A Million Miles Apart

A/N: Happy birthday to me! YAY, it's my birthday! That's right, today on this Tuesday I am turning eighteen years old! O... M... Goodness, I am getting old. And yes, I will keep making Zootopia references for a while, and if you don't like it, just try to stop me!

Anyway, chapter time! So, I've wanted to write this chapter for so long and looked forward to writing it. So what happens? Writer's block, of course. Yeah... I hate it when that happens.

I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and please review, favorite and follow!

Chapter 29: Ice Cream and Late Night Talks

It was the middle of the night, everybody had gone to bed hours ago, and I still hadn't managed to fall asleep. I had spent the last two hours tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep or make myself tired, but nothing worked. Not counting sheep, not the breathing exercises Splinter had taught us when we were kids, not listening to soft music on my T-phone; nothing. My brain just would not shut off and understand that it was time to sleep. And my mind kept drifting off, far, far away from where I was. About a million light years away from where I was right now. On a small green and blue planet, far away, that had my family on it.

I guess it's safe to say that my mood hadn't improved much throughout the day, even after we had managed to dodge the Federation. I will admit, it wasn't as bad as it had been earlier today, but still. When the others had gone to eat dinner, I had chosen to stick by the command bridge and make sure that the Federation wasn't still tracking us, and that the cloak we had put up was still functional. Once I knew that they had left the dining room, I had gone in there and thought up some pizza for my own dinner. I don't exactly know why I don't want to be near the others right now. Maybe it's because I know that they know I'm so depressed -I mean, it's not that hard to see- and I also know they whisper about it behind my back.

Traximus had, at one point today, pulled me aside and asked me if something had offended me when he praised me for my solo training earlier today, and I had been quick to say that he hadn't done anything wrong and that it wasn't his fault.

"I'm just having an off day today. I'll be okay; just give me the rest of the day and I'll be okay by tomorrow." I had said that throughout the whole day when someone asked how I was. And that was usually all I needed back home when I felt a little down in the dumps. I would spend the day in the lab, letting myself be sad for a while, and then by the next day I would feel better. But here, I just ended up feeling worse. And for once, I had no idea why I was feeling depressed.

Well, okay, I did know. I was missing my family, and after my brain being fooled into believing that Splinter and my brothers were here for just a short while, I then had reality smacked in my face. So I knew why I was a bit depressed, but I still didn't understand why it wouldn't go away in the slightest. I mean, I had had small moments of missing my family prior to when we got aboard this ship, and at the end of the day, I had managed to pull through and not get distracted by my emotions. So what was different now?

When April had left us before, I had been devastated and every other day I would get scared of the possibility that she would never come back and be our friend again. But that sadness and fear usually didn't conquer my life and I would eventually start thinking of something else after letting myself be sad for a short while. That, or another mission would come up and catch my attention. And sometimes, when I saw her getting along so well with Casey, or when someone would say that I shouldn't get my hopes up, 'because it would never work', I could also get a little depressed, but, again, it all went away pretty fast. I considered myself a very optimistic person, and my sadness and depression never stopped me from doing what I had to do. So why, why, why wouldn't it go away this time?!

I groaned and sat up in my bed, tying my mask on my face again. This obviously wasn't helping me sleep, so I might as well trying something else. And I felt a little hungry, too. Maybe a midnight snack would help me get tired or at least help me relax. I slowly opened the door to my room, looking out into corridor to see if somebody had left their door open or if anyone was up and about, and then started to sneak past the closed doors and out the into the dining room. To my relief, it was empty and no one else was awake at the moment.

I went to the food replicator and started to think of what to eat. I had tried to eat healthy (well, as healthy as you can when most of your diet consists of pizza) and not too much sugar, soda or unhealthy snacks, since I knew I needed to stay in shape if I was gonna succeed with this mission. But, even still, a little sugar here and there didn't exactly hurt, so before I could think up a cheese sandwich and a glass of milk, I changed my mind and pulled away from the machine to think for a second.

