A Million Miles Apart

A/N: I'M AN AUNT! Oh my God, you guys, this is so exciting! My sister just had a baby and now I am officially an aunt. We're going to visit them in a few weeks, (they live in London) and I can't wait to meet him!

Also, a fast update for once! It's been a while since we've had those, am I right? I'd like to promise I'll keep it up, but hey, I've been pretty bad at keeping those kinds of promises, right?

I hope you'll like this chapter and please review, favorite and follow!

Chapter 69, Waiting In The Wings

I suppose I should've been feeling worse than I was. But in some weird way, I couldn't feel sorry for my actions.

Even if Starlee and Jhanna felt betrayed by what I had done and the others were suspicious and mistrustful of how this would turn out.

I was lying on my bed in my room, going over what had been said and done in the last hour and whether it all had been a good idea. Sure, I had- in some way- possibly gotten through to Moriah and made her reconsider her choices about where she was heading and where she wanted to go. But I had also gone behind my teammates' backs and made a very big decision without their input or consent. Then again, they had left me out of a debriefing, had talked about things that I had every right to know about and also lied to my face about the conclusion they had come to. So yeah, who cared if I had done the same thing back? It's not like they did much better in comparison.

Still, Starlee and Jhanna had very clearly not liked this at all. Jhanna in particular seemed to hate it - that had been made very clear. She clearly had a lot of bad blood with her sister and wanted nothing more than to cut her out of her life all together.

I could relate.

I also felt like a bit of a hypocrite for wanting my brothers and father out of my life and having- quite dramatically, now that I look back on it- burned every bridge connecting us before this crazy adventure had landed in my lap, while also forcing Jhanna to deal with her sister who she clearly resented and wanted nothing to do with.

And that's not even mentioning the look of betrayal on Starlee's face and how she had just seemed so hollow after hearing what I had done. While I thought Starlee might be a little bit more open to hear Moriah's point of view and learn at least WHY she had done what she had, I didn't think she would jump at the opportunity to talk to her now... especially considering how she'd made it clear to Moriah that she didn't consider her to be her sister anymore.

So yeah, I was a bit conflicted.

I sighed and hugged my pillow to my chest. In some ways, when I looked back at the past few weeks, I had become a tad more impulsive and didn't tend to overthink quite as much as I tended to so many times back on Earth and even here in space sometimes. So maybe I could blame my decision on recklessness and lack of thinking, but I didn't feel quite satisfied with that answer. It felt too easy, like I was shifting the blame. Sure, it might have been reckless to make a decision without my team's approval, but I had still thought about it. It hadn't been a spur of the moment decision, it had been carefully considered before I went through with it. I hadn't rushed in without a second thought like Jhanna always did. Or Raph or Mikey.

Sure, the decision to give Moriah the choice to stay or go had more or less been made on the go. I hadn't had any real plans to keep her here until I heard what she had to say. And then, out of thin air it seemed, the story of the scorpion and the frog had come to mind and suddenly I was offering her a place onboard my ship. I couldn't really say what had possessed me to give her that choice, let alone where the idea had come from.

Or… I guess I kinda did.

Like all things these days, it always seemed to come back to my brothers, or in this case: Leonardo the Great... and Narcissistic. Leo had gone on for months about Karai and giving her a second chance (for the second time, I guess) and convince her that Splinter was her real father and to come back to her real family. It had started to become exceedingly grating after the first few weeks, but I guess all that yammering had eventually gotten to me and made me rethink my decision to kick Moriah to the curb and give her a second chance of sorts.

No, I hadn't been wrong. Moriah would just be a bigger threat if we let her go, even if we did leave her to rot in some other cell in some other prison. We would need someone to keep an eye on her so she couldn't get the drop on us again and foil our plans. I had enough problems to deal with; I didn't want to have to deal with the equivalent of Karai toying with Leo whilst a Kraang invasion was days away.

So what if Jhanna and Starlee might hate me for a while? It was a better choice than leaving it all up to chance. If I'd learned one thing from these past few days it was that I had been too lenient. I had foolishly forgotten about Moriah simply because she had saved my life that one time. So what? She was still a threat and needed to be kept under tight surveillance to make sure she wouldn't cause any more problems.

