A/N: Welcome to my first foray into the MacGyver fandom. If someone told me few months ago that I'd fall for this show hook, line and sinker after watching few episodes, I would've laughed. As it happens, I spoke too soon, because it was an immediate attraction and I kept tuning in every night for a new episode and after a while I was truly ruined.
It goes without saying that I love Mac and Jack and I'm truly not happy where things are going with this season. I'm currently watching season 3, but I couldn't help myself and had to peek.
This story was born after I watched 4x08 while I was waiting for the H50 series finale, and I had some time on my hands. Immediately after the episode ended, this little idea started spinning in my head and I wrote the first line that initiated the start of this little beast. A little while later, I started chatting with SabbyStarlight and this idea grew into a fully fleshed story, and it goes without saying that she was of great help throughout writing this. She was the head cheerleader and reigned some of my thoughts, as well as making some suggestions that proved to be valuable.
I should stop gushing about it, I think and let you read this story so you can tell me what you think of it. I just needed Jack to come home and for them to talk it out, and I admit it got out of control for a bit, but I got out everything out of my system that needed to be flushed, and here it is, for my own satisfaction, and hopefully yours, too.
Moodboard, read-through and beta by SabbyStarlight.
Credit to one little scene goes to the story EOD + ETOH by TANGOCHARLIE.
Title inspired by "Come home" by One Republic.
Enjoy and bring them tissues because I cried myself so many times during the writing process.
"They say life is what happens while you are making other plans. And that describes most of my days pretty well. But every once in a while, you have to give life a little nudge to make sure you get to do the things that really matter before it's too late. I don't know if one letter will change anything, but I guess that's life, isn't it?"
Mac moved on autopilot. As he left Phoenix, he got in behind the wheel of the Tacoma he was still getting used to, and started the engine. There was no time for grief. No time to show weakness. To cry. What was the point? His life was a mess on the constant so what was one more addition to the pile, right?
His whole life was a maze of situations that didn't make sense, yet they hurt him immensely. There was no way around them, like trying to dodge a bullet that came right at you and you had only a second to move to avoid the worst. You couldn't escape from the bullet. And you couldn't escape the inevitable.
The inevitable was: everyone left eventually. There was something about Mac, something that affected everyone in his life and they left eventually. Some didn't have a choice, others did. But the result was the same. They left Mac.
First his mom died. Cancer ate her away and left Mac without a mom. It didn't take a long time for her to succumb to the illness, faster than anyone could predict. One moment she was there, the next she wasn't. The bright eyed woman with curly brown hair and eyes much like Mac's was simply gone.
Then his father left. Mac admitted that the relationship with his father was strained after his mother's death. Mac might have been young of age, but he understood things better than the average understanding of kids his age. Mac was grieving still when he blamed his father for his mom's death. It was said in the throes of a tantrum. Mac wanted to retract those words. He wanted to say he didn't mean it. Yet, every time he tried, the words would get stuck in his throat and said nothing.
Out of the blue, and on Mac's 10th birthday no less, his father left.
Making a dramatic exit like that, he must have been planning it for a long time to just time it right. Mac was bitter and felt that poisonous feeling inside bubbling, waiting to spill on the surface, the acid waiting to burn right to the bone. He wanted to know what caused his father to gather his things and leave. Was it Mac? Was it something Mac said or did? Or was it as simple as his father realizing he didn't want to deal with his son?
Mac wondered if there was a moment in life where parents stopped loving their children forever or just for a moment wished they were never born.
It was with those questions he was faced again years later when Jack broached the subject of Mac's father. Admittedly, Jack was right, not everyone got a second chance in life to do things right. And Jack's words had the desired effect. Mac started to think about it and finally wrote that letter to his father that ended up being a dead end.
In the end, James' lame excuse was that Mac reminded him of Mac's mother, of his Ellen, and he couldn't take it. Mac had so many questions, so many doubts, but he didn't have the courage to ask them. Instead he chose to bury them deep inside and not think of James, of his mother, of his grandfather, no one that meant anything to him at one point in his life or another. Mac knew it'd only hurt him more if he opened another can of worms. So he went along with it. Came back to work for the Phoenix, for his father, acting like he was okay when in fact he was falling apart. Not letting even Jack to see that Mac needed him more than ever. Pushed his friends and found family away when all he wanted was to let go.
Then there was Nikki. A woman he once loved and thought he could trust. She betrayed their love and left Mac for dead in Italy. Mac wasn't over that night no matter how many times he wanted for it to stop appearing in his memories.
There was Thornton, who not just betrayed her country and Phoenix, but she betrayed Mac, too. Mac trusted her. And she repaid him by having him almost killed and working for the Organisation that hired Murdoc to kill Mac.
Matty knew his father. She investigated him. She knew he was Oversight. But Mac made his peace with her a long time ago and learned that it was for the best if he let that old ghost lay in the ground. No point to blame her for his father's choices and he knew Matty said nothing because she actually cared for him and wanted to protect him.
Mac could continue to recite all the other situations where he experienced loss or someone left him.
And then, there was Jack Dalton.
Mac could feel the tears well up. Just the thoughts of his partner, his Overwatch, the closest he got to having a steady person to rely on, made him want to scream. The person that stayed in Mac's life the longest after Bozer, probably his best friend. Mac could only hope Bozer wasn't going to be mad about Jack getting the title of best friend.
Something lodged inside Mac's chest and refused to let go. It squished his chest, kicked against his thorax, played around with his heart and spread to the lungs, preventing Mac from being able to breathe normally. It started shortly after Jack left, and no matter how many times Mac heard his partner's voice on the phone, it didn't make it feel easier. Mac knew that it was the logical fear that came with not knowing anything of Jack's whereabouts. Being unable to find a solution to a problem he didn't even know what it was. The fear that his partner, the person that knew Mac better than Mac himself, was out there, fighting a monster, and Mac was stranded in LA, itching to help.
Mac only wanted Jack to come home. To own up to his promise that he would come back.
It was hard not to think of Jack leaving him, too. It wouldn't have done Mac anything good to dwell on that, because those were just the facts. Cold, hard facts.
Jack left, too.
A mission that was too hush-hush, too little intel Jack could share with Mac, and so sudden that it didn't leave Mac with enough time to process it for what it was.
Jack left him, too.
Jack left, like everyone else did. Eventually. And Mac knew that it was coming. He just hoped he would have had time to prepare for the blow. Because the hope of someone sticking around, after they reassured you countless times that they'd stay, and then leaving you, was excruciating. You hoped they had changed their mind and would walk through the front door of your house, or come to work any minute now.
But there was a difference when it came to Jack. He promised. He promised to come back. And every day not being there, physically, in LA or wherever in the world Mac was, it was one day closer to having Jack come home for good. Mac wasn't above believing one of Bozer's conspiracy theories right about now, because it sounded like a conspiracy that it was over two years since Jack left and still, Kovacs was on the loose. If Jack was the operative he was, and Mac had no doubts about that, then Mac couldn't find a logical explanation about what took Jack so long to wrap it all up.
There was a promise. And Jack Dalton was a man of his word. But he left. If he didn't, there would be no need for a new promise.
Mac knew the second Jack offered him a handshake instead of a hug or a fist bump, Jack had something to say to Mac. It was their secret code, and after Jack left the War Room, Mac waited a bit until everyone scattered around before he moved to the garage.
There, Jack was waiting, leaned against the hood of the GTO, always parked next to Mac's Wrangler, decked in camo and full gear, backpack resting next to his boots.
That moment felt too real. The final nail to the coffin. Jack was leaving. It wasn't a dream. Mac pinched his arm earlier, but still there was Jack, dressed for a super secret op.
Jack kept his distance. Even in the low neon light of the garage, Mac could see the stiff posture, holding himself in the rigid posture of a soldier ready for a mission. To anyone else it would seem that Jack was leaning relaxed on the hood, but to the trained eye, and Mac who knew Jack all too well, it was anything but.
