A Million Miles Apart
A/N: Wow, this chapter practically wrote itself! I started writing it immediately after I finished the last one and got it more than half-finished in just a couple of hours. Where has this inspiration been before, or the drive to write so much? I don't know, but I hope it sticks around for a while.
And also, OMG I am so happy because I have great news! I applied to learn how to become a dental assistant and guess what? I GOT ACCEPTED! And classes started today! This is so great, this week couldn't have come fast enough!
I hope you'll like this chapter and please review, favorite and follow!
Chapter 65, Watch It All Burn
I wish I could tell you all what I was thinking on my way back to the ship, but I couldn't tell you. My mind was- probably for the first time in my life- completely silent and stood completely still, and normally that would worry me. But, like I said, my mind was still so clouded that I couldn't really bring myself to care about that. In fact, I couldn't bring myself to care about anything- not the blood that was still dripping into my eyes or the different alien creatures staring at me in worry or disgust. A rivulet of blood coursed down over my cheekbone, pooling at my lip- without a thought, I ran my tongue over the spot and cleaned it away.
When I eventually got back to the ship, it was devoid of life; Traximus and the Fugitoid were nowhere to be seen and the whole ship was eerily silent. I didn't think much of it and just tugged off my mask, tossing the saturated material to the ground outside of the shower. I numbly turned the water on as hot as it could go and while I waited for it to heat up, I stared at the wall beside the mirror and refused to make eye contact with the strange creature staring at me from its glass depths. My periphery caught the slight movement of another droplet of blood coursing over his cheek, marring the naked green skin that had been protected by his mask. I could just barely make out the neat row of scars crossing over one of his accusing red eyes, and the disgust at the sight was what ultimately made me step into the scalding spray- anything to get away from that thing.
I took up the soap with the same determined solemnity I used when arming myself for battle. And this WAS a battle- a battle of blood and gore and shame, a fight to somehow rid myself of a sin that couldn't be reached at surface level, but damned if I didn't try anyway. But while I was fully aware of what I had to do, I couldn't bring myself to reach the level of caring. I felt like I had to somehow erase my wrongdoings, but in that same train of thought I could barely muster up the spirit to care about any of it. Like my moral compass was talking to me, but it was mostly doing so out of perceived obligation. You've done wrong, it said, so at least act like you feel bad. Make yourself feel better. Because I should have felt something, I understood that on an intellectual level.
With a detached, apathetic soul, I began to methodically scrub away all evidence of my descent.
And as I stood there, under the painful spray, something started to wake up inside of me. A piece that had previously been dormant was now coming back to life in bits and pieces, a small fire pulsing and growing stronger in my otherwise blank, dark mind. Reality came back in small increments, as did my feelings, and so first came the realization of what had happened to me. The first pang of emotional pain hit me, hard, making my heart skip a beat as my knees grew wobbly. Now clean of blood, I dropped the soap and sank to the floor, wrapping my arms around my knees as the hot water made the skin of my neck grow numb. My eyes were wide and staring, fixated on the pink water swirling around my toes. Then I suddenly released the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, and that was the start of my breakdown.
"Looking good, freak!"
"What, just having fun. You know how much Mikey loves the Donnie puppet!"
My breaths sped up, shaking hands clenching into fists against my legs. Everything was moving so fast, everything was blurring together inside my head, echoing and getting louder.
"Look at him! What a child! Can't handle a little prank, reptile?"
"Wait, do you still think you have a shot with her? Wow, that's so adorable! And sad. It's sadorable."
"Just what their kind deserves. Disgusting pieces of shit!"
"His face is fucking priceless!"
My chest ached with very real pain, my ribcage suddenly too small and constricting. I forced myself to focus on the water dripping steadily from my nose as a way to center myself. Drip, drip, drip. Still the pain remained, throbbing with each pump of my heart.
Is what a broken heart really feels like? Because this was unbearable, unlike anything I'd felt before. Not even seeing my family in high spirits in my absence had been like this- this felt like the real deal and I wanted to curl up and die. It was as if my heart was physically breaking and all the attempts I had made to keep the pieces together over the years were finally coming undone.
My poor, pathetic heart… it probably looked like a patchwork quilt by now, torn and desperately stitched back up, covered in patches to hide the many cracks and somehow keep it beating for just a little bit longer, all it needs is time, time will heal those ugly wounds and soon it'll be alright again. And when that didn't work, and I broke out the needle and thread and tried to force those broken pieces to stay in place with my haphazard stitches, all I would end up with was a scarred and unrecognizable shadow of what it was once meant to be.
I don't know when I started sobbing. I had never felt more vulnerable and bared to the world than I did right then and there, sitting in a shower booth that suddenly seemed much too small, boiling water raining down on me with equally hot tears streaming down my cheeks, sobs so frantic and loud that I could barely breathe.
"Aw, look- he gonna cry?"
"Dude, your weapon just exploded!"
"Look at that, so scared. It's so damn pathetic."
"Tickle ray? Real useful upgrade, Donnie."
"What a weakling."
"If you wanna impress April, better leave me out of it."
"Oh my god, it's just a little blood- get over it!"
"Don't! Don't touch me, keep away from me! I never wanna see your faces ever again!"
"Cry for me, terrapin."
And of course that's what I did. My body was shaking and I shivered despite the hot water, my breathing got quicker and through my sobs I found it harder and harder to get any oxygen. I felt more and more like I was choking on every shallow breath I took. My stomach clamped up with nausea.