No, I wasn't wrong. I had done the right thing! Of course I had; handing her over to the cops wouldn't do anything. She'd break out and pick up the chase immediately and where would it end? I was just being smart and keeping her close enough that she couldn't do anything more to stop us.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, as the saying went.

But then, what if she did have some good in her? What if we, or at least Jhanna and Starlee- who she claimed to love so much- could make her see that what she had been doing was wrong and help her turn her life around? It could happen, right? If Traximus had the courage and strength to see that the Prime Leader was a horrible leader and turn on them, or Mona and Jhanna and Starlee could leave their lives to fight for others when they didn't have to, who was to say that Moriah couldn't? Especially if General Blanque was as abusive to her as he had been to Jhanna.

But still…

I groaned lowly and threw the pillow over my face, groaning even louder into it. "Damn you, Leo." I cursed into the soft, downy materials. "Damn you and your never-ending spiel of second chances and helping a terrible person see the light when they don't deserve it."

Typical, wasn't it? Even after laying it all out there for myself and my family- albeit through holograms- that I wanted nothing more to do with them and had burned my bridges, tore myself out of the narrative that I had forced to live in for all my life, my stupid brothers still refused to leave me alone.

Fucking typical.

I was shaken out of my thoughts when I heard my stomach rumble and I suddenly felt how hungry I was. How long had it been since breakfast? I hadn't had lunch today; I'd stormed off to brood for who knows how long? I needed to eat something, preferably soon, since I had gotten used to a more regular eating and sleeping schedule now that I'd started to train more and put every ounce of strength and energy into making sure I would succeed at this mission.

Plus, maybe eating something would help me feel a little better. I could use some cheering up, even if it was through food.

My mind made up, I stood.

I found myself surprised that the corridors were dark and silent as the grave. How long had I been in there, wallowing in my own self-pity? Had I missed dinner? And if so, why had no one come to get me or ask if I wanted to join them? Sure, things had been a little tense before and the mood had been a little sour today, but still.

I found my mood souring again and clutched the amulet as I approached the dining room, the slight warmth of the metal against my hand calming me ever so slightly.

The room was deserted, just as I had assumed it would be, and the lights were out as well with the exception of the faint floor lighting to guide me. I was alone, again, and left to my own thoughts.

I got myself a pizza from the food replicator and sat down at the table to eat. But the second I took a bite from one of the slices, my whole body suddenly revolted. My throat and stomach seemed to spasm and I only had seconds to turn away from the table before the few contents that were left in my stomach spilled out over the floor, the little pizza I had in my mouth garnishing the puddle of food and gastric acid on the floor.

At first I just sat there, tried to take deep breaths and took a few gentle sips of water to calm my stomach and clear my throat. But once I was sure I wasn't going to throw up again, I sat back in my chair and tried to grasp what had just happened. I hadn't felt sick earlier and I hadn't gone hungry long enough for my stomach to be sensitive, so what happened? All I had done was take a small bite of pizza, what could possibly have-

Pizza.

Suddenly the word- and the dish- made me wrinkle my nose and frown in what I can only describe as disgust. I even had to look away from the plate in front of me so my stomach wouldn't rebel again. I actually surprised myself with that reaction. Pizza had been my favorite dish for almost two and a half years now; I had eaten it almost everyday for so long- why would it suddenly make me look at it the same way I had worms and algae for so many years? I loved pizza! The smell, the crunchiness of the crust, the taste of melted cheese, tomatoes and pepperoni and how it all just seemed to melt in my mouth. It was just about the greatest thing I had ever tasted.

So why would it suddenly make me sick after just a bite- that I didn't even swallow?

But... it was also my brothers' favorite food. It was one of the few things we had in common. Sure, Mikey might be the biggest pizza fan in the family- to the point of obsession, but whatever, that was his problem- but we all really loved it and sometimes fights had broken out over who got the last slice.

Okay, so maybe we were all a little obsessed with it. Just a little.

But I had made a decision to cut my family out of my life- even going so far as to burn all of my personal belongings from before all this space madness. So why should something like my favorite dish remain, since it still connected me to my family in so many ways?

