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Regina sat with Maggie in the teacher's lounge during lunch. With salads on the table and water bottles, they ate alone. The lounge wasn't usually this empty, but some teachers were still testing their students.
They'd yet to talk about what Maggie walked in on. Regina was hoping to avoid the subject and brought up the teachers retreat. "How many did you get to sign up for the retreat?"
"We've got 17 as of this morning, 18 if you count Gold. He's decided to tag along."
"I'm sure that'll be fun," Regina laughed. Stan could be tough and tended to bring the energy of the group down. He wasn't very socially accepted among the teachers.
"He's not that bad, but I'm hoping Belle can distract him. I think he's got a little crush," she said.
"It's more than little. I see him following her around in the cafeteria when she's helping with lunch monitors. I saw them yesterday and he was sitting there watching her. It's sweet."
Maggie gave her a sidelong look, "Sounds familiar."
"What?" Regina put her fork down to look directly at her. When she avoided her eyes, Regina sighed. "This is about yesterday."
"Regina, I'm happy for you. There's nothing wrong with it, but I'll admit I was surprised."
"It's not what you think," she tried. Maggie raised her brows and pouted her lips. "Okay, we had a moment, but I…There's just so many things I could use as an excuse not to get involved. The big one? He's married."
Regina threw her fork down and shoved her plate aside. It made her feel embarrassed and mortified to be caught by a woman she admired. "I'm not that woman, Maggie. I don't talk about it, but I'm still technically married myself."
"Are you?" She turned her body to listen closely.
"I've been separated for years but the papers never went to a judge. It's a long boring story I won't get into. Robin is newly separated from his wife and I can't help but think if she was here it would be different."
"Mmm," Maggie swallowed her food and took a sip of water. "That's not true. I know Robin and Marian and I can tell you that they've had problems long before she left for Africa. He was devastated when she pulled away, but he's come to terms with it."
"But he's still married, and Roland is too young to understand. I just…"
"Let me ask you this," she said. "How do you feel despite all the outside stuff going on?"
"That's irrelevant. It's not a good idea, trust me. Trouble follows me." Regina thought of Simon and how she'd never want to put him or anyone in danger. Despite her fears, she couldn't help ignoring her feelings. But, she had self-control, most of the time.
"Can I confess something?" Maggie put her trash in a bag and asked, "You done?" Regina nodded, and she gathered the trash and put it in the bin in the corner. When she came back, she said, "I saw you and Robin by your car yesterday."
"Okay, what does that have to do with anything?"
"I saw the way he was looking at you and he's infatuated. Robin doesn't look at just anyone like that. And, I saw him kiss you, that's not nothing."
Regina's cheeks warmed, and she averted her eyes. There was more than that kiss she felt embarrassed about. It wasn't wise to talk about it. It was on her mind and she couldn't stop thinking about it.
"I know. I didn't come here to find romance or to get myself involved in a situation like this. I came to give Henry a good place to grow up."
"Hey," Maggie stopped her. "No one is saying you have to do anything about it. I'm just saying that he's got his eye on you and he's not easily infatuated. I've known him for years. It took him years to gather the courage to approach Marian."
"Can you help me?"
"With?"
"Discouraging him? Is there anything I can do? It's for his own good, really."
"For his own good, or yours?" Maggie put her hand on Regina's. "I told you I wouldn't ask and I'm still going to honor that promise. I just feel that whatever brought you here is stopping you from opening up to anyone."
"That's not true, I have you. I've told you more about my past than I ever have with anyone else. I trust you. So, please," her voice trembled. "I don't want to hurt him."
"Then don't. Sooner or later your heart will find its way to happiness. I believe that, Regina. You have to have hope and allow yourself to make connections. You have to stop hiding."
Regina stood and walked to the window, "I'm not hiding, I just don't think I can. It's harder than you might think. I don't stay anywhere long. Every time we move, it gets harder and harder to start over. I like it here."
"Regina, I'm here for you. If you ever want to unburden yourself. I won't ask, but you seem like you need to talk about it. It's eating at you," she said.
