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Robin watched Marian, his wife packing her suitcase while their son was playing in the next room. You could hear him talking to himself and blocks falling over. "I still question your motive for leaving, now when you said you'd wait a year."
"Robin, we've talked about this. It's an amazing opportunity. I'd be helping these kids and it counts towards my master's degree. It's only for six months." Marian moved around the room moving clothes to the bed.
Marian stacked shirts and pants in piles on the bed they'd spent two hours picking out together. He remembered how they'd argued over who wanted soft or firm. The day had been cold, and they'd sipped on hot cocoa as the sales rep read off the amenities of the mattress. They never heard a word as they shared flirty eyes and hidden touches.
It pained him to remember far off fond times, he observed the bed. The pile of shirts ranged from sweaters to long-sleeve tees that he knew were practical for warmer weather. The sweater his eyes locked on, he'd bought her for her birthday. The deep burgundy that did wonders for the shade of her caramel skin.
Frustrated and panicked, he picked up the sweater and threw it in the suitcase, ruining her system. "How are we going to fix us if you go gallivanting off in another country? And, six months is half a year. You said you'd never leave for that length of time."
He'd meant to stay in control, to keep his calm. When he'd given their son something to occupy him in the other room, he'd tried to hold on to his temper. He could hear him now giggling. It hadn't ever been in his character to lash out or raise his voice, but he was desperate and felt she was slipping away steadily in another direction. A panic was rising in him.
Marian sighed, "Robin, getting angry isn't going to solve anything. I've made my choice. Maybe it'll be good for us to step back and spend a little time apart."
"I don't want to be apart from you, I love you. Don't you get that? We've spent enough time apart this last year." His voice was edgy and throaty. He felt his skin burning like the desert and the clutch in his belly was fierce.
For months, he'd been trying to get through her impenetrable emotions. Time spent apart had started in small increments. He'd hardly noticed when she came in after midnight. He'd been caught up with his own job and schedule.
He'd known she was getting acclimated to school and he was happy to roll over and tuck her into his chest. To smell her hair and know that she would sleep soundly with his arm around her. It gave his heart a jolt thinking of how it had been. How long it'd been seemed to be foggy and couldn't manifest in his mind now.
When she started spending weekends in her office, he'd put his foot down. Mostly because she'd failed to call and check on Roland. That was worse than straying from him in his mind.
With all the dignity and respect he could muster, he'd kept his fear of her cheating to himself. It had crossed his mind, but he'd quickly found that she'd been spending her time with a friend of theirs and taken another online course. It saved him the embarrassment of accusing her of something she didn't do and starting arguments.
Proud of her accomplishments, he'd encouraged her to pursue her studies and had even tried to devise a schedule that would work best for them. He'd taken Roland to her most afternoons to accommodate her. He'd picked up dinner and spent evenings with her in her office. He didn't even mind it for a time.
It had worked perfectly. They'd pick up Chinese or Thai and sat on the rug huddled together and sharing laughs. Marian had seemed pleased at Roland's progress in preschool. It had been a happy time and the stress had been forgotten.
Robin longed to look in her smiling eyes and see her cheeks warm at his jokes or his presence. He watched her now moving about avoiding his gaze and acting like she wasn't affected as he.
For the first month of his accommodations, it was their time together as a family. That was until she'd started telling him not to come to the office so much. That it was too distracting, and she feared falling behind. He'd tried to understand, and they'd spaced it out until she'd canceled for nearly a month.
Quickly, his annoyance grew when she'd failed to come home a few nights a week and failed to ask about their son or speak to him. Her ability to spend time away wasn't acceptable. He'd expected her to be loving and present with her son and to pretend like she gave a damn about their marriage.
Roland had begun to ask why she wasn't around. It was heartbreaking, and he began to resent her for it. Fights often escalated when he'd mention it. She was defensive and argumentative, and he'd broached the divorce conversation a few times. Each time, she'd seemed genuinely upset and they'd try and work it out.