I wanted to start over, right? So why not go all the way and turn myself into a blank slate? New favorites, new interests and new ways to live my life without thoughts of the past holding me back? That food replicator out there could make me anything I wanted, so why not take advantage of that and try anything I had ever wanted to taste but couldn't?

I looked back down at the plate in front of me. It was probably the first time a normal, unadjusted pizza had looked so disgusting to me, and it was only minutes after having thought it looked tasty, as it had for a long time now. It suddenly looked completely unappetizing and I couldn't bring myself to take another bite. So I got up and threw it back into the machine so it would break back down into carbon atoms for the machine to turn into new food. Then I got a wet rag and wiped up the puke from the floor (Ew!) and cleaned up before sitting back down by the food replicator again.

After waiting for my stomach to settle a little I had to stop and think about what I wanted. Pizza was out of the question for the moment, and after considering pizza gyoza, shut that down as well, considering they had been invented for all of us. Also pizza was in the title, so no. When I considered Ramen or even trying sushi (Lord knows why, though- I have never liked fish that much so why would I like it raw?) I immediately shut that train of thought down. Any food that connected to Japan or Asia in general was a connection to my father, which was just as bad as my brothers.

But there wasn't a whole lot that I had eaten back on Earth that felt really enticing, and nothing I had seen or heard of felt interesting enough to try it. I had never tried anything that crazy or different, like kebab or hamburgers or anything like that. And my stomach still felt a little unsettled, so it probably wasn't the best idea to eat that anyway, so what to eat?

When I looked back, I remembered that soup we had back on Filione. That had been really good, probably one of the better foods I had tried since coming to space, though to be fair that wasn't really saying a whole lot.

And hey, soup was usually good when you had a weak stomach, so it felt like a good substitute for pizza, at least for now.

This time eating went better. My stomach didn't rebel against the food and it felt much better to have something warm to eat. The soup was just as good as it had been on Filione, perhaps even better. It warmed my body up from the tips of my fingers to my toes and I just felt better now that I got some sustenance in me.

But that warmth only lasted for a short time, because being alone in a big room made my thoughts wander back to what had happened today. How my so-called friends had excluded me from a debriefing that they thought was so important, yet couldn't be bothered to let me be a part of. Plus the fact that they had so obviously lied to my face about the conclusion they had come to… it really stung. After everything we had been through up until today, I had really hoped that we could trust each other, especially considering they had put me in the Leader role in the first place. I hadn't begged to be put in charge or jumped at the chance to bark out orders or give commands; they had trusted me enough to handle that position and get them through missions alive. And even more especially after Ypsagon, when I had opened up to them about stuff I hadn't ever felt comfortable telling anyone- even April- and after all the fun we'd had afterwards, I had hoped that we could be on the way to becoming a real team.

But once things had become serious again, I had been shunted to the side while they dealt with the actual problems. Again.

But I guess that had been my role in life for so long anyway, so it would be hard to shake. I had always been shoved into the background or overshadowed by everything my brothers did while they got the spotlight all to themselves. Far too often, too, in my opinion. For every time that I had a breakthrough in something, whether it be in my training or some cool new weapons or gadgets or finding a way to freaking reverse mutations, they had always somehow managed to either steal the attention somehow, dismiss my success as not too impressive, or do something that somehow outshined me. It always happened, without fail, and looking back on it all, it really pissed me off.

I had always worked hard to make sure that I was needed in my family and earned my place in it, but in the end it never felt like it was enough. They had always had something to complain about, whether it be big or small. Never a good enough ninja, never a good enough inventor, never a good enough son or brother, and so I was always shoved back into the shadows, waiting for my moment to shine. Always looking from the ground while they were allowed to spread their wings and soar far above me, waiting for my chance. A chance that never came.

I realized I had finished the bowl and now just sat there, gripping it so tightly it might crack soon, so I put it aside, resting my chin in my hand, gripping my knee tightly with the other hand before going back to my thoughts.

That's how it always ended up. Whenever I saw a chance to shine, in any aspect of life, I had always managed to screw it up or miss that chance entirely, leaving me with nothing while they got everything.

