Cold Secrets

-M. Lauren

Chapter Fourteen

Her hands clasped tight in her lap. Elsa's wide eyes fixed to the door. Honeymaren had left it ajar, and she had to wonder if that had been done intentionally.

It was nearly impossible to focus on anything other than the voices beyond the wall. With each passing minute, their volume increased. The more-masculine tone sounded hostile. There was so much anger involved, though it was hard to hear specifics.

Elsa couldn't tell at one point if the two were getting closer, or if their argument had reached its peak. Bits and pieces of conversation began to resonate with her. She could hear Ryder's name being used most often.

She went from questioning their proximity, to full-on fearing it. A shadow moved behind the crack in the door. Elsa's first instinct was to hide. Yet, that felt silly in the grand scheme of things. She wasn't doing anything wrong. Instead, she tucked back into the bed. Her knees tucked against her chest. Elsa could hear every word being said now, and with it; her own anger blossomed in place of fear.

"Don't touch that door!" It was Honeymaren. Her tone was sharp, and Elsa imagined her expression looked about the same.

"Come on now, baby… It's a holiday. Don't be like that…"

They were right outside the room. Elsa could hear the masculine voice sing with a cockiness that stung.

"I will not repeat myself. You had the option to take him tonight and you turned it down!"

The man laughed. "Now you are punishing me for working? My lawyer will love that one…"

"And how will your lawyer feel when they learn you showed up at my apartment uninvited?" Honeymaren countered.

"There's nothing that says I can't be here-"

"Not yet, anyway…"

Sudden movement caught Elsa's eyes. The shadow moved closer to the door.

"Is that a threat?" The man demanded.

"How is that any different than you threatening me with your lawyer?"

Elsa caught a glimpse of brown hair between the door and its frame. Honeymaren had her back to it. She was using herself as a barrier, and Elsa instantly wondered if things could get physical.

"This is ridiculous, Mare! Why does it always have to be like this between us? Just let me see my son and let's be done with it. You can't keep him from me!"

Beyond the stairs, Ryder whined. Their shouting had no-doubt stirred him.

"No, you cannot. One, because he's asleep. Two, because we have a schedule, and it's not fair to punish either of us when you break an agreement. And three, because both of us know you're not sober!"

He scoffed.

"Don't deny it!" Honeymaren scolded. "I've always been able to tell with you."

"I haven't been drinking… if that's what you're suggesting."

"You know, I really don't care what 'it' is… I will not let you see Ryder like this."

As if on queue, Ryder's tiny cries grew louder. The yelling continued, and Elsa had to assume Honeymaren couldn't hear him. Slowly, she tiptoed from the bed. She reached the door and quietly slid it open.

The light from the downstairs bedroom seemed to provoke him further. Ryder stood at the center of his crib and began to wail. In an instant, Elsa sheltered him in her arms. She settled in the rocking chair and gently tried to soothe him back to sleep.

Downstairs the yelling persisted. However, so did Ryder's tears. The louder his parents fought, the harder he cried. His tiny hand clung to Elsa's collar as she rocked him.

"This is pointless now! The kid's awake… let me fucking see him!"

"He's awake because you woke him up!" Honeymaren sounded near tears.

Hands fought for the door handle, and Elsa finally saw the man she'd dreaded to meet.

He stood at the base of the stairs appearing winded. Honeymaren was quick on his tail and caught his arm with her hand. He pulled roughly away from her as he ascended the stairs. He flicked on the light and his eyes suddenly drove wide.

"Who are you?" His angry tone was thick.

Elsa's hand covered Ryder's head. "I'm a friend of Honeymaren's."

He stared blankly at her for a minute. Taking advantage of his distracted state, Honeymaren pushed past him. She stationed herself in front of Elsa and cast a dark glare at her ex.

"Wait a minute, I recognize her…" he pointed. "That's the chick from the coffee shop- the one you said you didn't know!"

"Yeah well, I lied…" Honeymaren snarled.

Hearing his mother, Ryder's cries worsened. He fought from Elsa's arms as he tried to get to her. Honeymaren turned with a sigh. She briefly met Elsa's eyes and pulled Ryder onto her hip.

Elsa came to stand beside her. The lines in the man's forehead seemed to stretch while she did.

"What's going on here?" he pointed between them.

"It's none of your business, Ricco!" she turned Ryder to face him. "Now, as you can see, Ryder is here. He's upset and tired, and it's time for you to go."

Ricco looked between Elsa and Honeymaren. His dark eyes grew with intensity. "All you had to say was you had a guest over, Mare…" he smiled and his anger quickly faded. "I'm a reasonable guy. I would have left straight away…"

His hands hid cockily in his pockets. Honeymaren stroked Ryder's back and his cries began to soften. She said nothing in reply, but Elsa still felt Ricco was known for his dishonesty.