Jack repeated what he said in the War Room, the same sparse detail they were given. And then he made his promise that as soon as the op was over, he would be on the first plane that would bring him home.
Mac tried not to show how he felt when Jack said "home". Not Texas, not LA, but home. Mac had no idea what his face was doing, because Jack looked constipated for a moment, debating between saying whatever it was he wanted to say and say nothing. In the end, Jack reached in his pocket and grabbed the keys to his car. He left it with Mac for safekeeping, he said.
Holding the keys to Jack's beloved GTO in his hand made things too final for Mac.
The silence after the exchange of keys was tense when neither of them said anything. After a while though, Jack's phone buzzed and the moment was interrupted. With one final goodbye, Jack was gone and Mac was left alone in the Phoenix garage, already missing Jack.
There was the uncertainty of Mac believing in Jack's promise when Jack broke the promise he made Mac back in the Sandbox. The promise he'd never leave Mac, and ended up doing just that. The promise he reinforced and repeated every chance he got in the following years. And Mac believed him.
Still, in the end Jack left. He broke that promise, so what prevented Jack from breaking this promise, too. What if Jack wasn't coming back?
They kept communicating. It was something that only Bozer and Riley knew. And possibly Matty, although he didn't know for sure. Mac didn't wanna risk it at all with telling Russ or Desi. It still felt too raw and not necessary to include everyone on his and Jack's communication.
It started after a month into Jack's leave. Mac's phone rang while he was grocery shopping per Bozer's list and he almost let the shopping cart drop in the middle of the supermarket. Hearing Jack's Texan drawl was enough to make him think of home and safe. It brought hope that what Jack said on his way out, weren't just empty words.
After that, Mac asked Riley, per Jack's request to secure the channels through which Jack and Mac communicated on. It took some heavy duty encryption, but it made them both feel safer when that was out of the way. Jack couldn't say much about it, just that he needed to make sure absolutely no one knew (other than their family) about their talks. Mac suspected it had to do more with who sent Jack specifically on that mission, a mystery up to date, but he kept his thoughts to himself. Just listening to Jack's voice every once in a while was enough. It had to be enough. It had to last till Jack's return.
Right now, as the streets were getting blurry by the unshed tears in his eyes, Mac wanted Jack to be there already. He was desperate for Jack's voice, his touch... Just his presence would suffice. But Mac knew he couldn't draw Jack with telepathic powers he didn't possess, so he let himself hope for just one miracle that he knew wouldn't happen. Hope was a dangerous thing. Still, Mac hoped that Jack would be back soon.
After what transpired today, Mac needed Jack to lean on. It was embarrassing to admit it to himself. A grown up man like Mac to be in need of his partner's comfort. But after what Mac learned at the Codex facility and his father's death, he was desperate.
He felt betrayed, angry, sad and disappointed. Mac was going out of his mind, his skin crawling with dread at what he learned today, plus James dying in that facility. His mom being a DXS agent and his aunt having some radical ideas about how the world should be saved and couldn't see that those views were wrong. Claiming his mom was in on the plan, too.
Not for the first time since he started the hunt for old ghosts from his past Mac asked himself, would it have been better if he never started that search at all? Perhaps there was a reason why his grandpa didn't tell him his father was still alive and where he was all that time. To protect him from the cruelty of the situation.
And Mac brought it upon himself with not giving up.
Just one more clue, one more step, one more trace until there was none left. And Mac might have just started the apocalypse. Unleashed a monster.
Mac parked the Tacoma in front of the house, turned the engine off and got inside his house. He wiped his misty eyes and opened the fridge.
After a long while surveying the contents of the fridge, Mac decided against having a cold beer. He did that a lot lately, had one beer too many and ended up with a hangover from hell. He tried to tell himself it wasn't because Jack wasn't there, but he was only fooling himself.
Mac downed a water bottle instead, that did nothing to quell the bitter taste inside his mouth. He looked around the empty house, eerily quiet, and realized that it has been a while since he visited Jack's place.
Whenever Mac felt down or missed Jack terribly, he sneaked over to Jack's apartment, sleeping there, and using up all the comfort the place and Jack's clothes could offer in the absence of their owner.
The place had Jack all over. It smelled like Jack, the familiar scent of gunpowder and leather, and Jack. The place felt like Jack. On those particularly hard days and nights, it was as if Jack never left.
Most of the time though, Mac didn't even know he was doing it consciously. He would go for a drive to clear his mind and bam, he would find himself in front of Jack's apartment.
The only comfort Mac allowed himself after Jack left.
On a whim Mac took the keys from the GTO that was parked in his garage. Jack left it for safekeeping with Mac and after that godforsaken day when Mac drove it home, it stayed in his garage. Mac never took her out, knowing it would be too much if he let that part of Jack close to him. But tonight felt like the kind of night where there was no such thing as too much. And Mac was okay with it. Everything was off limits now.
Mac got behind the steering wheel, the familiar scent of leather and gunpowder overwhelming his senses. It was as if Jack was physically here, in the car. Running his hands down the steering wheel, Mac grounded himself and after buckling his seatbelt he revved the engine.
Something caught his eye as Mac got the car in reverse. One of Jack's numerous leather jackets was on the backseat. Jack must have left it that morning when he drove to work before he had to be debriefed about the mission. Mac stopped in his driveway and stepped out of the car. Retrieved Jack's jacket and put it on. It was slightly bigger on his slender frame, but it felt so good to have it on. It felt almost like a Jack hug. Almost. Nothing could top Jack hugging him, but Mac would take something over nothing at all.
Mac got back behind the wheel and drove off.
It was as if the car was driving itself, Mac tuned out soon after he took off from his driveway. He let the familiar sounds and lights of downtown Los Angeles lull him. Suddenly he was in front of Jack's apartment. Mac parked the car and for a moment, stayed inside, not wanting to face the fact that he felt Jack's presence tonight stronger than ever. But he couldn't stay in the car forever.
Mac took a deep breath and got out. The familiar ground under his feet calmed Mac further and he knew he made the right decision.
He unlocked the door to Jack's apartment and got inside, but not before the alarm was activated. It was definitely not something Mac encountered before and he tried the code which was a set of numbers, really, nothing too predictable. But when that didn't stop the beeping of the alarm, Mac ran out of ideas. He couldn't call the alarm company in time before they dispatched a team. He also didn't want to explain to them who he was and what he was doing at Jack's apartment.
And then he remembered. Riley mentioned it in passing when she helped Bozer inside Jack's apartment after it was broken into.
"Okay, let's try that one." Mac spoke to the empty apartment.
Mac pressed each five digits carefully.
The beeping didn't stop.
"Damn it, what's going on? Why isn't the code working?"
"It's 0-1-0-8-9." A voice behind Mac spoke, the familiar Southern drawl more prominent with every word.
Mac typed the numbers without giving it much thought and the beeping blessedly stopped. That's when Mac froze.
It couldn't be, right? It wasn't who Mac thought it was. He was never granted miracles. Never had things turned into his favor when he asked for it. Mac didn't have that luck. But the voice reciting the numbers belonged to someone Mac wished to have had by his side tonight. And unless there was a ghost with the voice of the one person Mac was summoning, then it was unmistakably-
"Jack?"
…
Jack thought he had time. Honest to God, he thought he had more time.
Although the irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. Time. He had time. He had well over two years worth of time.
Being faced with the reason for why he left in the first place, it made something sharp in his chest twist.
Mac was at his apartment and fighting a losing battle with the alarm keycode. The code Jack changed the second he came back to his apartment.
Jack exhaled and took his phone out of his pocket. He didn't want to spook the kid so he opted out of calling the alarm company, and he sent them a text not to send a car to his place and that he would handle the situation. False alarm, he said.
There were million things that went through Jack's head at once while he watched Mac punch number after number and failed to get the right code.