I had been through so much the past month. Transported across the galaxy, separated from my family, chased around like an animal from planet to planet and now I had to destroy a stupid machine before a species of dangerous, deadly aliens could get it and use it to destroy the Earth. And it had all left an impact on me, whether it was big or small, and I felt like I was about to burst out of anxiety and stress. So, yeah, I deserved a treat. I usually wasn't the one for comfort eating. That was more Mikey's thing, and in some cases April's during a stressful time at school or something. But right now, I didn't care. I deserved it. Besides, chocolate stimulated the release of endorphins, which could maybe help lessen my depression. So I thought for a second and then made up my mind.

I placed the plug onto my forehead and thought myself up a big ice cream dessert. When the hatch opened, I felt my mouth water just a bit. It was big bowl with a large serving of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and it looked so good I felt myself starting to drool a little. I loved mint chocolate ice cream; it was the best. I took the bowl and the spoon that stuck out of one of the scoops, went out into the control room and sat down at the big window that showed nothing but open space. I sat down as close to the window as I could, leaned my head against the glass and looked at the stars and planets we passed as I ate my ice cream.

So... what was wrong with me? And how could I snap out of it and get back on track? I knew why I was sad, but I didn't know how to get out of it. My brothers usually helped me with a good distraction when they felt like they needed to help me (which wasn't very often) or sometimes when they didn't mean to, like when Raph got angry at Mikey and chased him around the lair. Now, I felt like I could call the Professor, Jhanna and Traximus to some extent my friends, but we still weren't good enough friends for me to feel like I could share that personal information with them. Especially about my family.

My family... How were they doing right now? How had they taken my disappearance? How had they reacted after I fell through the portal, and what did they think had happened to me? They probably thought I was dead right now, and maybe they had moved on by now. It's been a little more than a month. They must have gotten used to me being gone. Maybe even relieved, too. Except for the fact that they didn't have genius on the team anymore. And also, both Leo and Raph had been on my case about how I was thinking too much of myself and not the big picture, and that I needed to get over myself. Like I couldn't have basic needs, or disagree with any of them, or have an opinion of my own. It was like they were in the driver seats and any time I tried to put in my two cents, they would shove me away and completely ignore me. Like I wasn't there, or they hadn't heard a thing I said. At the very least Mikey didn't try to be mean, ignore me or shove me away. He just tried to hang out and cheer me up. With mixed results, but still. And although he didn't always have the focus or interest to listen to me, he still cared about me enough to want to keep me company and have fun with me.

I missed them. As much as they had driven me crazy, ignored me and treated me so badly, I missed them so much. And I don't know if I should. If anything I should be thrilled. I had finally managed to get away from the torture and I could start a new life for myself. I could stay on one of these planets I'd never heard of before and start over, forget everything about my old life, old friends and old family. But that had never once hit me before. And everything in my heart told me that I didn't want to, even though my head told me I could do it. And I don't think I could stay on another planet very long before I would get homesick. Regardless, something in me didn't want to care about my family.

'You have no reason to go back to those jerks! They mistreated you, ignored you and acted like you weren't part of the family for so many years. Why do you want to go back to them and why do you miss them? You're free from them!'

But at the same time, my heart said other things.

'No, you don't want that. You love them. You know you do, even if they don't. You know that you could never leave them, no matter how badly they treat you. You love them too much to leave them.' I sighed and sucked the ice cream off the spoon before pulling it out of my mouth again, putting it back in the bowl and leaning my forehead against the window and my hand against the glass.

"Guys, I hope you know that I love you, even though you probably don't love me." I closed my eyes and fought against the tears that threatened to fall. "I'll make it back to Earth, guys. I promise. And I'll make sure the Earth is saved from the Triceratons. Or die trying."

"Hey, Donnie." I jumped at the sudden voice and turned around to look at the door, and saw Jhanna standing there, leaning against the doorframe with her arms folded and a tired smirk on her face. She smiled at me and walked up to me. "You're up late." I tried to smile at her as she came up to me and sat down beside me, but my thoughts were a little all over the place.

"Yeah, I had a hard time sleeping and got up for a snack. What about you? What are you doing up?" She smirked and sat with her back against the window.

"I couldn't sleep. I had a lot on my mind, so I decided to get up and look at the stars for a while. That usually helps me sleep or at the very least relax." I looked her over, and, seeing her now in her new nightclothes, I started to see her in a different way.

