A Million Miles Apart
A/N: New chapter time! I wanna take a moment to thank ThisVioletofMine, who's been beta-reading my chapters since I started Brotherly Bonds, and I haven't given her enough credit! She's awesome and have given me a lot of good ideas for different chapters, even for the future, so let me say, girl you are awesome!
I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! (Warning for a few strong words from Raph)
Chapter 15, I never meant to hurt him
Sweat poured down my neck and I sat down on the ledge of a rooftop so I could catch my breath. I had been out all night, running around the city, looking for crooks, Kraang-bots or foot-bots so that I could blow off some steam. So far I had only found the Purple Dragons, who tried- rather unsuccessfully- to rob a bank. But beating them up didn't help me get rid of all that rage inside of me. Usually it helped to beat up bad guys when I was angry, but this time it didn't help one bit.
The last week had been a chore to get through. No, not a chore. So much worse than that. Leo hardly spoke a word and did nothing but mope and dope, Mikey cried a lot and Splinter sat in his room all day, trying to deal with the pain and grief losing another child. I felt so bad for him.
I couldn't care less about Karai or the fact that she's really Splinter's daughter; in fact, I'm against the idea that she'll ever join us, and the only good thing that's come out of us losing Donnie is that Leo has stopped complaining about us having to get Karai on our side. But Splinter has already lost one child, his first and only daughter, and now he's lost one of us. He's already said before that we're all he has left, so it must be so hard for him to deal with all of this.
And as for me? Well, I can't say that I'm coping very well. I'd never admit it to Leo or Mikey- heck, even Splinter, but Donnie's presumed death has affected me a lot more than I wanted my brothers to realize. Ever since Spike had gotten mutated, my temper had gotten so much worse. I lashed out more often, I picked fights and was a lot easier to anger than I usually was. And there was also that one time that I went too far during a sparing match with Leo. But anyway, Leo had more or less ignored me or let me blow off my steam, unless I went too far. But still, more often than not, he just fuelled my anger than anything else. The same could be said about Mikey, since he knew just how to push my buttons and more than willingly liked to push them. He would prank me, tease me and do things he knew he angered me, just to make me react. Or, more accurately, anger me.
But whereas Leo and Mikey pushed back and defended themselves when I snapped at them, Donnie just sat there and took it. And now that he wasn't there for me to leave all my anger on somebody so he could shoulder it, I had started to think a lot more. Especially over how I had treated him. Donnie had always been there to more or less catch me when I fell, to comfort whenever I threw a fit when we were kids, and to stick with us until we grew up. And he has always been there to help me when he thought I needed it, comfort me and try to be a good brother to me, even though I always snapped at him and told him to buzz off. Yet he never complained to Splinter about it. He always sucked it up and let me bully him all the time, so now that he was gone and I had time to think about him, I realized that I had been really hard on him lately. Like, really hard on him.
I looked up at the stars and saw a shooting star fly across the night sky and disappear behind a tall building across the street. I bit my lower lip, looked around to see if anybody was there and looked up at the night sky again, taking a deep breath and letting it out in a heavy sigh as I let my head fall forward, now gazing drearily down at my feet and the pavement below me.
"Ugh, I can't believe I'm doing this..." I muttered to myself. I tipped my head up towards the starry sky again, closed my eyes and whispered to myself. "I wish that Donnie is alive out there, and that wherever he is right now, he's alright, safe and unharmed. And I wish that he'll somehow find his way back home to us again." I opened my eyes again, lazily examining the stars and the full moon, then sighed heavily and let my head drop forward as a feeling of hopelessness washed over me.
"Well, this is something I never thought I'd ever see." I jumped at the sudden voice, turned around, got to my feet and placed my hands on my sais, ready to fight whoever it was. Thankfully I relaxed when I saw who it was, leaning against the shack on the other end of the rooftop.
"Raphael, the toughest turtle around… wishing upon a star? Well, now I know things are really bad." I lowered my weapons and put them back in my belt.
"Casey? What are you doing here?" Casey pushed up his mask, revealing his face, and walked up to me. He had his usual cocky smirk on his face, but I could also see that he was being a tad more sympathetic than usual.
"The same as you, I guess. Looking for bad guys to pummel and letting out steam. I saw you take on the Purple Dragons before I could, so I decided to follow you to see if you were okay." I bit my lip, nodded my head to say 'okay, cool', and then looked down at the ground, not sure what I was supposed to say. Casey rubbed his arm absentmindedly, looking from the gravel to the moon and then back to me again.