Jack didn't think Mac would go to his apartment, presumably with Jack still gone. It was something Jack had to think about. After how things went between them in the months leading up to Jack leaving for the Kovacs mission, Jack honestly thought he'd leave the kid in no state to be able to go anywhere near Jack's apartment.
Jack was wrong.
When Jack left for the mission two years ago, the pressure he was under and the choice he had to make prevented him from telling Mac the gravity of the situation, and just how much Jack needed him there with him. But he couldn't. Jack had to act quickly, to not let his emotions overcome him. He was always an emotional person, always tactile. Offering comfort to everyone around him. Not even what he did for a job had changed Jack. Even when he was barely breathing and covered in bruises his first instinct was to reassure his people that they were going to be fine. It was the way he was wired and nothing could change that.
Except the order to form an elite team with Jack as the leader to catch a man that Jack himself was supposed to take down years ago. Before he and Mac crossed paths. Before he got attached to the blond and scrappy kid in the Sandbox that wasn't pulling his punches and saved Jack's ass more times than Jack had fingers to count.
Before Jack decided that Mac was his own responsibility and vowed to protect him come hell and high waters.
But Jack broke that vow the second he let James convince him to take the job. To go and hunt down Tiberius Kovacs and put an end to the mess, as James put it, Jack made it himself, so he should own up to it.
James knew how to push all of Jack's buttons and Jack hated to admit Mac resembled the man in that. But that resemblance ended the second James opened his mouth and told Jack that he, under no circumstances, was going solo on this one. And by solo James meant no Mac to be there to help Jack and watch his six, but a team Jack knew nothing about.
Jack felt guilty for how things turned out with James that he accepted immediately and without hesitation. He knew that he was about to break the kid's heart and his promise to never leave him. Jack only hoped that the mission would be quick and he'd be back long before the seriousness of the situation caught up with Mac.
It was spoken too soon because one month turned into two and then six months turned into a year and before long Jack was gone for more than two years.
He didn't think Mac would stick around for that long. He figured the kid was going to move on, forget about the man that broke a precious promise, the man who betrayed their trust and friendship and agreed to a mission that could have very well been his last.
Jack thought that since he's been gone for over two years and Mac survived that long without him, that Mac didn't need him anymore. It broke his heart when that thought wormed itself in his head, but it didn't mean it wasn't true. The kid was resilient, adaptable and he could take care of himself even without Jack constantly teasing him about it.
Clearly Jack was wrong.
That's when Jack decided to make himself known.
"It's 0-1-0-8-9."
The simple 5-digit number of the alarm keycode. His voice sounded loud in the apartment despite the shrill beeping of the alarm. Jack's heart hammered in his chest, the thud-thud-thud sound deafening in his ears. He noticed the exact moment when Mac registered his voice and wasn't prepared for the sight of Mac after so long.
The kid that turned around to face Jack wasn't the kid Jack left. Mac was pale, with bags under his eyes and purple-red bruises under his eyes that indicated lack of sleep. His eyes were glassy, and the bright blue of the irises was replaced with a stormy blue, coupled with a faraway look in Mac's eyes.
Jack bit the inside of his cheek, afraid that making a sound of distress would scare Mac away. He wanted to cry. Mac was so far from okay and well, Jack could sob. He wanted to reach out, touch the kid's neck just to feel a pulse, inhale his scent to know it was really Mac and not a mirage staring at him, wearing one of Jack's leather jackets.
And then Mac spoke.
"Jack?"
It was music in Jack's ears. To hear Mac's voice again, in live, without the weather and the connection interfering over the lines during their phone calls.
"Yeah, Mac, it's me."
Jack didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted to approach the kid, but was afraid he'd startle him and Jack was not ready to see Mac go out of the door he just got in from. Mac stood awkwardly with the door so close behind him that that wasn't a far fetched possibility.
And then Jack remembered. The reason why he pushed so hard to see this mission through to the end, to bring it to a finish so he could go back home and give Mac what he owed him that day when he said goodbye.
Jack realized that if he didn't want Mac to bolt or to scare him away, Jack had to let Mac come to him. He had to let Mac lead and as always Jack planned to follow that lead even if it led him to the point of no return. Because Mac was worth it.
"Hey, hoss?" Jack's voice almost wavered at the term of endearment saved specially for Mac.
Mac looked at him expectantly and he looked so small despite his age and height, it made Jack's heart soar.
What did he do to this kid?
"I think I owe you a hug."
Jack spread his arms hoping Mac would get the hint and recognize his silent request for what it was. Mac blinked at him, seemingly not understanding what was Jack asking of him, the cogs turning in his head. The second Mac reached his conclusion he leaped across the room and crashed hard against Jack, right into Jack's waiting arms. Jack hissed because the impact jostled his ribs and shoulder, but he braved it on for now. He knew he'd have to tell Mac sooner or later.
Jack wrapped his arms around Mac's back and drew him even closer, not wanting to lose an ounce of contact in fear it wasn't real and to prove to himself this moment was real. Mac was shaking in his embrace. Jack squeezed his eyes tight. He wasn't gonna cry, dammit.
"I'm sorry, kid. I'm so sorry."
"Jack."
"I can't even begin to explain how sorry I am for leaving." Jack started, as he carded his fingers through Mac's hair, drawing comfort from the kid that had his head buried in Jack's shoulder.
Jack inhaled the scent that was Mac and knew he was back home.
"I'm here kid. I'm here and not going anywhere. I'm back."
"You... but you... Are you really back?"
Jack almost screamed at the way Mac's voice sounded. So small and weak, like he lost all the hope that Jack would come home. And Jack deserved it. For what he put the kid through.
He did promise he would come back, but that was two years ago and a change. Jack had no idea what Mac went through, physically and emotionally. Phone calls didn't exactly work out in favor of Jack accessing the state Mac was in. The kid was good at deflecting when it came to his own feelings and Jack cursed himself for taking so long. But he had to see this through to the end and coming back to LA had to wait, if he was to have a chance to redeem himself with Mac.
"I missed you Jack. So much. I missed you."
"That makes the two of us, Mac. I'm sorry."
They moved to sit on the couch, because as much as Jack wanted to stay in this position forever, holding Mac in his embrace, it was killing him to stand for too long.
He did say he was back home. He just didn't say he was hurt in the last attempt to make it out of that hell he lived through in the last two years.
…
Once on the couch, Mac tucked himself under Jack's arm, placing his head over Jack's left shoulder and sighed. Mac knew Jack wasn't telling him he was hurt. Mac noticed it the second he launched himself at Jack and Jack hissed, but pretended he didn't for Mac's sake. It looked to him like it didn't dull out Jack's sense of self preservation. If he didn't say it, technically it didn't happen.
Mac knew that if he hid something like that from Jack he'd be getting hell right about now, but Mac figured Jack would tell him on his own accord.
There were so many things they had to talk about, but right now, being this close to each other, having Jack actually back home, it was the best feeling and the power it had over Mac forgetting what happened tonight even for a bit.
Offering reprieve from something Mac was sure would haunt his dreams for years to come. It was bad enough to know James was missing, out there alive and existing, but to have him actually gone and with more questions than answers. It made Mac feel unsettled.
All that didn't matter at the moment, though, because Jack came home. As promised.
Everything else could wait.
…
Jack could feel the kid trembling, where Mac was practically glued to Jack's left side. He tried to give Mac comfort, running his fingers through the kid's hair. It did calm him a bit, knowing Mac was in one piece, but at the same time Jack had no idea what the mental state of Mac would be. On his flight back to LA, Matty briefed him on what was then currently happening. Jack knew that it was impossible for the plane to move faster if he really put his mind into it, no such thing as telepathy and Jedi mind tricks to add more speed to the bird that was already flying at top speed as it was; but it didn't mean he wanted to be there for his kid any less. The way he was supposed to be in the first place and not leave to the other end of the world, hunting down Kovacs because James MacGyver said so.
