A Million Miles Apart
A/N: Hi! Announcement time! I will be going on vacation to Florida this Saturday, and I don't know if I can bring my computer. And even then one of the hotels we'll be staying at doesn't have free Wi-Fi, so I may not update in at least two weeks. So yeah, just so you know.
I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and please review, favorite and follow!
Chapter 41, You Said You'd Always Be There
The world around me was dark, but other than that I didn't feel, see or hear anything. Well, I felt like I was floating around in space, actually. And for the first time in weeks I felt at peace. There was no pain, fear, worry or insecurity. But even then, a memory was floating around in my head, and was brought to life around me. Somehow I could see it front of me, as if I was watching a movie. It was a memory from when I was a kid, and I could see it all through the eyes of my younger self. Echoes of what must have been my thoughts at the time surrounded me as I was immersed in a living memory.
...
I'm only six years old, sitting up in my bed with a flashlight in my hand, reading the new book that Master Splinter had gotten for me while trying to be as quiet as possible. I know it's late and I know that I should be sleeping by now, since morning training starts in about six hours, but I just can't help it. I'm not tired, not one bit. So I had thought that a bit of reading might help my insomnia- but so far I've been unsuccessful. But it's not like this is anything new. I have quite the history of being up late at night, even though I know I'm not supposed to.
A lot of thoughts and questions had been flooding through my head today. Ever since Splinter came home from the junkyard earlier today, and with my earlier conversations with my brothers fresh in my memory, a lot of questions have been plaguing me. Do my brothers think I'm boring? Do they love me? Or do they just put up with me because Splinter brought me along with them?
Does... does Splinter love me? Does Splinter think like my brothers? Am I just here because he feels responsible for all of us? Maybe he hates me just like my brothers do.
Suddenly the door opens and my head snaps up from the book and towards the door. Splinter is looking in through the small opening at me, and he sighs and shakes his head tiredly when he sees that I'm still awake and reading at this late hour.
"Donatello, you should be sleeping at this hour. It is very late." He walks into the room and up to my bed, pulls the book and flashlight out of my hands and puts them away before turning back to me. He kneels down beside the bed. "Why are you still awake, my son? You know we have training early in the morning." I shrug and look down at the mattress, trying my best to avoid eye contact.
"I couldn't sleep. I thought a little reading would help." I refuse to look up at Father, hoping that he won't see that something is on my mind. After all, I've been able to cover it up for a few weeks now, that I have a habit of staying up late at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping. And I try to make it seem that I'm not as troubled as I really am by looking away from him, but of course, he notices anyway.
Splinter sees how crestfallen I must look and places his fingers under my chin, making me look up into his eyes. He smiles gently and his eyes are comforting and warm, even though he had clearly been tired and annoyed only a few seconds earlier.
"Donatello, I can see that there is something that troubles you. And I hope you know that if you feel bad or just have something on your mind, you can always come to me. Please, my son, what is it?" I look up at him, then down at the mattress, and then back up at Splinter again. I gently pull my face away from his fingers.
"It's nothing, Sensei. Really, I'm fine." Splinter shakes his head and places both hands on my shoulders, making it impossible for me to turn away from him. He looks me in the eyes.
"Donatello, do you believe that I have not seen the tension between you and your brothers? I may be old, but I'm not blind nor deaf. I can tell something has happened. So please, tell me." I bite my lip and blink to try and get rid of any unwelcome tears that want to get out.
"I... I guess I just don't understand why I'm here. I mean, I know you feel responsible for all of us, but I just don't feel like I belong here. I'm so different from the guys and you. I'm not strong or a good ninja, I just have my books and the things I learn. What use will that ever be? And the guys don't even care about me, so why am I here? Why did you take me in with the others? I'm useless." Splinter's eyes widen and his grip on my shoulders tightens. For a second I'm scared he's gonna get angry, but then he pulls me into his arms and hugs me to his chest. I feel his muzzle against the side of my face.
"Donatello, you are my son, just as much as your brothers are. And you have to know that I love you. I did not take you boys in because of how useful you would be to me - I did it because I knew you would not be able to take care of yourselves. You were just babies. And I do not care if you aren't my best fighter. I still love you. " He grabs me by the shoulders again and looks down at me with a smile.
"And as for you 'not being strong', you are much stronger than you believe. It takes strength to do what you love, even if others don't always seem to approve. And what your brothers may think of wanting to learn and not always playing their games is not important. As long as you are happy with who you are, that is all that matters." I shake my head and look away.
