A Million Miles Apart

A/N: Hi, I'm back! I hope you all had a good start for 2018! So, it's been a while since I've updated, and I'm sorry. I've had a severe lack of enthusiasm and been really tired. Also, I've been trying out working at another restaurant, which sadly didn't work out.

But now I'm back and I'm finally done with this chapter for you. 'Cause, like I've said before, I have no intention of leaving this story unfinished, especially after all the thought and effort I've put into it.

I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and please review, favorite and follow!

Chapter 60, Let the Walls Come Tumbling Down

I had no idea where I was heading but I just kept running. Tears were still blurring my vision and sobs were tearing at my throat while I desperately tried to keep them in. I was already showing more emotion than I was comfortable with by actually letting myself visibly cry and have tears falling in streams down my cheeks- I was not about to let myself be humiliated even more by openly sobbing as well.

I eventually found myself in a park just outside of the city and with less people around me, thankfully. I slowed down and just walked, and only after I found I was isolated enough, with no one- well, as close to 'no one' as there could be in a public park- to see me, did I allow myself to let go. I couldn't seem to stop the forceful eruption of wails and hiccuping breaths now that the floodgates had been opened, and it was hard to see anything at all through the thick lense of tears. What little I could see was a garish yellow- the path that still shined like gold in the sunlight- and occasionally bright blue- the small creek flowing through the park. Here and there were a few bridges that went over said creek, and I crossed one stumblingly, keeping my head down as a playing child suddenly ran past.

The child's laughter did nothing to alleviate my mood like it normally would have, as my thoughts were still on what I had seen not ten minutes ago. What had happened to New York had been nothing less than a punch to the gut- my family having a dance party and not missing me at all had cracked my heart, and seeing April happily kissing Casey had been the final blow, shattering it completely, and now I was left feeling empty and cold inside.

I walked along the creek and eventually kneeled down by the water's edge, resting my hands in my lap. The soft grass and the warm sun would also usually be enough to get me in a better mood any other day, but not right now. I took a few deep breaths so the sobbing would subside and tried to calm down. This isn't working! I ripped the mask from my face, cupped my hands in the cool, clear water and scrubbed at my face with it, hoping it would clean away any traces of tears and would make my eyes less red and puffy.

"It's only natural." I mumbled to myself, face dripping with water as I wiped my hands over my eyes to clear my vision. "She's a human, he's a human... of course she's gonna be attracted to someone of her own species, you moron! It's basic biology, for crying out loud!" My tears started to dry up and now only a few were falling down my cheeks and into the calm, flowing water below me. And still my heart ached.

Why did I ever think I stood a chance with someone like her? I knew it was never gonna happen, I knew she was never gonna look at me as a possible boyfriend, but I was still stupid enough to hope. Stupid enough to hope someone like her could find someone like me attractive. But I had just been fooling myself, allowing those cursed hopes to build up only to watch them crumble so many times, and every time be stupid enough to just… reach over and build them up again. From scratch, from the ground up. Because I was nothing if not stubborn. It was more than stupid- pathetic, really.

I wiped my hand over my eyes and took a deep breath. 'You were only being stupid, letting yourself wish like that. You knew it was only ever going to end up with you getting your heart broken. You're a mutant freak. You were never meant to find love in the first place. She's never cared for you like that- no one ever has. Not even your own family loves you enough to mourn you once you're gone.'

My degrading thoughts cut like knives through my heart, but I couldn't bring myself to cry anymore. I had run out of tears to shed.

And somewhere, deep inside, I felt something bitter rising up in my chest. No, I wasn't going to cry over them anymore. I had shed more than enough tears over all that I had lost since I fell through that portal, and where had that gotten me? Nowhere. Besides, they hadn't cried over me when I 'died', so why should I waste time mourning them back? Nobody gave one about whether I lived or died. No, if my life was supposed to matter to someone, it would have to matter to me, and me alone. Others couldn't be trusted to value my life like I did- and what reason did they have to care, anyway? Why had I ever assumed I could blindly trust anyone, that I would matter to anyone simply because I existed? How selfish.

