A Million Miles Apart
A/N: Well, this was not fun. So I've been working on a one-shot for my friend CJtheStoryteller, and I finished it last week. But here's the thing: ever since I got this Mac, I started to write my chapters in Doc Manager since I found it easier to do that, and I guess it just kinda stuck. But lately my Mac's been acting a little weird, so I copied and pasted the story into Microsoft Word and finished it there. So I deleted the document I had in Doc Manager, saved the story on my computer and then tried to upload it on here, only to find it gone. Not thrown away or deleted, gone. Word can't find the document, and I can't recover what I had from Fanfiction, so it's literally just gone. I can rewrite it, but it feels pretty bad that my hard work for the last few months coming up with the story and finding time to write it, is all gone without any explanation. So... yeah, that's several months' worth of working gone down the drain. And the same thing happened when I wrote this chapter, so I almost had to start all over again. So my computer has started to work against me. Great.
Anyway, I have some happier news to deliver. It's less than a week 'til my high school graduation! Yay! But I still have things to do, like finish all the preparations for the graduation day, find a job and find out what I have to do to get my driver's permit. But still, I'm almost done with high school! I can't wait!
I hope you'll like this chapter and please review, favorite and follow!
Chapter 53, Grief, Heartache and Pain
"Journal Entry: May 1st, 2014
Okay, I am seriously starting to think the universe hates me or is out to get me at the very least. I don't know how else to explain my long string of bad luck. It has been less than a month since April left us, and I'm already feeling like she's been gone forever. I miss her so much that it feels like my heart's gonna burst. Thankfully the last few weeks have been rather hectic, so I've had a bit of time where I don't have to think about her so much. For instance, the mutagen that we dropped over the city mutated a squirrel and... well, it crawled into a homeless guy's stomach, where it replicated itself, and the guy vomited them up again.
Man, I'm only now realizing how weird our lives have become as of late. And that's excluding the Kraang, crazy ninjas and mutants that we've been fighting all year.
Uh, anyway, we've been a bit busy, so that's always at least a little good. But still, it has not been a good month for me. First April left us, then when we were out on patrol I, ahem, spotted her in the park where she usually studies, and I saw her with a guy. And it really looked like they were on a date! She was on a date with some punk human kid! Now, I know I have no say in what people she meets and wants to get to know, but still, she had never said anything about some other guy. Much less that she was dating him. And if I know April at all, she would not start dating anyone after just a couple of weeks. She always told me- all of us, really- that she wanted to get to know people really well before she decided to go on a date with anyone. So who was this guy? What's his name? How well does he know April? Why does he know her? I always thought she hated those 'bad boy' (ahem, Raphish) type of guys, so what was she doing with that guy?
I don't mean to sound like a jealous jerk here, but seriously, how come she was hanging out with someone like that? I had been trying to get her attention for months, and I'd really started to think I was getting somewhere until that accident happened, and now, not a month away from us, she decides to hang out with a guy like that? Why? I'll tell you why: because he's a human! And April has made it clear that she wants a normal life right now, so of course she clings onto the first 'normal' guy she meets. 'Cause at least he won't get her family into trouble or get her into situations where she might get killed. So that makes him better than me- I- I mean us!
And not only that, but Timothy escaped from the lab today. He had listened to my April-talk and decided he wanted her to be his friend. Without her being okay with it, of course. But it wasn't his fault- it was mine. I didn't think before I opened my mouth, and left mutagen out in the open for him to take. Just like the irresponsible idiot I am. And when we tried to fight him, I ended up having to freeze him just to make sure he wouldn't hurt anyone else. I have no idea if I can even help after this. I mean, even if I did manage to create a retromutagen, it would take years for him to thaw him out again. So, maybe Leo is right. Maybe there is nothing left to save. Maybe Timothy is lost cause. Maybe I've failed him beyond repair this time.