"But, Sensei, what's the point of being fine with who you are if nobody else seems to love or care for you? Will I just be lonely for the rest of my life? Lonely and unloved?" Master Splinter shakes his head, then his eyes fall on my book that he had placed on my bedside table. He looks at the title, smiles and then opens the book. He flips through pages and then places the open book in my lap.
"Donatello, look at this." I look and see he's opened the book to a chapter about stars. "Love is like the stars. You can't always see it, you can't touch it, and sometimes its light seems to dim. But you know it's always there. No matter what happens." I frown, tilting my head to the side.
"But stars die all the time. Does that mean love dies every now and then?" Splinter chuckles at me and shakes his head with a fond smile.
"No, my son. Love is constant, just as the stars are always going to be constant. For every star that dies, another one is born. And as long as that cycle keeps going around, as long as there is a star in the night sky, my love for you and your brothers will always be there. I want you to remember that, Donatello. Always remember that love is as constant as the stars above, and that I will always be there, whenever you need me." As he talks he starts to tuck me back in again, and I lay my head back on the pillow and nod at him.
"I will. I promise." He smiles down at me, leaning down and kissing me on the forehead before standing up and quietly leaving the room. I snuggle into the pillow and try to go back to sleep. But a voice keeps trying to wake me up; keeps calling my name.
"Donnie..."
"Donnie?"
"Donnie!"
I slowly opened my eyes as the dream faded away along with the warm, comforting darkness I had been surrounded with for who knows how long. I blinked a little and was immediately blinded by the bright, white light that shone through the opening of a tent. I closed my eyes again and slowly but surely started to open them so they would get used to the light. I also started to feel the pain again. My whole body was aching and my left leg was pounding like crazy. Especially around the kneecap.
"Hey, I think he's coming to." I blinked and tried to find the source of the voice. My brain felt jumbled and I couldn't seem to place the voice with the right face, but I was pretty certain it was Jhanna. A few blurry blots appeared in my line of vision, and even though they were very blurry, I could tell by the color of their skin, faces and hair that it was Jhanna, Starlee, Mona Lisa and Traximus. I guess it helps when your friends all look so different.
"Donnie? Can you hear me?" Starlee leaned down and as my vision got sharper I could see she was very, very concerned. And once I got a good look on the others I could see they were also really concerned about me. Even Mona Lisa, who had rarely shown any other emotion than disinterest or annoyance. I tried to ask what had happened, but all I managed to get out was a couple of dry groans. Jhanna and Traximus helped me sit up and lean back against a couple of big pillows while Mona Lisa grabbed a small bowl and placed it to my lips.
"Here, drink a little. You'll feel better, and your throat won't hurt so much." I don't know how she knew that my throat was so dry it was aching, but either way I complied and let her help me sip some water. And it felt really good. My throat immediately felt so much better, and the clear, cool water tasted so very wonderful. And that's saying something, considering that we always had to boil water in order to get rid of all the bacteria and dirt before we could drink it. When the water was gone she gently pulled away the bowl from my lips and I licked my lips and the inside of my mouth.
"Thanks." My voice was raspy and it felt pretty weak, mostly coming out little louder than a whisper, but she nodded with a smile anyway, putting the bowl aside. Now that I was a little more alert and sitting up, I took a moment to look around. I was in the Chief's tent, lying on his bed with several pillows placed under my head and back, so I was practically reclined on the bed. I could hear the Chief and the Professor talking to each other outside the tent. I looked back to the others.
"What... what happened?" Starlee bit her lip and looked away, Jhanna twirled a strand of hair around her finger and Mona looked down at the ground. Traximus placed his big hand on my shoulder and looked down on me. He looked as though he was thinking, 'I'm so sorry this had to happen to you'.
"You... were attacked by Zog. He beat you to the ground and your leg is severely injured." I felt my body grow cold and my eyes flew down to my left leg. I had expected it to be heavenly bandaged, but it wasn't. It looked relatively okay, nothing at all like I had expected. Still, a big long scar had marked my leg, starting a few inches over my knee and ending slightly below it and a big bruise had formed, giving my knee a dark purple color. I looked up at the others, and Mona Lisa sat down beside Traximus.
"We tried our best to help you with the fire lily potion, but it didn't heal it entirely. It's not broken anymore, but it's still pretty bad. You're gonna have to take it easy for a while. Maybe not walk around too much." I guess I should have been relieved that it wasn't broken and that I wouldn't have to wait before I could walk again, but I was still injured and wouldn't be able to walk properly for some time. Jhanna and Starlee looked at each other and then back at me with apologetic eyes.