No, this was just a painful lesson that I needed to be given. I had been too naive to even see that my own family didn't care. Leo had never once bothered to listen to me and always had to do things his way; everything was about him because he was the oldest and wisest AND SPLINTER CHOSE ME FOR A REASON, DONATELLO, DON'T YOU FORGET THAT. Raph bullied me, had never taken my side, and delighted in doing both because it was common knowledge that I couldn't beat him in a fight. Mikey was tactless and reckless and never once took responsibility for his actions. He came into my lab, wrecked my things or destroyed an experiment, and then blamed me for it- 'Dude, you should know better than to let me in here by now'. Master Splinter saw me as a failure of a son; I could never measure up to the ninja he wanted me to be. April was probably only my friend because she pitied me. And Casey… well, we already didn't like each other, so what else was new?

My eyes fell on my reflection in the river and the three scars intersecting my face. They had gotten easier to see, the effects of Mona's fire lily potion weakening with time. They were much redder and angrier-looking now.

It just seemed to add more fuel to the bitter fire burning inside me. While it wasn't my family who had inflicted them, they were still there to forever spite me. Zog slashed me across the face to traumatize, mark, humiliate me, just like so many others had in my life. My brothers, my friends, and, of course, my enemies. But where my enemies had rather clear-cut reasons for wanting to cut me down and defeat me, my family had no excuse- generally speaking, the allies of the protagonist (rather presumptuous of me, I know, but hey, this is my story that I'm telling) aren't supposed to do most of the enemy's work for them. Leo didn't have to act like a know-it-all dictator, Raph didn't have to be a ruthless bully, Mikey didn't have to inhibit my work and provide obstacles for me to leap over in order to do my job, April didn't have to play around with my heart and feelings like toys.

My hand clenched itself around my amulet and I closed my eyes as tightly as I could.

No, I was not going to waste any tears on them. I grit my teeth. Not anymore. They weren't worth it.

My face formed into a bitter frown as I let the bitter resentment flow through my veins.

"There he is!" A voice broke me from my thoughts, a cold wave washing over me and carrying the thoughts away in seconds. What had I been thinking about?

I turned to look over my shoulder and saw Jhanna, Starlee and Mona come running up to me. Jhanna reached me first, her face a potent brew of anger and worry. "Donnie, what were you thinking? You can't just run off like that! We were worried we wouldn't find y-"

Starlee placed a hand on her sister's arm, shook her head gently and kneeled down beside me. "Donnie, are you okay?" she asked.

I took a shaky breath and nodded, then realized I was still clutching the amulet and let go, if not a bit reluctantly, looking down at the ground and refusing eye contact. I started to twist my fingers in my mask and pick at the stitches holding it together. "I'm fine."

Mona sat down on my other side and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure? 'Cause after that little breakdown, I find that hard to believe." Normally when someone uses the phrase 'I find that hard to believe' they use a very condescending or teasing tone, but Mona was surprisingly soft and comforting, which was a rather strange concept to me. But I just shrugged her hand off and still fought to avoid eye contact.

"I told you, I'm fine."

Jhanna hummed suspiciously, walking around Mona so she could squat down in front of me. She then placed a finger under my chin, pulled it up and forced me to look at her. Her green eyes seemed to bore into my soul and I almost felt like she was tearing every one of my arguments apart before I could even make them.

"You've been crying." It wasn't a question. It left no room for argument, but I still refused to show them me at my weakest and jerked my face out of her grip.

"No, I haven't. I'm fine." I also made sure to use my calm, indifferent voice and not start screaming. The moment I raised my voice or showed any emotion at all, I confirmed that I wasn't okay. And so I stayed monotone, emotionless. They had no proof that I wasn't okay.

Or so I thought.