Mikey didn't even have to try anymore. He could screw up or just do whatever and somehow manage to walk away with a great solution and the 'awesome job, Mikey!' despite him just being lucky. He was no genius; he couldn't just throw stuff together and miraculously find the solution to whatever problem we had... but he still managed to do it. Plus, he really liked to play the 'being the youngest and cutest and most innocent' card. Whenever it didn't work out and he did mess up, the blame always landed on one of us instead. It just wasn't fair that it worked every. single. time! Like, when I messed up Leo would get on my case about making a sloppy mistake, Raph would yell at me or threaten to beat me, Splinter would give me the disappointed eye, but Mikey walked away with a slight scolding and then praise at the end of the day, because it somehow ended up with him saving the day so then it didn't matter that he was the one who caused the problem in the first place, right?

Ugh, gag me.

Raph… okay, Raph did get his fair share of repercussions and scoldings if I was to be completely honest, but negative attention is still attention. And I couldn't possibly count all the hours that Splinter had spent trying to teach Raph to control his anger, giving him everything from a scolding to comfort to support with his struggles. And even despite all of that, Raph somehow also got more of it due to being the strongest and the warrior of the family. Always ready for a fight, always giving it his all and coming out on top enough to get his moment in the limelight more than me.

And then there was Leo, of course. Leo had always been the favorite, always got the glory, the praise and the status as the best son. But since he became Leader, he had just become a balloon, given more and more of the praise and success and everything that he was just about ready to lift from the ground and fly off into the sky. Seriously, it was always 'Leonardo this' or 'Leonardo that', 'Splinter made me Leader, guys, that means you do what I say' and 'Guys, I'm Leader! I give the orders!' Urgh, seriously, there had been so many times that I had wanted to grab him by the shoulders, shake him and say 'Get over yourself! Seriously, you are not as great as you think you are!'

But despite all this, they were always seen. They had bigger personalities than me. They were easily seen, more outgoing and loud and always ready to shine in any way they could. So how could I- reserved, introverted, quiet, insecure- possibly stand a chance in a fight to be noticed? I never stood a chance, and even when I tried my hardest to get some approval and earn my stripes, it had just never been enough. I had hoped I would get the chance to have someone get to know the real me and like me for everything I was and did when we met April, but aside from screwing up more often than not, I had ended up missing my chances and now she had clearly made her choice. She had chosen her hero, her best friend and shoulder to lean on, and it clearly wasn't me.

And even now, on the brink of a war that I started, leading a fight against the biggest alien threat this side of the galaxy, I still wasn't taken seriously. I was still just a stupid little kid in way over his head and just needed to go home before I ended up getting hurt.

'Never seen. Never heard. Never taken seriously. Never given the chance to step of out the shadows and into the light to show what I could do. Never anything. Always unfairly overlooked. Always underestimated. Always underappreciated. Always waiting. Always kept waiting in the wings, longing for the chance to prove myself that would never come.'

I clenched my hands into fists and closed my eyes tightly, taking a deep breath through my nose. No, I wasn't going to cry over this, I refused to cry like a child over this. I had shed enough tears over trivial matters. I had to stay patient, stay strong and keep trying. My chance would come this time, I just knew it. The Triceratons had the first piece of the Black Hole Generator that they had stolen from us, and now I could really prove that they were messing with the wrong turtle.

'I'll show them. I'll show every single one of those Triceratons that I am someone to take seriously.'

I am the same turtle that survived falling through a portal and landing on a hostile alien planet. The same turtle that had taken the reins of a dangerous mission to save my home. The same turtle that had stood up against monsters, mutants and aliens and come out on top in the end. I could handle anything these guys threw at me.

'I'll make them take me seriously. They'll see just how serious this guy is about stopping them and depowering Zanramon! They'll see.'

And so what if no one would cheer or clap or give me the praise that I deserved? I didn't need it. I wasn't so arrogant or full of myself that I needed others to tell me I was great. The only one I needed to convince of that was myself. I was the only one who needed to know my worth.

'You'd better watch your back, Zanramon. Better make sure to keep guarded, so I can't stick my staff right up your-'

"Donatello?"

