth time, he told you he doesn't want to. You never really asked why. You were afraid what he would say so you always dropped the subject.
This time, a burning desire for the answer to the question formed at the pit of your stomach. You bit your lip to stop yourself from spatting words you don't mean. Unfortunately, it wasn't your lucky day.
"Why, Charles?" You rose your voice.
He'd never heard you call him Charles before. His heart ached a little bit at the thought of you not being comfortable with him to not call him Charlie anymore.
He looked down at the ground, avoiding your gaze, but you only came closer to him.
"Tell me why." Your voice was barely heard. You were shaking, imagining all the possible answers to your question.
He looked at you, no emotion in his eyes.
"Tell. Me." Your voice rose a little higher.
"Because I'm afraid of what I might find." He answered. No emotion to his voice and his eyes. He was a blank slate and you were desperately searching for something within him. Only, you can't find anything.
"Are you saying you're afraid of me?" Your eyes were slowly watering and your hands were shaking. You dropped your skating shoes on the ground, not flinching to the sound of blade hitting stone.
"Are you afraid I'm not the Cassandra you've known for the past ten years?" At this point, you were crying. Tears were making their way down your cheeks and you tried so hard to keep them in.
"Answer me, Charles!"
"I'm in love with you."
Your whole world stopped. You were sure your heart skipped a beat.
You were sure that at that moment, nothing would ever be the same. Because you never knew. You never saw it coming. And when it did come, you didn't know what to do. It all seemed like a big cliché.
"What?" You couldn't even talk anymore. You were so confused and surprised.
"I'm in love with you, Cassandra." He repeated.
"Why didn't you tell me this sooner? Ten years. Ten fucking years, Charles! And what does that have to do with you not reading my mind?" You were yelling now. You couldn't control the emotions surfacing in you.
"I have loved you since the night I first laid eyes on you. I knew you would only treat me as a friend, an equal...a brother. So I kept it to myself. I was always so afraid to enter your mind because I was afraid you would feel me. I didn't want you to find out without me telling you myself. Your powers are a gift, Cassandra. I only didn't want for you to see it as a curse." He breathed in.
"Last year, when I almost lost you, I wanted to tell you. You were lying down on my arms, powerless, no movement, no pulse. I thought you were dead, Cass. And I didn't want it to bother you. I won't be able to live with myself if you stop talking to me after I tell you. I didn't want you to get hurt."
"No, you didn't want YOURSELF to get hurt. You know, Charles, Raven was right about you. You are the most selfish, arrogant, aggravating, egotistic, control freak I have ever met," You couldn't stop the tears, the sobbing. You didn't know why you couldn't just be happy that he's in love with you.
"I never want to be associated with you ever again!" You yelled.
"Cass, please. Let's figure this out. I didn't mean for it to be this way. Please." He was crying. It had been a long time since you saw him cry.
It was the worst thing you have ever seen. He was very hurt. And it was all because of you.
"Why are you so angry about it, anyway? Why do you care about how long it took me to tell you?!" He was angry now. His jaw was clenched as well as his fists.
Your eyes widened, more tears coming out to completely destroy your make-up. You couldn't find the words to express what you had felt, but then...you could.
"I lived ten years of my life trying to figure out why you didn't want to look inside my head. I tried everything! I tried to ask Hank for something that would erase my memories, my past, so that you wouldn't see it. I tried to convince Kitty to take me back to the time I first discovered I had these powers so that I could change what had happened and you won't have to see it. I tried everything, Charles. I thought when you saw inside me, you wouldn't want to talk to me ever again," Loud sobbing filled the silent garden. You didn't even care who could hear you.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore." And you ran. You didn't know where you were going, you just ran. He yelled your name. But you weren't going back.
Not anymore.
Your powers came in handy sometimes. Especially right now as you're sat in front of Erik. Apparently, he heard the argument.
"Don't use your powers on me," He warned. "You're exhausted." He added.
