Once, I asked father about mother. People often told me that I resembled her a lot. But I knew nothing about her. Thus, I braced myself and asked about her. Something trivial like what was her favorite color, her favorite flower, her favorite food. Father had this sad expression and I thought he was going to cry, but he continued.

I was naïve and foolish back then. I crossed the line. I asked the only thing that continued to swirl in my mind as I dreaded the answer. I thought he wasn't going to answer it.

"How did she die?"

But he did. He answered it because he thought I had the right to know.

I learned, then, that sometimes, there were things I better off not knowing. Because it will hurt less without knowing. Because it would be better if I wasn't aware of it.

A Tale from Thelua

[11] truth

That night, Natsu had yet to come to their room. It was already half-past ten and if he didn't come, tonight would mark the seventh night. Lucy was sitting on the bed, already dressed in her white sleeping dress, and was ready to sleep. There was a little part of her that wanted to let it lie, but a bigger part of her was ready to march into his study and drag him back to their room.

The only thing that held her back from doing it was the lingering thought of a woman with particular blue eyes and silver hair. She had never encountered an upset Natsu before, and even if he was anything like his sister Wendy, she doubted she would be able to cheer him up. She even doubted herself for wanting to sleep with him in the same room. She didn't know what kind of expression she would make once she saw him.

When the door suddenly opened, Lucy jumped out of the bed in surprise. It was him, dressed in a white button-up shirt and black trousers. He stared at her. His wide onyx eyes reminded her of the way it widened when she mentioned the name of his childhood friend. If he was surprised, then she was feeling more surprised than he did. She turned around and faced the window as the sound of the door being closed echo in the room. There was a rustling sound of the blanket and she almost jumped again when he spoke.

"What are you doing over there?"

Lucy wasn't sure if she wanted to face him. She wasn't sure if she could bring her expression to the usual neutral one. She chose to stare at the reflection of her face in the window. "I didn't know that you'll be sleeping here tonight," she replied. She shifted her gaze to the reflection of the man who lied on the bed. "I'm not sure if I will be able to sleep."

"If you need a lullaby, I can't say I'm the right person that you're searching," the reflection showed how he shifted from lying on his back to facing her with head propped on his arm. "I've granted your wish. I thought I deserve some rewards?"

She saw his small smile. It was pretty contrast to the expression he had back in the afternoon. If her mind wasn't occupied with the thought of Lisanna, she would play along with his joke easily. But now, she couldn't even bring herself to smile. How can he be so carefree?

"I will sleep if you tell me a story," she said, still not turning to face him. "It's not difficult to tell a story or two, right?"

His smile was faltering. "What story?"

"Why did it not work out?" Her reply came in a soft whisper after a pause, and she was afraid he wouldn't be able to hear it. "Between you and Lisanna?"

Ah, it rains.

The water slid freely on the window as it became a downpour. Lucy cracked open the window, enough just for her hand to be able to slip past it. The scent of the wet soil entered the room and she reached her hand outside. The water was cool against her hand, making her momentarily forget about the presence of the man in the room.

She wasn't sure if Natsu would answer her. And even if he did, she wasn't sure if she wanted to hear it. She had braced herself to have her request rejected. Thus, when she heard his voice, her hand formed a fist.

"I've known her since we were five," he started. "She's the daughter of the nanny who took care of me. Her siblings were all older than her and weren't in the capital. My nanny often took Lisanna with her when she attended me, and we often played together. Gray had never been fond of her because he thought she stole me from him."

Lucy's outstretched hand continued to play with the rainwater. The trickling sound it made was distracting her of any unwanted thoughts but kept her focused on his story. She wondered what kind of expression he had right now. She wondered what kind of expression she had right now.

"We grew up together. By the time we were eighteen, I proposed to her," he continued, and Lucy felt the time ticked slower as she waited for his next word, "and I was rejected."

The story ended. Even without him telling, she knew he already finished telling her the story. Lucy stared past the reflection on the window to the darkness of the night. Natsu was being honest. If she could say anything to his story, she would say it was almost the same as Estelle and Jules. It wasn't that great of a story than what she had expected.