Jack kept his silence over that little tiny fact that he knew would enrage Mac. But he had his reasons for it, and he didn't want Mac to get worked up over Oversight again and leave their team, their family. One member down was enough. When Jack left for his mission, he went for the thought that the kid at least had James even though Jack wasn't gonna be physically there for him. Jack should have known that no matter what, James' presence wouldn't change the fact the kid needed him, Jack, by his side.
Jack cursed the moment he mentioned Mac to contact his father. It wasn't worth the heartbreak and the vacant look in Mac's eyes ever since James returned. Every time Mac looked detached, the little pin prick needle in Jack's heart lodged itself deeper in the soft tissue. Jack was afraid of needles.
Jack shuddered at the thought of the state of their family when Mac left for wherever it was he left before Nigeria. It was like their connection snapped. Riley wanted to go to work for the Coltons, her and Billy getting closer, yet she never actually did it. But the thought of her considering another job had Jack rattled more than he wanted to admit. Jack wasn't sure what to make out of it, but with Riley being a grown-up woman and all Jack could offer was support and someone that would be there for her if she needed him, had she realized the idea.
Bozer and Leanna were getting closer and their relationship was blooming. There was a moment where Jack thought they were going to move in together, because Bozer spent more time with Leanna than at Mac's house.
Matty still ran the ops at the Phoenix, fulfilling her duties as a Director, and missed Mac like all of their little team. She too sensed the connection break when Mac left, and although she never complained out loud, Jack knew no other team was the same as theirs. No one worked seamlessly and so in sync as theirs. They were reduced to one team-member down, and they still worked as well as could be expected, it wasn't the same.
Their glue was gone.
Jack? Jack missed Mac like missing a limb, and in this case the limb was his heart and soul. Jack was hurting for Mac, too. Jack knew that if he himself was to blame for the state of Mac when James reappeared. He was the one that told Mac to look for his father, to reach out. Little did Jack know that James was no alike to his pops and that it would turn the kid's life into a nightmare.
Jack watched as the kid slipped through his hands, it was months in the making; and if Jack could pinpoint the right moment when that happened it would make him feel less guilty for always insisting Mac not give up and offering his assistance to Mac.
If Jack could go back in time, he'd do things differently. There'd be nothing he wouldn't do to protect his partner from this madness.
Mac relaxed minutely under his arm and his breathing had evened out. It made Jack feel like he at least did one thing right with Mac in the years after Jack left and it put his mind at ease for two seconds.
Jack tried not to think of the snappy and snarky kid in the months after his return from Nigeria. Tried not to think of the way Mac looked in the distance, seemingly lost; and wished to have spoken out loud and helped Mac to snap out of it. The harsh way he treated everyone around him, barbs and jokes falling flat, yells about paranoia and unreasonable fear echoing in Jack's head. The constant rigid posture, keeping Jack and everyone else at an arm's length. Thinking back of the Sandbox when Jack was paired with Mac, Jack realized that the kid wasn't that reserved even then. It was true that Mac and him didn't hit it off immediately, but once Jack started crumbling all the high walls Mac built around himself; it was a match made in a war zone.
The reason why Mac was this all new, and completely 360 turn person was James MacGyver. The reason and root to all their problems.
Jack closed his eyes and squeezed them shut, trying to keep the tears at bay. He wished he'd gone for the hug instead of the handshake. But thinking of the kid's posture, back ramrod straight, steely-blue eyes staring right through Jack, his cold face in place of the usual expressive one Jack came to think of as home. And Jack didn't like that face. It didn't belong to someone like Mac.
And there were the hands in his pockets posture. Burying his feelings in the pockets of his jeans. It was a classic Mac thing he always did. Mac's hands were the most expressive. Twisting a paperclip when he was thinking, handling his SAK when working, wringing his hands when he was worried... but when he had his arms crossed in front of him or his hands in his pockets, it meant Mac was trying to not hurt himself, keep his feelings at bay.
Jack wished he went for the hug. That look on his kid, trying to act brave and not hurt it would be forever etched in Jack's mind. But Jack had to go for the handshake. If he didn't, he risked all his resolve to crumble and tell Mac everything. The thought was appealing. The threat over Mac's head though, that was Jack's fuel. So, he contained himself. He didn't reach out. And in the time after Jack left, even though he couldn't see Mac physically to attest to that, Jack just knew the kid shut down completely.
It was all his fault. He left the kid. It was to protect Mac, but Jack did leave him.
Jack shook his head. It wasn't time to dwell on it. They had all the time in the world now. He came back home to Mac, and they would talk it out. Try to, at least. Now with the kid sitting so close to him, yet still keeping the defensive posture, Jack vowed to himself he'd do anything possible to bring Mac back out of his own brain. As much as that brain was helping him, sometimes it had Mac's mind going on a loop that frustrated Jack endlessly when he tried to untangle Mac from all those confusing thoughts.
Mac was thinking.
…
Mac was thinking. His brain was in overdrive. He knew it was a long time coming, but he was able to focus the most when Jack was around. The grounding force of his partner there to be able to herd his thoughts, his calming presence to help Mac to sort through those thoughts, to pick the best possible outcome for the situation.
When Jack left, Mac lost all the focus. The ground was taken away from under his feet and he lived the last two years unbalanced, trying to find his footing, but it always evaded him. The only moments he had a reprieve were Jack's calls and occasional e-mail. Other than that, Mac was constantly lost in his mind, locked in this constant state of surreal, and the man with the key wasn't even on the same continent as himself.
When whoever was ordering the operation on Kovacs took Jack away from him, they took his focus, too. They took his heart and left a gaping hole inside that turned Mac into whatever it was that he could call himself now.
Mac knew he had to get the words out before Jack started talking. Because he couldn't let Jack think, not even for a second longer that he wasn't the man Mac knew he was.
Mac made his mistakes, he was mean to Jack, throwing words, trying to hurt him so Jack would finally decide Mac was not worth it and leave. Mac wished that Jack would realize he was more trouble than it was worth it, and that he'd only hurt Jack more if Jack stayed.
The patience he had for all the things Jack had to say to convince Mac to stay was starting to wear off and Mac had enough. Jack had to go so as to not get burned.
And when Jack finally left, Mac was devastated and knew he made the wrong decision. He missed Jack fiercely. And was in constant danger.
Mac had to fix that. He was good at fixing problems. He just hoped he wasn't too late.
He shifted in Jack's side-hug and moved to look at Jack better.
"I'm sorry." Mac blurted out in lack of words to say, because he was desperate to hear Jack's voice that they could discuss the forecast, and Mac wouldn't complain.
"What for?" Jack sounded surprised and confused. Mac realized he had to explain why he was apologizing. Mac was never good with words, and battled with his thoughts for a moment.
"For pushing you away. I know that you left for the mission thinking I was better off without you and I want you to know. I don't. I didn't mean…"
Thousand thoughts came at Mac at the same time and he struggled to voice them all.
"Hoss?"
Jack sounded worried. One look at him and Mac knew Jack looked like Mac was a scared and wounded animal ready to pounce at everyone that tried to approach it. Mac wanted to erase that look from Jack's face. It didn't belong there.
"I didn't want you to go. I didn't mean you'd actually leave. I-"
"I'm the one that has to apologize for that. I shouldn't have left in the first place. But I had no choice. I had no choice kid, and you have to believe me."
Jack paused and took a deep breath. He did sound winded and Mac was now sure Jack was hurt.
"I know I don't have a lot of ground to ask you this, to believe me and my words when my actions for the past couple of years say anything but. I'd understand if you choose to not trust me with what I'm going to say. But I want you to know. I had no choice. It was either that or-"
Jack stopped for the second time, but it wasn't for lack of breath this time. Mac knew that Jack wanted to tell him something, but didn't know how to broach the subject.