Seconds later I had to lurch to my hands and knees as my stomach heaved and twisted itself, all of its contents spilling out of me. My throat burned and my eyes blurred with tears of pain. I coughed and heaved until there was nothing left.
Exhausted, I slumped back against the wall, my shell hitting it with a dull thunk. I watched with detached interest as the vomit was washed away by the running water, and then I closed my eyes and tried to get my lungs back under control.
But the voices in my head just wouldn't leave me alone.
"You've done nothing but mess up and have almost killed us more than once!"
"You mutated my father!"
"Nothing personal, but we simply cannot allow the Kraang to survive in any way. No hard feelings, kid."
"I never want to see you again!"
"Ugh, you just don't know when to give up, do you?"
"You're a reptile! You don't know anything at all! Everything you are is a lowlife, worthless little street rat, and that's all you will ever be!"
"I hope you remember this moment the next time you think you'll ever be anything more than weak, pathetic little terrapin freak!"
"Donnie? Donnie, are you here?" My head snapped up- that voice, that voice was real. Mona, standing just outside the door and sounding extremely concerned. When did she get there? Were the others with her? How long had I been in the shower?
I stood, turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry myself with as quickly as possible. I had to make sure the others were okay because… why? Why was it so important that they were alright? I mean, I guess I had run away from the party, so if anything they would be worried about my safety… but there was a little voice in my mind urging me to make sure they were okay for some reason. I tried desperately to remember more about what had happened tonight as I snapped up my mask and threw it into the sink to be cleaned, but the last thing I remembered was having that bucket of blood thrown over me, being laughed at and ridiculed, and then fleeing back to the ship to lick my wounds. Something was missing, had to be, I could feel it, but I couldn't remember what it could possibly be. My brain was a little muddled and I felt like there was something I should be thinking about, something very important.
It doesn't matter…
And suddenly I just… wasn't concerned about it anymore. Didn't care. Ah, well, if it was that important I would have remembered it by now.
It didn't take very long for Mona and I to find the Professor and Traximus- they came running up to us as we headed back towards the ship. The Professor was extremely worried and got up in our faces, checking us over and making sure we were okay. Traximus was also pretty concerned, but seemed to have more control of himself. He looked us all over, surveyed our surroundings, and finally looked back to Mona. "Where are Jhanna and Donatello?"
Mona and I shared a glance before she met Traximus' gaze, bit her lip and fingered her scarf, which had miraculously survived any severe damage from the fire. It was just a little singed here and there.
"J-Jhanna said there was something she needed to do. She said she'd be right behind u-us." The muscle spasms didn't occur as frequently now, but our run over seemed to have made her relapse a bit, making her stutter slightly.
I nodded and took a step forward.
"And we think Donnie went back to the ship. We were following his trail." Traximus looked surprised. I pointed to the red footprints littering the golden pavement, and the pair took a moment to analyze them, looking increasingly disturbed. They must have taken another route to find us or I don't know how else they would have missed them- or Donnie- on their way.
The Professor's eyes glowed blue for a moment before they turned orange again, and when he looked up at us, he was clearly upset. "My scanners show that this is blood! Was he injured? Are you injured? What happened back there?" Mona bit her lip again and then let out a heavy, only slightly shaky sigh.
"It's a lo-long and complicated story, one we can't tell just standing here. Let's go back to the ship, we'll fill you in o-o-on the way!"
We speed-walked the whole way back, with Mona and me taking turns telling Traximus and The Professor just what had happened back at the party; briefly touching on the fun we'd had together, and then launching into the gruesome tale, leaving some parts out. We didn't mention our suspicions about what Donnie's amulet might have to do with it. It felt like something we should talk about when we were far away from here.
Traximus paled visibly under his armor-like plating, and the Professor's robot eyes were only small dots, showing shock. "Oh, my…! That's terrible! And none of you were badly hurt?" Mona shook her head and tried to smile. A very forced and stiff smile and didn't ease many worries.
"We have a few minor wounds and I think Jhanna broke a few ribs, but n-nothing some of my potion can't fix. We'll be fine." The Professor nodded, somewhat put at ease but not entirely. He was clearly still worried. He looked down at his hands and intertwined his fingers.
"Oh, that's good. Very good." He looked up again. "And Donatello was wearing his amulet the whole time?" Both Mona and I stopped short. Neither of us had even mentioned that it was glowing and beeping, let alone our suspicions about the black matter, so how could he know? Did he have his own suspicions?
Mona nodded and I answered, "Yes, he did. Why?" He took a step back and stuttered a little.
"Uh, well, you see… I was worried that i-it might have b-been left behind or he might have dropped it...? Since it's full of black matter, it might have influenced the room or the planet and caused those accidents to happen."
I bit my lip and thought it over. I will admit, I didn't fully understand the science behind black matter or how it worked, but since it seemed to affect things badly, it was a plausible theory. I mean, it had corrupted an entire planet. We would have to look further into that later, though.
When we finally got back to the ship, Mona and I ran up the ramp and into the ship. The rooms we passed were abandoned- the footprints led us down the hall before disappearing into the shower room. We stood just outside the door, and Mona swallowed before she gently raised her voice, not loud enough to be a yell but still loud enough to be heard over the faint sound of running water.
"Donnie? Donnie, are you here?" Traximus came behind us, eyes fixed on the door. I raised a hand to knock, but then the door slid open.
"Yes." Donnie came walking out with a towel in his hand, drying himself with a forlorn expression on his face. He'd taken off his mask, his pale scars a stark contrast to the heat-reddened skin of his face. He wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. "I'm here."
