Golden hair flutters in the wind. A smile blooms on her face. A melodious laugh, a small step of her dance, an untouchable woman. She is so high. Up, up, and above.

So far away from me.

A Tale from Thelua

[23] better not knowing

As a knight, Zeref was no stranger to the feeling of pain. For seven years he had dutifully fulfilled his role as a knight in the front line. He had faced situations that endangered his life more often than anyone would ever have. He had thrown himself into a life and death situation numerous times so his comrades would all return with him. He had lost count of how many times he had been faced with the option to take his own life. But he managed. And he survived.

War changed people in more than just one way. It changed one's perspective on life, and oftentimes the horrendous memory stayed for quite some time. The memory became something akin to a scar that stayed persistently; oftentimes the scar reopened and visited him in his sleep. After all, pain healed, but the scar remained.

Despite that, Zeref never thought of the change within him. He never thought that he changed that much. But he knew that Natsu thought of the opposite. That day, standing before him, Natsu was staring at his kneeling form silently without a trace of emotion present on his face. Solemn and unfaltering yet the sword in his firm grip was shaking slightly. Zeref didn't blame Natsu for anything he felt that day.

It was expected – for him to feel that way.

Head bowed and then, Zeref vowed.

"I pledge my loyalty to the Kingdom of Thelua and to the crown prince, Natsu Dragneel."

Through the hair that fell in front of his face, he could barely catch a glimpse of his younger brother stiffening. But then, with a swift movement, the sword moved to his shoulder, barely touching him and then he heard it.

The voice of a man.

"Thy pledge–"

"–not fair."

Zeref opened his eyes as he returned from the reverie, momentarily forgetting the conversation they had. The pregnant pause which had followed immediately after his last statement was broken as Natsu whispered something he failed to catch. Whatever it was, he knew better to stay quiet for the moment.

Instead, he focused his eyes on the man across him. His younger brother whose age was three years apart from him was sitting behind a heavy, wooden desk he was very familiar with. As expected, Zeref thought, Natsu didn't bother to change it. Before the arrival of his younger brother, he managed to catch a glimpse of what scattered across the smooth desk surface. Tax report, a proposal of bridge construction, annual kingdom budget; all the important documents he once had to work on.

Once.

A long time ago.

"Leaving important documents out in the open isn't a good choice, Natsu," Zeref decided to make a remark and break the silence.

His younger brother blinked. He managed to let out a weak, confused 'eh?', perhaps too taken aback with the sudden shift in their conversation. But Zeref couldn't help it.

"I never doubt the security strength inside the castle, but one can never be too careful. You should be more careful when leaving documents like those. You are lucky I was the one who entered this study."

"Usually I have Gray guarding this room," he heard Natsu mumbled, frowning. A pout formed but it was gone the moment he realized it. "And you shouldn't waltz around into this room as well."

Zeref almost wanted to shrug. "You often did that back then, little brother," he said, "and even sneakily read the document more confidential than what you have on your desk right now."

"I didn't understand any single of them so it's fine. Even you said so yourself," Natsu retorted back.

The gaze Natsu directed at him had somehow softened. Zeref could feel the tension that once present was gone already. One thing that could never change from Natsu would be his stubbornness. In their childhood, Natsu often won their argument by sheer stubbornness. Mostly, Zeref had to relent, but the boy would throw tantrum if he knew he was treated like a child. Unconsciously, Zeref let out a small sigh.

Some things never change.

The sun had risen higher, and Zeref gingerly reminded himself not to dwell longer there. He stood, walked to the door and by then, Natsu suddenly called him.

"Brother, there are things I must ask you."

He glanced, then noticing the subtle turn of emotion that slowly manifested in Natsu's eyes. Apparently, the slight incline of his head was enough to set Natsu loose.

"Why did you join the army? Why did you go to the war? Why did you never once tell me about it? Why did you leave–"

"Natsu."

The words died immediately in Natsu's lips as the echo of his name rolled out of Zeref's mouth. Eyes narrowing, Zeref could see anticipation and anxiety written all over his younger brother's face. Perhaps it was because he rarely used such commanding voice that it sounded too strong, but Zeref knew better than letting Natsu finished his barrage of question.

Zeref turned and continued walking to the door. Behind him, the chair created an irritating scraping sound as Natsu made a hasty movement to stand up, but Zeref beat Natsu into it, saying, "There are things better left unknown, little brother."

"But–!"

"Come to think of it, Natsu, are you yet to handle the military and international relations affair?" Zeref asked, once again cutting him. He turned around and nodded at Natsu. "I have reports to write, so I'll now excuse myself."

Zeref was sure that sooner or later Natsu would ask him about it. The building tension between them apparently had fuelled Natsu's courage, and Zeref couldn't deny that this was one of a good chance where Natsu might get the answer. But, not now. He intended to keep those for himself since the start. Natsu didn't need to know.

Behind him, the door closed with a silent click.

…

Numerous pairs of eyes are looking at us, staring, observing, like a hawk upon its prey. It is unnerving. It is suffocating. How come can you be so calm? Why did you kneel? Why did you bow?

"I pledge my loyalty to the Kingdom of Thelua–"

His voice, his vow; I don't want to hear it.

"–and to the crown prince–"

No.

"–Natsu Dragneel."

Why? Brother, why?

"Thy pledge–"

Has my voice always been this calm? Has my arm always been quivering upon holding a sword? Since when I was able to mask my emotions perfectly? Brother, brother…

"–is heard. I bestow thee, Zeref Dragneel–"

You never tell me…

"–the title Flower Knight."

everyone, please stay safe and healthy ^^