My Darlin' Daria!
(Daria/CollegeHumor crossover)
[Intro: Darlin' Daria in a giant pink princess style gown, her massively obese Momma Helen, and Baby Quinn nursing on a can of Monster with a plastic teat are seated on an old couch in a ramshackle living room, part of the wallpaper has rotted away revealing the water damaged wood]
Daria: My name is Daria, I'm six years old... [inhales before dramatically declaring] And i'm a beauty queen!
[scene cuts to a partly rusted out blue Chevy driving down the highway]
Daria: My Momma Helen drive me round to pageants.
[inside the Chevy are Momma Helen driving, Baby Quinn in a baby seat in the passenger seat, gnawing on a dog's chew toy, and Darlin' Daria in the back, surrounded by a mountain of full McDonald's bags]
Momma Helen: Now them theres groceries.
[Cut back to the Living Room]
Momma Helen: She's my Darlin' Daria!
[scene cut to the pink and sparkling Title Sequence: My Darlin' Daria!]
[cut back to the outside of the one-story house and opening narration, done by Momma Helen]
Momma Helen (Narration): Today Darlin' Daria's competing to be 'Little Miss New Booty' in the parking lot of a dying Waffle House just outside of Chunkyville Mississippi. It's a 52 and a third hour drive so it's like... fuck.
[Momma Helen is carrying a battered baby carrier containing Baby Quinn, while Darlin' Daria is meandering towards the car.]
Momma Helen: Ok Darlin' Daria get in the car, we've got a long-ass drive.
Darlin' Daria: No.
Momma Helen: Get in the back, otherwise we gonna be late.
Darlin' Daria: No Momma, the back seat's covered in ticks.
[Camera zooms into the inside of the car, sure enough the back seat is covered in crawling ticks]
Momma Helen: What do you mean... OH MY GAWD! [drops the baby carrier containing Baby Quinn on the ground hard]
[cut back to living room]
Momma Helen: Baby Quinn took a big ole shit in the back of the car last week when I was changin' her nappy, so I air-washed it by leaving the car doors open. And what do ya know? Fuckin' ticks.
[At her side on the couch, Darlin' Daria begins putting on some calamine lotion]
Momma Helen: But we don't gots any time to do anything about it. So Darlin' Daria just gonna get ticks.
[Cut back to the car, now in motion on the road]
[Inside the car, Momma Helen is driving, Baby Quinn is in her baby carrier, chewing on a cold pack that was clearly once tied to her head, Darlin' Daria is in the back, licking her arm.]
Darlin' Daria: My arm bloods taste like pizza!
Momma Helen: Well that was breakfast.
[Back to living room]
Momma Helen: We wound up drivin for like, ever. Cus I gots a terrible sense of direction.
[Back to the car]
[Inside the car, Momma Helen and Darlin' Daria are clearly tired. Baby Quinn is waving around a pair of nail clippers and making noises]
Momma Helen: Oh my leg is crampin up somethin fierce. Baby come-on up here and take the wheel.
Darlin' Daria: No!
Momma Helen: Sorry Darlin [Momma Helen slowly rises from the driver's seat through the open sunroof] but I gotta stick my mellons out through the suntop, stretch out me gams.
[Darlin Daria pushes herself through in-between Momma Helen's legs and takes the wheel, clearly struggling to steer with one arm]
[Momma Helen's top half is now sticking out the moving vehicle as it starts to sway and swerve on the road]
Momma Helen: Ohhhh... That's feels good. Darlin Daria, don't swerve the car baby. Don't u do it.
[Inside the car, Darlin Daria is struggling to see around Momma Helen's massively fat leg/thigh/stomach/?]
Momma Helen: Just keep goin straight, like the gays ain't.
[The car laizily goes forward, they nearly hit a car in the other lane before swaying back a bit, Darlin Daria is chanting "No swerving, no swerving." Baby Quinn begins hitting her in the face with the nail clippers]
Momma Helen: Darlin Daria just keep goin... keep goin... OH MY GAWD BABY, SWERVE, SWERVE, SWERVE!
[Darlin' Daria is too distracted by Baby Quinn to swerve in time... the car hits something, forcing it to stop]
[cut back to living room where Momma Helen and Darlin Daria sit contritely... Baby Quinn is playing with a pencil]
Momma Helen: So we hit a dog.
Darlin Daria: I made a dog dead.
[cut to the road side, Momma Helen is preforming CPR on a dead St. Bernard, Darlin Daria looks on, clearly confused]
Darlin Daria: This is a messy dead doggy.
Momma Helen (Narration): Now we couldn't just leave the dead dog there, let people see what we did. Can't afford no more payouts of shush money and stuff. So we took it with.
[Scene playing during narration is Momma Helen and Darlin' Daria draggin the dog's body into the back of the car after five minutes of sweaty struggle]
[cut to living room]
Momma Helen: That was like, a fuck-ton of cardio, and my left arm got kinda tingly, but the Red Bull took care of that.
[cut back to the car, Momma Helen drops an empty can of Red Bull into Baby Quinn's baby seat, Darlin Daria is sitting in the back, nearly hidden by the body of the dead dog]
Darlin Daria: Momma, I can't breath over it.
Momma Helen: Darlin Daria, you got a nose don't cha?
Darlin Daria: I don't wanna smell it.
Momma Helen: You gots to smell the dead dog, cus you made it dead.
Darlin Daria: I don'ts wanna smell the dead dog! I don'ts wanna!
Momma Helen: Darlin' Daria, if you don't smells the dead dog in five seconds I will run over another dog and put it on top of the original dog. Do you understand? I will murdered another dog and put it ontop of the original murdered dead dog. This is called being 'reponsible'.
[in the back Darlin Daria begins screaming in frustration]
Momma Helen: One... Two...
[In the back the screaming gets worse]
Momma Helen: yawn three...
[in the back Darlin Daria gives up the screamin fit]
Momma Helen: Are you smellin it?
Darlin Daria: ...yeah.
Momma Helen: Hows it smell?
Darlin Daria: ...bad.
Momma Helen: That's right.
[suddenly the Red Bull can get's thrown at the windshield, Momma Helen nearly runs off the road in shock while Baby Quinn giggles in delight]
[the scene cuts to the outside of a Waffle House in the middle of the night where Momma Helen is standing, the camera is focused on Momma Helen's face]
Momma Helen (Narration): Well we gots to the pageant in Chunkyville in the nickleback of time. But Darlin' Daria didn't place, so shes a little bummed, but for every dark cloud, theres a big blue sky just waitin to knock'em out.
[The camera zooms out to reveal Darlin' Daria at her side, drenched in dog blood all down her face and all over the front of her dress]
Darlin Daria: The ticks went for the dog!
Momma Helen: (chuckles) That's right.
[scene cuts to them walking towards their car]
Momma Helen: Come'on baby, let's get you airwashed. Lets get you airwashed.
Darlin' Daria: Momma, where's Baby Quinn?
Momma Helen: I left her in the car... I think.
END
[cuts to fast moving credits while Darlin Daria begins to narrate]
Darlin Daria: Next time on Darlin Daria...
[cuts to preview of next episode, Momma Helen is driving the car, Darlin Daria sitting in the back in a green dress, Baby Quinn is in the baby carrier in the passenger seat, eating a tomato]
Darlin Daria: Momma, where do babies come from?
Momma Helen: Dicks and pussies.