Erik was living far from the school. He had continued fending for his fellow mutants in a safe haven given by the government. In other words, Erik was far from all the drama.
Yet on the night of the argument (or should I say, the morning), he had to take something he left in the school a long time ago (not quite sure what) and passed by you and Charles.
You had a lot of questions. But Erik was right, you were exhausted. So why was Erik trying to get in the school at two in the morning was not your problem anymore.
"I'm fine, Erik," Silence overcame the room.
"I just...don't know why he wouldn't let me use them on him. And why he wouldn't use his on me."
"You know Charles. You know he loves to keep to himself," Erik answered.
His eyes looked into yours, mirroring the same emotions you had felt that night. If anyone ever knows what you were feeling, it would be Erik.
Admittedly, you had a little crush on this idiot a few years back. But then again, he was kind of dangerous. So you were afraid to get too close. When Charles asked you about Erik one morning, you honestly didn't know what to say. You weren't tongue-tied or anything, you just didn't have feelings that strong for Erik. So you shoved it away.
"Come here." He pulled you in for a hug. It was the best feeling you had the privilege to feel. It was nice having a friend around. Especially one who doesn't turn to ashes upon your touch.
Unfortunately, Erik and Charles were the only ones who could stop themselves from turning to ash whenever you touch them. And they've found a way to prevent that from happening to the X-Men on missions.
But right at this moment, you were bare. You had nothing to hide with Erik. He wasn't afraid of you, he didn't pressure you into telling him about your past, he's kind.
"You know he loves you so much, right?" He pulled away from the hug and looked you in the eyes once more.
"You're the second- no, third- best thing that's happened to him."
"Third?" You chuckled.
"Well, first Raven, then me, and you." He smirked.
"You, huh? Hmmmm...I could've sworn I remember I met him before you did."
"You just can't admit it, but I'm his best friend."
"Oh yeah?"
And the night ended with a probably-too-childish-for-our-age tickle fight. Oh, and some cuddling. (Erik gives the best cuddles)
Being back in the school was unimaginable. You couldn't recognize the new faces that roamed the halls. The once young mutants you favored and loved were now grown up. Of course, it only has been two years, but puberty happens. Besides, you felt like a mom to them.
Your boots clicked as you walked to where your room was once located.The floors were well-polished. It almost perfectly reflected you. Nothing really changed. Your door was the same as you left it. But you felt a presence on the other side of it. Your powers were acting up. You felt pain, anger, remorse. You felt immense pain. Your heart was beating so fast, your palms were sweaty.
And then... nothing. The emotions stopped. And soon enough, the door opened.
"Charles?"
His eyes were the same blue you had looked at your whole life. But this time, you felt nothing. What once were the eyes that drowned you in joy were now lifeless, blank...empty.
He just looked at you, his eyes widening a little. And he gave you a small grin.
"Cassandra."
Your eyebrows furrowed at him.
"Why were you in my room?"
Silence. He seemed confused.
"I- I don't know."
Silence.
No one dared to break it. The only thing you heard was the students rambling and stomping their way into their classrooms.
"Don't you have a class to teach?"
You were confused. You never expected that question to come from him.
"What?"
If he thought you were just going to go back like nothing happened, well then he's wrong.
"Your Physics class."
You never liked Physics. And you most certainly never taught the subject when you were here. So it confused you even more.
"I don't teach anymore, Charles. You know I can't go back to the way things were."
"What are you talking about? If you're pulling some kind of silly joke on me, Cass, that's not gonna work." And he subtly placed his fingers on his temples.
He was using his powers
on you.
"Why are you sad? What happened? You didn't run away, Cass, you're-"
Silence. There it was again. It was more painful this time. You didn't know why he was acting so strange.
"Charles, what's wrong?"
"You've never called me Charles before."
His eyes darkened. He looked at you filled with curiosity. Like he was trying to figure you out.
"Charles..."
"It was always Charlie."
He came closer to you, still not breaking eye contact.
"Charles...stop."