"Anyway, don't worry about tonight…" he grinned. "We'll get together soon. I have Ryder on the fourteenth, but I'm sure I'll see you before then…" Ricco winked.

Elsa didn't like the way he looked at Honeymaren. It was aggressive, and it worked to prove as if he expected something from her by being there. Elsa's own face remained passive when Ricco turned to her.

"It was lovely to meet you, ma'am." He mocked a salute. "Ladies…"

Ricco sang before spinning to the stairs. His shoulders pulled straight and he left their sight. Honeymaren didn't move until she heard the door slam behind him.

"Here, take him."

Ryder was easily transferred into Elsa's arms. Near asleep, he didn't mind when his mother walked away. Honeymaren's disappearance, however, caused Elsa to frown.

She idly bounced Ryder in her hold. His eyelids weighed heavy and he gave a slow blink. In a short minute Ryder was dozing once more. His head lolled, and Elsa replaced him in the crib.

Stepping back, she looked down at him. His lip wedged between his teeth. The top of his brown head was mused, and his cheeks were red. Very gently, Elsa covered him with his blanket before turning around.

Her heart lurched at once.

Honeymaren had appeared in the doorway. Her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes followed up to Elsa's from the floor.

"Sorry…" she whispered. "I was locking up. Is he asleep?"

Elsa nodded. Honeymaren waved her out of the room and turned the light off behind them. Once down stairs, she closed the door. Elsa hadn't made it far from her. She stood before Honeymaren with her hands wrung at her waist.

Honeymaren's lips pulled to the side. Elsa didn't appear angered by the intrusion; only frightened. The sight triggered Honeymaren to sigh.

"Elsa, look, I'm sorry…" she began.

Shaking her head, Elsa raised a single hand. "Why are you apologizing to me? Nothing that just happened here is your fault."

"No, see, this was the part of my life I was trying to keep you out of!"

Elsa frowned. "I don't think it works that way. I'm either in your life, or I'm not."

Her hands dragged through her hair. Most of the vibrant coloring in Honeymaren's face had paled with stress. "There's nothing enjoyable about this! Can't you see that?"

"I didn't say it was enjoyable… I said it wasn't your fault." Elsa's lips pursed in frustration.

"But it is my fault! I caused this, and now it's you who has to witness the world of shit I've created for myself! And you're scared! I know you are… I can tell. Ricco scared you, and god! He scares me too now. But the point is… I have to feel like this. You don't! You don't have to deal with this garbage, and it would be so much easier on me if you'd just leave and forget all about this!"

Elsa's eyes widened. "-this, as in… forget about us?"

She got her answer when Honeymaren averted her gaze.

"You don't want that." Elsa defended.

"No. You're right. I don't… but the alternative hurts, too." Her brown eyes glazed slightly as Honeymaren dropped to the foot of the bed.

Elsa tentatively sat beside her. "How does sharing this part of your life with me hurt you?"

Shrugging, Honeymaren's hands clasped in her lap. "It doesn't paint the best picture of me… It's embarrassing! I know once it's all out there in the open, you'll want to leave me anyway…"

Elsa drew in a short breath. "The alternative is never telling me and there always being a rift between us."

With a thud, Honeymaren fell onto her back. Looking up at the ceiling, she covered her face with her hands and groaned. "Can't we go back to how things were an hour ago?"

Laughing softly, Elsa relaxed onto her side. "I wish we could, but unfortunately that wouldn't help us solve any of this."

"You mean there's more to deal with than just my stupid ex?" her neck stretched to see Elsa better.

Elsa thought back to their conversation prior to Ricco's arrival. It seemed so far away now. Suddenly Elsa was no longer concerned for herself, and instead more worried about Honeymaren. Her reaction to this new relationship was beginning to make sense in Elsa's mind. If she could help Honeymaren through her own insecurities, she might be more open to accepting hers.

"First of all, I'm still under the impression you don't want me to help out around here… that's something we're going to need to work on."

"What do you mean?" Honeymaren frowned.

Elsa drew higher up on the bed. Honeymaren did the same until they were facing.

"Allowing me to do dishes or help with Ryder… you can't be beating yourself up everytime it happens. That's who I am. It's what I do. There's no stopping me now, but there's also no sense in causing yourself guilt because of it. If I didn't want to support you or help you, I wouldn't be here." Elsa explained.

Her brows still held low. "Okay…" Honeymaren sang, unconvinced.

"I need you to meet me halfway with that, alright? If you feel I'm overstepping, tell me; but also be prepared to deal with me trying to make your life a little bit easier while I'm here."

"I'm not used to receiving help, is all…" Honeymaren's eyes fell to the mattress. "-my mother, sure, but I try not to inconvenience her anymore than necessary. It makes accepting help from people really hard."