And it's not like my brothers have been the least bit helpful about the issue. All they ever seem to do is laugh at my misery or question my ways to let out my emotions. Like I'm some crazy nut or something. Raph even had the audacity to call Timothy, and I quote, 'a pile of guts in a jar'. I mean, he kind of is, but you don't need to say it! I know what I've done to him, an innocent, and I know just how severely I've ruined him! And whenever my brothers would even mention Timothy, they would talk as if he was a thing or monster, not a person mutated into a... creature. It's not like he asked to be turned into that kind of mutant. I mean, yes, he wanted to turn into a mutant, but he still didn't want to be turned into a blob of organs and bodily liquids. He just wanted to be like us, because he looked up to us, and I allowed him to be misled for too long. It was never his fault that his life turned out the way it did.
Look, it's not like I don't understand where they're coming from. I mean, from their point of view the relationship between me and Timothy must seem pretty weird and kind of one-sided. And in the end our friendship had only resulted in hardships or problems for us. And admittedly he was kind of annoying, overzealous and kind of dimwitted. So I can understand why they didn't really like the guy and only saw that one side of him and didn't understand why I defended him so much. But what was I supposed to do? Let an innocent guy wander into danger like that? Or let him throw his life away by entering a dangerous war? I was only trying to help him not get himself killed. I never wanted any of this to happen to him. I took responsibility for him, and I failed him. No matter how he made me feel before, it doesn't change that what I let happen to him was wholly undeserved and cruel.
I can understand why my brothers don't like Timothy; I really can. But he had been a really good friend for me when I needed to talk about my feelings, despite the fact that he couldn't talk. In fact, if anything, the fact that he couldn't talk made me feel better around him. Sure, it would have been great to hear him talk back a few times, but it was still great to have an actual person to talk to without feeling like he could make fun of me or mock me because of what I said or what I felt. Not like my brothers, in other words. Sure, it all backfired spectacularly, but it had still been nice. But of course nothing good ever lasts for me.
And, like I said, my brothers are no help at all. Right now there's nothing but teasing, mocking, yelling and orders thrown at me with very little reassurance or compassion. I know it's all part of being a family, driving each other crazy, but it's still hard to find the drive to keep trying when they never let up or give you a five minute break every once in awhile. They don't respect me, they don't respect my friends (sans April, but she was really OUR friend, not just mine, so she doesn't really count) and they certainly don't respect my inventions or what I think. All it ever is, is 'Donnie, do this', 'Donnie, do that', 'Donnie, stop talking!' 'Donnie, fix this' and the always popular 'Donnie, speak English!' Rinse and repeat, every single day for the past few months. I feel like I'm turning more and more into servant rather than a brother.
Ugh, I'm really starting think that I'm not meant to have friends. At least not ones I can believe will stay with me. April's gone, Metalhead has been reduced to a lab servant and Timothy has turned into an ice sculpture. There's nothing left for me. I have no one to talk to. ...I don't blame my brothers for not wanting to deal with my problems, though. I mean, they have their own problems and shouldn't have to deal with mine. They're not even that big- it's not like I have amazingly huge issues that need to be solved right this moment or bad things will happen or anything like that. And I have been fully capable of fighting my own battles for all of my life, so it's not like I can't handle this on my own. I've been alone for most of my whole life and have fought my problems and learned to use my mind as my greatest weapon. And the one thing I know I can rely on is my mind and the things I've learned. So I've learned to rely on my brain and my mind to guide me through life and through tough choices. As Laurence Sterne once said: "In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.""
I sighed, closed the journal and leaned back in the chair. This was obviously not helping me get my mind off New York, so why bother anymore? I didn't want to feel worse than I already did.
Today had turned out to be a rainy day, so Splinter had once again refused to let me, Mikey or Leo go outside. April and Casey, outside of doing a few chores, like getting firewood and gathering the chickens up inside their coop and locking them in, had no desire to go outside either. So we were all crammed inside the living room and trying to find something to occupy ourselves with. Mikey and Casey were playing one of the old video games that April had left here when she was a kid, and both seemed to be blind and deaf to what was going on around them. April was reading a book beside them on the couch and she seemed to have tuned them out, or she had at least gotten so used to them and their loud voices that they didn't bother her anymore. Master Splinter was drinking tea and trying to meditate on one of the rugs, but he had asked to turn on the radio so he could listen to the news while doing it.