"Donnie, I can see your eyes are red. And you've got tearstains on your legs and your gear. I'm not stupid- I can put two and two together." I bit my lip and looked down at the ground, unexplainably ashamed. Starlee sighed, gently pushed Jhanna aside and took her spot beside me. She placed a hand on my cheek, waiting until I looked at her before smiling softly at me.

"Donnie, I know we've only been friends for a short time, and I fully understand if you don't fully trust us with something that hurts you this much. But keeping so much bottled up inside just isn't healthy. So if you need to let it out, I hope you know you can talk to us." My eyes flickered away from Starlee's and I looked down at the ground, biting my lip. I felt Mona place her hand on my shoulder and gently squeeze it.

"It's okay, we're your friends. You can trust us." And I really felt I should. These girls had decided to follow me on a dangerous journey that could likely end in death for all of us, had saved me a several times and really come through for me when I needed them, despite how they didn't have all the answers and had no idea why I reacted the way I did to some situations. And after seeing my reaction back at the bar, they deserved to know.

I took a deep, shaky breath and felt my protective walls come crumbling down, but kept looking straight ahead.

"I saw my family, back on Earth, and they don't miss me at all. They were having a dance party and having lots of fun, like I wasn't even gone. Or like I was never there to begin with." I tried my hardest to keep my voice steady, but it still managed crack a few times. No one said anything at first, but Mona's grip on my shoulder tightened a little, Starlee's face crumbled and her eyes widened. She sat down beside me and wrapped her arms around me, nuzzling her head into the crook of my neck.

"Oh my god… I'm so sorry, Donnie. I… I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what you're going through right now." I smiled gently at her and took a deep breath. I had to say it. Even though I didn't want to, I had to say it out loud. Make it real, for me and for them. And maybe convince myself that it was over. So I steeled myself and tried to fight off the new tears that threatened to fall. Remember, no more tears. They're not worth them.

"I… I also saw April, the love of my life, kiss someone else- my brother's best friend, her only real human friend. She kissed him, not the other way around... She chose him." I have no idea how I managed to keep my voice from breaking, but I was thankful I managed to maintain the few shreds of dignity I had left. Jhanna's face scrunched up with pity and she sat down beside her sister, awkwardly rubbing her hand over my shell.

"Man, Donnie, I'm so sorry. I… no one should have to find out like that." Jhanna was not that good at comforting, so even though her words and gestures weren't much and she was clearly uncomfortable, it still meant a lot that she was trying. I sniffed and rubbed my hand over my eyes to dry them of the new tears that were forming.

"Thanks, guys."

Mona rested her chin on my shoulder and leaned her cheek against my neck, her eyes full of concern. "Are you sure that's what happened, though? I mean, I'm not saying you're wrong or anything, but sometimes it can be easy to misinterpret what you see. Maybe they were just having a good time?" Her voice was soft and it was clear she didn't want to offend me. And while I could understand where she was coming from, I still nodded, took a breath to help me sober up a little and wiped my hand over my nose with a sniffle.

"Yeah, I'm sure. They've never cared about me, but I honestly thought they'd be a little upset by my disappearance. But I guess I was never that important to them." Jhanna looked at me with sadness and with more compassion than I had ever seen from her, then looked over her shoulder for a brief second.

"I'll be right back." She got to her feet and patted my shoulder, then turned around and ran off in the opposite direction. She returned just a few minutes later and Starlee gently let go of me and shifted a few feet to the side to give Jhanna a little space beside me. She had a bottle in hand, which she gave to me.

"Here, drink some of this. It'll make you feel better, I promise." I eyed the bottle and looked over the label, which didn't help much since it was in an alien language.

"What is it?"

She brushed her bangs out her face and shrugged with a soft smile on her lips. "Fruit punch. Don't worry, they sold this on D'hoonib too and I've had some myself before in my life. I know what it is and it's not gonna poison you, if that's what you think." She gently nudged my shoulder with a loosely clenched fist. "Go on, drink some and you'll feel better afterwards."