She and Starlee had spent part of the day looking around in the bedrooms and other rooms on the ship for clothes and other things they could use, and had managed to find some clothes for her to wear, in case something got dirty or she just wanted to wear something else outside of her spacesuit, such as something to sleep in. She had managed to find a light blue-grey t-shirt that was a slightly too big for her and hung slightly off her shoulders, and black leggings. She'd also managed to find a couple of black boot-like slippers that she liked walking around in, too. She had her hair down, which made her feel a bit more comfortable to be around than in her spacesuit, gear and tied hair. She felt more like a normal person at the moment, rather than some strange alien from another planet. Well, she hadn't really felt that weird to be around when I got to know her, but still, there was always something about her that just screamed that she wasn't a human.

I shrugged and swallowed some more ice cream. She looked down at my bowl and stared at the cold dessert like she thought it was poison or something.

"What is that?" She pointed and raised an eyebrow at it, looking a bit disgusted but also curious. I scooped some more onto my spoon and held it out so she could more easily examine it.

"It's ice cream- it's a dessert on my planet. It's frozen milk and cream, along with the taste of a fruit or candy. It's really good." She wrinkled her nose and leaned in closer to the dessert, inspecting it carefully.

"It somewhat reminds me of Sherungu." She talked more to herself than to me, but unlike the time I had introduced her to pizza, she didn't look quite as revolted. I frowned slightly at her and retracted the spoon.

"Sherungu? What's that?" She met my eyes again and brushed her bangs out of her face, slightly revealing the scar there.

"It's a gelatinous dessert made out of the intestines and slime of mashed slugs. We serve it cold, because when it's warm it becomes practically impossible to eat. I've never liked it all that much, but it's a delicacy on D'hoonib." Once she got to the part about mashed slugs and their bodily secretions, I halted the spoon that was halfway up to my mouth and then put it down again, suddenly not so hungry anymore. Instead I scooped some onto the spoon and held it towards Jhanna.

"Wanna taste some?" She shook her head at me with a small smile and a raised hand.

"No, I'm good, thank you." I nodded and put the spoon down again. After that, the air got a bit tense around us and we just sat there in silence. She sat with her back against the glass and her legs pulled up to her chest, eyes on the floor, playing a little with her long hair, and I tried to think of something to say.

My eyes fell on the long scar that ran across her entire face from the left eyebrow to the right cheek. It was slightly red, but looked like it had been there for years. I bit my lip. This felt like something that wasn't my business and that I shouldn't ask her about. But I was a bit curious and wanted to know. I looked around in the room and tried to think of something other than her scar, but still ended up turning back to Jhanna. And in the light of the stars, moons and planets outside the window, and in her more causal clothing, I saw how pretty she was, with her green slanted eyes, long blue hair and relaxed countenance.

"Uh, Jhanna, can I ask you something? If it's not too, you know, personal?" She turned back to me and nodded slightly. I bit my tongue and licked my lips, trying to think of a good way to say it without coming across as insensitive or disrespectful. "Um, how did you... you know..." I looked up at her, and now I saw that she was getting suspicious and turning back to that cold and reserved girl she was when I first met her. I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling both sweaty and cold at the same time, and then I decided to just say it.

"I-I was just wondering how you got that scar." I prepared myself for the worst, and she immediately got defensive, placing her hand over her scar and glaring at me with the same cold eyes she had when she caught me planning to steal when we first met.

"That's none of your-" She started to yell at me, then stopped herself and just sighed, slumping back against the glass behind her. Her cold glare melted away just as quickly as it had showed up and she suddenly looked defeated for some reason. I placed my hand on her shoulder and tried to be understanding, even though I didn't understand anything at all.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's none of my business, anyway." She shook her head and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"No, it's okay. I'm fine." She took a deep breath and insisted on not looking me in the eyes. She suddenly seemed so small and weak, like a little kid that had tried to look tough and then was finally forced to let down her defenses once her young mind finally realized that the behavior wasn't warranted. "I- I was about eight years old, maybe nine. I had been training to become a warrior for Federation for about a year and a half and I was pretty good at it. I had a hard time getting along with my father, but it wasn't too much of an issue; I just talked to my mother instead if I had a problem." She took another breath, swallowed and then kept talking.

