Mant thanks to...
LoverxofNight, lullabydono, Me And Not You 1001, 1 fan of hp . pj . lotrh . con . ra, The better twin, Rosmund chadwick, Guest186
"Is it true that you are from the future?"
I had spent the past few hours chatting with Fili and Kili, who, if you can get past the horrendous amount of teasing, really aren't that bad. I believe that they would have given Bilbo a hard time about his missing handkerchiefs had I not been there: apparently teasing a girl is far more fun than teasing an oblivious hobbit.
"Uh..." I glanced sharply at Gandalf, who gave an almost imperceptible nod from where he rode a large white horse in front of me. "Yes...?"
"Incredible!', beamed Kili. "What is it like? Living in the future, I mean."
"Well, for one, I never rode ponies or horses." I grinned at the shocked faces of Fili, Kili, and a dwarf they called Ori, who had chosen to ride beside us.
"Then how did you travel long distances? Or did you even travel at all?', Fili asked curiously.
"Normally I traveled by car— a metal machine that runs on a type of fuel called gasoline."
"What is gasoline?"
"Something that comes from underground?', I shrugged. "I think it's a petroleum... you don't know what that is either, do you?"
As I continued to explain the basics of how a car worked Ori had pulled out a leather bound journal and was scribbling odd runes onto the parchment.
"What did you do for fun?', Kili jabbered, his eyes lighting up with excitement.
"I'm on the local softball team." When they showed no sign of recognition I sighed. Was I going to have to give detailed explanations for everything? "I also like to go kayaking with my brothers on weekends—"
"You have brothers!?', Kili cut in, a wide grin splitting his face.
"Six of them.', I groaned. "And they're all older than me!"
"That cannot be so bad!', laughed Fili as he turned around in the saddle to give me a teasing smirk.
"It is when they're all older than me!', I argued. "I'm the 'baby' of the family. It seems like they are always hovering!"
"I know how that feels.', I heard ginger haired Ori mutter underneath his breath, shooting a weary glance at a dwarf who rode ahead.
"It is only natural for older brothers to be protective of their 'baby' siblings, Ori.', Fili sniggered, leaning sideways so he could poke Kili in the ribs.
"Perhaps, but Dori takes it way too far.', the addressed dwarf groaned. "The last time he fussed for an hour over a paper cut. A PAPER CUT!"
"Dori must be a special case.', Fili comforted him before directing the conversation back towards me. "I think that maybe your brothers got their protectiveness from the dwarven side of the family. We dwarves are quite protective of our womenfolk."
"Aye.', Kili nodded. "Which is why many of those in the company do not wish you to travel with us— they believe you should be somewhere safe. More than one dwarf was shocked when Thorin agreed to allow you to come along, even myself."
"That makes sense. But my brothers go above and beyond 'protecting'. I swear that they purposefully chase off every boy who comes near me!', I complained.
"I suppose that that job is now ours, as you are here and they are not.', Fili teased.
"Don't you dare!', I protested. "I do not want to be the creepy old lady with a million cats because y'all scared off any possible boyfriends!"
But my cousins only laughed at my words.
"Speaking of brothers, what are they're names?', Kili inquired.
"There's Dan, Colby, Matt, Kent, Austin, and Levi." I ticked off their names using my fingers. "The first four are married with several kids between them, Austin is engaged and graduating college, and Levi is still in highschool."
Thankfully, I was saved from explaining what a 'college' and 'highschool' were by Ori's next question.
"Their names don't rhyme?', he gaped. "Normally dwarf brothers have rhyming names!"
I almost laughed when I thought of my beanpoles for brothers being called 'dwarves' when they're all over six-feet tall!
"But can you imagine having to name six boys?', I pointed out. "Let alone making those names rhyme!"
"I suppose .', Ori murmured thoughtfully before he clucked gently to his pony, making the animal trot forward a good ways ahead.
"Hey!', Kili suddenly exclaimed, a twinkle entering his dark brown eyes. "Your name does rhyme with our names, though!"