I looked back to the bottle again, a little hesitant. Living fifteen years in the sewers had taught me that it really wasn't a good idea to eat or drink anything that you couldn't immediately identify (and even then it was iffy). Well, that and living with Mikey and his insane idea of cooking. But the light red liquid looked close enough to some sort of fruit punch and seemed harmless enough, so I figured it couldn't be that bad. And since Jhanna had had it before it probably couldn't be poison either, so it was probably just me being paranoid. So, with a shrug, I downed some of it.

I barely got to try tasting it before a strong burning sensation swept violently through my mouth, and I had to slap a hand over my lips so I wouldn't spit it out. I managed to swallow it, looking at the bottle and only now noticing a little percentage down at the bottom of the label. I turned to Jhanna, holding up the bottle for her to see.

"There's alcohol in this?!" Jhanna shrugged and pursed her lips, like it wasn't a big deal, like I had asked if there was sugar in it.

"A little. Why, is that a problem?" I didn't know if I should be angry that she hadn't told me it was alcoholic or outraged that a sixteen-year-old girl was talking about alcohol like it was no big deal, like it just a matter of taste and not a danger to one's health. It did make me worry if she had been drinking stronger stuff before… Unlike her, I wasn't too keen on drinking that kind of poison- at least not without knowing about it first.

"Yes, it-" I stopped myself and looked down at the bottle in my hand. Master Splinter had forbidden us from so much as looking at alcohol until we were twenty-one, although I'm sure Raph had sneaked a few beers with Casey at least once. But Master Splinter wasn't here now to tell me what to do- and it wasn't like he'd ever know, right? One little drink couldn't hurt, and no one at home would ever need to know about it, so why worry or hang onto rules and obligations that didn't affect me anymore? I also figured, since Jhanna didn't have problems getting the drink in the first place, that was okay for teens to drink at least a little on this planet. Besides, after all that I'd done and gone through up to this point, I figured getting slightly intoxicated would not be my biggest sin. Plus it might numb the pain in my heart just a little.

So I shrugged, muttered "Eh, screw it," and took a bigger swig. The alcohol was a little tough on the tongue but once you got used to it, it wasn't all that bad. It had a nice, fruity tang that was quite satisfying. After a few swallows I felt my head get a little lighter and, against my will, what remained of my defensive walls got weaker. I was not one to curse or swear too often either, and also felt a little foreign on my tongue, but in this moment, after all I had seen and with the pain still plaguing my heart, I just could not bring myself to care. I didn't care about right and wrong. I didn't care about my father's rules. And I certainly didn't care whether anyone thought anything I said or did right now was inappropriate. They could scold me and cover Starlee's eyes and ears all they wanted if they had to. I didn't care.

The pain in my heart had, like I had hoped, started to numb and slip away as my thoughts got a little bit hazy. Not to say I was drunk or anything, but I was clearly not as clear in the head (or as defensive) as I normally was. But it was strangely nice to feel numb for a change and not constantly have my feelings get in the way.

Donnie lowered the bottle from his lips and took a deep breath. "Feeling better?" Jhanna tilted her head to the side with a knowing smile on her face, though she also seemed a little uncomfortable. She knew she was testing the waters and didn't want to unintentionally strike a nerve. He nodded and put the bottle down in the grass beside him.

"Yeah, a little. Thanks." He took another breath and looked up at the sky. His cheeks were a little rosy- or, well, as rosy as they could be since they were green- and his eyes, while still sharp and focused, seemed a little glazed. He seemed to have calmed down a little, the taut muscles of his neck and shoulders slowly loosening, and he wasn't showing signs of being ready to cry anymore, but something was clearly on his mind, and it was just as clear that it was bothering him. I reached out my hand and gently rubbed his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" He pursed his lips before nibbling on his lower lip. He didn't look at us and he seemed to be in different world right now, not seeing or hearing anything around him. Then, suddenly, he let out a soft, almost self-deprecating laugh and looked back at us.