"So that we might hear some news about New York," he'd said. But the one news channel we found on the radio that spoke anything of New York seemed to be too busy playing soft, sad piano songs to respect the victims that had lost their lives or were trapped in the city, or the families that were split up because of this 'unexplained tragedy', as they called it.
Leo was sitting in a chair in front of the fireplace and staring straight into the bright flames without really seeing anything. A single glance at him made me realize how different this Leo was from the Leo I had grown used to over the past year. His confidence seemed to have fled from his eyes and his posture had gone from straight, proud and strong to slumped, lazy and sloppy. His eyes were reddened, had dark circles around them and his cheeks were wet with tears. His skin was a lot paler and he had lost a significant amount of weight over the past three months. He wasn't scrawny, per say, but still looked too thin to be healthy. But the worst thing wasn't how he looked- it was the negative energy he seemed to radiate. His eyes were dull and unseeing, but they were still full of grief and heartbreak. He didn't look like Leo anymore; he looked like someone else entirely. Someone else who had long since been broken.
I looked at him over my shoulder, sighed and turned away. I had no idea what to do. I knew Leo was upset about everything, but his grief was so much deeper than it should be. And I felt bad for the guy. Not only was he still trying to deal with Donnie's supposed death, had to lead us into a massive invasion just after we lost said brother, which was probably really hard for him, but he also found out that the reason why Donnie was gone was because of the girl he had been crazy about for so long now. Imagine what that does to a guy. But I had no idea what to say to him or what to do to make him feel better. I had never had a crush, or cared about anyone in that way before, and I had been against Karai since day one and had tried over and over again to tell him that trusting her was a bad idea. So what could I say to make Leo feel better? Like, at all?
I leaned back in my chair as far as I could and sighed again, absentmindedly starting to listen to Mikey and Casey's banter and quips about their game. But I was still thinking about my brothers- one of them in particular.
Donnie said in his journal that he had been struggling with his problems alone for almost his whole life, and that alone was enough to make me feel bad. Where it should be enough that he trusted a big blob of guts and organs more than us, he also wrote down that he trusted us so little that he'd rather deal with his problems alone than ask us for help. I guess we had mocked him and teased him so much that he was afraid we would do the same for his actual problems or how he felt about things. And, in retrospect, I couldn't blame him. I mean, one time when he had reached out for support about his crush on April, I had called him sadorable and told him to leave me out of his 'pathetic attempts to woo April'. Of course he didn't trust me with his feelings for her or ask me for advice on what to do with them. And chances are that he was worried Leo would react the same way and Mikey wouldn't listen or take it seriously. But still, the fact that he didn't even seem to trust Splinter with his problems was more than a little worrisome.
When we were kids Donnie had always been off doing his own thing. He never asked for us to join him, he never asked if he could join us and he never complained about being alone. Oh sure, we had played together, but it was usually because we wanted him to join or because Splinter forced us all to do something together. To strengthen our teamwork, he said. But it's not like we never had fun together! I had quite a few memories of us having fun in the sewers or playing in the lair. But there were not many, to be sure, and Donnie did spend a lot of time on his own in his lab. I guess that's what happens when you're the only one in a family of ninjas that is not interested in being a ninja and want to focus on other things than your training. He's also the only one who's had a crush, so there's no one except Splinter that he can talk about it with. Well, except Leo, but I don't think Leo's the easiest guy to talk about these things, since he technically had a thing for our half-sister.
Still, Donnie shouldn't feel like he has to go through life alone. I mean, we're his brothers; his flesh and blood! If he can't trust us, then who can he trust? April? Anyone at all? Donnie had never been an outgoing guy, so how would he be able to make friends with anyone that he eventually felt was trustworthy enough to share these things with? I mean, if he didn't trust us with it?