"But then, one day, Moriah and I were with our father in the training room. He had us do that sometimes to make sure we took our training seriously. And that day he talked about what it takes to be a part of the Federation, about how we had to be ready to whatever it took to win, even if meant stooping so low as to kill innocent creatures, on different planets. We had to abandon any sense of honour we had, just to make sure we got what he wanted in the end." She brushed her hair out of her face and her voice became a bit shaky.

"He then brought in this small, weak little alien that had been taken off the streets, and told us to kill him. A-and I felt like I couldn't agree on this. I stood up and started protesting, loudly and disrespectfully, and then helped the poor alien escape from the room before any of the guards or my father could stop me. He started to yell at me. And I yelled back, about how it was wrong to hurt aliens that had done me no wrong and that I would never kill." She swallowed again and her arms tightened their hold around her knees.

"I had never seen him so angry. I mean, I had always questioned him and had broken the rules a lot of times, but he had never gotten that angry. T-then he told the guards to hold me, and before I could react and run away, they grabbed me and held me so tightly I wasn't able to escape." Her voice suddenly got colder, more cynical, sarcasm oozing from her mouth like seeping venom.

"And my dear, beloved daddy took my sister's sword, raised it over his head and slashed me across the face with it." As she spoke, I was knocked over the head with how terrible of a father- let alone a living creature- General Blanque truly was. To hear that he had had his soldiers hold his own daughter against her will so that he could slash her across the face with a sword was just gut wrenching. I doubt even Shredder would do something so awful to Karai, and he was an insane man.

Jhanna was a little misty-eyed, like she was about to cry, and she still managed to keep her voice pretty steady throughout her story. "I remember that it hurt like Hellfire, and that I dropped my knees, crying in pain and anger and betrayal over the fact that my own father had hurt me like this. And then he just left me and told Moriah to come with him. I remember looking up at her, blood oozing down my face as I asked her for help. And she just looked at me and turned her back on me. I couldn't believe it. Everyone just left the room, leaving me bleed like there was no tomorrow and with tears running down my face." She pressed her face into her knees, probably so I wouldn't be able to see her cry.

I felt this horrible battle inside of me as to which emotion to feel- I couldn't seem to settle on one, so I was just numb. I could list all the things I was supposed to be feeling, and some things ended up leaking through after a little investigating. Compassion and pity for a little girl who had only stood up for a defenceless alien and what she believed in, and had ended up getting, both literally and figuratively, scarred for life because of it. And disgust and hatred towards the father who both ordered the men to hold her, and held the sword, and the sister who wouldn't help her little sister off the floor.

Jhanna looked up from her knees and wiped her hands over her face. "I learned two things that day. One, compassion and defending other aliens would get me nowhere. And that the only one you should look after is yourself." I put the bowl off to the side without looking away from her for a second, and tried to look her in the eyes.

"...And two?" She sighed and lowered her head, making her hair cover most of her face, and tightened her grip around her knees.

"I learned just how cruel, heartless and unsympathetic the world, and my own family, could be. And that the only way to survive in this world is to be cold and heartless as well. I also decided to not let myself become a pushover and follow my father's orders, like he hoped I would do with his actions. He refused to let me train anymore, so I started to train in secret, and I sneaked out the house more times than I should to learn everything I needed to know in order to take care of myself. I've always had to take care of myself, and I always told myself that compassion and looking out for others would just end up getting you killed or in trouble." She got quiet, and for the first time since she started telling her story, she turned to look me in the eyes.

"That is... until I met you." Her voice was so small and meek, nothing like the 'tough as nails' girl I had gotten to know over the past month, and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Suddenly things finally started to make sense. Her cold demeanor, her distrust towards others, her confusion when I helped her with Gruel back at the prison. She had grown up into a bitter, lonely girl who been taught that you would only get hurt by trusting or helping others. And then a complete stranger shows up and shakes everything she's ever known around, leaving her confused and slightly humbled.

"So... that's why you wanted to leave D'hoonib? To get away from your father and your family? To finally be on your own and not have to deal with everything at home?" I heard my voice crack and it was barely above a whisper, but she heard. She nodded and some of her hair fell over her face again.