I blinked, noticed that I had a hand around my amulet again and let go of it, looking up from the spot on the floor where my eyes had been locked for several minutes and up at the door where Traximus stood. He looked a bit surprised and a little concerned to see me. "Are you still up? I thought everyone was asleep by now."

So I was right, it was night after all.

I shrugged and gestured with my head to the empty bowl beside me. "I was a bit hungry. Got up to get something to eat."

Traximus nodded and smiled gently. "I thought you would be at some point. The Professor said we should have asked you to eat with us, but we figured you might want some space, like those other times you've been a tad depressed."

'Oh you did, did you?' I thought with sneer, looking away and rolling my eyes. Yeah, here he comes and tries to show concern but still didn't want to do anything to help me or make sure I was okay.

"Okay, thanks," I muttered without looking at him, crossing my arms over my chest.

Traximus sighed and walked up to the couch, sitting down beside me, leaving a few inches of space between us. We sat there in silence for a while and I made no effort to talk or even look at him. If he had something to say to me he could make the first move. I had done nothing wrong here and I didn't owe him any-

Traximus sighed again. "You know, Donatello, I used to have a son."

I blinked, confused, before tilting my head to look up at him, still trying to move as little as possible and to look as disinterested as I could.

"I adopted him, a long time ago. He was still young at the time, but old enough to have already formed his own view of things. And it wasn't always a very good or healthy one to have, of the world or of others." He sighed again, this time a more despondent sigh, his shoulders slumped slightly and his head fell forward, resting his forehead against his lightly clenched hands.

"And… I wasn't as supportive or caring as I could have been. This was before Zanramon's time, and I wasn't the same Triceraton that I am today. I was arrogant, short-sighted and not as caring of others as I could have been."

He looked directly at me and I was taken aback by the emotion in his eyes. Traximus was normally fairly stoic; few things ever seemed to faze him. But now he looked more like a dog left out in the rain than a strong, tough warrior. And- against my will- my stupid heart started to soften up ever so slightly.

"Looking back, I wish I had done more to help him. To protect him and make sure he got the love and care that he needed and deserved. But instead I assumed he would grow out of his- hmm, what's a good a term? teenage angst phase- with time. But instead he grew colder and more distant."

He shifted his gaze away I could have sworn I saw a lone tear fall from his eye. "By the time I saw how bad it had become and how he was truly feeling, it was too late. I had no way to reach him and he resents me for not being there for him. He thinks I only took him in to earn other troops' favor, that others would think better of me for adopting 'damaged goods', so to speak. He refuses to acknowledge me as anything other than a traitor."

I stared at Traximus for a long time, unsure of what to say. He clearly had something he wanted to illustrate with this story, but I wasn't sure what. And there was something about the tale that felt familiar somehow. I couldn't help but feel that he was waiting for me piece it together too, so I bit my lip while the wheels turned in my brain as I tried to make the pieces fit somehow.

'Adopted a son, son had a poor view of the world from the start, became unreachable and thinks Traximus is-

Wait.

My jaw fell open and my eyes almost popped out of their sockets as it finally clicked.

"Zanramon is your son?!"

I suppose it was kinda bad to feel horror at the idea of Zanramon coming from a good person, but it just felt so surreal. I had always seen Traximus as someone who, if he decided to have kids, would be firm and strong but still fair and kind. So how could he have raised someone who would turn out to be the galaxy's worst tyrant? It just didn't add up.

does not compute. invalid data. does not compute.

Traximus turned to me. "Donatello, the reason I am telling you this is because this is something that has been eating at my conscience for decades. Not only have I failed a child and allowed him to turn into a monster, not only did I do nothing to protect him from others who treated him as they did, not only was I too arrogant to make sure a child's mental and emotional wellbeing came first and foremost, but because of all of this, all my mistakes as a parental figure, it resulted in everything that has happened to the Triceraton Republic over the last few decades. I had the chance to prevent it, many years ago, but I did nothing to make sure this boy didn't turn out a better Triceraton in the end."

