There are apparently several things you will only see once, whether you are in Middle Earth or elsewhere. And as I later found out, seeing an entire table of dwarves do a spit-take is a rare sight.

Whenever they were finally done spitting out their ales, Gandalf gave Thorin a wry smile before turning to Fili and Kili.

"And that, my dear dwarves, is the other reason why you should not flirt with Collie.', he said cheekily, grinning as they seemed to squirm uncomfortably.

"I'm confused.', I muttered, glancing cluelessly between the two brothers, who both looked to be at a loss for words.

"Uh—', Fili cringed, fidgeting nervously with his mustache as his cheeks became red with embarrassment.

"Spit it out lad!', Bofur chuckled, looking like he was enjoying their discomfort entirely too much. "You'll only make it worse if you wait any longer!"

(Future Collie: At this point, I really should have figured out what everyone was getting at. But I'm not exactly the smartest knife in the... place they keep the knives? Oh well. This is the part where things started to get a little crazy.)

"Collie, I would like you to meet your great-uncle, Thorin Oakenshield. And these are your second-cousins, Fili and Kili.', Gandalf finished with a nod in their direction. I balked, my mouth gaping as I stared at them.

"No freakin' way! You flirted with me!', I accused, making them both jump guiltily.

"We didn't know!', Kili grimaced.

"Aye. But you should have.', Balin laughed, sending a wink in my direction. "Her eyes alone would be proof enough."

"Of course. They're Durin blue.', acknowledged Fili with a sheepish smile. "I can see a resemblance now."

Oh. They were talking about my eye color earlier...

"She has your grandfather's nose.', Balin casually mentioned to Fili and Kili. I self-consciously touched that part of my face; it had always seemed slightly bigger than other people's noses.

"No need to be ashamed of it, lass.', the snow-bearded dwarf added when he caught sight of the movement. "Thrain's nose was always considered one of his most handsome features— complemented his beard."

"Which she unfortunately does not have.', Kili observed with dry humor, making those at the table guffaw loudly.

"Oh sure. Like you're one to talk.', I mumbled, pulling a face at the thought of having even half of the hair these people had on their faces.

"Hey!', he howled. "Take it back!"

"Kili.', his brother said warningly before leaning towards me. "He's a bit self-conscious about his lack of, um, hairiness."

I watched Kili for a moment, who was currently scowling darkly in my direction.

"Really?', I whispered back. "I think he looks cute without a beard... The scruffy goatee suits him."

A low growl made me hastily scoot away from Kili, who had apparently been eavesdropping on our murmured conversation.

"Tell me, Gandalf.', Thorin began, giving me another good once over. "How did you come upon my brother's kin? We had no knowledge that he was married before he died in the Battle of Azanulbizar."

Whoa! Gramps died? Isn't that a piece of critical information? How the heck did he end up in Alabama if he was dead?

"That would be a tale for another day, I'm afraid.', said the wizard, skirting around the query. "I believe our burglar is in need of some assistance."

"We will leave you to it then.', the dwarf— and my uncle, apparently —answered cooly, looking rather peeved that he received no answer from Gandalf. "We will continue in the parlor."

"Parlor? What is a parlor?', I wondered as I followed the dwarves for no reason at all except out of curiosity. As they entered a mid-sized room that contained a simple couch and several armchairs I did a double take. "Oh. They meant the living room... who on earth would say parlor?"

"Where are you from?"

"Huh?"

"Where do you make your home, lass?', Bofur repeated patiently.

"South... I think. I kinda got lost when Gandalf brought me here."

"Ah, wizards; always meddling, they are."

"I do not meddle, Bofur! I simply give people a small push out the door!"

"Ain't that the truth.', I snorted as the gray-robed figure appeared through the doorway.

"Your case was slightly different, Collie.', Gandalf said matter-of-factly. "In your instance it was you who opened the door."

"And I'll be darned if I ever open that door again.', I harrumphed underneath my breath. "Once was enough; I don't know how the Pevensies didn't need therapy after Narnia."

"Gandalf. Outside, now."

"I am not someone you can merely order about.', the wizard huffed, though he followed the leader of the company nonetheless. "What is it this time, Thorin?"

"I wish to know why you have brought this girl—"

"Collie.', the Istari corrected.

Thorin shot the taller-being a stony glare.

"As I was saying, I wish to know why she is here."

"To join your quest, of course. I thought that much was obvious!"

"Surely you are familiar with the dwarvish customs regarding our womenfolk.', the dwarf argued.

"Well, your people are a rather secretive race..."

"Do not test my patience.', growled Thorin. "You know as well as I that our womenfolk are protected; seldom do we allow them to venture into dangerous territory, which is where most of this quest will take place."

"Collie is not used to being coddled as most females are, Thorin. She is much different, which you shall surely see. She is quite independent, to be sure."