"Yeah. I tried to find a way off the planet for the last three years, but every single time I got caught." She tried to smile, though it didn't reach her eyes, and tried to laugh. "Strategy has never been my strong suit." I gave her a wry smile, but still felt that I should say or do something. This was a side of Jhanna I hadn't seen yet, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. But then I remembered that Jhanna was, in a way, similar to Raph. Strong, passionate, hot-tempered and not very comfortable with showing emotions. So when he finally decided to show them, the best thing you could do was just show that you took his feelings seriously and give him a shoulder to lean on. Maybe I could do the same here with Jhanna?

I carefully reached my hand out and placed it on her knee. "Jhanna, I understand that life can treat you like a doormat. Trust me, I do. But whatever you choose to do with your life, you have to remember that you are who choose to be, not what anyone else tries to make you." She looked up from the floor and up at me in surprise, like this wasn't what she'd expected me to say. Then she looked down for a second before smirking at me.

"So what about you? You don't talk much about your home, yet you're so determined to save it. Sense of duty, or what?" I was taken aback by her response. She clearly tried to cover up her emotions and act as if nothing had happened, which in itself wasn't so weird, more the fact that she did it so quickly. I pulled my hand away and shifted around so I sat beside her with my shell against the glass.

"Well, no, not really. I mean, it is my home. And if I don't try to save it, billions upon billions of people will die because of the Triceratons' vendetta." I took a breath. I had to say it. Even though I had no reason to tell her anything about my family, I felt like I owed her that much after she revealed a story like that. "Besides, I still have to get home to my family. My father, my brothers… they probably think I'm dead. Besides, I miss home." She gazed at me with a tad more sympathy and brushed her hair out of her face.

"You really miss them, don't you? Your family, I mean." I nodded and wrapped my arms around my knees, copying her posture. She bit her lip, resuming eye contact.

"Tell me about them." I felt my blood freeze and my heart stopped beating for a second. Tell her about my family? No, no… I didn't want to think about them. I wanted to be positive, not depressed, and I would only become more depressed thinking about them. Besides, I didn't even know if I could forgive them yet, after so many years of being treated like a doormat. But after she had shared such a personal story with me, it didn't seem right to not tell her about something personal from my side. I took a deep breath and placed the back of my head against the glass.

"Well, I have three brothers, two older and one younger. There's also my father, Hamato Yoshi, or Master Splinter, as we call him. He took us in when we were mere infants and has taken care of us for almost sixteen years now. He's a strong, wise, and caring father, but he's also a stern and serious teacher. He's taught us ninjutsu ever since before we could walk so we could defend ourselves as we grew older. He'd do anything to protect us, and he's said more than once that we're all he has left. He's the best father we could ever ask for, and he'd never hurt us unless we needed to be punished. But that's it.

"Leonardo, or Leo, is the oldest one of us and Master Splinter made him the leader of our team. He always looks out for us and he would sacrifice himself if it meant we would all live. He's strong, wise and the most skilled in ninjutsu out of us four. He's also the closest to our father. He's really protective and cautious, sometimes too much so, but he means well.

"Raphael- or Raph, for short- is the second oldest, and there was a debate when we were younger about whether we were twins or not. But I digress. He's the strongest and most physical out of us. He also has a hot temper, and he's a true warrior. He's not stupid, but he rarely uses his brain and likes to rush into things without thinking anything through. He often yells at us, hits us and beats us up every now and then. But he's also highly protective and would sacrifice his life any day in battle just to protect us. He acts like a bully pretty often, but he has a soft side and he would never do anything that would risk our lives. He loves us and would do anything for us, even if he'd rather be caught dead than actually admit it.

"And Mikey, well... Michelangelo is probably the most spontaneous out of all of us, and there are plenty of times when I wish I knew what was going on inside of his head. He's wild, optimistic, and he's very, very random. He's also a little scatterbrained and might come across as stupid, but I know him well enough to see that he can learn and he's smart. He just has hard time focusing on things. He's the youngest, and acts more childlike than any of us, but he can also be serious and mature when he needs to be. Mikey's the most affectionate and loving and never hesitates to give a hug or do anything he could to make any one of us feel better when we're sad or upset. He has the most talent out of us, too, but he lacks the focus to fully achieve his full potential in training. But he's still really good at fighting- in his own style, of course. He's sweet, kind, and compassionate, if not a typical little brother sometimes."

