I didn't mean to lie. I could never tell you another lie. When I spoke of it, I intended on making it a promise. I intended to fulfill it.

Yet Makarov knew it. He always knew. And he was the reason why I couldn't fulfill my promise; to go to you and tell you the truth.

In the end, I never did once decide anything by myself.

A Tale from Thelua

[21] faltering

Lucy could hardly recall anything at the party. All she remembered was dancing with Natsu and did some talk with Zeref. And cry. She cried. Again. For the second time that day.

It was embarrassing and pathetic when she thought about it. Then again, she also thought that she deserved a good cry for whatever that made her chest swell with feelings and confusion. It was a lie when she told herself 'fine'. But she kept on repeating it. Like a mantra.

It's okay, it's okay.

She sat in front of the mirror. Her reflection stared back at her. A woman with long blonde hair, rosy lips, and a tired face was staring back at her. Her mouth was shut, lips formed a thin line. She should be getting help from her three maids to remove the rest of the makeup. But she had dismissed them right after she bathed and helped her change into her white sleeping gown.

It felt like a stranger; her reflection. Hollow. The eyes that stared back at her felt empty. It was as if she was staring back at her own shell. Her soul was gone somewhere. Or maybe she was just feeling too tired. She was tired, she decided. Yet her mind refused to stop. A deep and calm baritone voice echoed inside her head. The image if a pair of dark onyx eyes stared at her almost piercingly.

"I was just trying to impress the woman I love."

Melancholy words never suited with what he showed on the outside – cold, detached – but it strangely made her chest swell. Maybe it was because she was the only one of the few who really knew how and who he was. Maybe it was because of the remnants of the feelings she had for him. A feeling that she had long forgotten along with his existence. A feeling that she had shoved deep into one of the corners somewhere inside her and shut it tight. A forgotten feeling that managed to make her move forward.

Move. And forward.

Of all the time, why does it have to be now that I remember it?

She felt like she was back at that time. Back to the time where she felt like half of her was stuck in the past that wanted to dwell on the pleasant feeling when she was with him.

I loved him. I loved him.

She loved him. She always loved him. Could it be… it was what drove me to come here? To Thelua?

But it shouldn't matter anymore. It shouldn't. Just like how she told him; she only thought about the best outcome for the people in Thelua and Feliose. Back then, when she spoke of it, it felt like the truth. And that her feeling in the past didn't matter anymore.

Yet now it felt like she was lying to herself. Her chest felt tight.

It hurts.

The door was opened, revealing Natsu still in his suit. He stepped in wordlessly and made his way to the bed, lying on it and sighed tiredly. Lucy stared at him through the reflection of the mirror, watching as his onyx eyes disappeared behind the lids. Another sigh escaped his mouth and Lucy felt the tension in her started to disappear. She smiled, then.

"You should sleep, Natsu," Lucy spoke, grabbing the cloth dipped in the tin bowl filled with lukewarm water and wrung it. The damp cotton cloth that she pressed to her cheek created a pleasant feeling to her tired face and the subtle smell of lavender released any tension left in her.

The man didn't move as he replied, "I'm waiting."

Lucy raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

"For you."

She understood what he meant. He was waiting for her to finish cleaning her face. "You should change into something more comfortable for sleeping," she said. "I will be finished by then."

He didn't reply, but she knew he agreed. Through the mirror, she saw him walking behind the folding screen. There was a soft rustle sound came from behind the folding screen and then, Lucy returned to watch her reflection.

Gone was the rosy lips and rosy cheek. The woman in the mirror didn't differ much from before she wiped her cheek and lips. A beautiful woman, one might say. A miserable woman, she would say. The word brought a thin smile to her lips because it fitted just right for her situation right now.

She put back the cloth inside the tin bowl and walked to the window. She could see the dim light of the carriage of the guests that had left the castle, past the castle gate and into the dark road in between the dark grass plain. The party had ended a while ago, but she didn't get the chance to see the guest off. Natsu had urged her to return first to their room, and she complied.

The full moon stared at her coldly in the sky. Almost immediately, she was reminded again to her encounter with Zeref this evening. Something caught her, and that was the question of whether anyone saw her and Zeref slipped away from the party. If there was indeed someone who saw them, then it could become yet another nasty rumor, one that she preferred having the Prince of Pemberna's rumor arose once again rather than that. It was enough for her to have such a rumor about the first prince of Thelua being in love with his brother's wife. She didn't need another rumor about him.

"If you are wondering if anyone sees you and brother slip away from the party, then you can be at ease as everyone's attention was caught by the song sung by the bard," Natsu said as he walked toward the bed. "Don't want my wife stressing over another potential rumor, do I?"

She turned to him, smiling. "How considerate of you."

"Of course," he said, not impressed.

"And I do wonder what kind of excuse you told our guest regarding me returning first to our bed-chamber."

"Well," he lied to the bed, staring at the ceiling, "maybe you can expect congratulatory cards by tomorrow."

Her eyes widened. "You didn't–"

"I did."

"I think I'm having a headache now." Lucy sat on the side of the bed, her back facing him.

Natsu closed his eyes. "Telling them that you are under the weather was the most reasonable excuse I can make. It's them who's the mind just wanders around and reached to that conclusion."

"But you can't just let them assume things as they please!" She sighed in exasperation. "I am not pregnant, Natsu, and both of us know that we haven't even–"

"Then, should we make one now?"

Lucy turned her head abruptly to him, meeting his serious gaze as he propped a hand and rested his head on it. There was no hint of humor when he talked nor the smirk that he always wore when he teased her. Real. He was asking her for real.

"Why?" she asked.

He didn't answer.

"Is it because of the rumor?" she asked once again. "Because of Zeref?"

"Would you believe me if I say that it's because I have fallen for you?" he asked instead.

Silence met his question.

Fallen for me?

"Would you believe me if I say that I love you?" he asked again.

Lucy averted her eyes. She moved to lie on the bed in silence, turning to her side. Her lips were pressed into a thin line as she didn't know how to answer him. She closed her eyes, letting the question slide, letting her mind wander somewhere past her talk with Zeref, past the question Natsu asked.

Love was an abstract thing. Love was what every woman wanted. Love was… what she yearned for. For years.

There was a rustle, a sense of blanket draped over her, soft lips pressing against her temple, a soft whisper of a good night, and a pressure over her waist that was Natsu's arm. A familiar warmth and the slight scent of cinnamon washed over her. She was searching for the familiar rhythm of a beating heart, and when she found it, another question arose in her sleep.

Whose love?

happy new year! hope you have a good 2018 and an amazing 2019 ahead!