I was yanked out of my thoughts as Splinter's voice broke through them. "April, would you please turn up the volume?" April looked up from her book and over her shoulder at Splinter, nodded and turned the volume on the radio up a few notches so that radio host's voice filled the room.
"-and our hearts go out to all the people who have been trapped in New York because of the quarantine and the families who have been split up because of the alleged tragedy in New York." Casey scoffed and rolled his eyes, putting his controller down on the coffee table.
"'Alleged tragedy'? Yeah, it's all so obvious that people who have no idea what happened were told to say this junk." April shushed him and turned back to the radio. In the corner of my eye I saw Leo turn to look away from the fire over his shoulder and towards the radio. His eyes were still empty and dull, but there was slight interest in them now.
"We all hope that the situation will clear up soon, that everyone can go back to their homes and everything will go back to normal. For now, all we can do is have faith in our military and their ability to sort things out."
I rolled my eyes and folded my arms over my chest. "Yeah, in other words, the people in New York are doomed until we can get there to save them." Splinter turned to look at me with tired and annoyed eyes, but didn't say anything. He just got back to his meditation as the speaker stopped talking and music started to play again. Mikey and Casey turned back to their game and April turned back to her book. But she forgot to turn down the volume and I felt my muscles tense as a soft piano song started to play. I knew exactly which song this was. I groaned and turned away from the radio and tried to tune out the music, but then the singing started.
"It's been a long day without you, my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."
"We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. When I see you again"
Everyone in the room tensed and froze in whatever they were doing, all focus now on the music. April looked up from her book and Mikey and Casey paused their game. Leo's posture got extremely stiff in his chair and his stare into the fire got even more intense. He clenched his fists so tightly they started to turn white and I almost thought he was gonna break the bones in his hands. But he didn't do anything; just kept staring into the flames as if he was trying to ignore the song. Not that it seemed to work.
But that was nothing compared to Splinter's reaction to the next few lines.
"Why'd you have to leave so soon, yeah? Why'd you have to go? Why'd you have to leave me when I needed you the most?"
"'Cause I don't really know how to tell ya, without feeling much worse; I know you're in a better place but it's always gonna hurt."
"Carry on. Give me all the strength I need, to carry on, oh, oh..."
Splinter kept his eyes closed, but he didn't look as relaxed anymore and his ears drooped. His whole posture and his facial expression became extremely strained and it looked like he was fighting against something internally, but tried not to let it show. He pressed his eyelids together as tightly as he could and his tail thumped lightly against the wooden floor, like that of an agitated cat, like it sometimes did when he was upset or worried but trying not to let it show.
"It's been a long day without you, my friend. And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again."
"We've come a long way from where we began. Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again. When I see you again."
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Leo looked away from the fire long enough to see Splinter's reaction and suddenly his miserable demeanor was gone and he looked more worried and concerned. Mikey also looked away from the TV when he noticed that Splinter didn't look entirely alright at the moment. April and Casey shared a concerned glance before April put down her book and Casey turned off the TV. April pressed her lips together and wrapped her arms around herself and tried to fight back her tears, which Casey noticed almost immediately and gently placed an arm around her. And for once she didn't seem to mind that he was touching her like that. The only people outside of her father I've ever seen her allowing to get that close to her was Mikey (mostly because she didn't always get much of a choice, since Mikey was Mikey) and… well, Donnie. I always assumed she didn't like to be touched and only allowed a few people to do it.
"How do I breathe without you? I'm feeling so cold."
"I'll be waiting right here for ya 'til the day you're home."
Splinter stood up from the floor so suddenly it made us all jump and turn our attention to him. He took a few deep and shaky breaths, still didn't look at us and his ears still drooped.
"I'm sorry, I must excuse myself. I… I need some fresh air." His voice sounded all wrong, too. He sounded weak and broken and not like the strong ninja we all knew he was. But he didn't wait for anyone to respond; he just hurried out of the room and we heard the front door open and close as he went outside.