"That's not the only thing." I looked at them and felt the dread and worry grow stronger in my chest and stomach. Jhanna took out a small, round object from her pocket and handed it to me. It was a small mirror, barely bigger than her palm, and I tried to be extra careful with it so I wouldn't break it with my much bigger hands. I looked hesitantly at the others, and then looked at my face in the small mirror. What I saw was not a very comforting sight.
Across my face ran three long scars, almost the same light green hue the scar on my arm had, only slightly darker and thus they were so much easier to see. I placed fingers on my face and ran them across the scars, two of them going from my right eyebrow- and slightly above it on my forehead- and all the way down to my left cheek. The third one went from below my right eye and down to the left corner of my upper lip. This time I felt some tears form in my eyes and almost slip out, so I quickly blinked them away. But Starlee and Traximus still saw that something was wrong, as she placed her hand on my shoulder and Traximus leaned down to look me in the eyes.
"Donatello, are you alright?" I lowered the hand with mirror, handing it back to Jhanna and trying to put on a smile, even though it was really hard to pull off.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just fine." But behind that strained smile I felt ready to cry or just go to sleep and never wake up again.
I almost wanted to scream when Traximus extended a large hand, the most familiar purple fabric in the world clutched in his palm. With shaking hands, which I tried my hardest to steady, I took my mask from his hand and reverently examined it, twisting one of the tails between my fingers in an age-old habit. I chewed my lip until it bled when I saw what that monster had done to my mask- one of my only ways of really distinguishing myself in my family. My individuality was ensured from a young age by the purple of this mask. And now it was torn to shreds, then hastily resurrected by the odd stitch work of a grateful villager. I knew that when I put the mask back on my face, the lines of stitches would match up perfectly with my new scars, thus drawing even more attention to the fact that I was now permanently disfigured for my own stupidity.
'I knew it. I can't do this. I never should have thought I'd be able to do this.'
Our second night on Filione came and we were all ready to go to bed. We had spent the day trying to help the Salamandarians clean up after the Triceraton attack. And by 'we', I mean everyone but me. Jhanna and the Professor had practically forced me to sit down and take it easy while they helped the others. But I had still found ways to be make myself useful by patching up the Salamandarians that had gotten injured during the attack and helped the other healers with whatever I could do. It wasn't much, but I still did something to help, which helped to soothe the ache in my heart just a bit.
Dinner that evening was painfully awkward and nowhere as pleasant as the one before. The Chief tried to cheer me up by saying that he would send us a small bottle of fire lily potion when we left tomorrow, and if I would pour a drop of that stuff in my drink every morning my leg would heal a lot quicker, but it didn't help me feel that much better, since I knew I'd have to cancel the mission and ask the Professor to just fly me home to Earth. There was nothing else I could do.
So now, while everybody else was sleeping soundly, I found myself tossing and turning and finding myself unable to sleep.
"'Uh oh'? Donnie, I thought you said you knew how to do this!"
"Well, work faster!"
"No, not the pizza guy! Take Donnie!"
"You mutated my father!"
"They're aliens from another dimension! What did you expect!? A big round ball with a lit fuse that says BOMB!?"
"Dude! Your weapon just exploded!"
"I never want to see you again!"
"Wait, do you still think you have a shot with her?"
"You know best, Gap Tooth!"
"I hope you remember this moment the next time you think you'll ever be anything more than weak, pathetic little terrapin freak!"
I jerked awake and sat up, panting, and had to hold myself back from screaming. I sat for a second and just breathed, trying to collect my thoughts, and looked over to the others to see if I had woken anyone up. When I saw that they were all still asleep, I got up on my good foot and grabbed my staff as crutch and started to limp out of the hut. Once I got outside I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I placed the staff in the strap on my shell and started to climb up to a higher branch- which was incredibly tricky using only one leg. I was scared that I'd fall down a few times, but I managed to get up to a higher branch, about ten feet above the hut. No one would hear me and I wouldn't have to worry about waking anyone.
Once I got up on the branch I started to pace back and forth, trying my best to ignore the searing pain in my leg. "What the heck am I doing? I can't do this. Why did the heck did I think I could? It wouldn't change a thing! These guys are practically the rulers of the galaxy, and I'm just lousy excuse for a ninja. What's done is done, and..." I looked up at the sky and saw nothing. Unlike last night, there was no moon and no stars were out tonight. And I felt betrayed. The tears threatened once more as I looked out over the night sky.