"You know, my father once told me that as long as there's a star in the night sky, I could always rest assured knowing that he loved me, and that he would always be there for me. Well, I've been surrounded by the stars for months, but he ain't here!" He threw his hand out and towards the sky, making Starlee jerk back a little so he wouldn't accidentally hit her in the face. "And he can't be here, because he's back on Earth! And I can't go back there because of this stupid mission!"

He pulled his knees up to his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. "I've never been away from my family for such a long time, let alone from my planet. And no matter how hard I try, I can't that homesickness out of my head."

I glanced at the others and they looked back at me. No one said anything, but we didn't have to. We all felt the same pity for this poor guy. Donnie had, despite how warm and kind he was, been very defensive and rarely let any of us know much about his life before he ended up on D'hoonib. And now he had shared his probably biggest secret with us and was left looking so defenseless and fragile. Jhanna and I looked at each other and we both seemed to think the same thing, so she wrapped an arm around his shoulders, partly hugging him and lightly shaking him.

"You know, no one's forcing you to stay here. You can go home anytime you want; no one's stopping you. We could handle the mission for you if you want." Her voice was weak and it was clear that she didn't want him to leave us with the mission, but not for the selfish reasons one might think. I had started to notice Jhanna developing feelings for Donnie so I understood why she felt this way.

Whether Donnie noticed this or not, he just shook his head and looked at her for the first time in a while. "You know I can't do that. I can't just leave Earth to its fate, or hand over the responsibility for my stupid mistake on someone else. I messed up, I have to take the consequences for it, and clean up the mess I made. I have to stop the Triceratons, whether I like it or not."

Starlee moved closer to him and placed her hand on his knee. "Well, we're not too far from Earth from here, and we already have the first piece of the Black Hole Generator. We could always make a quick stop at Earth and bring your family onboard. We could always use more fighters on our side." Donnie's head snapped in her direction so quickly I almost worried that he would hurt himself. His eyes were so wide and full of horror that I almost got scared too, even if I didn't know why he was afraid. Starlee jerked away, taken back by Donnie's sudden reaction and Jhanna leaned back a little, more confused than surprised.

"Wha- Are you insane? No! No, absolutely not! I am not bringing them into this war! It's bad enough we have to tell them it's my fault all of this is happening, but bring them into it, where they have a big chance of getting killed?! No way, I am not bringing them into this to clean up my mess. Besides, can you imagine the reactions I would get the minute they got onboard? Splinter would be so disappointed in me, I bet he wouldn't even look at me or talk to me. Or he would lecture me 'til I go deaf, and be all 'Donatello, how could you be so irresponsible? Now you have placed the Earth in great danger all because of your recklessness and irresponsibility!' And Leo would totally be on his side and say 'I should take over as leader, you obviously have no idea what you're doing.' Raph would kill me and tell me, 'I knew you were a screw-up, but I didn't think you'd be this incredibly stupid!' and Mikey would go, 'dude, even I wouldn't screw up that badly'.

Once he was done with his little rant he was panting a little, but horror and pain were still evident in his eyes and the lines of his face. I'd never noticed how much older he looked when he was like this; much too old. Jhanna looked at him with a neutral expression, a raised eyebrow and her head tilted slightly to the side.

"Wow... I can just feel the sentiment. Truly a loving family, able to withstand any and all hardships thrown at you." I rolled my eyes at her biting sarcasm and grabbed his shoulder, lightly shook it.

"Why did you stay there if they treated you like that?" I was genuinely concerned for his mental health. Something in the way he described his family stirred up worrying thoughts in my head. Thoughts of families that mistreated members and treated them like garbage; but that couldn't be right, could it? Donnie was just exaggerating, right?

