A Million Miles Apart

A/N: WE'VE HIT 200 REVIEWS! Oh my god, thank you so much, people! You have no idea how flattered I am that you liked this story so much that you've left your thoughts and encouragement for me to read. I can't thank you enough. I just want to hug you all.

So, we're gonna take a small break from a space for a bit and head back to Earth for a bit. I apologize if this particular chapter seems a little random and out of place, but I promise you, there's a reason for it. And when you find out what that reason is, you might seriously hate me for it. But we'll get there when we get there.

I also realize that this chapter also took some time for me to write, but this was seriously hard for me to write... I don't really know why. I guess I just struggled with what I wanted to write and then to actually write it. So I apologize and I will try to do better.

I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and please review favorite and follow!

Chapter 61, Try To Find Peace

I'm not sure what the weather's deal was right now, but it seemed to change course with every passing day. Over the past few weeks we had seen snow, rain, hail and clouds, only for it all to disappear the next day with the sun coming out. Although, unfortunately, the temperature was never that high. Even though it had started to rise back up again over the past few days, Master Splinter still didn't want the guys outside anytime soon- my theory was that it wasn't because of the temperature that he wanted them inside, though, but rather because he wanted them stay close to him and not be too far out of sight. Sure, he hadn't actually flat-out said it, but it was still a pretty plausible theory in my opinion, especially considering everything that had happened.

Still, it didn't help Raph and Mikey from going stir crazy in the cramped space.

Casey and I did our best to make the guys feel at home in the house and to make sure they didn't feel uncomfortable or out of place, but it was becoming more and more apparent with each passing day that Mikey and Raph were becoming restless and needed something to do, preferably something physical. Mikey had grown tired of sprawling out in front of the TV and helping with the cooking, and Raph complained about not being able to bring his punching bag. There wasn't much else for them to do inside and the rooms were too small to train in- it was driving them up the wall. Splinter tried to keep them from doing anything stupid or destructive, but it wasn't easy since they were both very energetic and active guys.

And there was still the elephant in the room: the pain that refused to leave them alone. Even after months of trying to deal with it, the loss had still taken a big toll on them and it was still obvious to see. Mikey was trying to act like nothing was bothering him and tried to be like his usual careless, jovial yet helpful self. He helped out with a lot of the chores, he smiled and made jokes and it all was very close to how he usually acted… but it was still clear he was hurting and his jokes and smiles felt kinda shallow, like he was only making them because everyone expected him to. His former self was still there, but his heart wasn't in it. Despite all this, though, it was also clear that he had accepted the tragedy and was trying to work through it in his own way.

Splinter had also clearly accepted what had happened and was trying to move on, but it had also taken a piece of him away, and now that he knew Karai- his daughter who had been raised and corrupted by his mortal enemy- had had a finger in the game that eventually led to what happened that night, he seemed like a very broken man. But he did seem on the way of getting through the roughest part of his grief. That's not to say that neither he nor Mikey were over it, but it did seem a little better than it had been three months ago. Though Splinter appeared a little- well, a lot different from how he had been before everything. It seemed like his more joyful side and his sense of humor had dried up and that left a more serious and gloomy person in its place.

Raph, though, was still in denial and whenever anyone would mention Donnie, he would look at us intensely and say that he was coming back… but even he seemed like he was starting to doubt. He didn't sound quite as sure of himself anymore and wasn't quite as quick to say it anymore. Like he was starting to lose faith. That honestly didn't feel that much better, though, since I knew it would break his spirit entirely when he finally accepted it.

And then there was Leo… well, he didn't say or do that much these days. He usually just sat by himself by a window or the fireplace and stared off into space. He also ate very little and- according to Raph, who shared bedrooms with him- he got very little sleep. There were moments when he tried to act like nothing was wrong with him, like during meals, or when he tried to have some fun with the rest of us in the living room after dinner. But for the most part he sat by himself and kept his mouth shut.

We all knew what was bothering him. While Raph's denial was more obvious and he easily got verbal about it, Donnie's death had clearly struck Leo right where it hurt the most.

While I had obviously been closer to Donnie, I had seen almost from Day One how much Leo cared for his family, especially his younger brothers, and so I could only imagine what he was going through. One of his brothers had fallen through a Kraang portal and died on a mission Leo was leading. Not only that- he had found out it was Karai who had planned that fight to begin with. The girl he had wanted to trust, bring to the 'light' and reunite with her real family turned out to be his little brother's killer.