"You said you'd always be there!" I didn't even hear my own echo, and there was no response at all. I felt my tears actually fall from my eyes and this time I didn't try to blink them away. "I didn't forget. You lied." More tears fell and I just let them. What more was there I could do? Nothing.
"I just wanna go home." I wiped my eyes with the back of my arm and sniffled. I pulled off my mask and stuffed it down into my belt. I didn't deserve to wear it; I was a failure. A ninja wasn't supposed to give up or be defeated that easily. I didn't deserve the title.
"Donnie?" I turned to look over my shoulder and saw a green face and turquoise eyes. And in the dark I could also see her pink ribbon tied around wrist. I had expected Jhanna or maybe Starlee, but not Mona Lisa. She stood up on the ladder, looking up at me, and I could see she was concerned. "Are you okay?" I quickly wiped my hands over my face to try and conceal my tears.
"Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Just a little frustrated." She raised an eyebrow at me, clearly unconvinced. She pulled herself onto the branch and walked up to me.
"I was hoping you'd be awake. I wanted to talk to you." I narrowed my eyes in confusion at her and sat down on the branch, watching as she sat down beside me. She fingered a little at the ribbon around her wrist, looked down at her feet and bit her lower lip. I waited. I knew that it would be best if I didn't rush her. Mona fingered her hair, sighed heavily and looked up at me.
"Why did you help me before? You know, with Zog." I was taken aback. This wasn't what I had expected, either, but I eventually just shrugged and looked away from her.
"Because it was the right thing to do. I couldn't just let them take you back to that place." She brushed her bangs out of her face.
"But I've not been a friend to you. I haven't helped you guys out in any way since we escaped from the Triceraton Prison. I've been nothing but a jerk, so why did you help me?" I bit the inside of my cheek and thought over what to say without it coming across as something bad.
"Well, I wouldn't say that you've been a jerk, just a little unpleasant. And that's not a reason for you to go to prison. I would probably be a bit bitter if I had been imprisoned for ten years. I've been told that you are a really nice girl, and I want to believe that." She sighed softly and played with her fingers.
"Well, maybe I used to be." She muttered and her long bangs fell over her face. I moved closer to her and considered placing my arm around her, but decided against it and just gave her some space. Mona took a few breaths and turned back to me, and I could see small tears forming in her eyes. She pulled the pink ribbon off her wrist and showed it to me.
"You see this?" I nodded. I had been wondering about that ribbon, since she seemed so protective of it. And I had seen a few other young females wear similar ribbons in their hair or around an arm, their necks or wrists. "Well, it's the only thing I have left of my mother." Oh, boy. It's gonna be one of 'those' stories, isn't it? She rubbed the pink fabric, never taking her eyes off it.
"You see, when Salamandarian girls reach a certain age, their mothers give them a ribbon they in turn were given by their mothers. It's a sign of maturity, that a girl is old enough and has basically become an adult. And when that girl meets a man that she really likes, she gives this ribbon to the man, as a way of showing that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. He's allowed to say yes or no, but it's still the females that ask." So, it was like asking somebody to marry you? Okay, interesting story, but whatever.
"Since my mother died before she could give it to me, I took as a keepsake and always keep it on me. It's the only thing that I have that reminds me of her. But that's not the point- the point is that all my life I've always known who I was and who I'd grow up to be. I'd learn to be a healer and I'd find a nice Salamandarian boy to spend my life with and bear his children. That was all I was gonna do with my life, and I was fine with that. I didn't need anything else. But then, everything just changed.
"I was shipped off to prison and spent the first few months hoping someone would come and rescue me. I prayed to the Aeons every night for help, and just kept hoping. But after several months, I realized that no one was gonna come and this was my life now. And for several years I just did what I had to do in order to survive. And then you showed up. You and Jhanna, and you were going on about escaping and getting out of there. You were the hero I had been hoping for, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it. I just thought you were another one of those that had such high beliefs that they would be able to escape, and all of them had failed in the past. I didn't want to get my hopes up.
"But then you actually managed to pull off an escape and we were free from those creeps. All I wanted was to go home, but then you said you were gonna chase after the Triceratons and I was terrified. I just wanted my old life back, not to go on an adventure. So I was happy to finally go home again and leave prison life and everything the Triceratons were and just get my life back to how it used to be. I come back and I realize that my whole planet's been dragged into the war I wanted to avoid. The war I hoped I could forget after I got back home. And now I realize that even if I stay or not, I will be a part of this whether I want to or not." Her story really wasn't at all what I had expected. But now I understood why she acted the way she had and I felt more sorry for her. But still, she seemed to have something more on her mind.
