For years, I had been looking up to him. He was perfect. From manner to swordplay. From leading the conversation to making decisions. I had always thought that it would be him who would fill the throne. I had always thought that it would be me who served the kingdom in the knighthood.

Maybe that was why I could dream of marrying her. Lisanna.

Yet I was wrong.

A Tale from Thelua

[22] pain

He woke up to the color of gold that was his wife's hair, nose buried in the crown of her head, and a hand around her waist, keeping her close to him. He always woke up long before she did, with an excuse of going to start tackling the paperwork early in the morning. Of course, the actual reason was to gaze at her sleeping face. Serene and innocent look adorned her sleeping face, often differ from how she made herself look like during her wake.

But it wasn't what made him like her. He wasn't even sure what did. It was barely three months since they got married and lived together. He didn't always with her, and their interaction was limited to the unexpected encounter during the day, usually it was she who found him during her exploration around the castle, before they sleep, and when they really need to interact during the party.

Yet lately, he sought her out. Lately, there had been something in him that urged him to go and see her, to talk to her, to make her smile.

And to shield her from any worries and sadness.

The image of her crying appeared in his mind, the one in his hideout after she talked with his brother. Gone was the woman whose determination set; "that's why I'm going to ignore it.". In front of him, she faltered, as if something inside her was broken. In front of him, the unwavering, strong-willed woman was gone.

Part of him wanted to ask almost immediately as soon as she came to him, but once she cried, he knew he had to wait until she was calm. Asking her after the party was the best choice he had, but even he wasn't sure if it wouldn't hurt her even more. That was why he sent her to return first to their room – to calm her down. A crowded place would do nothing to her state and they could be called to attend the guest anytime.

Once he returned to their room, he failed to ask her. Maybe he was too tired last night that he forgot to ask her about it. Then again, judging from how unusual she was, it might be the best that he didn't ask. He thought he could cheer her, yet even in his attempt of doing so, it turned out to be a serious talk.

"Why?"

She asked, and even if he could ignore it, he still caught the question biting him, thick in suspicion.

Because I love you.

And he said it.

"Would you believe me if I say that it's because I have fallen for you?"

That sentence was heavy. Yet somehow it rolled out quite easily. Speaking of the truth had always been easier than lying.

Lucy, Lucy…

The woman stirred, snuggling deeper into the pillow. Few strands fell into her face, tickling her cheek and lips. Rosy cheek and rosy lips. Eyes of the melted chocolate, skin as flawless as the cloud. Golden hair that reflected the sun. A smile like a blooming flower.

"Would you believe me if I say that I love you?"

He sighed. A long, quiet sigh.

You didn't answer me.

Sometimes he wondered if what he felt was real. If anything, what he felt toward her now was different from how he used to feel toward Lisanna. Shallow, impulsive, light. Compared to that, this was heavier, and although they were married already, it felt even more complicated.

Perhaps it caused by how she carried herself around him. She hardly expressed her feelings; the one she had for him. There was no hate in her, but there was hardly love either. Even if she regarded their marriage as a good fortune, even if she had vowed to be faithful only to him, wouldn't it only become torture?

Natsu slid off the bed, carefully, quietly, and walked out of their room. His feet brought him to his study, and he eyed the piling documents on his desk with disdain. It was still early in the morning, he thought and decided that he better go and train his swordsmanship and broke a good sweat to clear his head first. It had been a while since he last wore the mesh shirt and the brown boots. He guessed that he would have to re-adjust his grip on his wooden sword as he held pen more often than a weapon lately.

There were hardly people when he reached the training field. He thought he could surprise the other with his visit and earned himself a good spar, but it seemed that they had chosen to sleep in some more. He made a reminder to give them a piece of his mind later that day, and perhaps, getting more chance to escape the piling documents for a longer time.

"My lord," someone called, just when he thought that he had the entire field for himself, "fancy seeing you here around this time."

Natsu laughed. "No need for such a sarcastic remark there, Gray."

His private knight sighed. "I have placed a new document on your desk just now, my lord, and God knows it will reach the ceiling by the end of this day."

"Now, now," Natsu threw a wooden sword at him, which he caught it with ease, "I will do those papers if you can win against me."

The knight smirked. "And grant me a day off."

"Only if you can win. Remember it, Gray."

"Of course, my lord."