Life had pulled the rug from under Leo and while he was struggling to get back up on his feet, Karai came along and kicked him in the face, sending him and his confidence down an abyss- and now he was stuck in a dark place and he couldn't get out.

"So what do you think about Raph, Red?"

I looked up from the potatoes I was peeling for dinner and towards Casey, who was helping by chopping salad. "What do you mean? What about him?"

He shrugged, put down the knife and scooped up all the lettuce he had been chopping, dumping it into the salad bowl beside him. Then he grabbed a tomato and started slicing.

"Well... he hasn't really moved on. I mean, at least the others've accepted what's happened and are trying to move forward. Raph's still in the same spot he was in, like, four months ago. Look, I'm not tryin' to be insensitive here and I know these things take time, but it's been months! And he's still acting like it happened last week." I shrugged and put away the peeler, dumping the potatoes into a pot of water and turning on the stove.

"I dunno. I mean, these things are never easy for anyone and moving on takes time. And how someone moves on is different from person to person. My mom died ten years ago and I still don't think Dad's moved on. The guys… they've spent their whole lives together. It's gotta be tough to suddenly lose someone who's been around forever." Casey nodded and dumped the tomatoes into the bowl.

"Yeah, I know and I understand that. I just wish I knew what to do to help him. I've been patrolling with Raph for weeks back home and it's like he's a totally different dude. Half the time he's so quiet and depressed it ain't even funny. And I have no idea what to do to help him."

I sighed and brushed a hand through my hair. "Neither do I, but I don't know if it's the best idea to butt into their emotions right now. I mean, I want to help them too, but I don't want to make things worse, either. I guess all we can do is be there to support him if he needs us."

Casey dropped the tomatoes into the bowl and turned to me, hand on his hip and leaning his weight against the counter. "Yeah, that ain't gonna work. April, I know ya mean well, but we can't just act like nothing's wrong here. Raph's in a mindset where he refuses to acknowledge that he's gotta move on. And if we don't sit him down and tell him that he can't go on like this, he's gonna stay like that forever. And that's gonna hurt him a lot more than help him. I think you know that too."

I couldn't help but stare at Casey. He was usually so goofy or hotheaded that I sometimes forgot he could be really smart and insightful. And he had a really good point- I knew he was right, and Raph needed to be told that he couldn't keep going on like this, but that didn't make me feel that much better. I sighed and joined him in leaning on the counter.

"Yeah, I know, Casey. But I don't think that's really our place. I mean, wouldn't it be better if Splinter or Leo- or even Mikey- did this? He would probably listen to them better than us. And, if I'm going to be honest, I don't know if I have the heart to do it. It's difficult enough to say out loud that Donnie's-" my voice hitched and a small lump formed in my throat. I tried to clear it and took a breath and tried again. "That Donnie's…" But the words just wouldn't come out; my voice cracked and I felt my eyes get wetter. I took another breath and tried to blink the tears away, turning away from Casey so he wouldn't see me cry. But I did catch the look on his face before my back was turned and he suddenly looked a lot more compassionate than usual.

I placed my hand over my mouth to keep myself from openly sobbing in front of Casey, but before I could even think of starting to cry for real, I heard upbeat music start to play and I almost jumped in shock, turning around in surprise. Casey had his phone in hand and a grin on his face and I could hear Pharrell Williams' 'Happy' streaming out of the phone's speakers. He put the phone down on the table and walked up to me, bowing at the waist and extending his hand to me in an exaggerated fashion.

"May I have this dance, Miss O'Neil?"

I stared down at him and didn't know what to say. I had no idea if he was being serious or if this was him being goofy, as per usual, so I didn't know if I should play along or shrug him off.

"Casey…" He shook his head and looked up at me, suddenly serious again.

"April, you've dealt with a lot and I can see you're upset. Let me be a good friend and help make you happy. So, I ask again, may I have this dance?" He hurriedly raised his hands and tried to back up a little. "Uh, a friendly dance, of course. A dance between good friends, 'kay?" I stared at him before breaking, laughed a little and took his hand.

"Alright. One dance, Jones." He smiled and pulled me up against him, placing one hand on my waist and keeping my hand in a tight grip with the other. Then he started to lead me in a ballroom dance- a very silly and exaggerated ballroom dance in which both of us were just kinda swinging around with our arms around each other, laughing at how silly and stupid this was (this song wasn't exactly the right style for the dance, for starters), but it was just what both of us needed, so we kept going at it.