"So... How are you doing? I mean, I know April and I both agreed to give you guys space, but I had to know how you were doing. Just to make sure that you were okay, man." I sighed. How was I supposed to answer? 'Oh yeah, I'm fine! I mean, my little brother was sucked through a Kraang portal and is presumed to be dead, but hey, it's cool!' I sighed again, turning away from Casey and walking up to the ledge.
"I dunno. I mean, the others are super quiet and have done nothing else but mope around. Master Splinter is heartbroken and so grief-stricken that he won't train us anymore. I guess I'm just trying to fight crime and do something while the others work through their grief. But I don't-" A sudden crash came from below us and we ran up to the other side of the roof to see a bunch of thugs trying to break into a jewelry store.
One of the thugs, a scrawny, weak-looking and rather skittish guy, was kneeling in front of the locked and wired door and was probably trying to unlock it, which I could see had a rather advanced BH6 alarm system, a system that Donnie had told us was a very common lock these days and was known to be very hard to crack. But Donnie had easily found a way to do so anyway. This guy clearly had trouble deactivating it, though, and another one of the thugs, a more muscular and angry-eyed man who I guess was their leader, walked up to him and smacked him over the head, making the other guy cry out in pain and surprise.
"Are you done yet? We don't have all night, you know!" The other guy looked up at the leader with scared eyes and jittery fingers.
"This alarm is really advanced, and I don't know i-if I can crack it! It's known to be very hard to crack… maybe we should just leave and come back some other day, when we have a better plan?" The other guys growled, slapping the poor guy over the face, making him fall to the ground, and then kicking him in the back. The guy cried out in pain.
"You idiot! You had one job- one fucking job! And you couldn't even do that?! Wow, you're really useless, aren't you! We could've gone here without you and nothing would've been different!" The poor guy slowly tried to get up from the ground, but the leader-guy placed his foot on his ribcage and pushed him back down again, rather roughly, and I was sure I could hear his ribs break.
"You're supposed to be so smart, yet you can't even pick a lock or deactivate an alarm? If you can't do that, why do we keep you around, huh?" He grabbed something from his belt and when he aimed it at the guy's chest, I could see it was a gun. "In fact, I think that I'll do the world a favour and put you out of your misery." The guy on the ground whimpered in fear and pain and tried to squirm away from the man's rough hold on him.
"N-no, please! I have a wife, a little girl, and one on the way! Please, let me go, I'll do anything! Please, I just wanna see my family!" But the leader just laughed at him, and only now did I see that the guy on the ground was wearing the uniform of a locksmith. Judging by his age and the fact that he didn't know how to deactivate the alarm, he was probably rather new to this job, since he looked like he couldn't be more than 27. He was probably held hostage by those thugs. And now they were threatening to kill him, even though he was begging for his life.
But what I think might have delivered the crushing blow to my gut was the young man's eyes. They were a bright, intelligent brown, so full of life and kindness. They reminded me too much of Donnie's. And they were now full of terror and tears.
I felt my blood boil in my veins. My hands reached for the weapons attached to my belt and anger was beginning to cloud my thoughts and better judgment. That jerk was beating up a guy who was helping him without complaining or trying to stop them, yet he was still being threatened with death after all of the fear he had gone through. I couldn't stop myself. I jumped off the building with my sai at the ready and attacked the leader of the group.
"Raph, wait!" Casey called after me, but I didn't acknowledge him. I only had eyes for this piece of trash. The man was so shocked to see my mutant body, and I attacked him so swiftly, that he didn't fight back. He let me punch him in the face so hard that he fell to the ground, and before he could get up, I sat down on his chest and punched him over and over.
"You fucking asshole! You can't talk to him like that! You can't hurt him like that! He's innocent!" The man under me tried to fight back by grabbing my wrists and trying to push them away from his face and body, but he was clearly weaker than me and the underdog right now. In the back of my head I registered that Casey had taken care of the other three thugs, but I didn't care. I only cared about the man under me and the punishment he deserved. He was bleeding heavily, a lot of his teeth were knocked out, his bones were broken and I think that he had a black eye, too. He was full out sobbing by now, but I was too enraged to consider the fact that he was remorseful in any way.
"Don't hurt me! P-please, whatever you are, let me go! I didn't mean to hurt him. I'll let him go alive, I swear, just don't hurt me!" He tried to squirm out of my grip, but I grabbed him tighter and squeezed him with my legs to keep him from moving before knocking him out cold with another punch.
