"So you are Collie..."

I jumped, falling out of my dreamy state to eye the dwarf that had come up behind me. I had found a small area in the hobbit hole that was unoccupied by smelly males, and I had made good use of it, though I had been interrupted after an hour or so of deep thought.

"Um, hi... Thorin?', I tried nervously, though my harried greeting only garnered me an unimpressed look. "Uh... Lord Oaken...thingy? Sir? Mister?', I rattled off, trying to find the right title.

"I believe 'Uncle' would do. It is definitely much simpler than calling me Lord Oakenthingy. "

My eyes widened slightly, only to narrow suspiciously as I thought I saw his lip twitch.

Is he laughing at me? He is totally laughing at me!

"Gandalf tells me he wishes you to journey with us.', he continued, his expression veiled as he watched me process his statement. "He also tells me that you had no knowledge of your dwarven heritage."

Emphasis on a word can only mean two things... sarcasm or great importance.

"Knowing and believing are two totally different things.', I shrugged. "I was always told that my grandfather thought himself a dwarf... but I didn't believe he really was. Not until I came here, anyway."

"So the wizard spoke the truth of Frerin? You have never met him?"

"Nope. I heard of him, though." And it certainly wasn't anything good.

There was an awkward pause in the conversation where neither of us knew what to say, yet neither of us felt obligated to break the silence. Thorin finally turned away and exited the small room, calling over his shoulder that we were to leave at dawn.

"And speak with Balin in the morning!', he barked as his footsteps grew softer. "He will help you pack for the journey."

Oooo! This is not gonna be good.

Dawn... Ha. Ha. That was a joke, right? Nope. Big, fat, negative, NOPE!

Thorin had been dead serious last night, and I soon found out what it is like to be woken up by Fili and Kili. Not fun, in case anyone was curious. Upon having our little 'chat' last night, he had spoken with the company about my appearance and where I was from, among other things. I think it is probably safe to guess that the dwarves were not happy with idea of me going with them— I am currently receiving the stink eye from several of the bearded wackos. I don't see why they blame me though: it's not like I asked for this to happen. I would much rather be in my warm bed, thank you very much.

After eating a small breakfast at a place called the Green Dragon, Balin, who turned out to be the dwarf with the snowy white beard, was appointed to 'prepare me' for the quest while the others retrieved the ponies from where they had been stabled nearby. We had picked up a few things already, though there were still several things left to buy.

"Can you fight, lassie?"

Poor Balin probably thought I was an owl, judging from the fact that I just blinked stupidly at him for the fifth time in the past hour.

"That's a no then.', he said, giving a long-suffering huff. "A knife it is."

"A knife?', I squeaked, finally finding my voice. "What for?"

"In case you need to—', the snowy bearded man paused for a moment. "—stab something.', he finished lamely.

I grimaced— by Balin's hesitancy, I realize that this 'something' was most likely to be a 'someone'. How the heck was I supposed to pull that off when I can barely stick the straw into a Caprisun pouch?

"I suppose we will also need to find you a sturdy satchel, a bedroll... and perhaps a waterskin..." His voice faded out as I suddenly realized a major issue.

"Balin.', I whispered.

He continued listing several items, and I had the distinct feeling that he was no longer talking to me.

"And of course some thicker clothes..."

"Balin!', I tried again, a little louder this time. "What am I supposed to do about the... the feminine stuff?"

The dwarf stumbled slightly as he heard me.

"Oh.', he muttered underneath his breath. "That is a problem."

His face remained stoic, while I, on the other hand, was so flushed that I probably looked like I was going to become combustable at any given moment.

"I suppose we will talk to that hobbit lass we saw at the inn this morning... she will be able to find something, I am sure.', he mulled, brushing over the matter with ease.

"You— you won't tell Fili and Kili about this? Or anyone else for that matter?', I pleaded, shifting my feet in embarrassment. "They're already giving me enough grief as it is.