His voice was weak, cracking slightly, and his eyes were reddened. He'd obviously been crying, but none of us had the heart to mention that- he should be allowed the dignity to cry when he's alone. He had already opened up to us once today, and it was no fair to force him to do it again. If he wanted to cry alone, he should be allowed to, and if he was comfortable to do it in front of us, we'd be there for him and let him come to us.
"Donatello, are you alright?" Traximus asked very softly, taking a tentative step forward. Donnie lolled his head to meet the Triceraton's gaze, expression unchanging. He still looked miserable behind those brown eyes, but there was also a certain detachment to it, like he wasn't quite sure why he was sad or simply didn't care in the end. It was an odd expression, one I wasn't sure I'd ever seen before.
He sighed and let his arms fall to his sides, the towel dragging on the ground. "About as alright as can be expected, I guess," he muttered. He looked like the hybrid cross of a kicked pup and a tired old man.
That kicked Traximus into gear and he gently took the towel from him and wrapped his big arms around Donnie, cradling him gently to his chest. The turtle didn't really respond at first, just stood there limply in Traximus' embrace. I began to worry he was going to block us out, reject our comfort and keep it all bottled up when he was obviously suffering. I wouldn't push him if he chose to do so, but I had really hoped…
But he didn't pull away, like I had started expecting him to. Just stood there. No one said anything, unsure of what to say. Then, after a while, he almost cautiously lifted his arms and returned the embrace. Slowly, ever so slowly, he dropped the facade. His muscles loosened and he dropped his head to rest on the Triceraton's hard chest plate, breaths coming out shaky. A single tear traced a track down his snout before dropping to the ground.
"They were laughing at me. They were all... laughing at me," he whimpered, sniffling a little, and Traximus gently shushed him and patted his shell. It was an oddly tender display, but it was touching. Mona and I silently got closer; I rested my forehead in the crook of Donnie's neck, arms wrapping around his lower torso while Mona did the same on his other side. He didn't react much, but he relaxed slightly and I think it helped him feel a little better.
He pulled away after only a minute, but he might have already let out of enough his pain to not have any more tears to shed. He wiped his hands over his eyes and blinked a few times before he looked at us a little shyly.
Mona tilted her head inquiringly, compassionate and worried. "Are you feeling better?" He took a deep breath through his nose and looked up to meet her eyes.
"I think so. At least a little." He looked then at Traximus and I. "Thanks." Traximus nodded with a small smile.
Mona placed her hand on Donnie's cheek almost maternally, gently wiping the last few tears from his eye.
"Did you get hurt?" When he only cocked his head slightly to the side, obviously confused, she clarified, "in the fire? Did you get burnt or anything?" He blinked.
"Fire?" His eyes listed to the side, then down to the floor and squinted. "I can't remember a- a fire. Last thing I remember is… th-the blood... and the laughing." His voice hitched and he shut his eyes, as if to shut the memories out. "Nothing else. Everything else is just… blank." He looked up at us, wide-eyed. "What h-happened?"
Mona and I stared at each other. If Donnie didn't remember (either due to shock or maybe he'd just suppressed it) and was still in shock after all that had just happened, it was probably for the best if we didn't tell him all of our theories now. It would be better if we told him later, when we had all digested this a little. Maybe the memories would come back to him soon, and then we wouldn't have to cause him any extra stress.
Mona didn't seem to know how to answer, so I jumped in before he could get suspicious of our silence. "We don't know for sure, but it looked like some kind of accident. My best guess is that something fried the wiring and it started a fire." He nodded slowly and looked down at himself, checking for injuries. But before he could answer, The Professor came running in from the other room and shouted.
"Donatello! You're not going to believe this, and I know this is not in proper timing, but the fragment of the Black Hole Generator is gone!"
"WHAT?!" All of us shouted at once, and Donnie seemed to snap out of his shock long enough to leap into action. He nimbly jumped over the railing and ran into the other room with the rest of us right behind him.
It was true. The Black Hole Generator was gone, not even a drop of black matter left on the floor as evidence that it had ever been there and no evidence as to who took it. Traximus growled under his breath and clenched his fists.
"We have been set up. Someone must have caused that fire as a reason to lure the Professor and I out of here so that they could steal the fragment. There is no other explanation." Donnie looked at him over his shoulder, and I would have thought he'd be freaking out at the moment, but he seemed to have reigned in his emotions enough to keep a cool head. He was back to his normal, analytical self- at least for the moment.
"But who would have done it? And how would they have known we would be at that party to start a fire, and also be here at the right time to steal it from us?"
Footsteps suddenly sounded, coming right towards us, and a new voice came from the doorway. "Hey, guys."
We turned to look, and there Jhanna stood, slightly hunched over with an arm around her ribcage. Her hair was a mess, her clothes tattered, and she had a deep frown on her face. "I think I found someone who can answer our questions."
I was the first to follow her into the main room and almost had a heart attack when I saw the aforementioned 'someone'. On the floor, restrained and unconscious, was Moriah. Her clothes were different, more civilian than her Second-in-Command fatigues, but it was clearly her- I knew that bright red hair, the stern face, the dark blue marks just below her eyes and that crown she had received when she finally reached her status as Second.
Jhanna stalked over to our unconscious sister, nudging her head with her foot and glaring down at her with her arms tightly crossed over her chest. "I saw her trying to flee the scene after we got out of the bar. I'd bet my sword and all that I own that she was the one behind the…" She seemed to realize what she was going to say, looked up at Donnie and shrugged sheepishly. "The Incident." She looked back down at our sister. "But I'll also bet she wasn't the only one involved."