He closed his eyes, looking very pained and remorseful from all this reminiscing. A soft huff escaped his nostrils, sounding almost like a horse. "When nothing I said or did could change his mind, I saw the only possible way to prevent anything worse from happening was to overthrow him and lock him in a cell and then maybe get him help. But he saw it all coming, had his guards trap me and he threw me in the Prison, leaving me to my fate."

I stared at him and any and all feelings of resentment or anger or attempts to hold a grudge were entirely gone. I didn't really know what to say or do or even think, it was all so much to take in all at once. Traximus being Zanramon's dad was surreal enough, but to also swallow how all it might have affected the galaxy? Wow, and I thought I had a guilt complex! This guy might actually hold himself responsible for everything that has happened since Zanramon took the throne. Yikes.

Traximus placed his hand on my shoulder and looked me right in the eyes. "Donatello. Ever since you showed up in that prison, ever since you broke us out of there, I've seen you more and more as a second chance. I want to help you succeed, not only because it's the right thing to do to save your people from being destroyed, but also because it might ease my conscience that you turn out better than how Zanramon did. I didn't do enough to help with his own baggage when I had the chance, so I wish to help you achieve your goal and help you become the hero I know you have inside you. So I help you train and try to build up your confidence because you will need it, and because I want you to become the best that you can be."

I licked my lips and tried to make myself speak, but it was like my tongue and brain didn't want to cooperate and nothing came out. I didn't really know how to take everything he had just told me. I was kinda touched that he wanted me to succeed and was doing everything he could to help me fulfill my potential; that was very nice of him. But to hear that he kind of saw me as a way to redeem himself made me feel a little like a tool in some ways.

But then Traximus smiled at me and said, in a much lighter voice. "I never cared much for having children when I was younger, but if I ever had a child of my own, I would hope that they would turn out like you. Smart, kind, courageous... a good and strong kid. And I can only hope I do you more justice than I did Zanramon."

His compliment made me feel warm, like I had felt when April hugged me or Splinter told me he was proud of me. Like someone cared about me. So I smiled back and finally managed to get my mouth working again. "Thank you, Traximus."

He smiled a little wider. "You're welcome."

But then his smile fell again and he went back to remorse. "But you have to remember, Donatello, that I am not always good at knowing how to handle children. Or people in general, if I'm to be honest. So I am sorry if I scared you or made you feel left out or like I didn't think you could handle hearing what we talked about earlier today. I simply wanted to protect you in case the information the girls told us would be too graphic, since you were already in such a traumatic and unforgivable situation."

I looked away. I really didn't want to think about the blood or those things that those club patrons had said and done. Those things were better left forgotten.

Traximus continued, "And when we learned that nothing could possibly have happened other than some very strange accident or that there was someone else there that wanted to sabotage us that we don't know about, we were sure that nothing we said could convince you that that was true. So I want to tell you, with my hand on my heart, that as far as we know it was nothing else than a tragic and strange accident, and I am deeply sorry for making such a big affair out of it and making you feel left out."

I swallowed, looked down at the floor, licked my lips and then looked back up at Traximus. I tried for a smile, though I'm sure this one looked a bit more forced. "Thank you, Traximus. I really appreciate that."

He grinned, looking very relieved, and patted me on the shell.

"Good. Now go and get some sleep. I wish to go through some new things during training tomorrow."

I nodded and he left the room. I took a deep breath and tried to take in everything that I had just heard and decide what to do with it all. It had certainly given me a new perspective of my friend, but all these thoughts he had about me and everything else he said made me feel a little uneasy. I took another deep breath and let my exhaustion wash over me.

'I'll sort of all of this out tomorrow. Right now I need some sleep.' So I gathered up the bowl, placed it in the hatch for dishes and then went off to bed. Today had been rather eventful and I really wanted some peace for a few hours before we started to chase after that Black Hole Generator piece.

A/N: Done! I know I said we might have to wait for some juicy stuff, but then I came up with this idea and it started to flow on its own, almost. Always glad when chapters make themselves easy to write, makes things so much easier for me. Hopefully there are some readers out there who haven't given up on this story yet and can appreciate it with me.

Thank you for reading, I hope you liked this chapter and please review, favorite and follow! G'night everybody!