"I appreciate it, I really do. I just…I'm not ready," she said.
"Okay, well I have to get back. Will you stop by my room before you leave?"
"Yea, I'll come to pick up the books and give you the new curriculum cards," Regina said.
Maggie squeezed her arm in comfort and walked out of the room.
Alone, Regina stared out the window and thought back to the last day she spent with Simon.
Simon entered the kitchen from the mudroom after a long day at work. He'd been out on assignment for the last few days. Sabrina and Sammy were working on homework at the table and eating pickles.
A 6-year-old Sammy's face lit up when he saw his dad coming in, "Daddy!" He ran with little padded feet and jumped into his arms.
Simon laughed, "Hey, kiddo. Did you miss me?"
"Yea, did you miss me?"
"Of course. I hope you didn't give your mom a hard time." He reached up and fixed his ruffled hair.
"I was good, and we learned new words. I got to count to a high number," he beamed.
Simon patted him on the head as he put him down, "Good job. Go on upstairs and get in the bath."
Sammy looked to his mom, "Can you come read me a bedtime story?"
Sabrina nodded, "In a little bit. Listen to your dad." She swallowed as she saw her son start up the stairs.
Simon walked to her and sat down and put his hands around her waist. He leaned in and kissed her cheek, "Hi."
Sabrina tried to smile, "How did it go?" Her hands were busy cleaning up the papers on the table and trying to gather the food trash.
"It was the same shit, we camped out and caught a perp. Did you miss me?" He moved her blonde hair behind her shoulder and leaned in to press a kiss to the side of her neck.
Sabrina closed her eyes and nodded, "I did." Her skin felt like it was crawling, and the panic started to take over. Taking a deep breath, she swallowed the tears welling up. It was only a matter of time before he snapped.
"Let me clean up and make you something. Are you hungry?" She felt his grip tighten a little before loosening.
"The guys and I picked up dinner at Sally's. I'll take a beer. Clean up those mugs," he ordered.
She stood on wobbling feet and discarded the trash. When she picked up the mugs and put them in the sink, her hand was caught in his before she could turn on the water. "What are the rules?"
"Simon, please." Her voice trembled as his voice carried.
"I give you chances, and you keep breaking them. Didn't we have this conversation last week?" His grip on her hand tightened and her fingers were being crushed.
If she cried out, he'd make it worse. She ground her teeth and tasted blood. "Yes, sir," she said.
He leaned in and whispered, "Five minutes." He let her hand go and walked down the hall. She let a few tears fall and opened and closed her hand. Her body began to shake as she hurried with the mugs and took small steps toward "The Room." When she reached the door, she raised her hand and knocked twice.
"Enter," he said. The den was dark for the curtains being drawn. Candles were lit in the corner and a towel was on the floor in its usual spot. She stood just inside the door and waited for instruction.
Simon was pouring himself a glass of scotch. That meant it was going to be a bad night. Panic was edging its way out as she stood shaking. Her mind started going through what she needed to do.
This was the last straw for her. One of her best friends was helping her get out. In a matter of minutes, she'd gather Sammy into a car and drive away. Forever. But, first, she had to withstand one more time.
Her eyes were on the towel when she heard him, "Come." Taking steps, she knew if she didn't fight, it would go faster. She stood beside the towel and waited. "Take off your shirt," he said.
He stood sipping from his glass as she removed her shirt. His eyes never left hers as she stood there quietly. "I'm ready," she said.
He set his glass down and opened a closet door to reveal a selection of belts. He chose one with small holes in it. "Step on the towel and turn around." Sabrina followed his rules.
She turned and bit her lip as she waited. For two long minutes, only breathing could be heard in the room. "I think I'll give you six tonight." Her eyes closed tightly. It was the highest number in months.
"Yes, sir," she managed. It was always unexpected when the belt slapped across her back. The first one came, and she almost cried out. Her teeth tightly clung to her lip. Each slap was harder than the last. When number six hit, she felt dripping down her back. There would be bruises and marks again.
When he was done, he said, "Step off." She did, and he picked it up and wiped her back. She jumped when she felt something cold touch her skin. "Relax, it's a cold pack. It'll minimize the bruising."