At least until we heard a snort of laughter from the doorway; we looked away from each other and towards the door and stopped dancing in the process. Mikey and Raph were standing in the doorway and were both smirking at us. Or, well, Raph was smirking at us. Mikey was laughing, not the tiniest bit ashamed of interrupting our fun.

"Wow, you guys look so dorky right now." If it had been anyone other than Mikey saying that, I might have taken offense, but one of the first things I learned when I started to hang out with the guys was that Mikey sometimes said things without thinking at all, and sometimes those things sounded meaner than he intended. So I just rolled my eyes and let his comment roll off my back with a small smile. Raph chuckled a little too.

"Man, Casey, and here I've been thinking you were somewhat cool," Raph rolled his eyes at his best friend; arms crossed and leaned against the doorframe, "but after seeing this girly dance? Hah, La-ame!"

For a moment I thought Casey gonna get angry or at least irritated and let go of me to start arguing with Raph, but he just smirked and winked at him. "Oh yeah? Well, it might be a girly dance, but at least I can do it." He lifted his chin smugly and then turned back to me as we started to dance again.

Raph squawked in indignation and pushed himself away from the doorframe, uncrossed his arms and clenched his fists. "Hey! Are you saying that I can't handle a stupid dance?"

Casey shook his head, turned his head to him for a second, then back. "Well, if the shell fits, dude."

Raph growled and clenched his fists even tighter. Suddenly he grabbed Mikey by the wrist and dragged him into the kitchen.

"C'mon, Mikey, let's show 'im." Mikey was caught a little off-guard, but he quickly smiled again and grabbed onto Raph, like how I was holding Casey right now.

"Aw yeah, boi! Dance party in the kitchen, brah!" Raph didn't respond; he just started to twirl around the kitchen with Mikey in his arms. Somehow, after a few minutes, they both started to look like they were having fun. Mikey snorted, which then turned into an infectious laugh that not even Raph could resist joining, which in turn made me and Casey start to laugh again- and suddenly the kitchen was just filled with laughter, bright and innocent and foreign to us after so many months of depression and grief.

From the corner of my eye I saw Master Splinter and Leo peering in, probably wondering what on Earth could be so funny. I could only imagine what they were thinking right now- maybe we'd lost our minds or something. But I just kept my eyes on Casey, although our dance had more or less turned into stumbling around and leaning on each other so we wouldn't fall to the floor; Mikey and Raph weren't faring much better, both laughing so hard they were shaking.

And then, suddenly, another laugh filled the room- Leo's. It was such a surprise that we all paused and looked at him in utter shock, but he didn't notice- he just kept laughing, leaning heavily on his crutch so he wouldn't fall over. Splinter was also chuckling a little, his ears slightly folded as shook his head in amusement at our antics. So we just kept going, despite our little audience- or, in actuality, because of our little audience.

Looking around the room and seeing the smiles on everybody's faces made me feel somewhat whole again, the empty chasm inside slowly filling with something warm and rich and fragile. Yeah, there was still a horrible ache in my heart, but seeing everyone so happy and at ease after so much pain was so breathtaking that it almost brought tears to my eyes. I gazed up at Casey and we just kinda looked at each other for what felt like forever. My arms moved up and around his neck, his hands on my waist. And then, in a moment in which my brain seemed to turn off for a second, I leaned forward and gave him a kiss right on the lips.

He was so stunned that he almost let go of me before he seemed to relax, placing his hands back around me and kissing me back. It wasn't very long, only a few seconds or so, but when we pulled away from each other we were both breathless. Still, I smiled up at him and couldn't look away.

"Thank you, Casey; I really needed this." I managed to look away for a moment, at the others, who were still laughing and having fun. "We all did." Casey blushed a little and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Eh, it was nothin'. Really, I just wanted to see you happy." I smiled wider at him and nothing seemed to be able to break our eye contact.

That is, until I remembered I had a pot of water on the stove that was starting to boil over.

Darkness enveloped me and I couldn't make out any details about my surroundings. It felt like I was in a small room, but that was basically my ninja senses talking, 'cause there was nothing else that could show me that.

"Hello? Is anyone here?" My voice bounced back at me in an echo, confirming to me that I was, in fact, inside some sort of room, and judging by how quickly my voice was sent back to me, it was pretty small. I turned around in a circle and tried to find someone, anyone.

"Leo? Mikey? Master Splinter?" No one answered me except my own echo, which made me a little uneasy. I decided to walk further into the room and try to find either an exit or a familiar face.