Elsa shifted slightly. "I can see that. You are very stubborn… but what do you think- can you at least try?"

Honeymaren bit down on her lip. "I will."

"Good!" Elsa smiled. "See, and that's one conversation out of the way."

Groaning, Honeymaren tipped her head back. "Oh god! How much more is there?" she teased.

Seeing the spark of humor in her brown eyes had Elsa's expression tightening. She smirked and tilted her head. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to…"

"No, no… go on, Snowflake… I trust you. You were right, this is the right thing to do."

Her face softened. Very cautiously Elsa reached out and laid her hand over Honeymaren's wrist. "I would like you to tell me about him- about your ex… only what you want to, of course; but I need you to help me understand."

She could see Honeymaren fighting it. Her eyes moved in time with her layered thoughts. Her skin grew warmer beneath Elsa's touch.

"I promise," she squeezed Honeymaren's arm. "I'll still be here when you're done. If something bothers me, we can talk about it then."

The edges of her lips curled a fraction higher. "Quite the conversationalist, aren't we?"

"Surprisingly, no…" Elsa laughed. "-but I find I am really enjoying talking to you."

Honeymaren's heart skipped a beat. Her eyes briefly widened before she shook herself back to calm.

"Okay," she nodded and sat up. "I'll tell you… I just-" Honeymaren's hands dragged through her hair. "-just give me a minute."

She stood from the bed. Elsa rose to sit cross-legged, her eyes following Honeymaren to the door. She watched her leave the room. Beyond the wall, Elsa could hear her moving about the kitchen. She wondered, curiously, what Honeymaren was doing, but she stayed seated until her return.

When she did, Honeymaren came bearing a serving tray. There were two hot mugs of tea and a small bowl of M&Ms. Elsa grinned at her thoughtfulness.

"And you say I'm always surprising you…" she reached forward and snatched one.

"Well, a serious conversation calls for serious snacks."

"M&Ms are a serious snack?" Elsa giggled.

"They're more serious than goldfish…"

Rolling her eyes, Elsa plopped another M&M on her tongue. "I do take my chocolate very seriously... I will give you that much."

Honeymaren took her tea between her hands and straightened into the pillows. Her knees drew tight against her chest. She was looking down at her mug when Elsa's soft eyes found the side of her face.

"Whenever you're ready." she encouraged Honeymaren after a few moments of silence.

Honeymaren's mouth tipped to respond, but finding the words was suddenly difficult. "I- I know… I'm just not sure where I should begin."

Elsa sat back against the headboard with her own tea. She wedged the mug between her knees and placed a gentle hand on Honeymaren's thigh. "I'm not going to judge you, you know?"

"I do know… but I also think telling you this will change how you look at me."

Frowning, Elsa's head turned strictly to her. "How do I look at you now?" she asked.

Honeymaren shrugged. "I don't know… like you're trying to read me; like I interest you in some way…"

"You don't think I'll still find you interesting if you tell me about your ex?"

"No," she scoffed. "You'll still find me interesting, but for all the wrong reasons, I'm sure of it."

Elsa didn't question her further. She needed Honeymaren to be honest with her. Following each diversion wasn't going to lead them there, and so Elsa's attention turned back to her hands.

After another minute in silence, Honeymaren sighed. She quickly sipped her tea before she finally began…

"Today at the Halloween party, you kind of already got to hear about how I grew up… but it was more than Kristoff and I led on… You see, before my mom moved here, she had a place closer to the city. And it was still pretty suburban, despite how close we were to downtown.

"Anyway, that neighborhood was the place to be growing up. There were so many kids around mine and Ryder's age. In the summers we'd leave the house in the morning, and we wouldn't come back home until after dark. At first, our little neighborhood group started with four or five of us, but soon; there were enough kids to make up two hockey teams… we were kind of a hockey cult back then."

She laughed at her own joke and her hands flexed around the mug. "That's how we all got started in it, really. One kid got a hockey stick for his birthday, and then we were all saving to get one…

"Unlike my brother, though, hockey came naturally to me. As soon as I started playing, I was getting all this attention. Everyone wanted to be my friend or have me teach them tricks… It was fun, but as I got older, it became less about my skill and more about my gender instead. Guys would line up to take me down in 'one on one' games. It became a neighborhood challenge of sorts; who can beat Maren Nattura…"

Honeymaren's shoulders visibly tightened. Elsa caught the movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to face her better.

"No one had ever beaten me before; not until Ricco." Honeymaren continued. "I was a sophomore at the time, and Ricco was a senior on the Northuldra Knights team. His reward for beating me… was a date- by his prompting, too; not mine. It was flattering at first to be sixteen and dating the most popular guy in school, but then he graduated.