We all stared after him for about a minute, then turned to look at each other again. Mikey got up from the couch and went over to the window to see where Splinter went. Thankfully he hadn't gone that far- he was just sitting on the bench on the porch at the back of the house. He turned to look towards Leo and me with concern clear in his eyes.
"Dudes, he looks upset. Like, really upset. Think we should do something?" I sighed and leaned back in my chair again. It was a tricky question. I mean, we all knew why he was upset and why the song had suddenly made him so sad. But what could we do to help him? Splinter went into his own chambers when he was upset, sad or anything else, so we didn't have much experience with comforting him- so would we really be able to help him? April wiped her eyes and turned down the volume on the radio again.
"Maybe he just needs some time alone. I mean, sometimes people need to be alone with their grief." Leo shook his head and completely turned away from the fire, looked at us and spoke for the first time in a long time.
"I don't know, April- it doesn't seem like such a good idea right now. Sensei's been going off on his own when he's felt sad for months now without saying what he feels about this. Now, I'm not a psychologist by any means, but I don't think that's so healthy for anyone." Mikey nodded and walked over to us.
"Yeah, Leo's right. He's always telling us that we need to rely on each other, be there for each other- we need it. So shouldn't we do the same thing for him? I mean, he is our dad. He's always there for us when we need him, so shouldn't we be there for him too?" Leo and I looked at each other and nodded.
"Mikey's right. We need to be there for him too. And it looks like he really needs some support right now." Leo got up from his chair and grabbed his crutch. I nodded and got up as well.
"Yeah, alright." I turned to the window to get a look at Splinter and Mikey was right- he looked really down in the dumps right now. I had only seen him like that a few times, and it still felt really weird.
April got up from the couch and looked at us. "You want us to come with?" Leo shook his head and tried to smile.
"No thanks, April. No offense, but I think he really needs us right now. I mean, I know he sees you like an adoptive daughter and all that, but I think it'd be a little stronger if it was just us."
April nodded understandingly and brushed some hair out of her face. "Alright. Casey and I'll just get started on lunch, then. You take all the time you need." Casey looked up in surprise when he heard his name being brought up, but didn't get much time to react before April grabbed him by the arm and dragged him towards the kitchen, much to his dismay.
Leo, Mikey and I took a good look at each other, nodded to each other and headed towards the door.
One of the benefits of my mutated body was the fur. It had helped me stay warm during the harsh seasons of the year and helped me keep my sons warm as well. It also helped right now, during this early autumn. Most of the snow had washed away last night and today, but the temperature was still low. And the rain didn't make it better. But the fur was a bit of a plus right now. But even still I felt cold inside, and no fur or clothing could help with that.
For the last three months my heart had been aching and my dreams had been full of memories from my past mixed together with what my sons had told me about that fateful day in the tunnels. It still didn't ache less than it had the day I received the news. Donatello's absence was still a glaring one and I still missed hearing the sound of his voice or seeing his big brown eyes or his bright, radiant smile every day. In my mind I could see and hear him speak to me, tell me what he would say or do if he was in the situation in question. Or, instead of hearing my own voice in my head, I heard his and he would be the voice communicating my thoughts to me for quite some time.
I believe it's every parent's worst nightmare: seeing their child die before they do. Outliving your own children shouldn't be something that could happen and no parent should ever have to go through that pain and suffering. To be forced to go through the unimaginable. I've tried my hardest for the last sixteen years of my life to keep my boys as close to me as possible and protect them from the cruel, twisted world they were born into- and whenever the fear of them being put in danger entered my mind, I tried to push it as far away from me as I could. I had already gone through that pain before and I couldn't bear going through it a second time. And yet, it had happened again. First Miwa and now Donatello. Would Fate be so cruel as to try to take away all my children from me? What would I do then?