I'd barely taken two steps before something hard slammed against my legs and made me fall backwards- but instead of hitting the ground, I landed in a chair made of solid steel and had barely touched it before shackles locked my wrists, ankles, legs and arms into place, making it impossible for me to get back up. I shouted in alarm, squirming and trying to push against the restraints, but it was no use.

Suddenly, right out of the blue, a spotlight turned on right over my head and made me squint at the sudden- and very bright- illumination. Once my eyes got used to it, I saw a massive projection screen in front of me, tall and wide like a movie theatre's. Once I saw it, something started to play on the screen.

I immediately recognized the 'movie' and it made my blood freeze.

"No. No, no, please no," I whimpered, unable to breathe as I watched our fight with the Kraang all over again. Donnie and April snuck up to the portal they had started to power up for their plot- I watched them work, and then my heart clenched in my chest as everything started to go haywire. I struggled against the bonds and tried to break free, my arms wanting nothing more than to tear my brother from the screen and hold him close, keep him safe. Tears were running down my cheeks.

"No! No, Donnie! Get away from there! PLEASE!" I should have felt stupid, yelling at a screen while knowing Donnie couldn't hear me no matter how loudly I screamed, but in that moment I wasn't thinking at all.

Of course Donnie couldn't hear me and never faltered as he held onto April- until that Kraang-bot flew towards him and made him lose his grip on her and fall through the portal anyway.

"NO!" My head was pounding with the sheer force of the tears ripping from my eyes and my chest heaved desperately, my heart broken into a million pieces, but it didn't stop there. On top of reliving the worst moment of my life, I got to follow Donnie through the portal as the sick images continued to play. It was like being inside a whirlpool of bright flashing pink and purple. Donnie was being flung around like a frail little leaf caught up in a powerful tornado, flailing and screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Help! Please, somebody help me! HELP ME!" It broke my heart to watch this and not be able to do anything, and when I finally got it through my thick skull that I couldn't break away from the shackles, I tried to look away from the screen instead. It didn't help one bit, because there were screens showing the exact same thing to both my left and right, above and below me. No matter where I looked, I was forced to watch Donnie's plight. I tried clenching my eyes shut but found that I couldn't even blink, my eyelids frozen in place. I was trapped in this nightmare. Then, the worst part came.

Suddenly Donnie's body started to flicker and then, little by little, he started to disintegrate, first his feet, then his hands, working up his limbs and to his core. "DONNIE!" I started to struggle again with renewed desperation, trying desperately to free myself and help my brother. But they still refused to let me go.

Donnie saw what was happening too and started to panic even more. "NO! HELP ME! Somebody, please! HELP-!" His voice was cut off abruptly as his entire body disappeared into thin air.

"Donnie!" I stared at the screen, unable to look away, horror making my stomach threaten to rebel. Donnie was… dead. Gone. An empty feeling started eating at my insides as I stared, pale and shaking, at the space where my brother should have been. I would have sobbed, but it was barely ten seconds before it cut right back to when he was hanging onto April's hand, the Kraang-bot flying towards him, making him let go of April's hand again. It was a terrible surprise, but I didn't get much time to think about it before I was forced to watch his death again.

This time, though, he fell through the portal without disintegrating and instead made hard contact with the surface of a strange planet, the sickening THUD making me flinch violently. That fall alone would have broken bones. He groaned, trying to push himself up on shaking arms, but his chest quickly became coated with crimson blood from what I had to assume were wounds from the Kraang-droid's collision; he was propped on his elbows for maybe five seconds before his arms gave out and he was on the ground once more, little more than a choked whine escaping him before he went completely still, blood staining the ground below him.

Once again, it cut right back to prior scene and I was forced to watch Donnie fall through the portal, again and again, and I couldn't look away no matter how hard I tried because another screen would just show up and force me to keep watching.

At one point he landed on a planet without oxygen I had watch him slowly suffocate, fingers frantically clawing at his throat as though loosening some invisible hands would be his salvation; another time he had barely landed on a planet before a swarm of hostile natives came rushing at him, one of them throwing a spear through his chest and almost instantly killing him; on yet another planet he was eaten alive by a giant carnivorous plant.

But the worst scenario was the one where Donnie landed whole and unharmed but on a desolate, deserted planet without any water, food or even people. It was completely empty and Donnie had no means of getting off the planet or for surviving very long. So he just sat down in the sand, legs tucked up to his chest like a small, lost child, tears running down his face as he hoarsely begged someone, anyone to please, PLEASE take him home.