And as soon as the words came out of him, the knight charged at Natsu, aiming to his open sides. Gray was one of the best knights, one of the reasons why he was chosen as his private knight as well, perhaps ranked third after the first prince and the captain of the knight. He was the son of the captain, and almost inherited the position if he wasn't chosen as his personal knight. The captain, while being at the age already, refused to retire as he preferred to teach the young ones rather than doing nothing in his retirement.

Sometimes he acted as Natsu's right hand. Sometimes he didn't treat Natsu like he was his superior, probably because he was older than the prince, but Natsu was fine with it. After all, Gray was one of the few friends he had and the only one who could beat some sense into him.

"You should do something about the mistress," Gray said suddenly as he swung the sword. "The rumor about them doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon."

"You knew," Natsu replied, blocking his attack. Gray shot him a look that said, 'everyone knows already'. "Though I'm afraid there is nothing much I can do about it," he continued.

The next blow that he was forced to block was heavier than before. There was a glare coming from Gray and Natsu leaped back to distance himself. "Nothing? Really, Natsu?"

Natsu wiped the sweat from his forehead, watching as the other man's frown deepened. The knight clicked his tongue in distress and charged at him once again.

Dust was kicked into the air and Natsu held his ground while defending himself from another heavy blow. It was a miracle that the wooden sword didn't break from their blow exchange. The sound echoed in the empty field, competing with the sound of the spectator that suddenly present.

Natsu glanced around, momentarily forgetting the spar he had with Gray as his eyes spotted a particular person among the crowd of the cheering knights. It earned himself a good hit on his arm, but before he registered the pain it caused, he had moved on pure reflect, swinging his blade aimed to Gray's side and knocked him with a swift, hard blow. It had Gray stumbled to the side, the wooden sword fell out of his grip and the tip of Natsu's wooden sword came to contact with Gray's neck.

There was a moment of silence before the crowd erupted a loud cheer and clapped. Beneath him, the knight was smirking.

"Did that one got you to awaken, eh, my lord?"

"It's my win," Natsu said instead. "The papers have to wait, it seems."

He quickly glanced at the spot where he saw him earlier. The man was gone. Natsu threw the sword to the nearest knight and quickly left the training field, guessing where he had gone to. That man wasn't the type who will train so often with the other knight, so Natsu had to guess some places that he often used for training. He wouldn't be in the private training field as his troops would be taking that place to train.

Yet he was unable to find him anywhere. The man couldn't have gone, disappeared into the thin air. But it was always been like that. He always turned in someplace he would least expect him to be when he knew that Natsu was looking for him. Like a game of hiding and seek, yet he was waiting to be discovered. Perhaps, he bitterly thought, again, he knew that he was looking for him and decided to wait for him somewhere.

Somewhere Natsu would least expect him to be. Somewhere that Natsu thought he would never come even for visiting him. From the garden, Natsu's eyes swept to the windows located in one of a room in the castle's second floor.

His study.

The man was inspecting his desk when he opened the door and giving Natsu a smile upon noticing him. "Took you long enough, little brother," he said, putting one of the papers back to the desk. "You haven't changed."

"Brother," Natsu greeted, walking to the desk as Zeref sat on the sofa near the bookshelf. "I thought you didn't have time to play as you prefer to train with the other."

You always did…

The man laughed. "I send them all home to rest. After all, it's not all about fighting and training, is it?" He said. "They also need to meet their loved ones."

Natsu sat behind the desk, finger interlaced on his lap. "You too, brother, and apparently, you've met yours."

There was a long silence that followed Natsu's statement. He studied the man which was his own brother whose smile disappeared. Suspicion and the detachment returned, completely masking his once gentle face, yet there was something, something that was different in his eyes. Somewhere, there lacked the cold compassion that always guarded him together with his impassiveness.

Natsu felt like staring at himself when he locked eyes with his – those dark onyx irises reflected him, yet it felt like he wasn't staring at him. He was staring past him, meeting the gaze of someone else. He could guess whose gaze that his brother was looking at, whose gaze that his brother was searching in his eyes. But Natsu refused to spell it because he knew who.

And then, without so much as moving, it broke. The mask slid away and once again, Zeref smiled. A genuine smile. A smile from his heart. Yet, along with closing his eyes, the voice, the sigh that came out from his mouth was accompanied by something so deep. Something that Natsu thought he would incapable of feeling.

Pain.

"I did."