"My father died tonight." Mac went and blurted the next thing his brain threw at him.
Jack to his credit didn't say anything, waiting for Mac to continue.
"I'm not sure how we came to this… situation. All I know is we got tangled with this group called Codex, they are…"
Mac was frustrated because he couldn't put his thoughts into words. Jack tensed next to him and a moment later he moved to stand up. Mac was confused, but then Jack went to the desk and rummaged through the drawers. He came back and carefully handed a box to Mac.
Mac stared at the box before he realized what was inside. He looked from the box full of paper clips to Jack and Jack looked sheepish.
"I got them for you a long time ago. Figured since you are always busy making these shapes and your hands need to be busy less you go out of your skin…"
"Jack this is…" Mac took the box and pulled a few paperclips out of it. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
Mac went to work on the paperclips, twisting and turning them as Jack watched. Mac found it easier to be engaged in making something and talking to Jack.
"My mom was DXS." Mac finally confessed.
Ever since his aunt told him this piece of information, it lodged itself in Mac's brain and stayed there, repeating itself on a loop. Refusing to leave Mac's brain.
"She was an agent?" Jack asked incredulously and Mac knew in that moment that no one else knew about it, let alone Jack. He sighed in relief.
"Yes. My aunt, her name is Gwendolyn Hayes, said that my mom worked for DXS and that what's now Codex's plan was initially a file my mom created. File 47."
"Matty mentioned it." Jack scratched at his five o'clock shadow, seemingly lost in time and Mac was afraid of what would come out of Jack's mouth next.
"She did?"
"Yes. But she never told me… all I know is that everyone working on that project mysteriously died one way or another. Your aunt's name sounds familiar, but I wasn't involved in that case except the redacted version of the file. It was below my pay grade. I had no earthly idea your mom was involved in creating that file."
"It's just every time something happens, I think this is it. No more surprises, but it's like I'm jinxing it. There's always one more thing. I feel like I'm floating between what I know and what I don't know. And the pool of things I don't know weighs me down more and more."
Mac sighed.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about her. Not yet. Not sure what to think, what to say, what to do. It's too much. My brain is too loud."
"You don't have to talk if you don't want to, Mac. No one is expecting you to process this at once and be done with it. Move on, act like nothing happened. You need time, Mac. And I don't care what else threatens the world or whoever needs the Phoenix to extract them or secure them, you need that time and I'm not above making sure you get that time, if you understand what I mean."
Mac did and understood what Jack was trying to say. Mac smiled and loosened up a bit as he let his hands twist and turn the paper clips in his hands. It was soothing and he was glad Jack had kept paperclips in his apartment in case Mac needed them. Mac was grateful for the distraction. And before he knew he had a shape of a paperclip made. A leather jacket.
Mac snorted. The symbolism was too strong to chalk it away to coincidence. Mac raised his head from what he was currently doing and left the shape on the table to look at Jack.
Jack had that look on his face that he usually got when he caught Mac doing something he definitely approved of and wasn't hiding it.
"Gee hoss, that coat looks a little familiar don't it."
Mac could feel his cheeks growing hotter and was sure he was blushing. Jack looked at him with a knowing smile and it made Mac want to shrink deeper on the couch. It was also one expert change of topics Mac was grateful for.
Mac didn't know what to do so he stood up and paced for a bit. Jack was still looking at him with sort of awe and Mac buried his hands deep in his pockets.
"It's because it's yours. I found it in the GTO when I... before I came here. And I put it on without thinking. I could return it to you-"
Jack stopped him with a hand on Mac's forearm. When did he get up?
"Nah, keep it. Looks good on you."
"I... but it's yours. I can't just-"
"You can and you will. I'm not looking for you to return it to me. If it makes you feel better, I'm honored you chose this one to become a part of your wardrobe." Jack smiled and Mac loosened enough to let his hands out of the pockets. But now he ached for something to busy himself with. His hands were in constant movement and Jack often joked they had a brain on their own that was linked to Mac's brain and both in motion were a dangerous combination.
That thought made Mac smile and he saw a mirroring smile on Jack's face. Jack understood him with one look, and knew what to do to ground Mac.
Right now he looked at Mac with his big brown eyes, fondness etched in them, and something else that could be only identified as pride.
Even after all the years since he's known Jack, Mac was surprised at how proud Jack was of him. Something he strived for most of his life. For someone to be proud of him. To want to be there for Mac.
Jack has that in spades. It made Mac feel a thousand times guiltier that he pushed Jack away. If he hadn't pushed then Jack wouldn't have accepted to lead the team that was supposed to capture Kovacs.
Mac chased that thought away. There'd be time to think over that. The most important thing was that Jack was back.
He kept his promise. He came home.
...
Jack felt that the talk was moving towards territory that he'd want to be sitting for.
He noticed Mac was looking at him, intently like he wanted to say something, but refrained himself from it.
"I'm glad you kept your promise." Mac finally spoke and Jack furrowed his brow in confusion.
"You promised me that you'd come back. For a while there I didn't believe it. I didn't know if I could, after all I did to... I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for, hoss. I know."
"Anyway. I want you to know. I didn't mean it. Any of it. It was just words. I didn't mean to hurt you, push you to your limits, until you, too-"
The kid stopped himself then and Jack heard the unspoken words too clear in his head.
Until you, too, left me.
Mac was so used to people leaving him that he thought Jack left him, too. And with right. Jack knew that. He only hoped he could make amends and convince Mac he wasn't going anywhere. Not now, not ever. At least not willingly.
"I know you didn't mean anything by it, Mac. I want you to believe me when I say, I know. I know it's a lot to ask, but believe me when I say. I know."
It seemed like Mac let the words sink in and was weighing his options should he believe Jack or not.
"How do you know? I never said..."
"What do you think? Ever since the Sandbox, Mac. You push people away, too afraid to connect with them. You use your words and your actions to distance yourself. It hasn't happened in a long time and especially not between us in years, but I know that was the case after you came back from Nigeria.
"Your brain had too much information to process. You didn't want to think about it or face James so you retreated in your shell. And you took it out on me."
Jack could see the changes on Mac's face as he let Jack's words sink in. He knew Jack was right, as much as Jack did.
"Every time you lose someone, or someone you lost is mentioned, you close in on yourself. Your coping mechanism is to shut down. That's when you resort to using words as a shield. But let me tell you something. You can be rude to me or insult me however much you want to. I won't get mad or back down. You know how I know that? Because you need to get it all out. And I happen to be always there to take the word vomit."
"I- How?"
"It's better to 'lay it on me' than it is to 'lay it on yourself'. If anything, I'm honored you chose me."
Mac didn't say anything and Jack knew he struck a nerve.
"My biggest fear while I was away was how you'd cope. I knew you would shut down even deeper, and wouldn't let anyone else as close as you did with me. Not even Bozer. And that they'd be too scared to say a word, because they know, they know if they dared to say a word, they'd unleash hurricane MacGyver. And that ain't pretty to watch. It also ain't pretty to keep it all inside and bottled up, brother."
Mac screwed his face in an unreadable expression.
"You make it sound like... I'm. I never used you as an emotional crutch, Jack. I'd never-"
Jack returned his hand on Mac's forearm and gently squeezed in reassurance. He wanted Mac to know that he didn't think of it.
"I'd never accuse you of using me, Mac. I placed myself in the way, consciously, let you belt at me, everything else be damned. I love you Mac, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You stopped being my job years ago. You are family. And my obligation, even though you had such a hard time to let go and believe that. It's the truth. Raw and hard truth. I'd never let you hurt yourself consciously. I can take it, I promise.
"I want you to know that I meant the promise I made you. I only hoped I'd be able to fulfill it, because I came so close to death in the last two years, my only thought was to make it out of that hell alive, so I could come back home to you, to our family. So my promise won't be broken. So you won't have to remember me and think of that one promise I didn't keep. You were my force, Mac. Why I didn't give up until the very end.