With every passing scenario I felt myself getting sicker and sicker; my heart was broken into tiny pieces and I could barely breathe. My eyes were so teary that I could hardly see anything at all anymore, and I bit my lip so I wouldn't start screaming, despite how the sobs tore at my throat.

"Isn't it terrible? Watching your loved one slowly and painfully die millions of miles away from your protection?" A voice suddenly spoke. I whipped my head around, trying to find out where it was coming from, but I found no one, and it kept taunting me. "It could have all been avoided. You could have helped him; you could have saved him, if only you had been a better brother to him. But instead you let him take care of himself and drag himself to his feet, like you always did. Kicked him to the floor and walked away when he tried to get back up again. So much for BROTHERLY LOVE." The last two words were spat out like some vile curse.

I shook my head as the scenarios started playing again, showing only Donnie's deaths over and over again, going faster and faster until it was little more than a blur.

"No, no, I didn't mean to- I mean, I never wanted to-!" The voice laughed mockingly and got louder and louder and the clips flickered by.

"No, stop, I don't want to see anymore!" But it didn't stop- it just kept going, the laughing getting louder and louder until it was all I could hear, accompanied with the visuals of Donnie's potential deaths, each one worse than the last. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, tears still managing to slip through my eyelids as I tried to shut everything out. "NO! ST-

-OP!"

I flew up from my bed and screamed so loudly that I almost scared myself with it, and it took me several seconds of painfully heavy breathing to calm myself down at least a bit. I sat up and leaned back against the wall, panting heavily with sweat running down my neck. I looked up at Leo, who was lying in the actual bed, sleeping soundly as if nothing had happened.

Since Leo was injured, I had given up sleeping on the bed and we brought in a mattress for me to sleep on instead, so he would be more comfortable. Only he hadn't been sleeping very well, if at all, so to make sure he actually got some rest we had to heavily sedate him (something he had not been too happy about at first). So I wasn't too surprised that he hadn't heard me scream.

I rubbed my hands over my face and tried to calm my racing heart by breathing deeply, but I couldn't get the horrible images out of my head and my breaths eventually turned into shaky half-sobs.

Donnie. Could any of that actually have happened to him? Every single one of those scenarios was worse than the last and had all ended with him dying painfully in one shape or form, or worse, stranded on a desolate planet with no means of getting away, much less back home.

I had heard more than once since Donnie had disappeared that I was too deep into my denial and needed to let it go. Maybe not always directly to my face, but I could still hear them talk about it behind my back and I could put two and two together when I saw their concerned faces. But my own stubbornness had refused to let me forget about all the things I had said and done to Donnie, and I kept telling myself that it would be okay, because Donnie would come home and I would make it right when he did and thus everything would be alright, and I didn't need to completely crucify myself because there was still hope and even if Donnie despised me, it would be alright because he'd be alive and well and I'd deserve it anyway.

But now… now I wasn't so sure about anything anymore.

All my life I'd always tried to toughen my brothers up so they would have tougher skin and could take everything life would throw at us. I had considered myself a realist that way, trying to make them see that we would never be accepted and would be considered monsters no matter what we did. So I wanted to help my brothers see that too, by being tough and unyielding and relentless. But now, after sixteen years of this kind of behavior, I was starting to wonder if I had done such a good job with that... or if I had just been a bully all these years and made my own brother hate me. 'Cause whereas Leo and Mikey started to take space and stand up to me as we got older, Donnie never did. He just stood there and took it, like he was my own personal punching bag. And the few times he did try to stand up to me, I resorted to threatening him with violence.

And now Donnie was gone, possibly forever…

As I was sitting there and trying to calm myself, I heard something faintly and looked up from my hands, straining to hear a little better. It was piano music, so soft that I had to strain my ears to the point where it almost hurt in order to hear. It came from downstairs, so I got to my feet and tiptoed out of the room, softly closed the door behind me and went down to investigate.

When I came into the living room I saw April sitting at the piano, in her pajamas and with her hair down, playing a soft, comforting melody. I silently watched her from the doorway and just listened to her play. I didn't recognize the melody- it was very nice to listen to. I hadn't known April played the piano, but from the sound of it she was really good. But April did look a little distraught and kept her eyes locked on the keys and her hands.