Donnie crouched down beside Moriah's motionless body and tilted her head to look her over, checking her pulse and pushing her eyelids up. "Which probably means that she was in cahoots with the Triceratons," he theorized with an almost tired sigh, poking at the blossoming bruise under her left eye. He then gently grabbed both sides of her head and tilted it forward so he could examine the large knot forming on her hairline, sending Jhanna a questioning look at the overkill. Jhanna simply shrugged and supplied, "Fist to the face didn't finish the job." Slightly rolling his eyes, Donnie finished his exam and leaned back to sit on his haunches.
"So how do you figure that she's working with the Triceratons?" Mona asked, getting the conversation back on track. "I mean, the Federation hates the Triceratons almost as much as the Triceratons hate the Kraang. Why would she work with them?" Traximus rested a big hand on her shoulder.
"Don't be so quick to judge, Mona Lisa. There is a saying about wartimes: In times of great conflict, the winner is prepared to do what the loser is not. Moriah was probably willing to do whatever she thought she had to in order to get her sisters and the Professor back to D'hoonib."
Donnie nodded, rocked on his heels to get momentum, and stood with a tired grunt. "We have another saying on Earth: 'The enemy of my enemy is my friend'. And the Triceratons were... not exactly pleased to lose the Black Hole Generator to us. Perhaps they felt like teaming up with the Federation was the only way?" The Professor hummed and cupped his chin with one hand.
"That does seem like a plausible theory. But we have no proof- we will have to ask her ourselves and hope she gives us the answers we want." Jhanna shook her head, her arms still crossed and pursed lips.
"No dice, guys. Moriah's a pro; she's not going to spill, especially if she's our captive. She'd rather die than give anything to anyone she considers an enemy." Donnie hummed before he sighed, looking up at us.
"Look, guys, it's been a long night and none of us are probably in the mood for an interrogation. Let's make sure that Moriah can't escape and leave her in one of the rooms and deal with this tomorrow. Jhanna, go through her pockets and make sure that she doesn't have any weapons or means of escape. Starlee and Traximus, clean out a spare room. Leave nothing but a bed. Everything else has to go. Mona, tend to any and all injuries that need to be dealt with immediately. Professor, you and I will set the coordinates and follow the Triceratons' mothership. We'll most likely find the fragment there. When we're all done, let's get to bed. We'll deal with Moriah first thing after breakfast tomorrow."
And so we all went off to follow our respective orders. But as Traximus carried all the heavy stuff out of the room and I emptied the closet and drawers, I had to fight off tears of my own.
'How could such a wonderful day end so horribly?'
After everyone had gone to bed, I stayed up and watched as we flew away from Ypsagon and out into the open space. I knew I had told everyone to go to bed and that we all needed to sleep, but at the moment I couldn't do it. There was a bone-deep weariness all throughout my body, and yet I couldn't fathom going to sleep right now.
I looked down at the mask in my lap. There was practically no purple left on it, just a few spaces here and there where some violet managed to fight its way through. The stitches that just barely kept it together were starting to wear out and would probably need replacing. But I didn't want to do it. One, no amount of washing would get all that blood out of it. Two, I didn't know if I wanted it anymore. I could always make a new one.
But the mask was not the thing I was thinking about the most at the moment. I had reflected on the incident in the shower, and after some thinking and looking through some of the medical files on the ship's computers, I deduced that I'd had a severe panic attack- something that had never happened to me before. Despite my freak-outs and near mental breakdowns in the past, it had never gotten to the point where I couldn't breathe or vomited out of anxiety. And yes, I know that I had never been great at handling stress or pressure and very easily got anxious whenever things became too much, but never like this.
'Great, just what I need: an anxiety disorder and panic attacks,' I had muttered to myself, before I rationalized that having one attack did not necessarily mean that they were going to be a constant. Sometimes people got these attacks just after a traumatic event or something similar. It didn't mean that there going to be more- it was only a possibility. Which was slightly reassuring.
I sighed, leaning back in my seat, and had to fight back tears. Why had it all gone so wrong on Ypsagon? It had started out so great, we were having so much fun. Sure, there had been a couple of bigoted jerks and that wasn't great, but we had still had a really fun day in the city. Out in the sun, eating good food, playing games, telling jokes and just having a great time. So why did everything have to take a turn for the worst? Did the Universe hate me so much that it couldn't let me have one day where nothing went wrong? And if so, why? Why did the Universe- or the Aeons or whoever was in charge of things- hate me to the point of scarring me for life and torturing me every step of the way? What had happened to Tang Shen, her support? Where had all of that gone?
Right from the start of this whole mess, things had gone wrong. Fighting with my brothers, falling through the portal, landing on D'hoonib, being attacked by Federation, captured by Triceratons, put through hell in their jail, putting Earth in mortal danger... everything had just been one terrible thing after another. And then this- being put through the worst prank in the history of horrible pranks and also losing the Black Hole Generator fragment after having it for a week?
Ugh, it's official. The universe hates me.
It seemed like no matter how hard I tried or how much I trained or tried plan everything out and play by the rules that had been set up for me, all I ever managed to do was either screw up or have the Universe knock me down just because it felt like it. Even when things went well, it didn't last long before that luck completely abandoned me.