"Thank you," she cried. When it was over, she cried as much as she could. He allowed it then. It made it worse when he turned her and kissed her softly on the lips. "I love you, Sabrina. It's why I'm hard on you."
"I love you, too." He helped her put her shirt back on and gave her permission to go upstairs. She turned to look back at Simon as he sat at his desk. He tipped his glass to her and took a drink.
That was the last time she saw Simon Thompson. The last time she laid eyes on a monster.
Regina closed her eyes as tears fell down her cheeks. A voice behind her startled her, "Hi." Stuck in memory, she jumped forward and hit her head on the window bars.
"Ow," she hissed and touched her head.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," she said frustrated. Turning she came face to face with Robin who looked concerned. She only glared at him.
"Regina, you're not fine. You're crying and you're shaking."
Assessing herself, she felt how out of control her memory made her. How scared she was of Robin walking towards her. Panic started to rise in her chest and she backed up against the wall.
Picking up on her energy, he stopped before he could get close, "Regina take a breath." He waited a moment before saying, "In and out, breathe. Now!"
Feeling light-headed, she gasped when she finally inhaled a deep breath. "That's it. Again, in through your nose and out your mouth." She took a deep breath. "Again." He watched her closely breathe in and out slowly.
He took a step forward and she looked down at his hands. He halted again and said, "Again. Keep breathing." He inched towards her slowly each time she took a breath. Slowly, she relaxed and seemed to calm down.
Robin took a bottle of water off the counter and handed it to her. "Drink some water," he said softly. She took the bottle and drank deeply. "Slower," he said taking the bottle from her.
"I'm okay," she said. Taking another breath, she held her hand out for the water. "I'm okay."
Robin handed her the water, "Slow," he said. Regina took sips and felt like herself again. "We have to stop meeting like this," he said.
Unamused, she shot him a glare, "You have a habit of sneaking up on me."
"I'm sorry," he said genuinely. "In my defense, I walked two feet in the door when I announced myself. I've learned you jump any time I catch you off guard." He smirked at her, but his eyes were still assessing.
"I was distracted," she admitted. Taking a seat, she crossed her legs and leaned back in the chair.
He pulled up a chair and sat next to her, he took her hand and started massaging between her thumb and forefinger. "It's a default with you, it seems. We did agree to meet in your office, but I figured you'd be here."
"Maggie and I were having lunch," she said. She tried to pull her hand free and he held tighter. "Let me go."
Robin let her hand slip out of his grip, but when she tried to stand, he put his hands on her thighs to stop her. "Wait."
"Robin…" She was frustrated, embarrassed, and not fully calm.
"Take another minute. You're still shaking." He took the leg of her chair and pulled her next to him. He saw her flinch when their chairs clung together. "Relax," he said. He draped an arm over her and with gentle strokes, rubbed her upper arm up and down.
At first, he could feel her shaking and it bothered him. It took several minutes before she sat still. He turned to look at her and saw her eyes were closed and she was taking deep and slow breaths. With a soft voice, he asked, "You wanna tell me what brought this on?"
Her eyes flashed open and she jerked her head to look at him. He reached up and used the pad of his thumb to wipe away her tears. She shook her head and looked down to avoid his eyes. "One of these days, you'll change your mind." He kissed her temple and rested his forehead on hers.
"Maybe," she said. They sat for a few more minutes while she pulled out a compact from her purse and fixed her makeup. When her face was clear of any tear streaks, she stood. "Thank you," she said sincerely.
"Come here," he said. He took her into his arms and hugged her tightly. Inhaling her perfume and feeling the warmth of her body delighted him. "I want you to be happy, Regina."
"That doesn't feel possible," she admitted. Pulling back, he took her face in his hands, gently brushing her cheek with his thumbs. "This isn't right."
"It feels right to me," he said before leaning in and covering her mouth with his. They shared a long slow deep kiss. He moved his hands into her hair to secure her closer. It did feel right, and he felt connected to her.