It had been really good to see everyone happy at the dance party earlier today, after so much moping around and having nothing to do. It had been so great to hear everyone laughing and having a good time- especially Leo, who had been so depressed the past few weeks. It had been exactly what we all needed and even after we stopped dancing, we had had a good time during dinner too, joking and laughing and eating good food together. For a moment it had felt like old times again, when Donnie-

I drew in a breath and looked away. I sighed. When Donnie had still been alive.

Apparently April heard me, as she stopped playing and looked up from the piano at me. She jumped in surprise and rose from the stool.

"Raph- hi. Uh, how – how long have you been standing there?" I walked into the room and up to her, crossing my arms over my chest and tilting my head slightly to the side.

"Long enough to hear how good you are. I didn't even know you played." She blushed and brushed a strand of hair out of her face, sat back down on the stool again.

"I- I don't. Not anymore, anyway. I was serious about it for a while, but now I just play to release stress." I tried to smile at her and sat down on the couch.

"And does it work?" She shrugged and ran her fingers over the keys without playing.

"Sometimes."

We sat together in silence for some time and I tried to wrack my brain for something good to say, in case April decided to ask why I had come down here. I heard her play again, the same melody, only this time I heard her sing, softly and barely above a whisper.

"Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream? And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen? As my heart holds you just one beat away, I cherish all you gave me. Everyday, 'cause you are mine forever, love, watching me from up above. And I believe that angels breathe, and that love will live on and never leave."

I couldn't help but listen to her, even if all I wanted was to be left alone with my thoughts- the lyrics still managed to make their way into my head and I felt my eyes water again.

"Fly me up to where you are beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, if only for a while to know you're there. A breath away is not far to where you are."

I blinked away the tears that wanted to fall down my cheeks and pressed my lips together so I wouldn't start sobbing- I'd had enough of the constant crying, and was starting to get frustrated with myself for it. Why wasn't I handling this better? My thoughts wandered back to Donnie and my nightmare, and suddenly all I could think of was every time I had been a jerk to Donnie or had said something mean to him or beat him up.

I wiped my hands over my eyes and tried to breathe and blink away the tears, but I guess April noticed anyway, because she stopped playing and came over to sit by my side. She looked a little tentative and raised her hand to my shoulder, only to lower it again and look at me through her bangs.

"Raph? Are you- are you okay?" Her voice was soft, tentative, and it was clear she didn't want to say the wrong thing. But, honestly, I don't think I could've snapped at her or shrugged her hand off even if I wanted to. I just didn't have the energy anymore. I didn't even have the energy to cry at the moment, despite all the emotions going through my head.

I sighed and took a breath and then met her eyes. "…April?"

She kept eye contact. "Yeah?" I took another breath and then leaned back against the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

"If you could see your life from start to finish, would you want to change things?" I wasn't surprised that she seemed surprised by the question. It wasn't really my style to ask these kinds of things, especially not of anyone in my family. But she shrugged and pursed her lips.

"Yeah, some things, I guess. I've done quite a few things I wish I could do over or make sure they never happened. Why do you ask?"

I bit my lip and pushed valiantly back against the traitorous tears. "I don't know. Well, I mean, I- I guess I do?" I turned to look at her again, then away again. My vision started to get blurry as the tears became harder and harder to blink away. I looked up at her again and tried my hardest not to let my voice crack.

"April, I've been trying to toughen up my brothers for my entire life. I've been trying so hard to make them tough and strong so they can handle anything the surface or human world could throw at us. And I've been called a jerk, a bully and a bad guy thousands of times, but I've never had a problem with it before.

"But now… now, I suddenly see it from a different point of view. I've suddenly started to see my actions through Donnie's eyes. How it might have come across for him. And I don't like what I see." April didn't say anything, didn't try to press me; she just looked at me, although something in her eyes made it feel like she could see right through me- the fact that she had psychic powers didn't exactly help on that front.

"It-It's like finally seeing, for the first time. I finally see the point that Master Splinter and Leo and the others have tried to drill into my head for years. These last few months I've been able to see myself and my actions from a different perspective, and I suddenly wish I could go back in time and change everything. And myself."

I turned to April, blinking quickly and sucking in a breath. Not gonna cry, not again, not gonna cry. "Why did it have to have to get this far for that to happen?" My voice cracked slightly and I discreetly tried to clear my throat. "Why did one of my little brothers literally have to die for me to finally see that?"

April didn't say or do anything at first, but she didn't look away from me for a second. After a small eternity, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a second and then shifted a little closer to me, placing her hand on my arm.