"From there, it was a series of breakups and makeups. He'd cheat on me with college girls; get drunk and sleep with whoever… I was young, though. Everytime it happened I'd just sit around and wait for his return. It was the same stupid cycle I found myself in until my senior year."

She sighed, finger tapping against the brim of her cup. "By that point, I was ready to break up with him. I told myself if he wasn't going to change, I needed to end it. I was missing so much of my life being his fallback… When I finally gained the courage to do what needed to be done; it was the same night Ricco was expelled from college. He was caught using steroids, and without his hockey scholarship, he was no longer allowed to attend school. Suddenly instead of cheating on me, everything became all about me…

"I was finally receiving all of his attention again… perhaps the college girls weren't interested in a failure, while I was too young to care… but losing that scholarship really messed him up. It changed Ricco. He stopped hanging out with the hockey kids and found a different crowd to spend his time with. He started selling drugs… getting into trouble… And I made excuses for him because I honestly felt bad. I guess I thought I could change him, but that seems silly now, doesn't it?"

Honeymaren met Elsa's eyes. "That doesn't sound silly at all…"

She quickly turned from her. Honeymaren's cheeks burned with embarrassment, but she continued anyway. "Well, as it turns out… I couldn't change him, and I let all this go on into my college years. The cheating began again, and I buried myself into my school work. We lived together, and at some point I realized I'd forgotten how to fight. I'd been in the habit of always losing and being overpowered… I became weak while things continued to spiral out of control…

"And my life was so out of control, I couldn't hide it anymore. I had to get help and my mom found me a great therapist. I was turning twenty-one and I finally was able to leave him. I got my own apartment and I just walked out. And it was easier than I expected, too. Ricco never even noticed for months, or if he did, he didn't care.

"I went just over a year without seeing him… one whole year… and then I backslid, hard. I saw Ricco at a party. He looked healthy and he was apologetic and sweet… all it took was one time- one time, and I was pregnant, and I'd done to some poor girl what had been done to me countless times over before."

Her voice trailed off. Honeymaren sipped her tea before she sighed. "He never cared that I was pregnant. And I am so thankful for that… Ricco never showed up for my brother's funeral. I never saw him again until Ry was three months old. I never asked him for a dime, nor wanted him involved in any way. But suddenly, that was all he wanted. And I felt I owed it to him somehow. I mean, Ryder was his son after all. But Ricco never cared about Ryder, no… He liked how having a son made him look.

"But for Ryder's sake, I let his father be involved. Early on, I thought I could handle all the scheduling, but then Ricco started making mistakes. He'd forget Ryder places… people's houses, in the car… He'd bring him to places infants should be… It took me too long to learn to fight for myself. I refused to let Ryder down the same way. So, eight months ago, I turned to the court. I petitioned for full custody. Unfortunately though… Ricco turned around and did the same…"

Elsa drew in a short breath. Her eyes were wide. "Honeymaren, I- I could have never-"

"It's fine." she cut her off. "I don't need you to say anything."

Honeymaren wasn't looking at her. With her knees tucked and her arms wrapped around them, Honeymaren looked very small; vulnerable, even.

"-but I'd like to say something, if you'll let me?" Elsa whispered.

Honeymaren barely nodded. Her eyes continued to shy away from Elsa's.

"I was saying, I couldn't have imagined you were going through all that… nor Ryder. You've done a great job raising him, and making life as normal as possible for you both. I didn't know… and I couldn't have guessed- what I'm trying to say is, I'm really proud of you.

"Proud of me?" her brows lowered and her head snapped to Elsa.

"Yes, proud of you." she stated matter of factly. "I think you've done an amazing job holding things together for Ryder's sake- despite everything else you have going on. I mean, look at it this way…" Elsa folded her legs and turned to Honeymaren. "You have a fulltime job; an education. You take Ryder to school and pick him up everyday. And everynight, he is fed, and well, might I add… You put Ryder's life before your own, and so, yeah… I am proud of you."

Shaking her head, Honeymaren looked away. "I just do the best I can…"

"And since when is your best not good enough?" Elsa asked and scooted closer.

When Honeymaren's head lifted, Elsa's breathing stalled. She was surprised to see silent tears had started their descent down her tan cheeks.

"-because it never feels like it is…" her words cut off as she tried to turn away.

Elsa took Honeymaren's face gently between her hands. Her thumbs stroked beneath brown eyes. "Trust me when I say, your best is good enough, Honeymaren. Don't doubt that."

Leaning forward, Elsa's lips softly touched hers. She kissed her until Honeymaren was kissing back. Then when her tears turned to cries, Elsa held her. She pulled back into the pillows and stroked Honeymaren's hair. Elsa held her until her tears subsided, and until Honeymaren had fallen into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Cheers,

M.