"I do not agree with this notion of yours, Gandalf. My great-niece should be in a place of safety— not gallivanting off to whatever Valar forsaken lands we must travel through. Frerin would not be appreciative of me sending off his granddaughter into danger."

"And yet he is not here! Thorin, she did not have any knowledge of this part of her family; indeed, I do not think she had any association with her grandfather."

"So you brought her along for the sole purpose of meeting her kin?"

"Yes, among other things.', the wizard replied evasively as he was often prone to do.

"I will think on it.', Thorin said, hesitating over the idea which did not sit well with him at all.

Gandalf gave an noncommittal hum as he filled his pipe, offering some of the leaf to his ill-tempered companion, who grudgingly accepted it.

"Where did you find her, if I may ask?', the exiled king pressed, anxious for any news of the brother who had long been thought dead.

"Will you keep the matter quiet if I see reason to share it?"

"Of course', he replied with a hint of surprise tinging his voice. "I swear it."

"Good." Gandalf took a deep breath from his pipe, debating on which way was best to break the news. "Collie is from the future."

The response he received should have been expected, he later thought, as Thorin began to gasp in surprise, the smoke he had inhaled choking him. The wizard gave him a good slap on the back, waiting patiently for the dwarf to stop his spluttering and regain his breath.

"Future?"

"Yes. I am unsure of the circumstances that took place, but it seems as though your brother ended up several thousands of years into the future. He married, obviously, though what happened after that is uncertain. It took quite a while for me to locate his descendants, though I found no sign of your brother."

"Collie is of mankind.', Thorin mulled in an uncharacteristically serene voice. He did not seemed peeved by the fact, at least, not as far as Gandalf could see.

"Only three-quarters, really. Her mother is the one with the most dwarvish blood, though Collie undoubtedly holds the most dwarvish qualities out of her family."

"And how many children did Frerin have?"

"One, as far as I know. He has several grandchildren though. Six boys, and of course Collie, who is their sister."

"Mahal's hammer! Did you not think that perhaps one of the girl's brothers would be better suited to travel with us?', Thorin accused, aghast that the wizard had decided on a girl when there had been several males he could have picked from.

"The thought crossed my mind. But, in the end, I thought it best to bring Collie. She needed to learn of her history."

"And that is not something Frerin could have achieved?', he retorted, raising a heavy black brow at the wizard who sat on the bench beside him. It was a rather funny sight, if one thought of it. Gandalf's legs were far to long for him to sit comfortably on the seat, meaning that his legs were crushed underneath the wooden structure at an extremely odd angle.

"Perhaps, had he been involved in her life."

"Are you saying my brother died?""No, Thorin, I do not think he is quite dead yet."

"Then what are you saying? That he abandoned his family?" Thrain's son felt his temper growing stretched to the point of snapping as he processed the wizard's insinuations.

"I do not know the circumstances as I am not all-knowing you stubborn, patience trying, dwarf!"

"Patience trying?', he sniffed haughtily in response. "I am only patience trying when it comes to wizards who give vague answers!"

"No, you are patience trying at all times, though I believe for the sake of the quest we should refrain from arguing any longer."

"Agreed.', mumbled Thorin. "I will speak with the company of this matter you have suggested. Be forewarned that I may simply leave her in one of the many small establishments Dain established recently. At least there she would be safe."

"I suppose that is all I can ask for at the moment.', Gandalf said. "Though I believe you should know that Collie cannot return to her home until a certain time has passed and my energy has replenished. It took a powerful spell to transport her here, and I do not have enough power to send her back at the moment."

Thorin sighed; it almost felt as if Gandalf was forcing this choice on him. He did not resent the girl for this issue though— he had a gut feeling that she had been dragged unknowingly into this somehow. She was actually quite likable, though she certainly had at least a small portion of her grandfather's legendary temper.

"She can come.', Thorin managed to grind out, knowing that however disinclined he was towards the idea Gandalf was sure to press it until he got his way. "Though I believe we should speak with the company about her being of the future. The information would not go further than our group.', he added hastily, watching for a negative reaction.

"I believe that may be wise. They might be slightly more understanding of her dilemma."

"A dilemma you no doubt caused.', Thorin muttered to himself, heedless of the danger of upsetting one of the Istari.

"Thorin has agreed to let you travel with them."

"Aw dang.', I grouched, crinkling my nose at the idea of traveling for goodness knows how long with a bunch of smelly dwarves. Not to mention Fili and Kili, who have managed to become as obnoxious as my six brothers combined in the past ten minutes. Suffice it to say that I really, really do not like wizards at the moment.

Gandalf had rejoined the dwarves in the sitting room, which seems to be yet another synonym for parlor/living room. I stared after him for a long moment, a frown marring my features.

This was not cool.

Many thanks to...

Guest186, Guest, Dreaming Star Traveler, Eragon, IfYouRememberMe, grace-adalyn, Me And Not You 1001, LoverxofxNight, and Teensouleater25. You guys rock!