"What-"
And you felt strong emotion again. This time, it wasn't pain, or anger, or regret... it was different. It was stronger.
"Charles...what happened to you?"
"You never call me that!" His voice rose. He wasn't out of control. He knew exactly what he was doing, yet he didn't care.
You flinched. He saw. But he never withdrew.
His eyebrows were furrowed. Everyone in the school was hearing voices. His voice.
Why did you call me Charles?What happened that night?What are you hiding?His voices overlapped like echoes in everyone's mind. And sure enough, the students knew it was him But they didn't mind like it always happened.
"Charles, please. Don't do this. The students might-"
"Okay."
The emotion was still there, only it was stronger. Nothing like you have ever encountered before.
"Cassandra?" A voice called from the end of the hallway.
"Hank." You breathed in deeply and smiled at him. You legs were running to him and you wrapped your arms around him in a hug.
"We missed you! Where'd you go? Are you okay?" Hank was being himself. Kind, protective. But you needed a question answered right at that moment before you lost your mind.
"I'm fine, honestly," Charles was looking at the both of you now with a small grin plastered on his perfect face. And he went away.
"Now tell me, what's wrong with...Ch-Charles." The nickname almost slipped out.
"He didn't tell you? Erik didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
"Come with me," he turned to Charles,
As you were walking, Hank decided to tell you.
"After you...left, he was miserable. He didn't eat nor sleep. He couldn't. He was devastated about what happened between you two. He didn't even tell anyone why. He shut himself out...and one night he just came to me and asked if I could erase his memories, if a serum or a pill could make him forget what he wants to forget and replace those memories with new altered ones."
You didn't like where this was heading. It felt like the world was spinning slowly now.
"He...altered the serum to forget what happened and he replaced it with memories where you were still here and both of you were okay," Hank felt strong regret, you could feel it.
"I tried to talk him out of it, Cass but-"
"But he did it anyway...Just before I came back."
"I'm sorry, Cass."
"Is there any way to bring his memories back?"
"You."
"What?"
"You could. If he sees inside your head, he'll remember. He'll see everything."
You were silent. You weren't ready to show him who you are yet. But you also wanted him to remember your argument. You wanted to see him hurt. As far as you were concerned, the bastard wanted to forget what happened between you two. You were pissed.
He did have a reason to want to forget, though, you thought. You hurt him. He hurt you. You were both affected. But he didn't have anyone. He lost Raven, Erik wasn't there, and now...he lost you. You had Erik. He made it easier for you to move on. He was a great friend. But Charles had no one.
You didn't know what came into you as you found yourself marching towards his office with your heart on your hands, ready for the pain that is to come.
The students were all startled when you barged in their class, but this wasn't a matter to be discussed later. It had to be discussed immediately. And so you ordered everyone to go to their rooms and study because there was an "emergency".
"What are you doing, Cassandra? What happened?"
It was a split second. Your palm hurt afterward. And he brought a hand to his cheek. You had slapped him.
"What was that for?" He raised his voice.
"Get inside my head, Charles."
"Cassandra, I can't do that."
"Go on, Charles! Do it!"
"You know I can't!"
"Why can't you?!"
This all seemed too familiar. Ah, yes. It had happened again. The same discussion, the same argument. Only this time, you were ready to lose.
"Because I don't want to!"
"Why, Charles?!"
"Because I love you!" He had yelled it, maybe the whole school had heard. But he didn't care.
You tried to see through his eyes. But it told you nothing.
"I know," You whispered.
"Now, look into my head, Charles."
And so he did.
"Mom! Let's go!"
"I'll be right there, sweetheart."
It all seemed too familiar. The dirty white couch with your mother's knitting tools on the round coffee table marked by coffee mugs used by people who probably didn't know what a coaster was.The smell of buttered toast had filled the living room where you were playing.
Mom and dad were arguing. They always were. You didn't know what they were arguing about but at seven years old, you didn't care.
Until you felt heavy. Your head was spinning. You felt different. Your joy was replaced with regret, confusion, and lots of other emotions you couldn't pinpoint. Until you heard dad.