"I don't know. I really don't know, Raph. I guess… I guess sometimes you need a really big wakeup call to finally realize that something needs to change. Like, we need to be at our worst to learn how to be our best. It's terrible, I know, but that's the best explanation I've got. And I'm not sure if it's even a good one to begin with." I nodded but couldn't think of anything good to say.

Neither of us said anything for a while after that; we just sat there for what felt like hours. I eyed April from my periphery and she looked a bit uncomfortable, but she kept her hand on my arm. I didn't have the energy to shake her off.

And of course there were the thoughts that refused to leave me alone. The visions of Donnie dying several times over still plagued my mind; I also realized that I had said- out loud, too- that Donnie was dead without that much resistance, and yet it still felt wrong to even think it, let alone say it aloud. But my dream was still fresh in my head and everything that had been said up until now poked and prodded at the fresh wounds in my mind.

"He… he's not coming back, is he?"

April's eyes widened slightly and she didn't say anything at first. She looked me straight in the eyes and I could see tears forming in hers as well, and then she shook her head slowly. "No. No, I don't think he is." She looked away from me and lowered her head in respect, but I also bet that she was trying to hide tears of her own. I didn't pay her too much attention, as I was too caught up in my own emotions.

This sudden realization from my dreams, along with April's blunt honesty, hit me like a punch to the stomach. Donnie was dead. He was gone, gone forever, and would never come back. Leo had said that the probability of Donnie surviving falling through that portal was slim to nonexistent- and even if he did somehow survive the portal, what's to say he hadn't been killed through other means, like lack of oxygen or violent natives? It just wasn't possible. He just couldn't have survived. Donnie was gone for good, and all I could remember now was every time I had been a jerk to him. All the times I had probably made him think I hated him.

My first instinct was to get angry. How could Donnie be gone? He couldn't just be gone; he had always been there! He had to be alive somewhere, he just had to! Donnie had always been my rock, a solid foundation for me to stand on or cling onto when my emotions (or more often than not, my anger) threatened to drown me. He had always been there for me when I needed him, whether I wanted him to be or not. How dare he just leave me to deal with it all on my own like this? How dare he leave us like this? How could he be so selfish to just die and leave us all to deal with life on our own?

But then, seconds later, I realized how that sounded, even in my own head. Calling Donnie selfish for falling in battle, especially a battle for our whole world? How much of a jerk could you be? And then, April's words really sunk in like the finishing blow to my heart, and suddenly I had no control of myself anymore.

Tears started to flow down my cheeks and I started to sob, an achingly familiar feeling by now, and I didn't even care that April was right beside me and could see me breaking down. This wasn't like those other times I had cried over Donnie- this was so much worse. My months of denial and stubbornness washed out with the tears and the protective walls came crumbling down around me, leaving me a weak, pathetic, sobbing mess.

April studied me closely and I could feel her arms slowly wrap around me, her head coming to rest on my shoulder. At first I thought I should just let her hold me without giving any kind of response- to try and preserve some of my dignity- but then I figured 'what dignity do I have left to protect?' and let myself hug her small form to me, crying out all of my emotions onto her shoulder.

She didn't say anything. She didn't try to shush me or tell me it was okay, she just held me as I finally let out all my emotions after trying to hold them in for so long. I had tried to remain strong for my brothers, my friends and my father, but I just couldn't hold it in anymore and I didn't have to energy or strength to fight back. For now, I just wanted to be left with my anger, pain and sorrow and not fight it anymore.

'Donnie… little brother, how am I supposed to carry on without you? How can I live when you're gone?' The light in his eyes, the smile on his face when he was talking about his inventions, the fire that burned in his heart and kept him awake for days when working on cures or inventions to help others. All of that was gone, gone forever. And I was left with this hole in my chest that could never heal.

Why did it have to be Donnie? Why couldn't it have been me? I had nothing to offer the world except for my two fists- I was expendable at best and a total liability at worst. Donnie had so much left he could have done for the world and for others. He probably could've found a cure for cancer; he could've invented ways to get rid of pollution entirely. He could've done so much more if he'd had the time. He hadn't even died for anything special, like a glorious battle to the end with the Foot or the Kraang; it had all just been a stupid scheme from Karai to kill us! And she had succeeded, too.

'Donnie, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I wasn't a better brother to you. I'm sorry that I'm alive and you're dead when neither of us deserves that. And I'm sorry your sacrifice wasn't worth anything in the end.'