Why do you hate me, Great Beyond? What did I ever do to you? Are you mad because I'm weak? Or refuse to die? Should I… should I just never have been born at all?
With all these thoughts running through my head and refusing to go away, I had felt desperate for some kind of affection or love, but didn't feel comfortable waking anyone to ask them if they cared about me. That wasn't exactly something normal people did- "Hey, I know it's stupid-o'clock right now, and you're catching up on your Z's like I told you to, but could you please say something validating to me and also not think less of me or be creeped out by this? Because that's totally not asking too much, person I've known for literally less than a year." Yeah, I could imagine how well that would go over.
So I'd used the ship's computer system to upload and print out all the pictures in my T-phone of my family and me. Every single one of them from the day I had finished my final touches on the phones and got them online, up until the day I was flung across space to D'hoonib. And now I was in the holo-dojo, sitting on my knees with the lights out and a candle as my only light source, looking through all my photos. Closely examining each one, each face, trying to spot real emotions- real I said, after what had happened today at that party, I felt desperate for some confirmation that my family loved and cared for me like I had always thought they did. That despite everything that they had said and done in the past, they had really cared about me and loved me like good brother and father would. But when looking at these pictures, something felt off. The faces I had grown up knowing and loving, they looked fake somehow. Something seemed so false about their smiles and I just wanted to yell at them.
I had never once deleted a photo. I saved all of them, because they were my family and they were the only people I loved and cared about- sometimes it was nice to know that I always carried them with me, along with their love for me. But now, that love felt false and hollow, like it had always been an illusion and I'd just been blind to it until now.
The more I looked at them, the more bitter and angry I got. "Computer, pull up scenario 'Family'," I instructed the computer and within seconds, perfect holographic replicas of the dojo back on Earth, my brothers, and my father showed up.
Leo came to life first, pale blue eyes scanning over my face. The computer software picked up my emotions and he stepped forward with a concerned look on his face as his programming dictated. His concerned tone was very convincing. "Donnie? Is everything alright? You don't look so well."
I scoffed and looked down at the pictures on the floor, my eyes falling on a picture of all of us, but I was focused on Leo's face. I picked up the photo and stared at his plastic grin, turning around so I wouldn't have to face his lifelike copy, but I could still see him in the reflection of the white walls in front of me.
"Oh, Leo... the oldest brother, the noble hero, the perfect leader. Oh so perfect, oh so obedient, and oh so loving. Eugh! I look at you and all I see is an egomaniac with a hero complex." I whipped around to face him again, hands clasped behind my shell, picture held between two fingers. He looked kind of hurt, but mostly just confused- the computer caught up, reading me again, and his expression turned sadder. I paced back and forth in front of him. "You've always acted like all you wanted was to help people, to protect us, to be a good leader, but none of that was really true, was it? I see right through you, Leo: you want to be the hero; always have. It was never about us- protecting us, being our big brother, being our leader," my voice kept getting louder and I shoved the picture up in his face. He backed up one step. Fighting the lump in my throat, I said, quieter, "being my hero…" No, I couldn't go there. Out of all the ways my expectations of my big brother were disappointed, that was a particularly painful one. I pulled back and turned away from him, looking down at the photo. "There are only two people you care about in life- and their names are Leonardo and Leonardo's Ego."
In the reflection I watched as he started to walk towards me with an outstretched hand, looking devastated, but I turned around again with a sharp, "DON'T." He stopped and lowered his hand slightly. I bared my teeth in a sneer. "Don't you dare take another step in my direction- I can't be held responsible for what might happen if you do." He opened his mouth. "-And don't you DARE think that some nice words can erase everything you have done to me."
His jaw snapped shut and he took another step back, dropping his hand, but then frowned and straightened his back, ready to stand up for himself. I recognized the stature: he was about to go into another I'm-your-leader-so-you-listen-to-me lecture. The one he always broke out when he wanted us to remember who was in charge. And more often than not, it turned into him quoting Master Splinter and spitting meaningless jargon. Well, I was through listening to his worthless platitudes and meaningless morals.
"Hey, you can't speak to me like that, I am-" Oh-ho-ho, 'I AM'! Watch out, Leo means business when he stops using contractions!
I snorted, stalked up to him and silenced him with my finger over his holographic lips, my voice cold and unrelenting. "Oh, cut the crap, Leo. Just cut it. You and I both know you keep playing the leader card because you're too damn insecure to actually come up with plausible arguments. Either that or you're too f*** STUPID." He stared at me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, and didn't even seem to have enough will to call me out on my language. I smirked at him, trying to mimic Raph's cocky brazenness.
"I guess that's why you rely so heavily on me and my brains, right? I mean, you know you're not as smart as you try to be and constantly want me to do all the thinking for you, and when I need some time to come up with something that meets your high and mighty standards, you get pissed. I'm supposed to perfectly plan out something in seconds, and that doesn't seem at all unfair to you."
I let out an exaggerated 'Oh!' and slapped myself on the forehead. "And did I mention you're a damn hypocrite, too? I feel like I've mentioned that before." Leo took one more step back and found himself backed up against the wall. I followed and placed a hand on the wall over his shoulder, relishing in being the intimidating one for once. I couldn't help the wicked smile on my face as I tilted my head in a falsely casual way, regarding him sharply.
"Oh yeah, you always act so damn perfect, like you're above the rest of us. 'Cuz Leo's always too good for us mortals! You act like you're an adult, yet you're always going solely on what Master Splinter would do, like you can't think for yourself. But don't think I don't see right through you. Don't think I don't see how many times you try to justify your actions by making up excuses and calling us out for doing the exact same thing."