Now, he tried to ignore how it had been and looked at her amazed that she was acting casual about leaving her son and him for six months. It seemed like she'd already distanced herself. It was his turn to panic again.
"How on earth is it best for us to spend time apart? When have we spent any time together lately? You're never home and when you are your head is buried in a book or on that laptop of yours. I can't remember the last time you've spent more than an hour with Roland. You're neglecting your family, Marian."
Her hand stopped short of folding a pair of pants, "Robin…" Her voice broke but he didn't show the emotion storming inside him. He clenched his jaw and bit his tongue. "Roland and you mean a lot to me. I'm trying to be the best I can be. This trip can do a lot for my career."
Nerves danced under his skin, pricked along his neck. "You put your career before us. I don't want to put you in a position to choose, but you've left me little choice. We've talked about this before, but if you're ending this, have the courtesy to tell me."
Her mouth gaped open, "That's ridiculous. How many times are you going to throw that at me? I can't give up on this opportunity. Roland is little, he'll be fine. We'll work it out when I get back."
"It amazes me that you think that. What kind of woman cares little of her family's needs and feelings? We don't matter to you at all, do we?"
Her cheeks turned pink, her jaw hardened, "That's not true. I love him. I'm doing this for him. When I come back, I'll be able to do so much more with him and you. My degree will give us a better income. Why are you fighting me on this? You didn't before."
Robin took a deep breath to slow the boiling of his blood, "If it were just about you working on your degree, I'd be supportive. I've been as supportive as I can be. But, we both know we're drifting apart. I can't count the times I've confronted you about your neglect. You keep saying you love our son. What about me? Do you still love me?"
A twitch of her eye told him she was affected by his question. "Of course, I do," she said with no heat. She kept moving around and it angered him that she wasn't paying much attention to how rigid he was standing.
"Say it," he watched her avert her eyes. Her hands continued to fold her pants and put them in the suitcase.
"You know I love you, Robin." Her eyes darted to the belongings on the bed. Watched his hands fiddle with the pile of shirts, she sighed and took them from him and put them back in their place.
"That's a cop-out. Tell me, Marian to my face. Look at me." He took her hand and drew her to him, rested his hands on her waist. For weeks, he hadn't had her this close to him without her pulling away.
"I don't have time for this. I need to finish packing."
Anger flared in his gut, "Tell me you love me, Marian. Show me that you'll miss me. Or is this it?"
Her fingers dug into his shoulders. To his surprise, she leaned down into a kiss. For a moment, it felt as if she'd surrendered and allowed herself to fall into him.
Robin didn't feel her give and knew she wasn't freely giving herself to it. He felt her obligation to give him what he wanted. When she lifted, she pursed her lips, "Happy?"
The hurt radiated deeper than he'd anticipated. He felt his heart crack and his pain intensify. The sure way she'd been able to turn back to folding was baffling. He stared at her for a full two minutes, she gave him no such attention.
"No, but at least I know my answer. You go on that trip, Marian." He stood to pace and tried to keep his blood at a simmer. The boiling had dimmed under the hurt. He could hear Roland drop something in the other room and utter an oops. His heart hurt for his son more than it did for him.
Taking a step toward the door he turned, "You should know that I might not be as welcoming when you come back."
Marian crossed her arms over her cream-colored shirt, the shirt he'd given her just last month as a gift. He watched her eyes flicker with surprise. "That's not fair. You were supportive of me applying for this position. Now, I'm going, and you're pissed. I can't keep up with you."
Robin slid his fingers into the rings of his jeans and planted his hand on his hip, "I didn't think you'd actually go now and for six months. You didn't even bother to tell me you'd been accepted. You sprung it on me yesterday and pretended like you haven't known for weeks."
She opened her mouth, but he put a hand up to stop her. "It takes a week to get shots and your passport updated. I'm not an idiot, you didn't have it together and we both know it. You couldn't handle the argument you'd've had with me. So, you kept it to yourself and sprung it on me. Then, you lied to my face and said that you'd just found out." That hurt too.
