Cold Secrets

-M. Lauren

Chapter Twenty-Six

On Monday, Elsa returned to campus. It was the last day of the month and December was right around the corner. The steady chill in the air reminded her winter was well-prepared to make a forceful return. With it, the semester would end and she'd have a full month to recover from all the emotional turmoil she'd endured.

Being back in class was more challenging than Elsa anticipated. She and Honeymaren hadn't been together for all that long; though that month weighed like a year on her heart. Still, no matter how many times Elsa reminded herself of the brevity of their time together, it didn't dull her sadness.

And unfortunately, being back at the university only fueled those hard feelings.

Her office was where they shared lunch. The library was where they met. They'd taken walks in the quad, parked for the day in the staff lot, but worst of all- there was the coffee shop.

The week prior, Elsa hadn't allowed herself to dwell on all the changes to come. She stayed busy with self-imposed tasks and consciously kept her mind occupied. Coffee- she'd made it in the comfort of her own home.

But now…

Elsa looked at the clock.

It was quarter till two.

Avoidance was key, she'd decided. Elsa would stay away from all the places she might run into Honeymaren. If that meant facing the two o'clock blues uncaffeinated, so be it. After the holidays she'd reassess. It was impossible to avoid Honeymaren forever, but for now... it was for the best.

A knock at the door caused Elsa to jump out of her skin. Goosebumps prickled along the length of her arms. Her eyes widened, and she reeled back in her chair.

The timing was perfect. It was right on schedule with Honeymaren's break, but she couldn't! She wouldn't!

Elsa tentatively stood. With a hand to the doorknob, she ushered in a breath. She pulled the door open. Her brow pinched.

She didn't…

But the visitor wasn't someone she'd expected to see there.

Helga Sinclair stood before her. She waited a safe distance from Elsa with her hands folded against her tight, turtleneck sweater. As Elsa's eyes continued to enlarge, Helga slowly looked up from her feet.

"Hello," she nodded, her lips pulling to the side.

"Um, hi…" Elsa blinked. She gripped the door-frame harder between her fingers.

"I'm sorry to bother you… again… but I was wondering if I might be able to steal you for a quick walk?"

Jaw wavering, Elsa stepped back. Her arms protectively covered her chest, and she felt her shoulders tighten. Helga watched her cautiously. Her gaze flickered over Elsa's face as she maintained a deliberate distance.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea…" she responded. Her teeth ground together behind her lips.

"This won't take longer than a few minutes, and I promise... it'll be worth your time."

When Elsa didn't respond immediately and her focus circled away, Helga sighed.

"We'll go down to the quad. I won't trap you in your office again. I see now how inappropriate that was." Helga tried again with a slight smile.

Elsa considered her silently. She allowed her eyes to slowly pull across Helga's face. She fidgeted with her hands- an uncharacteristic mannerism for the Helga Elsa had known. Her gaze drifted downward and glazed with guilt.

"Alright," Elsa finally responded, but didn't move from her spot. "-just... give me a second… Let me grab my coat."

She closed the door on Helga and her hand covered her chest; she could feel her heart beating wildly against her ribs. Her face felt flushed, and sweat layered her fair skin.

Before the panic could render her immobile, Elsa plucked her coat off the hook. She slipped it over her shoulders and grabbed her keys.

"Okay," she greeted as she opened the door. "Lead the way."

Elsa locked the handle behind her. She followed Helga down the hall, watching her shoulders hunch beneath black fabric. Together they descended the main stairs and crossed through the foyer, out onto the quad. Both were greeted by a bitter wind. Elsa shivered, but not from the cold. She buttoned her peacoat higher on her neck anyway.

Helga continued until she reached a row of unoccupied benches. She sat at the end of one and watched as Elsa hesitated before sitting a bit further down the bench.

"What's this all about?" she asked, smoothing down her skirt.

Helga folded her hands in her lap. She stared at them, appearing uncomfortable. "First of all, I wanted to apologize... You were right in saying I should never have come here."