I leaned down and put my mouth right over Leo's ear. "Oh," I whispered, "and don't think I don't see how you look at our sister." When I pulled back I saw that his eyes had widened and he'd opened his mouth to argue, but I raised my hand and stopped him before he could start. The holograms were so lifelike I kept forgetting it wasn't actually Leo I was venting at, but every time he actually backed down instead of talking over me served as a reminder that this was far from reality. Still, once I'd gotten going I couldn't stop myself. Everything I'd wanted to say, and do, and finally get off my chest, it was all bubbling forth like water from a spring. I'd never see the real deal again, anyways, so verbally beating the shit out of a holographic replica would have to do. Maybe then, just maybe, I could get the fuck over my family and focus on what was important.
I stared deep into his eyes as I spoke. "Don't. I'm not stupid, Leo; I've seen your face whenever you start talking about her. You don't think I don't recognize it when you get the goo-goo eyes? You don't think that I wouldn't realize what you're doing? You can tell me over and over again that you're doing this for Splinter's sake and want to reunite Karai with her real family, but you can't fool me- that's the downside of having the brains solely delegated to one member of the team. You can't hide anything from me, Niisan," I hissed, as if the last word was a slur. "You're doing it because you want her to like you. You want her to love and admire you. And yet… and yet!" I broke off and laughed, perhaps too jovially to be completely considered sane. "And yet you lose your shit when I try to win April over- "get over her", you say. So it's okay for you to go to crazy extremes for a girl, my Brainless Leader, but I'm supposed to surrender to fate and die alone." I smirked down at him. I couldn't help it- a huge part of me was seriously enjoying this. The rational part of my brain, insisting that this was a bit crazy of me, had been shut down. My smile widened ferally and I craned my neck down to be face-to-face. "Now that certainly doesn't sound fair, friend."
Leo didn't respond, his lips pressed together in a thin line and his eyes wide, but then Raph came to life and decided to take a step forward, his trademark angry scowl in place. "Okay, I don't know what this is, Bro, but you are seriously-" I raised a hand and he stopped talking too. Keeping Leo locked into place with my body, I turned my head to Raph, raising an eyebrow.
"What, Raphie? What do you want to say to make me quiver this time? I'm sure whatever it is, it'll be enough to make me terrified for my soul. I'll just stop standing up for myself and not say what's on my mind and run and hide in my lab like a good little pet!" I cocked my head to the side and smiled condescendingly at him. "That's what you want, right? I mean, Heaven forbid that someone stand up to you! If someone so much as whispers something slightly concerning you, something that you don't want to hear, you have to scream at them!" As I talked my voice got louder and angrier and until I was practically screaming myself, and even Raph had started to back away from me. But he was still angry.
"Hey, I don't-!"
"Oh, but you do." I frowned at him and looked down at the photo again. "You have always done it. As soon as someone even hints at insulting you, you have to start screaming and yelling and punching. In fact, there's a great word for describing you, Bro. Bully." Raph flinched slightly at the word and his angry frown dropped in an instant.
"Oh yes, that's exactly what you are, Raph. You've always bullied anyone who dares to challenge you and you've never cared about how you might hurt others. You've been belittling me, beating me and trying to make me fear you for our whole lives, and I am so sick of it!"
I chuckled to myself, finally turning away from Leo to give Raph my full attention, and looked down at him, venom in my eyes and tongue. "Heh, it's kinda ironic when you really think about it. I mean, here we have this big, tough guy who can make anyone quiver, but he's really just a scared little child. You go on and on about being the strong one, but you've got the thinnest skin I've ever seen. And you wanna know why? Because you can't take what you dish out. You might act tough, but as soon as someone breathes an insult at you, you have to scream, and cry, and throw a tantrum like the toddler you are."
I frowned and lowered myself down so I could look him straight in the eyes. "But, as pitiful as that is- as you are, it's just not enough for me to excuse all the physical and mental abuse you have put me through. All the times you've made me feel worthless, how bad you've always made me feel. All the beatings, all the insults and all the nightmares you've given me."
Mikey stepped forward with his usual laidback smile on his face and wide-open arms. "Come on, dude, let's not be mad at each other. Let's just hug it out and everything will be fine! Then we can stuff our gobs with pizza and marathon some scary movies!" I rolled my eyes at him and turned to him as he came over to me, waiting for a hug.
"That's just like you, isn't it?" Mikey stopped, arms still open wide, but his smile gone. I smiled wickedly and closed the distance between us, using my height to my advantage and towering over him in the hopes to intimidate. Judging by Mikey's reaction, it was quite effective.
"Thinking that a hug and some food will make up for everything you have ever done to me." Mikey looked up at me like a kicked dog. "You have no idea what it's like to live with you- it's infuriating! You always make a mess, especially in my lab; you never take responsibility for the things you do, have never had to suffer the consequences of your actions. You always make sure we clean up your messes and you play dumb so that you won't have to! You act like you hate the being the youngest, but you play it up all the time so that people will coddle you. And you know what the worst part is? It works. It actually fucking works!"
Mikey took a step back, more angry than hurt. He jutted out his chin and glared up at me. "Hey, it's not my fault! You guys think I'm some kind of goofball or idiot, so-" I took a step forward and his bravery immediately abandoned him. He took a few steps back and his glare softened with uncertainty.