Marian sighed, "I wanted to avoid this…" She spread her hands between them. "This theatrics performance from you on how wrong I am." Her nostrils flared as she tossed in a couple more pairs of pants.
"So, you lied to your husband, ignored your son, for what? To avoid the fact that we'd miss you? That we love you more than you love us? Admit it, you just didn't want to tell us."
"I…" She couldn't look him in the eye and that made it worse.
"Go, Marian, and teach these kids. Get your degree and make a difference, I know you will. I hope that you remember what you're leaving behind when you're off in Africa. It might not be here when you get back." He was almost spitting the words at her now, his face heated and his neck rock hard.
Then, he heard Roland's feet stepping slowly down the hall and he emerged carting a blanket over his shoulders like a cape. Atop the blanket was the cause of the thumping on the wall, a puzzle box filled with random toys.
Her eyes shot to Roland who was standing in the doorway with wide confused eyes. "Mama?"
The look on her face told Robin that she did care about their son, but he questioned how much.
"Roland, come here, love." Robin tried to ignore the fact that she avoided looking his way. He sat on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands turning his back to them.
Roland paddled across the floor pulling his cape with him glancing at his father and back to his mother who was taking his small body into her arms. She sat with him in her lap and hugged him.
Robin's heart broke at her words.
"Mama's gonna go to Africa and help some kids that need me and for school. I'll be gone for a while, but your papa will take care of you. You think you can be a big boy?"
Roland looked at Robin's who turned to look at them and his lower lip began to tremble, "Can I come with you? I could help. I'm a big boy now."
Robin's heart clenched. The hollowness of his stomach left him with an ache.
"No, baby. I can't take you with me, but I want you to take this." Marian took a necklace made of tweed from her drawer. A pendant in the shape of a bow and arrow hung in emerald and gold. She slid it around his neck, "When you miss me, I want you to hold onto this and remember that I'm thinking of you."
His whimpers came with sniffles and a sob, Robin heard it against her chest and a tear slid down his own cheek at the pain his son would endure. Marian simply closed her eyes for a minute and put him down on the floor. "Why don't you go and find your blocks? Mama needs to finish packing. I love you, Roland." She kissed the top of his head.
With fat tears, he choked, "I love you, mama." When she turned back to her packing, he looked at his father and walked into his arms.
Robin hugged him tightly. "I'll be there in a minute, Roland. Pick out some books and we'll read before dinner. Yea?" The boy nodded in his forest green shirt with trees and deer artistically placed on the front. They designed it together just for him, as a family. It now left an emptiness in Robin's heart.
When Robin heard his door close, he turned back to Marian who had already closed on the suitcase and moved onto another. Her face was sober, with no tears, no visible emotion. His anger spilled out.
"How could you be so cold?" When her eyes shot to him, he wasn't looking at the woman he fell in love with. This was a different woman entirely.
"Enough, Robin," she snapped. "I've had enough of the hysterics. If you want to make my parting dramatic, so be it. I've decided. I'm leaving in less than an hour."
At one last-ditch effort, he went to her. His arms gently took hers and wrapped them around her. No words, but he needed her close. To smell her hair and feel her warmth. He enveloped her into a hug. "Don't give up on us. I'm not ready to give up," he whispered.
He thought he heard her crying, but it was only her breath. "I'll miss you both. I'll call as often as I can, I promise."
His brow lowered to hers, "I love you, Marian. Do you still love me?"
In answer, he didn't get the words he'd been angling for. Instead, he got a soft but short dismissive kiss.
"I need to pack, and you promised to read to Roland," she set He watched her for a minute packing with haste now. Glancing at the clock, she huffed. "I'm going to be late."
With a bruised ego and a broken heart, he walked to the door and turned, "I don't know who you are anymore."
Marian stopped and stared at him for a moment, "I'm sorry."
"So am I," he said as he walked down the hall to their son.