My eyes wandered over the lawn in front of me, and the forest growing just at the edge of the property limits, and still I didn't see much. Instead I saw memories play before my eyes like old home movies. Donatello's first word (my name; and hearing it said in that sweet, innocent little voice had nearly brought me to tears- right now it was bringing me to tears), the day he learned to crawl, to walk and the day he'd chosen the bo staff as his weapon. He had been so proud each of those times and he had always looked to me, as if to say, 'look, Daddy, aren't I great?' and wanted me to say that 'yes, you are, my son. I am so proud of you'. So he'd know that he had done something good.
Donatello had always tried so hard to please everyone around him and for the longest time I couldn't understand why. He was already so brilliant for one so young and while his ninja abilities weren't as good as his brothers, his determination and dedication despite knowing he wasn't the best was always enough for me. I didn't need an amazing ninja; I just wanted an amazing son- and he had always been, and that had always been more than enough. But recently, after thinking over what he had told me, what had happened in the past and how it had led up to the events that took place (not necessarily the tragic incident with the Kraang portal, but the tension between him and his brothers and how he felt alone and unloved in his own family- no child should ever feel like that), I can only assume he did everything he did just to make sure we wanted him around. That we cared about him for something.
When he was a child he had asked me why had I kept him around, and how was he useful in our family when he was nothing like his brothers? At the time I had been shocked that a six-year-old had been worried that he didn't belong in his own home, but I hadn't heeded the warning bells in my head as I should have. I hadn't brought it up with his brothers and questioned what they had told him that might have warranted those questions. How long had Donatello suffered in silence? How long had he asked himself whether his family truly loved him or really wanted him around? And how had those thoughts and questions affected his spirit and psyche?
I sighed and drew my fingers through my fur and looked out over the lawn. "Oh, Donatello, how I wish you were still here. You are needed right now. No, not just needed- you are missed. And how I wish there was a way for me to tell you that you are loved, not just by me but by everyone in this family. And every day when I wake up and realize this is my reality I die a little inside. If only there was a way for me to trade your life for mine; I would do it in a heartbeat. You were so young; so full of life. I'm old and will be gone soon. Why did life have to take one so young?"
I sighed again and tried to hold back my tears, only for them to slip through my eyelids anyway. "I- I know I let you down. I know I turned my back on you when you needed me the most and didn't hear your cries for help. I know I don't deserve it, but if you could find it in your heart to forgive me…" I couldn't finish the sentence as a sob clogged up my throat and my voice cracked because of it. More tears slipped down and wet my fur. "...That would be more than enough." A soft autumn wind blew through my fur and I couldn't help but shiver because of the cold.
It was also hard to get through the days seeing how heartbroken and disheartened my sons were- and it was hard to blame them. The boys have been together since their pet shop days and have always had each other, whether it was always appreciated or not. So to have one of them gone forever must be just as hard, if not harder for them than for me. I knew I shouldn't wallow in my own misery and should try to be strong and supportive for my children, but it was hard working through this pain for a second time. They needed me to be there for them and be strong, but I couldn't. Not right now, anyway. I know everyone works through their grief at their own pace and that this kind of grief you never really get over, but I had to be there for my family. I was the only adult here and they needed a hand to guide them. But how could I?
Donatello, my child, how could Fate be so cruel as to take you away from me so soon? Why couldn't it have claimed me?
I may not be old enough for death to be right around the corner, but I've lived a long life while my boys' lives have barely begun. But life is rarely just and if I've learned anything from my life, it is that neither love, life nor death discriminates between the sinners and the saints. It takes and takes and takes without caring who it claims or how it affects them or the people around them. Life and death come to us all, but sometimes it comes to the wrong people and in the worst ways imaginable. But still, Donatello was just a child. He had barely begun truly living and his life, it seemed, had been full of neglect, hurt and heartache. I had tried to understand him, I had tried to be there for him, but it was hard to understand such a brilliant young mind. And it made things really complicated when he talked about ideas and theories that I couldn't understand, no matter how hard I tried.