"And one last thing. You are not the reason I left. Well, you were, sort of. But not directly. Nothing you said or did was what made me accept that mission. I hope you can find it in yourself to believe that."
Jack could see the exact moment Mac absorbed everything he said. Jack could only hope he wouldn't lose the courage to tell the kid what actually happened. The real reason why he left.
Mac kept looking at his face and Jack realized Mac was onto him. There was a blooming bruise right under Jack's left eye and he caught sight of it after he took a shower earlier. He thought the darkened apartment would do him good in that department. As long as Mac didn't notice it.
The kid was too smart for his own good.
"There's one more teeny tiny bit I need to tell you."
"Why do I think it would be anything but that?" Mac asked.
Jack smiled. Knowing each other so well… It went both ways. He had to remind himself of that more often.
"Well, seeing as we're talkin' old promises, remember that deal we made way back when about tellin' each other when we're a little banged up?"
"Yes?"
"I… kinda got hurt. Earlier today, actually I'd say it's been a day almost, since I was in a different time zone. We were finally able to get the drop on Kovacs. We were ready to take him out. But not before he blew up his hiding place, taking as many as he could with himself in the process."
"Let me guess. Two, possibly three busted ribs and your shoulder. Still not sure on what exactly is wrong with it."
Jack could laugh and cry at the same time. Leave it to his partner to just know.
Mac looked at Jack with his lips quivering up in an almost smile.
"You are not far off the truth Doctor MacGyver. Three busted ribs and my shoulder is only bruised. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'm still standing after what happened. But I'm gonna count my blessings and be grateful that I'm alive. And that you are here."
…
Mac didn't feel better once Jack confirmed he was hurt, but he braved it on. They both had years to catch up on and Mac didn't want to worry too much about something he couldn't prevent simply because he didn't know about it. If Jack could hear his thoughts he'd probably check for fever because that wasn't something Mac said. Like ever.
"Shouldn't you be resting and keeping some ice on those bruises?"
Jack shrugged with his good shoulder.
"Nah, I did that on the flight home. I'm gonna get a beer. You want one?"
Mac knew he shouldn't. But this was Jack. And he was back home. One beer wouldn't hurt him. It wasn't like Mac was looking forward to getting drunk off his ass tonight.
"Sure. Only one, though."
Jack gave him a questioning glance before he retrieved two beers from the fridge. Jack used his as makeshift ice pack against the bruise on his cheek that Mac noticed earlier, and sighed. That knowing look in Jack's eyes was killing him. No matter where they were, the second they were in the same room, it was like Mac was hardwired to Jack and instantly Jack knew everything.
"So, while we are still at the promises topic, do you remember what you promised me when we were still in the Sandbox?"
"There was more than one, you have to enlighten me."
"I think you and I both know you know what I'm referencing. You hesitated when I asked you if you want a beer and that tells me a lot. I have a feeling I'm not going to like it, anyway."
Mac sighed. He knew that Jack would see right through him.
"I know what you are thinking. You are a spy, you should be used to lying by now. Yet, here's where you are wrong, hoss. You can lie perfectly when it's on a mission, but with me and the rest of the gang? You are not fooling us. C'mon, dish it out."
"What's this Jack? Are you profiling me?"
"Nah, Mac. I was CIA, not FBI. But I know you well enough by now to know when something's wrong with ya'."
"You said... And don't drink alone. Shit happens. Bad days, bad missions. You lose friends and it feels like life is closing in. Promise me you won't drink alone." Mac parroted the words to Jack.
"I still stand by those words, Mac. What happened?"
Mac knew that Jack would find out sooner or later.
"I admit I broke a promise of my own, too."
"Oh, Mac..."
"I didn't mean to. I wanted to hold on to it as much as I could, but I was getting angrier by the day. That you left. I was such a mess. And I guess I wanted to rebel against you. And you weren't there to stop me."
The look that passed on Jack's face was painful to watch and Mac's own almost crumpled under the flood of words and thoughts, some that were buried so deep inside Mac had even forgotten they were there.
"I'm sorry, it's not your fault. It was my own decision to drink all by myself."
"You could have asked Bozer to keep you company. Or Riles. Desi. What happened to you, Mac?"
"Boze moved in with Leanna shortly after you left. And about Desi and Riley, things are a bit complicated between us three. I don't know... it's something that I don't even know. I don't know what I'm doing, Jack."
"That much is for certain, kid. Whatever it is that you have gotten yourself into this time, I'm here now to help you reign it in. Even if you don't want my help, I'm offering it. Rant, yell, scream or give me the cold shoulder if you want. Just don't ever, and I mean it, ever, drink alone."
"I promise."
Jack nodded, Mac's answer satisfying enough. Mac knew he truly meant to keep the promise this time. As Jack kept his in the end.
On a whim Mac picked up the paper clip shape he made earlier and presented it to Jack.
"Here. I made this for you."
Mac knew that Jack liked it when he made the shapes no matter how much Jack gave him a hard time about them sometimes. Jack knew it calmed Mac down and helped him think.
Jack looked surprised, but took it nonetheless.
"What's this, hoss?"
"It's a jacket. Leather jacket."
"That's pretty amazing, Mac. Thank you."
"Don't mention it. It's the least I could do after I snatched your jacket like that."
"Hey, now, I already told you to keep the jacket. You and I both know that's not the only article of clothing you own that was previously mine."
Mac could feel the blush rising high on his cheeks. He thought he was careful.
"I know why you did what you did and I don't blame you, Mac. I won't tell if you don't."
Mac ducked his head to hide the grin that was threatening to split his face in two. He was pretty sure Jack had a matching one on his face as well.
"Okay, let's put this bad boy to sleep now, shall we." Jack said and left his beer on the table next to Mac's.
Jack got up and moved towards the place where he kept-
Mac gasped when he saw what Jack was holding in his hands.
The cigar box where Jack kept his father's dog tags. His most prized possessions. The most important things Jack kept inside that box.
The realization hit Mac like a freight train and he had to close his eyes against the onslaught of emotions. Jack kept part of Mac inside that box. He never would have thought that Jack-
Mac was willing to bet that wasn't the first paper clip shape Jack kept in that box. Wondering what else was inside.
Mac didn't know what to do with that thought. It was this out of all things that transpired today, of what Jack said and did tonight, that set in stone the fact that Jack was truly home.
Mac opted out of acknowledging the fact he saw what Jack was doing or that Jack knew that Mac saw him.
They drank their beer in silence as the minutes went by, sitting in comfortable silence, but the atmosphere was still charged. Mac knew that Jack had questions. Jack knew that Mac had questions. Neither said anything. They were waiting for the other to break the proverbial ice.
Jack was the one that couldn't hold it in much longer.
"Matty told me what happened earlier tonight. About the explosion and… James' demise."
"Yeah. It was quite the day I just had. And if we are being honest, I wanted you to be there with me." Mac took a swig from the beer and paused, trying to peel off the label in a way to engage his hands. "I'm not saying this to guilt you for not being there, but out of all the dangerous situations I've been in lately, this one… It was bad."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. You were there in spirit, though. Just thinking about you made it possible for me to push through, to get out of it. For the first time I wasn't worried about where you were and the dangers you were exposed to day by day. I asked myself what you would say if you were next to me. And I came with a plan. Dad helped. And Mason."
Jack nodded.
"And? How did things go boom?"
"While I found us a way to get out, dad built a bomb. But the team Gwen dispatched to get to us… uhm, there were lots of bullets and one of them hit the detonator. There was no time to build a new one. That's when he…"
Mac cleared his throat. It was closing up on him and Mac didn't know if he'd be able to tell the rest of what happened to Jack before he let his emotions flood him.
"He said he'd trigger it manually. Realistically, I knew he was right, but thinking about it doesn't make me feel easier about it."