"LIES! You're never gonna stop! You'll keep pushing him around, treating him like he's not important, but you wouldn't be anywhere without him! And one day he'll be gone and you will have nowhere to turn for the help you need! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THEN?!" Once he was out cold, I raised my sai at his face. I was just about to stab him right in the chest to kill him when I felt somebody grab me by the shoulders and pull me away from the unconscious man on the ground. The person shook me roughly and yelled right into my ear.
"Raph! RAPH! Stop it, he's out cold, he can't do anything right now! Let him go!" For a few seconds, which felt like minutes, my head started to clear. And only now did I realize that I was crying. Thick tears were falling down my cheeks and heavy sobs were tearing at my throat.
I heard the locksmith run out of the alley while screaming about aliens invading Earth, but I didn't care about him anymore. I just bit my lips together, shut my eyes and tried to suffocate my tears and sobs. Casey led me away from the man on the ground and helped me climb up on the roof again.
I sat down with my shell against the wall of a shack and tried to take deep breaths to calm myself. I heard Casey talk on the phone for a few seconds, and then he came and sat down beside me.
"I just called the police. They'll be here to take care of those thugs any minute now." I nodded awkwardly, pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees. He carefully placed his arm around my shoulders, ready for me to slap his arm away; but just this one time, I let myself be comforted by Casey and leaned into his touch- just a little.
"Dude, what happened back there? I've never seen you lose your temper like that before. I mean, you were ready to kill that guy." I held my knees tighter, feeling more tears threatening to fall down my cheeks as I desperately tried to fight them back. Now, when I had gotten the chance to calm down, I felt guilt and a bit of fear wash over me. I had almost killed a guy. How could I? Sure, he was a thug and was about to rob a store, but still. I had gone way too far, had done things I thought I'd never do.
"I- I didn't mean to hurt him... I just, I dunno..." I sniffed a little, rubbed my arm over my eyes and took a breath. "I guess I just... I saw myself in that guy. And I didn't like what I saw." Casey held me a little tighter and moved in a little closer.
"What? What do you mean, you saw yourself in that guy? You're not a thug or a thief, and you wouldn't threaten to kill anyone. So why?" I took another shaky breath and buried my face in my arms.
"No... I saw myself in him, because I recognized how he treated that other guy as the way I've treated Donnie for so many years. Ever since we were kids, I've treated him as if he was useless and a worthless ninja, even though he's the reason we have electricity, heating and so much more. I've been pushing him around, bullying him and belittling him for so many years." I sobbed and a gob of tears fell from my eyes and down my cheeks.
"A-and now he's g-gone and everybody t-think's he's dead. A-and the last thing I said directly to his face was that he had done nothing but mess up and almost kill us! …And I never got a chance to even apologize. I'm a terrible brother... I hate myself." I couldn't hold it back anymore. I broke down sobbing and I didn't even care that Casey could see me crying. I couldn't stop myself. I felt Casey wrap both his arms around my shoulders and let me cry into his shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around his chest, hugging him closer to me.
"It's okay, dude... Just let it all out, it'll feel better once you're done. I'm here for you, bro." I don't know how long we sat there, but it must've been for quite some time, because once I had run out of tears, my muscles were stiff and my legs had fallen asleep. I rubbed my hand over my eyes and nose, leaned back against the wall and tried to calm down by taking deep breaths. I turned back to Casey after a while.
"Thanks, man." Casey smiled and punched me lightly on the shoulder.
"It's cool, man, we're friends; you can talk to me. Even if I'm not always the easiest person to talk to about these things." I nodded slowly, leaned my head against the wall and looked up at the moon and the stars. What if Donnie was out there, somewhere? Did he miss us? Did he... did he miss me? I sighed. No, he probably didn't. He was probably happy to finally be free from us. Nobody to order him around, bully him or annoy him while he tried to work. He was free to do whatever he wanted to do… that is, if he was still alive...
I shook my head roughly. No. I couldn't think like that. Donnie was alive out there. I just knew it. And he was gonna try and come home again, and if not for all of us, he would do it for Mikey, April and Sensei. And until he did, I was gonna take care of this city, keep bad guys from taking over the world and make sure everything was going to be fine here. I would keep this place clean and welcoming for when he finally made it back to us… For when he finally came home.
"What're you thinking about?" I looked over at Casey, who had placed his hand on my shoulder. I sighed and looked up at the moon again. It stared back at me, almost mockingly.