Not liking the look that had come over his face, I narrowed my eyes at him and wiggled uncomfortably in the saddle.
"Fili, Kili, and Collie.', he tried, seeing how the words rolled off of his tongue.
"Ah!', Fili smiled. "Since I am Fee on certain occasions, and Kili is Kee... you should have a pet name too!"
"How about Lee?', Kili offered innocently.
"No!', I was quick to disagree. "Lee is not right for me! Sounds too... masculine in my opinion."
"Well we cannot have Kee and Cee... the names are too close.', Fili mused, twirling his braided mustache in-between his fingers thoughtfully. "Ah-ha!', he cried, snapping his fingers together. "How about CeeCee?"
"That would be a double heck no!', I yelped.
"Well what do your brothers call you?"
"Squirt.', I blurted before I could think about it. They're faces bloomed into devious grins and I groaned. "But only they can call me that!"
"Sure, sure.', Kili sniggered.
"Do your brothers own any weapons?', said Fili.
"Some." I suddenly wondered if they had such things as gunpowder here... most likely not.
"What is their weapon of choice?"
"I think they prefer .22's, most of the time.', I said thoughtfully, forgetting that they probably had no idea what I was talking about. Heck, most people didn't even know what a .22 was until you tacked the word 'gun' or 'rifle' to it— unless you lived down south with the rednecks like I did: everyone knows what it is then.
"How does one fight with a number?', Kili questioned, pursing his lips as he tried to figure it out on his own.
"Oh lord.', I huffed. "I'm gonna have to explain everything I say to you, aren't I?"
"So have you ever used these guns to hunt?"
I had finally finished explaining exactly what a modern firearm was when Kili began asking questions again.
"Uh... yes.', I finally answered.
"What was your first time like?"
I cringed: why does everyone always ask me that?!
"Well.', I began, scratching my head as I tried to find a way to explain this without making myself look like an idiot. "My oldest brother took me out for the first time whenever I was fourteen. It didn't... go well.', I finished lamely, pulling a face at that particular memory.
I had gotten so bored after sitting in the shooting-house — for hours without anything appearing— that I wouldn't shut-up. Dan had finally taken off by himself, leaving me alone for several hours. By the time it was dark, every noise in the woods had been amplified and I was shaking, thinking that a panther was going to come out and eat me. In the end, it was Dan who had jumped out from behind a tree and scared the living daylights out of me: not the smartest thing to do when an Alabama chic has a shotgun, as he soon found out. I gave a wry chuckle— he had quite literally dodged a bullet with nothing but a hole in his toboggan to show for his effort not to die by a fear-crazed teenager. But then again, he was probably safe as long as I was actually aiming at him.
By the time I had finished my story, the sun had set and Thorin had called for us to set up camp.
"Collie!', Thorin called.
Is he always this grumpy? Or did I do something wrong... again?
"Help Bifur gather fuel for the fire!"
I hummed in acknowledgement, politely asking the first dwarf I came across where I could find Bifur.
"He's over there, lass.', Glóin replied, nodding in the direction of a rather wild looking dwarf.
"Him?', I whispered incredulously, eyeing the half-crazed looking dwarf whose fogged over eyes simply blinked at me.
"Aye.', Bofur said as he suddenly appeared. "That be my cousin Bifur."
"Is that an axe? In his head?', I managed to whisper faintly.
"Oh that little souvenir? It's nothing to be worried about!', Bofur said, brushing it off as if there wasn't a piece of sharp metal imbedded in the dwarf's head. "But you might have a wee bit o' trouble understanding him; he can't speak the common tongue anymore— brain damage, you know."
"An axe... in his head."
"It doesn't bother you, does it, lass?', the dwarf with the odd hat asked nervously. "It scares some people."
"Bother me? I think it's cool!', I grinned. "A little odd maybe... but my brother Matt has a BB in his knee, and that's even worse because he sticks a magnet to his skin..." I shuddered. Matt had always been the brother who made my skin crawl with all of his crazy stunts, and let's just say that firing a metal object at another metal object (Well, duh! It was obviously going to ricochet!) was not his brightest moment.