"From what you just told me and Matty briefing me on the plane, there was nothing you could do. You could have gotten killed together with that Mason guy or worse, they could have taken you with them."
"That was their plan. Her plan, I mean, my aunt's. She said that she wanted to recruit me. Said it was a legacy since she and mom were the ones that started the planning."
"It goes without saying that she has lost her fucking mind long before you two met, pardon my language. Only a lunatic would try to recruit you for their own gain, playing on the family card when they haven't been there when it mattered."
Mac's throat closed up for an entirely different reason now, recognizing Jack's words for what they were. Jack was reminding him of the family that chose to stick around, willingly. And wasn't wrong with his statement.
"You've called me a lunatic before."
"Yeah, but you know it's not the same to the level of batshit craziness that your aunt possesses. I ain't a doctor, but if you ask me, she lost her touch with reality a long time ago."
"You are not wrong. But I'm not sure I don't have it either."
"Why do you say that?"
"I know you never thought I'd say this for anyone, but… Hell, I never thought I'd think this, either. But… You know, I don't feel anything about my dad's death." Mac finally spoke his most troubling thought out loud.
Jack didn't say anything, just waited for Mac to tell him everything.
"I thought that after so long, him being gone for most of my life and then discovering he was so close to me all that time… I thought it would elicit a reaction. Something. Anything."
Mac wiped a treacherous tear and took a deep breath.
"Point is, he wasn't the greatest father. I tried to forgive him. To give him ground to defend himself, to redeem himself for what he did. He left me, yet he controlled all my life and tried to be involved in it as much as he could. I'm just not sure if he cared for me as much as he liked to think. And I forgave him."
Mac laughed bitterly. He never said any of this out loud before and realized it was the case only because Jack wasn't there to coax it out of Mac by being himself. Mac wasn't a man of many words; he preferred to keep his emotions bottled up. But ever since Jack came into his life, he crumbled Mac's defences and taught him it wasn't a weakness to have emotions and that it was okay to talk about it. And after Jack left, Mac built those defences back up. Weird enough, talking to Jack smashed them to the ground.
"I thought I'd feel something? Y'know, sadness, regret that I didn't spend more time with him, but I don't feel anything. People are supposed to mourn the dead, especially when losing a parent. I know I cried when mom… but I can't muster to feel anything about him. Is it supposed to be like that?"
Mac knew Jack and his father had a better father and son relationship than he and James, but Jack Sr. didn't pack his bags on Jack's 10th birthday and left after all. Mac always wanted that connection with his father. The one he worked so hard to recreate, and was starting to think there wasn't one to begin with.
Mac tried. For his own sake and Jack's. Jack who helped him every step of the way till Mac found his dad. Jack who insisted Mac should get some answers before James decided he had enough of reunions and fled again. Not with those exact words, but Mac understood what Jack was trying to tell him.
And Mac tried. But like everything else in his life, he failed. He failed to keep his father safe, spend more time with him, learn how to do this all over again.
In the end it was his father's choice to leave. Both times. When Mac was 10 and at that Codex lab when he deemed it important for Mac to escape and James to detonate the bomb himself.
"He said his cancer was back. After all we've been through for the past three years since he showed his face, he didn't dignify me with the right to know what was happening to him. I'm starting to think that it was never about me, but him. The reason he left."
Jack hummed, still not saying anything.
"You know, Walsh… Back when we were in Mexico City, Walsh said that he didn't mention me not once while they worked together. I didn't know what to make out of it then, but I know it hurt me to know. My own father didn't think I was worth enough of a mention.
"So, tell me Jack? What do you think? Am I being unfair to not feel a damn thing about the man that made it possible for me to be born in the first place? Or am I just a bad son? Perhaps I'm turning into a psycho."
…
There was that bitter laugh again and Jack cringed. This whole demeanor and personality did not belong to his kid.
Jack put his hand on Mac's shoulder tentatively and squeezed gently.
"Look, Mac, I know your old man had a less than stellar record of being around when you needed him the most. He wasn't there for the majority of your life and didn't see the amazing person you've become without him around. He might have watched from the sidelines, but he never saw the whole picture. You can't do that sitting in an office somewhere through videos and phone calls. And I'm sorry he never thought it was okay to talk about you. That's on him.
"I wish you had an old man like mine. It would have been amazing. But you were dealt a shitty card, kid, and no one can go back in time and deal you another. You are who you are today not because of James. And as much as it pains me to say this, you are better off without him. I know I should not speak ill of the dead, and perhaps it's too late to say this, but I never liked him. And these past 2 years are enough of a witness."
"What do you mean?" Mac inquired.
Jack sighed. It was time to tell the kid the whole truth. He just hoped Mac didn't end up hating him for it.
"Your father ordered the Kovacs mission."
Jack waited for Mac's reaction. For the backlash, for Mac to hit him, or yell or just say something. The silence was so oppressive that you could hear a needle pin drop.
…
Mac stared at Jack with unseeing eyes. The second Jack said that his father was behind the Kovacs mission, Mac knew his doubts were justified.
Mac closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could feel Jack was tense next to him, expecting Mac's reaction. Probably expected Mac to clock him.
In different circumstances Mac might have just done that, acting just like Jack feared; but knowing that little fact changed perspective. It was a publicly known fact that James didn't like Jack. Although Jack was one of Phoenix's best operatives, there was something that James didn't like about Jack.
Mac noticed that when he tried to bond with his father. In the moments when James wanted to do something with him, he looked at Jack, suspicious of the man, perhaps even afraid that Jack wouldn't let Mac go with his father. Like James had no faith in Mac making his own decisions with whom he wanted to spend his free time. It was almost like James was daring Jack to do something so he could hold it over Jack's head. Jack was better than that, and Mac knew that.
Looks like James found something in the end.
Mac was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear Jack calling his name.
"Mac? Mac, please say something."
"What…" Mac cleared his throat. "What did my father say to you? What happened? How? Tell me everything."
Jack breathed a sigh of relief.
"That morning he called me in the office. Said he had an assignment for me. When I asked him if I should call you in, he said no. This was only for me."
"That's why it was so rushed."
"Yes. He briefed me quickly and gave me an earful of how I should have killed Kovacs the first time around when I had the chance."
"Yeah, he kinda has that effect on people. Guiltying them into doing stuff for him."
"You sound like you speak from experience."
Mac snorted. "Something like that."
"Sorry kid."
"It's okay. So, what did he tell you? Why wasn't I called?"
"I asked him the same. Because if anyone, it should have been you by my side, as much as I didn't like the thought of that."
"What do you mean?"
"Tiberius Kovacs was an expert bomb maker. And he was scarily good. It took us literal ages to hunt him down back in the day. And I couldn't let James send you alone without me by your side."
"You were afraid that if you said no, that my father would send me, alone."
"Yes. And I didn't want you to have to do that at the expense of me going against James' orders. It was my fault he was still loose. I was supposed to take him down."
Mac couldn't believe the mess his father made out of the Kovacs operation. There was no way Mac was going to forgive him for blackmailing Jack. He forgave him for everything else, which didn't necessarily mean he forgot about it, but this was one hard no for Mac to just cross over and be done with it.
"I'm sorry he made you do this. And it's not your fault you missed the first time. It could have been so many things that led to that to happen. What do you always say to me? To not let it get to me when we can't get the job done and fail occasionally."
"Hazards of the job."
"Exactly."
"See, I knew some of my wisdom would rub off on you." Jack grinned.
"Don't push it, Jack." Mac chuckled and quickly sobered up as he remembered what Jack said.
"Wait, you said Kovacs was an expert bomb maker, right? Is that how you got hurt?"
"Yes. That's how I got injured. He built a bomb that no one could predict even existed. At that moment I wished for you to be there. You would have known. And I was grateful you weren't there, because there was a good chance you could have gotten killed. I wasn't above preventing Cairo from happening again."
"We don't talk about Cairo." Mac gently bumped his shoulder to Jack's.