"Sensei?" I jumped slightly and turned to look over my shoulder. Peeking around the corner of the house were my sons. Leonardo was leaning slightly on Raphael's shoulder, due to his bad knee no doubt, and Michelangelo was hovering over his other shoulder. Their eyes were on me and radiated with concern and worry. I quickly straightened my back and wiped the tears from my eyes.
"My sons, what are you doing outside? This temperature could be dangerous for you!" I tried to put on my 'stern Sensei voice,' but my previous sobbing had made my voice weak and slightly cracked, so it didn't come across as very stern. Michelangelo took a good look at my face, then hurried over to the bench and sat down beside me.
"Are you alright, Sensei?" He gripped my arm and rested his head on my shoulder. At first I was a little taken back by his sudden act of affection, but relaxed rather quickly. I gently pulled my arm from his grip and placed it around him.
"Yes, Michelangelo, I'm fine. I just… needed some time to breathe. To clear my head. I am fine, my son." Michelangelo just looked up at me with his big blue eyes, usually full of light and- as my sons would call it- goofiness, now looking at me with a raised eyebrow and a small frown. He then rested his head against me again and closed his eyes.
"Dad, you don't have to pretend for us. We know you're really upset." Dad? It had been years since any of my sons had called me that. But it wasn't that that really surprised me. His words and what he meant with them was something I had not expected to hear. But I didn't get any time to respond before Leonardo and Raphael came over and sat down beside us, Leonardo sitting down on my other side and Raphael beside Michelangelo.
"Mikey's right, Sensei. You don't have to act like everything is fine; we know it isn't. We know you're probably going through hell right now, pardon my French, and you don't have to pretend like you're fine." Leonardo placed his hand on my other arm. And for the first time in what felt like weeks, I saw a familiar flame in his eyes. The same flame that burned whenever he wanted to help his family, in any way possible. Raphael also nodded and tried to smile at me.
"Yeah, you're always telling us to be honest about how we feel. You shouldn't feel like you have to hide anything from us. We're your sons- you can trust us." Raphael sounded so genuine and gentle, it was like hearing his voice coming from someone else's mouth. His words took me by surprise. I was sure my grief had been obvious and, given my stories about Tang Shen and Miwa, they surely understood what I was going through. But I hadn't expected them to be this straightforward about it.
I will admit, I have tried to not let my emotions rule over me and affect my family, but I hadn't expected them to confront me about it. Donatello's death had affected us all, but I suppose I had tried a bit too hard to battle my emotions and grief on my own. Even Raphael had confided in Michelangelo and Casey about his denial and how he felt after all that had happened.
I sighed and placed both arms around my children and hugged them close to me. Michelangelo immediately returned the hug and Leonardo was also rather quick to return it. Raphael, who was sitting beside Michelangelo, went down on his knees and rested his head in my lap instead and wrapped his arms around my waist. All of a sudden, it was like they were just little children again, seeking the warmth of their father.
I still had to fight to keep tears from falling from my eyes, but this time I was simply happy to have my remaining sons here by my side and more than willing to help me- just as I had always tried to help them. So I suppose you should call them tears of joy rather than tears of pain. I pressed my eyelids together and tightened my grip on my boys.
"Thank you, my sons. I know we have lost much, but I am grateful to still have you in my life."
A/N: Boy did this chapter take longer than it should have! I blame writer's block and having problems with Word. But now it's here, and since I am also almost done with school, so I hope I will have more time to write.
I'd like to give a special thanks to my beta This-Violet-of-Mine, who gave me the idea for this chapter, by using music to display emotion. But I got the idea to try and display Splinter's emotions for a change, and while both Violet and I decided that See you Again would be a good song to use in this chapter, I also got inspiration for Splinter's part in this chapter from the song It's Quiet Uptown from the musical Hamilton, which I highly recommend you listen to, whether you read the chapter or not. It's just beautiful and is fittingly enough about a couple who've just lost their first child. Fitting, yet so sad!
I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!