"What are you trying to say, Mona?" She looked up at me with a new fire in her eyes. A flame of determination and strength.
"I want to help you to save Earth." My eyes widened and my arms fell to my sides. What? Mona had gone from a scared yet highly defensive girl to wanting to get involved in a huge war against the very creatures she was scared of? That was an unimaginable and quick change.
"Why?" She shrugged and tied the ribbon around her wrist again.
"I can either fight a war against the Triceratons that try to take our resources but don't take us seriously, or I can try to make a bigger change. To stop the Triceratons permanently. And I'd rather help you than just stay here and not make much of a change. I know I said I don't care about Earth all that much, but I also see how the Triceratons are affecting my home, and I can't help but be scared about what they're gonna do to Earth- to your home. And I'm not gonna sit here and let these freaks terrorize my people and possibly do worse to other planets." I gave her a wry smile.
"Thank you, Mona. I admire your bravery, but I don't think you'll have to. Tomorrow I'm gonna ask the Professor to fly me back to Earth again." Mona's eyes widened and her jaw hit the ground.
"WHAT? WHY?!" Instead of hearing just Mona Lisa, I heard three voices. Both Mona and I looked up and towards that ladder behind us. And below us I saw both Jhanna and Starlee standing there, looking up at us. I barely had time to react before Jhanna had hurried up the ladder and ran up to us.
"Donnie, you can't be serious right now! So we lost a battle today- big deal! You're not gonna quit just because of that, are you?" I lowered my head and looked away from her, resting my chin in my hands. Starlee brushed her sister aside and sat down beside me and placed her arm around my shoulders.
"Donnie, why do you wanna give up? You've been so driven to save your world and really shown that you wanted to save Earth, so why do you wanna throw in the towel now?" I sighed and shrugged lightly.
"You saw what happened back there. How can I possibly stand a chance against these guys? They're so much stronger and more skilled than I am. There's nothing I can do." Jhanna shook her head placed her hand on my shoulder, shaking me roughly.
"Don't say that! You are strong and skilled- there's so much you can do! And if you quit now, what about Earth? What about the people who live there- your family? Are you just gonna let them die?" I wanted to be angry at her, but I didn't have the energy to get angry, so I just shrugged.
"I guess I'll just wait for the Triceratons to attack Earth and try to defeat them when they come." Jhanna and Starlee exchanged horrified glances, but before they could say anything, I felt another hand, only this one on my cheek, that made me look up at Mona Lisa. She looked me straight in the eyes with serious yet compassionate eyes of her own.
"Donnie, listen to me. I've been imprisoned almost my whole life. And the Aeons have never answered my prayers- until now. You came to that prison, you had hope, you had determination, you had strength. And even with everything that has happened, you are still alive. The Aeons haven't given up on you yet, so you cannot give up on yourself now." Jhanna and Starlee looked surprised at her, but Starlee quickly nodded and hugged me around the shoulders.
"Yes! You have to believe in yourself! You are strong and you are a fighter! You can do this. And until your leg heals, we'll help you. We believe in you, who cares about what Zog said!" Jhanna sat down behind me and lightly punched my shoulder.
"Yeah, that Zog freak has no idea what he's talking about! And we don't care about what he thinks- we're your friends. We'll follow you every step of the way- just lead the way!" I looked up at these girls who all looked at me encouragingly, smiles on their faces. They believed in me? Even after that big fiasco, they still believed in me? Suddenly a stream of light appeared from the sky, and as I looked up I saw that the moon and stars had appeared from behind the clouds.
"Love is like stars. You can't always see it, you can't touch it and sometimes its light seems to dim. But you know it's always there. No matter what happens."
I smiled at the sky and looked up at the girls again. "Well, Zog was actually right about one thing." They looked at each other with worry in their faces and Mona asked me with uncertainty and a raised eyebrow,
"Oh? And, uh, what's that?" I reached down into my belt and pulled out my mask, tying it over my face and standing up strong and tall, even if it was painful with my bum leg.
"I don't know when to give up."
A/N: Yay! And it's done! Now, just a quick reminder, I will most likely not update in a while. I will be going on vacation and I'm not sure if I can bring my MacBook with me. And even if I can, the hotel we'll be staying at the longest doesn't seem to have free WI-FI. Just so you know.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!