A man of nobility and a woman of lower birth. What a cliché, common story.

Lucy thought silently as she watched the rain splashed against her hand, that Natsu was a pitiful man. To be separated from the woman he loved by the meanest excuse possible yet unable to cut the ties between them for she had acquired the title that granted them to meet.

When a warmer, larger hand took her wet one out of the rain, Lucy almost let out a startled gasp at the sudden contact. He made no sound when he moved that she was completely surprised by his appearance behind her. He tugged her to turn and face him as he closed the window and gripped her wet hand. She realized, then, that she wasn't smiling nor frowning. There was a neutral expression, impassive and collected in her face as if she wasn't affected by his story, as if his story was taken away by the wind, and out to the downpour. If only that's true.

"Why would she reject you?" she found herself asking.

His gaze met hers, and as he enveloped her cold hand in his, he replied. "The Duke of Livre proposed to her first. I was too late."

Too late. The two words rang in her ears and she wondered what he was thinking, what he was feeling right now. Was it regret? Sadness? Pain? How would it be if she didn't reject him? The question in her mind was endless, but she tried to be in his shoes. Lucy was foreign to the feeling of rejection, but there was an uncomfortable feeling creeping up slowly in her chest as she imagined how it was for Natsu.

It hurt. Rejection hurt. She realized, then, as her eyes flew to meet his; Natsu must have had been brave.

Natsu had been brave, Lisanna was unfortunate, and Lucy was just lucky.

It was a chance that flew away, grasped by the lucky ones, and neither Natsu nor Lisanna is lucky.

Why does it have to be me who grasp that chance?

Her breath hitched. The coldness of her hand crept onto her arm. She asked, then, "What if he didn't propose to her?"

"Unlike a romance novel, I couldn't run from my responsibility as the prince." He referred to 'Estelle and Jules' and even if it wasn't like that in the novel, she understood what he implied by it. But she didn't like it. There was something in his quick answer, something that told her it wasn't as easy as it sounded. It was as if his decision didn't weigh him.

"But it doesn't matter anymore," he murmured silently.

Lucy watched as her hand engulfed by his. She had never known any man in her life. Her physical contact with the opposite gender was limited. Her father was the only one who ever hugged her and the kiss that she received was the one on her hand. She never tried to flatter men. She had no experience in interacting romantically with men. She knew nothing. Thus, she couldn't read Natsu.

Does it really not matter anymore? Is it easy to forget someone who used to be your first love?

If that didn't matter anymore, then he shouldn't be upset back then, she thought. If that didn't matter anymore, then he should be able to face her evenly. If he could act all impassive around her, then why he lost his cool around Lisanna?

Would it be better if they are the lucky ones instead of me?

"When we exchanged vows on that day, I've made another vow."

She blinked in confusion when she heard him saying that. He was referring to their marriage day. She knew as much as that, but she was completely at a loss on what he was trying to say. Did she miss something?

"I've sworn to myself," he continued, "that I will only love my wife."

A swear to oneself. She stared at him. The pool of onyx her gaze held showed nothing. His eyes were only as black as they were back when she first saw him. Nothing. Of all the time, why she couldn't read him when she needed to understand him?

She couldn't understand. Lisanna's rejection, the pain it inflicted, the other vow. If he could not forget her, if he was still hurting because of it, then why would he love–

Oh.

A replacement.

It made sense. Suddenly, everything made sense to her. Men hardly forget their first love, after all. Natsu couldn't forget her even if he wanted to. There might be still a lingering feeling toward Lisanna, somewhere in his world. But he couldn't have her, so he chose Lucy instead. As his wife, as the replacement of Lisanna. It was as simple as that.

It was just a possibility, but it made sense. A small part of her wished that she was simply overthinking. A small part of her wished that she was just too confused and that she was making an unreasonable conclusion.

The truth. Lucy needed to hear the truth from him. The question was right on the edge of her tongue, waiting to be released, but there was a big lump on her throat. It frustrated her because she couldn't think of any other possibilities. She didn't like it because it felt like it was the truth. She didn't like it because unbidden tears started to fall from her eyes, and it made her look weak in front of him. But–

It hurts.