"My point is, this mission got this close to be the next Cairo. Some of the agents from the taskforce James assigned me to, they didn't make it out.
"I wasn't as close to the blast as some of the others. The force of the explosion knocked me in one of the SUVs parked by the curb and that probably also protected me from landing on hard ground and ending with broken instead of bruised ribs. That's what I meant by counting my blessings."
"I'm glad you are alive. I don't want to think what would have happened if…"
"Me either. And now you don't have to know. Because I'm here. I got out of it. If it makes you feel better, it was you."
"Me what?"
"You were my lucky charm. I could only think of you in those moments. Thanking the Big Man for being so far away and safe, at least from Kovacs."
"Oh, Jack."
…
Jack had a handful of Mac that was as careful as he could with Jack being hurt. The hug caught him unaware, but Jack welcomed it. He held on to as tight as he could without jostling his ribs.
"Shhh, Mac, it's okay. We are okay."
"It's just so unfair."
"I know. I'm truly sorry. It pains me even more because… I couldn't tell you, because it was for your own protection. And I knew if I told you, James would act upon it. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let him take it out on you if I screwed up. Besides, I felt guilty."
"For what?"
"I was the one that put the plan to find your father in motion. If I hadn't done it, then we could…"
"We could what, Jack? It's true. You gave me the fuel, but all I did, I did it on my own and probably would have done it even without your insistence. I'm not letting you feel guilty over that. He could have chosen to come back after everything was settled, yet he stayed in the shadows. And before you say it, it was his choice. It's not your fault. If anything, it's mine for not pulling the plug when I could."
Jack sighed. "Let's call it even and not feel guilty over it, okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
"Also I have to apologize for one more thing."
"What for?"
"For not going for the hug. When I was saying goodbye. Both in the War Room and at the garage. I should have. But I couldn't. If I did that…"
"You would tell me everything and because you weren't supposed to and you already felt guilty, you wanted to leave the things with my father the way they were, not adding more animosity than there was. I get it."
"I just felt like I was responsible for it. I wanted to leave things with James as neutral as possible. It wasn't my intention to do this to you, Mac. I was only trying to protect you. You have to know that. None of it was intentional."
"I know. And you are not. Responsible, I mean. He made his choices. You did, too. But your reasons for why you did it and his are what make the difference."
"Will you ever forgive me? For leaving and breaking my promise."
"I forgave you a long time ago Jack. I only waited for you to come home so I could tell it to your face. I had my doubts, I admit, but in the end I knew you would return."
"I think I need one more beer." Jack announced to no one in particular.
…
They sat in comfortable silence as Jack finished his second beer, contemplating over their conversation and their thoughts. A lot happened in the past 24 hours, a lot has been said and done, but Jack had faith things were going to be okay. It was good to sit with Mac again, and it didn't feel like two years passed since they last had a talk like this one. It felt easy to fall into the pattern, Jack could sob with relief.
The only sounds that could be heard was their breathing as the night wore off.
"What are you going to do now?" Mac asked quietly.
"Hmm?"
"What's your plan?"
"Plan? What plan?" Jack expertly threw Mac's words that Mac himself said to him after the explosion in the Phoenix lab.
Mac chuckled. "C'mon Jack, I'm serious. What do you want to do now?"
"I want to come work for the Phoenix again. If you'll have me."
Jack waited for Mac's answer, for the tiniest bit of Mac not wanting him back on the field, but there was nothing of sorts on Mac's face.
"There's no one I trust more than you, Jack." Mac's voice wavered at the end and Jack admitted his eyes were filling with tears. Mac, even after all that Jack told him, still trusted him.
"But, there's… um, you have to talk to Matty about the arrangements. Not sure how things are handled now. I haven't exactly been paying attention."
"I will. I think I want a break first, though."
"A break?"
"Yes. I need a breather. A fresh start. To get back on my feet. I realized that after spending the better part of two years chasing ghosts from my past, it's time for me to reevaluate everything I worked for and where my loyalties are."
"And where are they?"
Mac looked expectantly at Jack and Jack knew what that look meant. Mac was asking, indirectly, if those loyalties lay within the Phoenix and their family.
"With you. Our family. The Phoenix. I shouldn't have accepted what James ordered me to do, but I wasn't in a position to negotiate and I didn't know if I could rely on someone else to override his order."
"I know how it is when you try to clash with Oversight, believe me. He never takes no for an answer. Never takes insubordination lightly. Well… took. Past tense." Mac sighed.
"No one is more important than you, Riles, Boze and our little family, hoss. I want you to remember that. No matter what happens."
Mac nodded, looking pensively at the dark TV screen.
"Did you tell anyone else besides Matty that you are back?"
"No. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure if I should go to your place first, but I didn't want to startle you and then Matty told me about the situation and afterward, she just told me that you stormed off and that you said you'd be back to work tomorrow."
"Ah. That. Yeah, I didn't find it necessary to take days off when we are in the middle of war with Codex. And James took enough days off for both of us since he left me. Why should I-"
"Now, let me stop you right there. No matter what James said or did, and what happened tonight, you owe it to yourself to take a break, bud. When's the last time you slept properly?"
Mac was calculating, Jack could see. And whatever result he got, he knew Jack wouldn't buy it if he lied.
"To be honest, I haven't been sleeping well for a while now."
"You need to rest, Mac. Or one day you'll run out of your luck and you are going to have a burnout. I don't want to watch you destroying yourself little by little by not taking care of what's important."
"I can't just… I can't rest until I take Codex down."
"Dude, you have us all on your side. But you need to stop and think things through. You know as well as I do that your brain can be a dangerous place when you practically run on adrenaline. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't want to see that happen. Don't do this to me man. Don't do that to yourself. Hit the brakes."
Jack knew that the only one that could make Mac do something was Mac himself. He just hoped Mac would understand Jack's concerns and realize what was important.
"You know what? You are right. I should take a few days off. Take a breather. Reevaluate, as you said."
Jack smiled.
"That's my boy. Take all the time that you need. And even if something happens with Codex, I'll back you up on whatever you decide. Deal?"
"Deal. We'll also have to go through my dad's documents, see what he was working on, if he left any clues…"
"We'll do that. Together. I'm not leaving you again. You are not alone."
Mac rubbed at his eyes, clearly tired and suspiciously misty-eyed, but Jack didn't comment on it.
"Would you mind if I stayed here tonight?"
That wounded puppy look on Mac's face broke Jack's heart. It was one of the things Jack wanted to prevent when he left, but it looked like he failed.
"Of course. I'm not letting you drive in the state you are in."
"I'll take the spare room."
Jack nodded his ascent and watched as Mac rounded the corner of Jack's apartment that led to the spare room. He turned around and for a moment he hesitated before he spoke.
"Hey, Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you are back. I'm happy you are home. I want you to know that."
With that Mac disappeared down the hall and left Jack sit on the couch in the empty living room, finally letting the tears fall freely. There was no one to see him and no one to witness his regrets and the bitter taste of returning home to find everything was upside down.
Of course Jack knew that home was more than the place you were born and raised at or the place where you lived. Home wasn't the place, it was a person. And where that person was at any given moment. Jack's primary home would forever stay the good ol' Lone Star State. But his home now was Mac, Riley, and their little team turned family and there was nowhere else Jack wanted to be.
With that thought in mind, Jack wiped his tears and moved to his room. He changed into more comfortable clothes and went to bed himself. There were so many things he and Mac had to discuss, but that could wait.
And if Jack heard Mac open the door to his bedroom two hours later to seek the comfort of his partner, Jack didn't say anything except opening his arms, offering all the comfort Mac needed.
Jack would give everything to see Mac safe and happy. They would take this one step at a time and move forward. One day at a time.
Now with Mac sleeping peacefully in his embrace, Jack knew they were going to be okay, eventually.
Jack was finally at home.
A/N: Thoughts?