But he shook his head at me, the horror in his eyes gone, and he immediately tried to cover it up with a smile that didn't look convincing at all.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I know they can be really tough sometimes and sometimes I wish I could strangle them, but it's not like we don't have our moments of being a loving family. Sure, they can be violent and rough and disregard me entirely, but they do care about me on some level. Heck, half the time it's kind of my fault in the first place. I mean, they've been there for me in the past and it's not like they w-"

Jhanna's face was scrunched up in confusion and while Donnie was trying to cover for his family, she shook her head and raised her hands in a 'stop' motion. "Wait, wait, wait, so do they treat you badly or not? You're making this really confusing!"

Donnie froze in the middle of his rambling and didn't seem to know what to answer. The alarm bells in my head were louder than the meteor alarm back on the ship and it was hard to not show my worry. The way Donnie talked about his family and how he said they treated him and how he came up with excuses for them seemed like the textbook example of an abuse victim and that was troubling in every shape and form. Jhanna didn't seem to have caught onto that and Starlee was probably a little too young to, but I would have to talk about that later with Traximus and the Professor. It was really troubling to think that Donnie's family might be abusing him.

Donnie bit his lower lip and still couldn't seem to answer Jhanna's question, so Starlee swooped in to change the subject. "And what about this April girl, right? Does she treat you like that too?" He shook his head but he also let out a small laugh, obviously in a better mood now.

"Heh, no. April was a great friend and she's really nice. Alright, I will admit that we were a bit awkward at first, but you can't blame her. She's a human and humans are afraid of what they don't understand, and mutants usually fall under that category. But she became my best friend and she loved all of us. She's nice, she's compassionate, she's been there when I needed help in the lab and she's also really loyal and driven and an awesome kunoichi. I mean, she did leave us after we accidentally mutated her father, but she forgave us and came back again. She's amazing." His face became dreamy and his lips formed a soft, love-struck smile. Jhanna's expression, however, turned sour and she looked away from us, trying to hide her jealousy. Starlee was smiling and seemed happy that Donnie was in a better mood.

But then, suddenly, his mood took a turn and his smile faded again. "But then she met Casey, right after she left us that time, and she started to hang out with him more often than me. And it's not like I don't get it, he's a human and she's a human with very few friends at school so of course she wants to hang out with more humans and not just mutants. But it became clearer and clearer that she liked him more than me. She talked to me less and less and more with him. But still, doesn't mean I had to see them kiss like that..."

I looked at him and felt so sorry for him. Man, poor guy. He seemed to have really poor luck with friends and family. And I really wanted to talk to the girls about all this, but now was clearly not a good time. I looked up at Jhanna and Starlee and we nodded at each other. Jhanna wrapped her arm around Donnie's shoulders again and shook him.

"You know what you need?" He looked up at her and she smiled at him. "A break." She pulled him to his feet and I grabbed the bottle of fruit punch before it could get knocked over. Starlee bounced back up on her roller-skates and grabbed Donnie's arm, bouncing lightly on her feet.

"Yeah, Jhanna's right. You need to think of something else for a bit. Come on, we have a few hours before we have to get back to the ship and we're on the planet of fun and parties! Let's go back into the city and see what we can find!" She didn't wait for Donnie to respond and started to drag him back towards the city. Donnie's face lit up with a bright smile and he started to laugh at Starlee's antics, letting her drag him down the path back to the city, and almost had to run so he could keep up with her pace on those roller-skates. Jhanna and I were trailing behind them, half jogging to keep up with Starlee, and while I still felt like talking with both of them about what Donnie had said before, I was not against setting it aside for a bit so we could have some real fun for the first time in a long time.

A/N: Okay, it's finally done! I feel so sorry for tormenting Donnie like this, but this isn't even the worst thing I'm gonna do to him, and I both really want to get to that part and postpone for a little longer, because of how much it's gonna hurt to write it.

Anyway, I'm finally back with a new drive that I'm hopefully gonna keep. Because I really want to finish this story- it's my baby and I don't want to become one of those writers that stops writing a story and then leaves it unfinished… again.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!