"You need to tell her that we don't want her anymore, Anne! It was a one time thing! You have to return her to your sister!"
"What?" You questioned, your head burning up with panic.
"What did you mean, dad?"
Silence.
"What. Did. You. Mean?!" You shouted.
"Sweetie, please, calm down-"
She tried to reach out to you, to touch you, to hug you and tell you everything's gonna be okay, to tell you she loves you so much.
But over a second, she was gone. She had turned to ashes.
And then your dad tries to grab you hand to lead you to a dark closet. But he also turned to ashes.
A voice came from the door.
"Anybody home? I'm looking for my son, Charles Xavier. He ran away 14 hours ago. Have you seen him or heard of him?"
The man continued to knock on the door.
The world is cruel. It destroys anything it sees as a threat. Mutants were incredible, yet so many people wanted to destroy them. You never really knew anything about mutants, let alone become one.
But you were scared they might find out what you did to your parents. So you did what you were best at. You ran.
You ran across the living room into the hallway, opening the door and running past the man looking for a lost boy.
"Hey, young lady where are you going-"
"Don't touch me!"
But it was too late.
He, too, had turned to ashes.
Black.
Charles Xavier.
He looked cute.
"Hey, Cass!"
"Hi, Charlie."
He was kind.
"Don't be afraid. I'm right here."
Gentle.
"Cass, it's okay now. Shhhh. It's gonna be okay."
Hopeful.
"I know you, I know you wouldn't do such a thing."
He had been through a lot.
"Mom? Where's dad?"
"Erik, no!"
"Raven!"
But he's the same Charles.
The same Charlie I met ten years ago.
But change is constant.
"Tell. Me."
"Because I'm afraid of what I might find."
"Are you afraid of me?"
"I'm in love with you."
"Why didn't you tell me this sooner? Ten years. Ten fucking years, Charles!"
"I didn't want you to get hurt."
"No, you didn't want YOURSELF to get hurt. You know, Charles, Raven was right about you. You are the most selfish, arrogant, aggravating, egotistic, control freak I have ever met. I never want to be associated with you ever again!"
"Why are you so angry about it, anyway? Why do you care about how long it took me to tell you?!"
"I lived ten years of my life trying to figure out why you didn't want to look inside my head. I tried everything! I tried everything, Charles. I thought when you saw inside me, you wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore."
"Cassandra!"
Black.
"He...altered the serum to forget what happened and he replaced it with memories where you were still here and both of you were okay. I tried to talk him out of it, Cass but-"
"But he did it anyway...Just before I came back."
"I'm sorry, Cass."
"Is there any way to bring his memories back?"
"You."
Silence.
You're starting to like silence now. It was always there for you for when you need it. And even when you don't want it.
"You?" Charles spoke. His eyes were watering, hands trembling, jaw clenched.
"I'm sorry."
You were certain this was it. This was the last moment you could ever see or talk to Charles again. So you made sure you felt every emotion you needed to feel before time runs out.
You could feel his anger, his pain, his regret...his fear.
It hurt you so much.
"But I loved you."
You shouldn't have let the past tense bother you. But it did. It really fucking did.
You were a mess inside. And Charles saw that.
"I know," You had nothing more to say, or so you thought.
"And I love you."
And there it was. You had ruined everything and you were okay with the consequences.
It was okay.
The pain, the anger, the fear... was okay.
You were gonna be okay.
Disappointment radiated off him. Of course it was because of you.
But it was okay.
Because even if you don't admit it,
Charles Xaver was never just a friend, an equal, nor a brother.
He was everything to you.
And now you have nothing.
But it was okay.
----
okay thats a wrap lmao. hello. this is my first one shot fanfiction. i just binge-watched the x-men movies all quarantine. i changed some things such as Charles getting lost and is dad coming out to find him etc etc. please leave some reviews! i would highly appreciate it.
stay safe u guys.
xoxo~ pwyper