"I'm thinking about where Donnie could be right now. And how I'm going to try to do everything I can to fight crime and keep this city safe, while the others work through their grief. On their own, if they need it. I'm going to fight the Kraang, the foot-bots and everything the world throws at this city until Donnie comes home again." I heard Casey sigh and squeeze my shoulder a little tighter.
"Raph..." I shook his hand off my shoulder and glared at him. So many people had tried to convince me that Donnie was most likely dead and couldn't have survived falling through that portal, and every time that they had tried, I had refused to listen to them.
"No! I know what you're gonna say, so spare me your realism! Donnie's alive somewhere, I just know it! He's tougher than that, he's my brother, and he's a fighter! Not a little wimp! And let me tell you something: he's not just brains- he's a fighter, and a damn good one, too! He'll come home again! I know he will, somehow!" I let out a shaky breath, looked away from Casey and up at the stars, winking secretively at me. "…Somehow." Casey placed his hand on my shoulder again and gently shook it.
"I know that's what you think, Raph, but all I want to say is that you shouldn't get your hopes up too quickly. Let's say that he is alive out there somewhere: it's probably gonna take a while before he'll come home. You know that, right?" I sighed dejectedly and once again shrugged his hand off my shoulder.
"I know... I just- I just have to believe that he'll come home. I have to! If he really is dead or if something's happened to him, I'll never be able to forgive myself. Never, ever, ever." I almost broke down sobbing again, but this time I had more control over myself and I didn't do anything more than choke up. Although a few small tears did eventually fall from my eyes. Casey nodded, patted me on the shoulder and then checked the time.
"It's getting late. You want to sit here a while longer, or do you want to do something else? Maybe there are some more bad guys out there or something?" I thought about it. After breaking down crying before, I suddenly felt really tired and I wanted nothing more right now than to go to bed. I shook my head and stood, stretching my muscles a little to wake them up.
"No. I just wanna go home and sleep. I feel ready to fall asleep on this roof." Casey nodded and stood up himself.
"Yeah, I guess I have to go home soon, too. Want me to follow you home, or are you gonna be okay?" I took a deep breath and shook my head. I bet Casey thought I wasn't emotionally stable right now and might go nuts on somebody again, which wasn't exactly unlikely.
"Nah, I'll be fine. I'll just go straight home; you go home, yourself. I'm okay." Casey didn't look entirely convinced, but he nodded anyway, climbed down the building and skated off down the street. I looked after him until he disappeared, then jumped down into the alley, where the blood from the man I almost killed was still fresh. I shuddered and noticed now that I had blood on my hands and my weapons. I would have to clean them when I got home. Or maybe tomorrow. I really didn't have the energy to do anything right now.
After a few minutes of walking through the sewer tunnels, I entered the lair and saw that Leo was still up. Considering the time, I assumed that both Mikey and Splinter had probably gone to bed by now. When Leo saw me enter the room, he got up from the couch, but then saw my bloody hands and sai and looked at me with serious and slightly scared eyes. But before he could say anything, I raised my hand in a 'stop' way.
"If you truly love me, bro, don't ask. Just… don't." Leo closed his mouth, looked at me for a second and then placed his hand on my shoulder.
"Well, can you at least tell me if you're okay, bro? You look like you're ready to fall to the floor." I shrugged and rubbed the back of my hand over my eyes.
"I'm fine, just tired. Really tired." Leo nodded, took the sai out of my belt and smiled at me.
"You go to bed, Raph. I'll clean these for you." I smiled back at Leo, said a quick 'goodnight' and then walked over to my room. I threw my mask and my gear on the floor and collapsed onto the bed. I pulled the blanket over my head and buried my face into the pillow. But before I fell asleep, my thoughts flew to Donnie again and I felt my eyes water a bit.
"I'm sorry, Donnie. I am so, so very sorry." I mumbled to myself before I fell asleep. The few tears that had formed in my eyes ran, unhindered, down my cheeks.
A/N: Okay, so I am not good at writing fight scenes. And I also hope I didn't write Casey too OOC, but other than that, I'm rather pleased with this chapter. I love Raph, and I think this is how he would react if a family member or close friend was ripped away from him and was presumed to be dead. I should also give credit to Violet, who gave me the idea of Raph seeing himself in a thug and losing control of himself.
OBS: I totally made up the BH6 alarm-thingy! I don't know anything about alarm systems! Just so you know.
I hope you liked the chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!