"-I'm so sorry." I was jerked out of my tears and thoughts by April's weak, cracked voice. It was low, barely above a whisper, and I almost didn't hear it. I sniffed, took a deep breath and pulled away from her hug, wiping a hand over my nose.

My voice was hoarse, I could barely make a sound, but eventually I managed to croak out a "Wh-what?" between my dwindling sobs. April looked down at her lap, playing a little with her fingers, and shyly gazed at me through her hair.

"I-I'm sorry, Raph. To all of you. If it hadn't been for me, Donnie might still be alive today. If I had only been stronger or faster, maybe none of what happened that day would have happened." She looked up at me with tears pooling in her eyes. "So I'm sorry."

I sniffed again and wiped my hands over my eyes, trying to pull myself together again. These thoughts and feelings April seemed to have were complete news to me and I couldn't be a sobbing mess when I acknowledged them.

"A-April, none of what happened is your fault. None of us blame you for what happened that day; there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome." She shook her head and opened her mouth, but I was quick to cut her off before she could protest, placing my hand on her shoulder and looking her straight in the eyes with a firmness I didn't feel. "No, April, listen to me. I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings about what happened that night. I've been replaying what happened over and over in my head and come up with scenarios where things would have changed the outcome. None of what happened is your fault."

I slumped my shoulders and looked away for second. "I know I can dish out blame left and right for things that were accidents, and I don't blame you if you thought I blamed you for what happened to Donnie. I've done worse before. But you have to believe me when I say that I have never blamed you for what happened. I was angry and upset and looking for something, anything, to take the load off of my own shoulders. And… " I took a deep breath and drew my hand over my face.

'Get over your pride, Raph. She's one of your friends; you owe her this much.' I chastised myself and then forced myself to look her in the eyes.

"And I-I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like all of this was your fault." She didn't say anything at first, just nodded and smiled a tiny smile, although it never reached her eyes; it was clear she didn't know how to respond to this either, which was a bit comforting.

"Thank you, Raph. It means a lot to hear you say that." I nodded and we shared a smile. Then we both just kinda sat there for a while. No one knew what to say and yet nothing needed to be said, either. It was a comfortable silence.

But eventually I couldn't help but ask, "So, what do we do now?" I looked over at April and she seemed to know what I meant. Oh yeah, psychic. Right. She sighed and leaned back against the couch.

"I've been told that acceptance is the first step towards healing. So I guess we just start moving forward from here. Exactly how we do that, I don't know. One step at a time, I guess." I nodded and suddenly realized how tired I was. So I stood up and yawned.

"Well, I'm gonna go back to bed. See you tomorrow, Ape." She smiled and wished me a good night and I made my way back towards the stairs. But before I left the room I turned to look at her over my shoulder.

"Hey, April?" She looked at me. I tried to smile, despite how much I didn't really want to. "Thanks."

She smiled back and nodded. After that I turned and started up the stairs and towards my room.

Leo was still asleep, didn't even look like he had stirred, and I didn't even bother sneaking back to my mattress on the floor, since he seemed to be completely knocked out. As I laid back down again, I saw the stars through the crack between the window and the curtains and the hole in my chest suddenly became more evident; a hole that could never be filled or healed.

But, if I knew Donnie at all, I knew he wouldn't want me to lie around and feel sorry for myself. Donnie had always wanted to help other people, wanted to do all he could. And he had had so many ideas that could help others. And there was one thing I had been given that Donnie hadn't. Time. I still had years ahead of me and so much I could still do for the world.

And if Donnie wasn't here to make sure his ideas happened, then I would. I may never be able to understand half of what Donnie had worked on, but I would sure as hell be there to make sure they would still happen.

And to make sure that the little Donnie had for a legacy would live on and be remembered.

A/N: Man, this was a tough one to write- mostly because I had a hard time deciding how to write it, but also because of how sad it is. And considering last chapter, I'm a little worried about how you're gonna react to this chapter, to be honest. Hopefully you'll like it.

Fun fact: I based part of this chapter (or at least the last part with Raph) very lightly on the song by the same name, "You Have To Be There" from the Swedish musical Kristina från Duvemåla, which has been sung in English, so you should totally listen to it- it's beautiful and is probably one of my favorite musical songs. Personally I think the Swedish version (Du måste finnas) is more beautiful, but that's just my opinion, and I'm probably biased. Also, it's not the only song I used for a little inspiration. I used "Empty Chairs At Empty Tables" from Les Misérables, "To Where You Are" by Josh Groban and "Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story" from Hamilton. Can you say musical fan, boys and girls?

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!