Completing the simple task given to me, I headed back to camp with an armload of firewood, dumping the sticks near Glóin, who seemed to be quite handy with a tinderbox.
"Here you go!', Fili declared, plopping down into the grass beside me after he had handed me a bowl of soup. "How was your first day of traveling, cousin?', he grinned.
"Uncomfortable.', I griped, rubbing my sore thighs.
"Oh, you'll get used to it soon! Eventually you will be able to ride a pony like an expert!"
"Won't that be the day.', I snorted into my soup.
Because there wasn't a bathroom or privacy to change into pajamas, the time for my nighttime routine had been cut drastically. But that does not mean I abandoned all hygiene! Far be it from me, Collie Mae Baker, to not be the cleanest person in a group full of sweaty, stinky dwarves!
"Do you guys brush your teeth here?', I wondered aloud.
"Why on earth would we brush our teeth?"
"To clean them! Duh!', I frowned at Kili's question.
"I was jesting Collie!', he chuckled, though I was not the least bit amused. "Of course we clean our teeth!"
"But how?', I pressed.
"A stick.', he said simply.
"A STICK?!', I gawked. "How does a stick clean your teeth?"
"You chew it."
I blinked for a moment before I recalled reading about how Native Americans used to have 'chewing sticks' to clean their teeth. So I followed everyone else's example and chewed a stick, making it fray at the ends to create a substitute toothbrush. It tasted horrible, was obviously hard to chew, and made my gums prickle from the fibers, but hey, it got the job done. And that my friends, it the redneck's motto in Alabama: IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT MATERIALS, FIND SOMETHING ELSE AND MAKE IT WORK!
Happy with my clean mouth, I unrolled my bedroll and curled up. I'm not sure how much sleep I got that night, but I vaguely recall waking up to see Fili and Kili asleep on either side of me. Which might have been sweet, had they not both been snoring like saw mills.
"Is she ever going to wake up?', someone asked.
"No I'm dead.', I snipped sarcastically, rolling over onto my back with a low grumble of discomfort. I was all for sleeping in the 'Great Outdoors', but normally I liked to have a tent and an air mattress. Having no such comfort, I ended up with a few twigs in my back and neck— not to mention in my hair! A bedroll simply keeps you warm and separates you from the dirt underneath your body; it does nothing for the pebbles and odd lumps that I slept on. Not to complain or anything (Future Collie: Code word for 'I am totally going to complain!'), but if sleeping on the hard ground wasn't enough to cause me sleep restlessly, then the itching and burning of my poor legs definitely were!
I have never ridden an animal for such an extended amount of time, meaning that my tushie and legs were red and irritated by the time we stopped to rest last night. And for the record, sleeping on it didn't help at all!
With another groan, I slowly heaved myself up, rubbing the sleep out of my bleary eyes.
"What time is it?', I mumbled.
"Far past the time you should have gotten up.', I heard Thorin say grumpily.
"Don't mind him!', Fili chirped, looking far too chipper for his own good. "Uncle is always a troll in the morning!"
Said 'uncle' shot us a stony glare, making me flinch slightly.
Camp was hurriedly broken up as the ponies were saddled and readied. Grudgingly admitting that I needed help mounting my pony again, I was quickly seated upon the animal I had dubbed 'Itchy' (for obvious reasons, of course), and we set off for another day of adventure.
Did I say adventure? Ha! Slight miscommunication on my part. What I meant to say is that we set out for another long day of bug bites, itchiness, sore butts, and a dreary company. Why dreary? Because, dear reader, it is raining. And do you know what the only thing worse than rain is at the moment? Dori.
Dori, the dwarf who is not a forgetful blue fish, might as well have been Eeyore from The Wonderful Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Again, you may ask, what the heck does that have to do with a dreary company? Suffice it to say that Dori, the dwarf who is not a fish, is an absolute crank when it comes to being wet. I leave you to draw your own conclusions.