"Of course not!', he chuckled. "It is a natural part of womanhood that—"

"I get it!', I yelped, covering my burning cheeks. "My mom made things clear enough without you telling me about it!"

This time he actually did blush.

"Mahal above!', Balin exclaimed, looking horrified at the very idea. "I was not going to explain it to ya! I only wished to set your mind at ease!"

"I think my mind would be 'at ease' a whole lot more if we could forget I said anything.', I groaned.

He gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder before continuing to walk, his brisk pace making me jog a bit to keep up.

When Balin had purchased everything he thought necessary for the trip, he swiftly foisted it off to me as soon as it was neatly packed away into the large satchel he had managed to nose out from the many wares that had been on display in the markets.

"We were quite lucky to be leaving on the day most hobbits do their trading. We have been strangely fortunate in our findings, lass."

Giving an absent minded nod, I followed the dwarf to the designated area where we were to meet the others.

"Are you having trouble, cousin?', Fili asked with a grin, watching as I heroically tried to climb the pony... only to heroically fall on my butt for the thousandth time.

A low growl rumbled out my throat.

"You could ask for help you know..."

"Over my dead body.', I harrumphed as I scrambled to my feet.

"You don't climb a pony like it's a haystack, Collie. Put your foot in the stirrup... HA!"

Fili's instruction was cut off by his loud guffaw. Thorin had apparently gotten tired of watching me struggle and, walking up behind me, he lifted me into the saddle.

"You can open your eyes now.', I heard Kili say from somewhere on the ground. I slowly popped one eye open, the other quickly following.

"You squeal like a girl.', he declared with a toothy grin.

"Oh, I must sound like you then?', I shot back. Opening his mouth, Kili made to retort, but his— I mean our— uncle sent him a warning glance.

"Fili!', Thorin called. "Would you mind leading Collie's pony?"

"This is the craziest thing I've ever done.', I grumbled to myself. "I am traveling with a large group of strange men, no dwarves, that I had not even met twenty-four hours ago!"

"Look at it this way Collie. We can't be so strange, seeing as how we're family. In fact, you are related to everyone in this group except Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur." Fili comforted in a roundabout way, obviously hearing the conversation I had been having with myself.

It's like their parents picked their names out of a twisted Dr. Seuss book... I mean, come on! Do you really have to make every single name in the family rhyme? And contrary to Fili's belief, family can be the strangest people you will ever meet.

"Have you not ridden a horse before?', Kili asked curiously, mounting his own steed and nudging it into motion.

"Um... maybe once. I was six, I think."

"I suppose that was a good many decades ago, hm?"

"How old do you think I am?!', I laughed, though by their faces they were not amused. "Oh gosh. You guys were serious."

"Of course we were!', Fili burst out. "I say that you cannot possibly be older than seventy!"

"But you are most definitely older than sixty!', Kili added.

Stunned, I simply stared at them for a moment, the wheels in my head turning as I tried to grasp what they were saying.

"You think I'm sixty?', I finally managed. They nodded, making me feel slightly dizzy. "If I'm sixty in your eyes.. then how old are you?"

"I am eighty-two and Kili is seventy-seven."

"How—?', I stuttered, looking between them to make sure they were not simply pulling my leg.

"How old are you, then?', Fili pressed.

"Sixteen.', I whispered hoarsely.

"What?!"

"SIXTEEN!"

Those who rode ahead of us suddenly pulled their reins short, turning in their saddles to gaze at me wide-eyed.

Yikes. Gandalf looks like he is about to have a cow.

Thankfully for me, the tense moment was interrupted by the fuzzy-footed creature named Bilbo Baggins, who had changed his mind about coming on an adventure. I am starting to like that hobbit— even if he will probably make me look even less useful than I already am.

Many thanks to...

Roazhonad, The better twin, lullabydono, IfYouRememberMe, 1 fan of pj . hp . lotrh . con . ra, Me And Not You 1001