As I spoke about my father and tried to praise my brothers, I felt myself smile and I felt that, the more I talked about the good things about them, the more I understood how much I really loved them. Jhanna just sat there and I knew I had her full attention. Once I stopped speaking, she just looked at me, a soft smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

"Your brothers, your father... they all sound wonderful." I nodded and smiled to myself, looking away and feeling more and more relaxed.

"Yeah, they are." But then I started remembering how they had treated me, and my smile fell, the warm feeling in my belly going away. But before I could say anything, Jhanna interrupted. She sighed and leaned back against the glass, one sleeve on her t-shirt falling off her shoulder and hanging down on her arm a bit.

"Humph; it sure must be nice to have a family that actually cares about you instead of shunning you, treating you like you're a criminal, or waiting for you to start a fight or sabotage everything." She folded her arms over her chest and sounded a bit bitterer towards the end of the sentence. I looked at her again and thought over her words. I sighed and wrapped my arms tighter around my knees.

"Just because people only know or see one side of you doesn't mean that's the only thing you have to give." Jhanna brushed some hair behind her ear and looked away from me, down at the floor.

"But they never want to listen, or to take the time to actually see who you truly are." I picked up my discarded bowl of ice cream and started to just play with the spoon in the green and brown sludge.

"It's like you have no say in who you are, and what you're gonna do with your life. Everyone around you always seems to try and live it for you, or come up with a plan of their own for who you're gonna be." She frowned and looked both upset and crestfallen.

"You're just not allowed to be who you really are."

"And if you complain, they always find ways to make it look like you're in the wrong for saying what you feel."

"It's like you can't escape from it."

"It's a never ending circle."

"It's just like..."

"You're just…"

"Trapped..."

Once we realized we'd said the last word at exactly the same time, we looked up at each other, and in her eyes I could see we had thought of the same thing and talked about problems that were very similar to the other one's. She looked at me and smiled wryly, and I returned it with as much genuine kindness as I could, despite how awkward I felt. We sat there in silence for a while before Jhanna stood up and yawned.

"Well, I'm going back to bed. We'll arrive at Filione tomorrow- gotta be well rested." I nodded and swallowed some more of my -now mostly melted- ice cream before a thought entered my mind.

"Hey, Jhanna?" She turned around before she walked through the door and looked back at me. I smiled at her, and this time it didn't feel awkward anymore. "If no one in your family cared about you, Starlee wouldn't have disobeyed your father to save you from the Triceratons." She looked at me and then down at the floor, as if that thought hadn't struck her. Hey eyes darted from side to side and she had a slightly raised eyebrow, and then she looked up at me again and gave me a small smile.

"Yeah, I guess. Uh, anyway, goodnight, D." She turned around and the door closed behind her. D? Huh, maybe she had a thing for nicknames. I quickly swallowed the last of my ice cream and went to the food replicator, where I placed the bowl in one hatch so it could be washed by tomorrow. When I was done with that, I walked to my own bedroom so I could go back to bed, just as Jhanna had done.

Once I lay down on my bed and let my head rest on the thick, comfy pillows and pulled the covers up to my chin, I realized that I didn't feel depressed anymore. If anything, I felt better now that I had talked to Jhanna. And even though I hadn't told her everything, or even why I was so depressed earlier today, I still felt like I'd emptied my emotional tank a bit, and that my talking about my family had also helped a bit. Maybe that was all I needed? To have someone to talk to about them, or about how I felt? Well, I hadn't said everything, but I didn't think I needed to. The way she and I had talked in sync like that may have been enough for her to understand.

And for now, I felt like I was gonna be fine. No matter what was gonna happen in the future.

A/N: And it's done! I've wanted to write this for so long, 'cause I wanted to get to a bit more of Jhanna's backstory and I wanted to keep the scar as something important and not just something I added for decoration for her. And I wanted them to spend some time together just talking, just the two of them, after all they've been through during the past month.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!