"So you have to put yourself in danger, do incredibly stupid and reckless things, just to prove that you're not? Sounds kinda counterproductive if you ask me, genius." I crossed my arms over my chest casually. "Let me give you some advice, Mikey: if you act like a reckless nimrod, you're gonna be treated like one. It's that simple." My smile fell instantly as I fixed an analytical, disbelieving stare on him. "Or... do you actually want to keep acting like a child? So that we'll keep babying you?" He cringed away, biting his lip and avoiding eye contact. My smirk returned. "You can't have it both ways, Mikey. You can't be the silly kid and the insightful adult- it doesn't work like that."
Mikey pressed his lips into a tight line and the false bravado returned, but his shaking voice gave him away. "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to do those stupid things if you wouldn't treat me like a goofball! You never give me a chance or think I can handle anything! I have to prove that I can!"
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest, grinning dangerously at my little brother. "Easy to blame everyone else but never yourself, isn't it? To point the finger outwards? And for you it's always been an option: to shovel all the blame and responsibility onto those who actually know how to act like fucking adults." The half-smirk/half-glare turned into a full-on death look as I stared unblinkingly into his eyes.
"You obviously don't, little brother. You make stupid decisions or do reckless things and when the consequences come knocking, you make everyone else answer the door. Like when you blamed me for you getting shellacne after you messed around with things in my lab- did you really think you could sprinkle that shit on your skin and not have something happen? Are you really that dense? Or how about when it was all Leo's fault that you broke your leg doing that skateboard trick when we were kids, that trick that Leo specifically told you not to do, because it was too tricky? Or how about every time you get beat up by Raph because you play a prank on him when he's clearly in a bad mood, and then you say that he's the one at fault because 'he can't take a joke'? You never take responsibility for your actions, Mikey, and you keep acting like we're to blame for your fucking mistakes."
Master Splinter finally awakened and moved himself between me and Mikey, who had started to get a little teary-eyed. "Donatello, that is enough. These are your brothers, not your enemies. You do not need to take your aggressions out on them." I narrowed my eyes up at him and clenched my fists. I was about to do something that years of training had told me to never, ever do.
"The fuck? They-" I gestured at my gathered siblings, "-are my aggressions! As are you, Daddy Dearest!" Splinter sighed heavily and closed his eyes, looking more tired than angry. His whiskers and ears drooped slightly and he looked very weary. I could see what he was trying to do- he was gonna try to placate to me by playing the tired, heartbroken old man card and make me back off and feel bad for what I did. Yeah, that's not gonna work this time.
"Donatello, listen to me-" he reached out an arm and put it on my shoulder, but I yanked myself out his grip and glared up at him.
"Why? You've never listened to me!" He pulled back when he heard me yell, his ears twitching and almost lying flat on his head. He pulled his hand back and placed it on his cane. Before he could give any response at all, I opened my mouth again. "No, this is where you fucking zip it, old man! I'm talking and I want you to listen to me now. I've been listening to you talk for years- I think it's time for an interlude."
Master Splinter closed his mouth in shock at my insults; his whiskers twitched a little in irritation, but he nodded slightly to know that he was letting me talk. Not that I was looking for his permission to speak my mind this time. I took a breath and steeled myself before looking my father in the eyes.
"You have never been there for me. None of you have, but when I actively ask for your help and advice, sensei, all you ever give me are vague riddles and fortune cookie sayings for me to figure out for myself- even though you know that I don't get them like you and Leo do! And don't think that I don't know why you do it. You think that because I'm so much smarter than you, I don't need help. That's why you just dropped a bunch of college level books in my lap and left me to my own devices, thinking I could figure everything out for myself without you! And all the attention and good advice went to the others because they 'needed it more' than I did! I needed you! I needed my dad! You-" My voice gave out and I forced myself away from that spot of deep sadness, back into the comfort of rage.
"I've always known you never believed that I could be a capable ninja- you've made that quite clear every day since you started training us. You have never supported me as a ninja or a fighter, but that's all fine and good, because I never believed it, either. Oh, wait, no it's not! You shot my confidence in the foot and still expected me be able to walk on it!"
Master Splinter shook his head and tried to put his hand on my shoulder. "That is not true, Donatello. You are my son and I love-" I growled, deep and guttural, and shoved his hand away from me, fire burning behind my eyes.
"No! Don't touch me! And cut the bullshit, father," I snarled the word so that it sounded more like a curse than the actual swear. "You have never cared about me. You left me alone in my lab, thinking I could take care of myself. And guess what? I can! I can take care of myself and rely on myself and my abilities just fine without you. I don't need your help, or your guidance, or your so-called 'love'! I don't need you!"
I stalked away to lean against the opposite wall, one arm resting on the cool metal and my forehead resting on said arm. In my other hand I still had that photo of our whole family, smiling brightly for the camera and looking… happy. But it was all fake, all deception, and I'd been foolish to think otherwise.
The flame of the candle that was still sitting the middle of the room reflected in the shiny metal wall, drawing me to look up and over my shoulder at it. I was so tired, and watched as the flame danced around gently, eyes half-lidded. I'd been letting go of all of my emotions, all of my hurts and my pain, and now there was barely anything left in me. Just numbness, and an apathy I was quickly growing used to. So when my brothers started taking tentative steps towards me, hesitating at the other end of the room, I could only sigh wearily, all vitriol drained from me. I was just so… done. With all of this.
My voice was soft, even. "I don't need you, and I don't want to. So I guess I have to erase myself from the narrative, as they say." I walked calmly over to the candle, right in the center of the room, and picked it up, holding the photo by one corner in the other hand.