For the first time in more than a year, he felt connected to a woman. It may be foolish, but he let himself indulge in her. She was a woman who needed a connection more than he did. He held her closer and felt her arms wrap around him.
"Would Ms. Mills and Mr. Locksley please report to the testing center?" Gold's voice boomed through the intercom system jolting them apart.
"Come on, we better get going." He took her hand and they walked out of the room together.
When the final bell rang, Will walked into Robin's classroom. "Hey, mate. Fine weather we have, wanna go fishing?"
Robin looked up and smiled, "Sounds like my kind of night." Robin grabbed his files and shoved them into his bag. "Let me just stop in here for a minute," he said as he closed the door.
Robin knocked on the door across the hall and Regina looked up from her computer. This time, she didn't seem to jump. Her attention was focused on her computer. "Heading out?"
He stepped in a few feet, "Yea, you done?" It was their routine, he'd walk her to her car after school.
"Um, no. I'm gonna stay here a bit and work. I'll see you tomorrow," she looked behind him. "Is someone out there?" She heard shuffling of feet and whistling.
Robin gestured, "Yea, this is Will. One of my mates, you met at the poker game." Will stepped in the room and waved.
"Right, hello," she said.
"Hey, there. Robin, the sun's only up so many hours." Will was rushing him.
"Excuse his manners, he knows better." Robin shoved him toward the door, "Give us a minute," he said.
"Night," she said as Will rolled his eyes and walked down the hall.
Robin walked around her desk and turned her chair as he crouched down. "Are you feeling better?" His fingers played with the tips of her hair.
"I'm fine," she said.
"How many times have you said that to people? The truth, Regina."
In a whisper, she admitted, "I'm not fine. Happy?" She shrugged.
"There will come a time when you stop feeling that way. A time when you can wake up and know that everyone isn't out to hurt you." He glanced down at her clenched fists. "Are those for me?"
"No," she said relaxing her hands. "I wasn't…that's not how I feel, Robin. I just…my circumstances aren't as simple as you might imagine. I wish…" Shaking her head, she knew she shouldn't trust anyone with her secret.
"Regina, please. Tell me something. Anything," he begged. "I can't help but feel this connection, I know you feel it too."
"It's not that that easy, Robin. Listen to yourself."
"What does that mean? I'm trying to help you, I want…"
"You want what? What do you want?" She felt the connection but didn't trust herself or him to allow it to grow.
"You can tell me anything," he said. "You can trust me, I won't tell anyone." He took her arms and pulled her as close as he could manage crouched the way he was. "Let me in."
"What if I did? If I poured it all out and told you what I've lived, what I've done, you'd turn away. It isn't pretty, it's messy and I've done things that can never be forgiven. I'm not a good person. I'm a monster."
"The woman I know is the furthest thing from a monster, Regina."
"That's not even my name. I…Let me up." He stood and stepped back so she could stand and pace. "I've made a lot of mistakes and sacrificed a lot to be where I am. I can't screw it up, not for Henry."
"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to let me in. I won't tell a soul, you can trust me. Regina, whatever your name is, I need…"
"What? You need what?"
"You," he said simply. "I feel something so deeply when I'm with you, it scares me. But, I need it for me. I need to feel connected and I do. I feel drawn to you and I don't want to lose that."
"You're married, Robin. I'm still married. This isn't right."
"What do you feel? Tell me you don't feel the same and I'll walk out this door and let you be."
She scoffed, "Just like that?" She saw his jaw jump as he tightened it.
He took a step towards her, "If you tell me, you don't feel this connection, I'll walk away." He took another step and reached out for her. "Tell me you don't want me." When he wrapped his arms around her, he trembled. "Tell me."
"I can't," she breathed.
"Thank, God," and kissed her. He devoured every ounce she gave him and took what he could. When he felt himself losing it, he heard Will clear his throat and pulled back.
"Mate, the sun is setting. Get a move on," he smirked at them.
Robin turned and kissed her one last time very sweetly, "I'll see you tomorrow."
She nodded as he walked down the hall and punched Will in the arm. She heard their laughter recede as she sat down and smiled. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let him in, she thought.
