10. Choke
Chimney almost choked on the piece of gum in his mouth when Maddie slid the pregnancy test across the counter towards him. His eyes were wide and his hands shaking as he made the move to pick it up, there was silence from the two. Apart from the one conversation they had almost a year ago, they hadn't talked about having children. If he was honest, he hadn't really thought about it – they had only just recently managed to get Albert to move out.
The silence eventually proved too much for Maddie, "I know it's not exactly planned…" She started, not really knowing what to say, she had hoped an opening would be what her boyfriend needed to at least say something. She couldn't gage how he felt as he just stared down at the object he held in his hand. "But I don't think it's such an awful thing, is it?"
Her voice cracked, the tears threatening to fall down pale cheeks, "C-can you say something… a-anything?" Still, nothing. He couldn't even look at her. "Howie?" The woman sobbed, finally making a move to step towards him, only for him to take a step back. There was a pain in her chest, and she suddenly felt more alone than she had in a long time.
Everything had been going so well – work was amazing, she had more friends than she had since college and her relationship was a loving safe haven she had never felt before. Until right then. Howie was looking from her, to her stomach and then back at the test before he dropped it as though it had burnt him. "I can't do this."
Those were the first words from his lips and Maddie felt as though she was going to be sick. She hadn't exactly expected there to be a massive celebration from the very beginning but she had thought there would be some words of comfort or reassurance from the man who usually kept her grounded. "What does that mean?"
"I can't do this, Maddie, I can't… I can't be a father. I don't want this." Chimney was moving further away from her and she finally stopped trying to get nearer to him. She had thought for a second, if she could just take his hand and make him look at her, then he'd change his mind. But instead, she stood completely frozen, a hand moving to her currently non-existent bump.
"You don't want… us?" Her voice was a pathetic whisper, and he still wouldn't look in her direction. His head shook and his heart started to thump harder and quicker and he realised he was struggling to find air. His chest heaved, his hands moved to grip at the dining table he had managed to back himself over to, trying to stay present. He was a paramedic, he knew all the tell-tale signs of a panic attack and he knew how to calm someone else down during one, but no matter what, he couldn't think of any logical reason not to panic right then.
"No, you won't want me." He finally managed to get out, his hand moving to his chest as he heaved. The walls were closing in on him, Maddie was just a blur in his eye-line before he collapsed onto the floor.
Maddie was devastated, it wasn't the reaction she had been hoping for, it was nowhere near what she had expected from the man she loved. But despite her own feelings right then, she could see him struggling to breathe. "Howie?" When he collapsed, she ran quickly to be by his side, her hand moving to rub his back and her lips pressed against his forehead. "I'm here, you need to calm down, okay? You need to breathe with me…" She grabbed his hand and placed it to her own chest, taking deep breaths in the hope he would follow her lead.
It took a few moments, his fingers curled around her shirt and his other hand moved to yank her closer towards him causing her to stumble ever so slightly from her kneeling position, and almost into his lap.
Finally, he was breathing and Maddie took that as her opportunity to put some space between them. She couldn't help the anger that was building up inside her, but she remained close enough for him to reach for her if he needed. The brunette sat with her back pressed against the wall, and she let out a broken sob, covering her mouth with her hand. "You really don't want to have a child with me that much? I love you, Howard, but I'm having this child and if that means losing you… then I guess that's the choice I'll make."
She didn't want to lose him. She didn't ever want to know life without the amazing man who had made her feel so loved for over two years of her life. He had offered her more respect, love and security in that short time than in fifteen years of her relationship with Doug.
Her eyes were closed when he moved to sit next to her, "It's not you." He finally admitted, "I won't be a good father." His voice was quiet, tears fell down his own cheeks as he spoke and eventually, he took her hand in his own, "You deserve the world, Maddie and your child will too and I don't know how to be a father. I barely had one, what if I mess the kid up? What if I do or say something I'll never be able to take back or change?"
Maddie was exhausted, she bit down on her lip and still didn't look in the mans direction. It took everything inside her not to pull her hand from his as she listened to him. She didn't say anything, she felt sick and even though he was opening up to her, she still felt disappointed. She wasn't naïve enough to think everything happened the way it did in movies but she still longed for her boyfriend to take her in his arms and tell her it was going to be okay.
"I still remember every single time my father told me I wasn't good enough, I remember the dread of coming home with a less than perfect grade when I was about seven. I remember the way I kept trying to get his approval, even as an adult, even when I knew it would never happen. I was scared of him and loved him and wanted him to love me and I just… I don't think I can inflict that on any kid. I don't know how to be a good dad, I never had one."
A few moments of silence passed until Maddie finally spoke, "You know how to be a good person though."
The brunette took a deep breath and finally glanced towards him, "You think I want to be anything like either of my parents? I'm scared too but I thought… I thought you'd help, I thought you would at least crack a smile or something." She was crying again, "I just needed you to tell me it's going to be okay."
Chimney had never felt more of a failure than he did right then, the woman he loved was vulnerable and probably felt more alone than she had In a while and he had done nothing but aggregate the already fresh wound. "I just don't want to let you down, ever. But I already have tonight and I'll never be able to change that, I'll never be able to apologise enough."
"I'm sorry too." She mumbled, her eyes falling to a close when she placed her head on his shoulder, a soft sigh falling from her lips. "Maybe when we tell the story of how we found out we were having a baby, we leave out the panic attack."
He let out a gentle laugh, wrapping his arm around her to pull her as close as he could, "I'm terrified, Maddie, more so than I've ever been but I'll try so hard Maddie…"
His lips pressed to her hair, and he tightly closed his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling, he felt the way her body shook beneath his arm and he knew she was crying again. He made a vow in his head to make it up to her, to never make her cry again. A thousand apologies would never be enough but he was still full of anxiety and thoughts of what he would look like as a father. Would he try so hard not to be like his that he would damage his kid in other ways? Would he just naturally fall into the strict nature he had been accustomed to?
He didn't know how to be a father but he hadn't known how to be a paramedic either. He hadn't known how to be a good boyfriend or a loyal friend. Those were all things he had to learn, he could only hope he didn't let down the one person in the world he was terrified of disappointing. "I love you." She didn't reply, he didn't expect her to but she moved her head to bury her face further into his neck and that was enough for him in that moment.
"I can do this." He muttered, mostly to himself, wishing he believed the words. He wasn't so certain but he had to try.