"All my life I've been told that family is all that matters and that all that we need is each other, but that has never been true for me. You have never included me in this family, or loved me for who I was, so I am cutting myself out of it before you can poison me any more!"
Master Splinter's eyes widened and Leo cried, "Donnie, don't!" while I heard Mikey gasp and saw Raph drop the arms that were crossed over his chest. None of them moved closer, as though afraid I would lash out.
I just shrugged it off. "You all did this. You tore me from the fabric of this clan a long time ago- you made me into this." I gestured to myself, letting the disgust show on my face. I wasn't proud of the ragged, broken person I'd become. "You forged this monster with your own flames, so you can stand there and watch it come back around." And with that, I slowly moved the photo over the flame and watched as it caught, the fire quickly spreading over it. I knelt down beside the pile of photos and dropped the burning one on top, making the whole pile catch fire in seconds.
Seeing those pictures, those records of my life, ablaze… it was the spark that lit the last lingering remnants of my anger, and in my rage I yanked off all the gear I was wearing, snatched the wooden staff leaning against the wall, the t-Phone off the floor and everything else that was connected to my life on Earth, all while spewing words as though they were acid, dripping from my mouth through clenched teeth.
"The world doesn't have any right to my heart and my feelings. They will never know how you hurt me and how you rejected me, because I will make sure that no one will ever know that you knew me! They will never know that I'm connected to the likes of you. All of the evidence will burn to the ground, just like my connections to you!"
I stared at my 'family', all frozen in shock and staring at the fire- except for Leo, who had rushed forward to try and save at least one of the photos, but was too late to salvage any.
I wasn't done. I stalked over to the growing fire again and dropped item after item onto the fire, punctuating each sentence I said with one after another.
"I reject this clan!" My wrappings.
"I reject its legacy!" Elbow and knee pads.
"I reject my place in it!" I snapped my staff over my knee and dropped the pieces in.
"I reject all of you!" I threw my t-phone into the fire and then turned to snatch up the last connection to my family in this room: the bloody, battered, nearly destroyed mask lying at my feet.
"And I reject every single memory of when we were a family!" I was screaming at the top of my lungs at this point, looking my family in the eyes as I dropped the mask into the rising flames. I watched their heartbroken faces as it caught fire and was destroyed in seconds, gone with everything else.
Then I curled up and fell to my knees, forearms braced on the floor and my head hanging low. "I hope all of you burn, too," I whispered.
And just like that, all of my emotions had been spent. I just lay there, not speaking, trying to reign in my breathing. The comforting numbness came in and cocooned me, and I was alright again. As long as I was detached from all of that pain, everything was alright.
I only saw it in my periphery when my holographic family members started disappearing one by one. I lifted my head in time to watch Master Splinter give me one last saddened look before he was gone, and only then did I realize I was crying. It was the oddest thing- tears were streaming down my face, but I wasn't wracked with sobs. I didn't want to yell, or cry out, or crumple my face or even sniffle. I stared blankly at the teardrops that landed on the metallic floor, not sure why they were there. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry. I wasn't anything, really. It was like my body was crying while my mind remained unfazed. It was a concerning detachment that I couldn't quite figure out.
I stood on my knees, resting my clenched fists on the floor in front of me, still panting from all my yelling and raving and trying to reign in my thoughts and emotions.
I winced as those voices rang in my head again.
"Yeah, that's right, ya damn rep, cry! I would too if I was forced to be one!"
"Look at that, so scared. It's so damn pathetic."
"What a weakling."
"Cry for me, terrapin."
"Looking good, freak!"
"Just what their kind deserves. Disgusting pieces of shit!"
"You're a reptile! You don't know anything at all! Everything you are is a lowlife, worthless little street rat, and that's all you will ever be!"
"I hope you remember this moment the next time you think you'll ever be anything more than weak, pathetic little terrapin freak!"
That sparked something in me, and the apathy gently unwound itself from my heart and ushered me towards emotion again- the tears were still falling from my eyes and no amount of blinking or scrubbing at them made them ebb. But they were not tears of sadness or pain anymore, but of rage. I clenched my eyes shut and swiped away the few remaining tears from my face. I also vaguely registered a beeping in the back of my head, but as soon as that thought came, it was gone.
"Never again." The words were barely carried on my breath as I watched the flames flicker, then die. "No one is ever going to call me weak. Never again."
"Donnie?" My head snapped up to look at Mona, standing in the doorway, her short hair messy and her eyes hazy- she had just woken up. She looked very concerned and eyed me and the heap of ashes on the floor in front of me. "What are you doing? Why aren't you in bed?"
I got up and dusted myself off, all thoughts of my emotional woes gone. "Uh, hey, Mona. Uh, I just… burned some junk, that's all. I'm going to bed right now." I picked up the candle, blew it out and took it with me out of the room. But Mona kept staring after me as I went; I could feel her eyes on the back of my neck. I chose to ignore her; it would be best for her not to know what had happened tonight.
I took a deep breath and put the candle on my bedside table before I got into bed, my hand tightly clenched around the amulet on my neck.
A/N: Wow, this chapter was finished fast and I feel pretty satisfied with how this one turned out. Also, I am just gonna say that I am not that well-read about panic attacks, so if it's not that accurate, I'm sorry and if you know better or more about it, please tell me how I can do better in the future.
Also, in case you didn't get the references, this chapter was heavily inspired by the song Burn from Hamilton, and the song First Burn which is connected to the musical.
I hope you liked this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!