Tilting her head, Elsa hummed, "Go on."

"I thought I needed to see you, that it might make me feel better to know you were doing alright. What I hadn't considered, once again, was what my being here would do to you…" Helga looked up.

Elsa furrowed her brow, "I appreciate that, but-"

"I'm leaving, Elsa," Helga interrupted, her chin dropping into a firm nod. "I'm leaving the school. I'm leaving the state. I realize now I can't… can't fully move on while you're still so close. You haven't been an easy feat to get out of my head, Elsa." She smiled ruefully. "I see that the only way that can happen is if I truly let the idea of you go…"

Elsa watched her shrug. "Thank you for this - for the explanation and for giving me the space I need."

Turning away from Elsa, Helga frowned. "I should have done it - for the both of us - much sooner."

Elsa pursed her lips, but didn't respond. With difficulty, she maintained her attention on Helga. Her hands were tucked between her knees to keep them from fidgeting, and she felt the autumn wind pick up against her cheeks.

"There's one more thing," Helga's voice surfaced again. "I want to do something, but only with your permission, of course…"

"I'm listening," Elsa nodded encouragingly, and Helga straightened in her seat.

"I'd like to leave my funding with the library… As you know, I have enough money to get by, and I think it's the right thing to do."

Frowning, Elsa shook her head. "Why do you need my permission to do that?"

Helga smiled sincerely. "It's not the money that concerns me; it's who I'd like to leave in charge of it."

Elsa's confusion thickened.

"I- I'd like to put your girlfriend back in charge of the expansion. She was passionate about it, and it's my fault she lost out on that raise."

Air caught in her throat. Elsa's heart skipped a beat. "If you need it- you have my permission."

"The thing is…" Helga continued. "I don't think she'll go for it, coming from me. If you could-"

"I'm sure the board would be happy to help," she answered in a single breath.

"I see… well, thank you for the permission, then… I don't think I could leave here for a fresh start, knowing I'd messed up your life and her's simultaneously."

"Is that all?"

Helga's jaw tipped before her words would come. "I- yes… and let me just say once more- I'm sorry about everything."

Elsa managed the barest hint of a smile. "I appreciate you giving me this closure… and what you're doing for Honeymaren. It's not perfect, but I know she'll appreciate it."

"Of course," she joined Elsa on her feet. "It's the least I could do after all the trouble I've caused for you." She interlaced her fingers against her waist. "I guess… well, I'll let you get back to work."

They shared a quick glance before Elsa turned back toward the science building.

"One more thing!" Helga called, and Elsa slowly faced her. "So you know… I'll still be at the staff party on the eleventh… I don't want to alarm you, if you see me there."

Elsa nodded, tucking further into her jacket. "No worries…"

"Alright, then," Helga waved. "I suppose, I'll be seeing you…"

Saying nothing further, Elsa returned to the second floor. Her mind had been turned to putty and then layered over with an oddly pleasant tinge of shock. She could never have anticipated this sort of response from Helga, but it comforted Elsa just the same.

She allowed a sensation of relief to wash over her as she approached her door. It felt good to put her years with Helga behind her; however, that relief became a rapidly fleeting thing.

There was a note attached to her door. Elsa frowned as she drew closer. Without much thought, she detached it from the wood and quickly flipped it open.

Failed delivery attempt for Elsa Aren. Item (1): Coffee.

Perhaps it was the shock of speaking with Helga or the relief of knowing soon she'd be gone; but this note didn't bring her to tears like Elsa would have expected.

Instead, she was reminded that, while Helga was done and dealt with- there was one task left to do before Honeymaren could be put behind her as well.

Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy; because if Elsa did this, it would require letting Honeymaren back into her heart to get it done.

Anna slid across the hallway in her socks as she rushed to the front door. She pulled it open, eyes wild.

"Elsa?!" She reeled back in surprise.

But Elsa didn't come in. She remained pacing quickly along the front porch; she wasn't looking at Anna and faced her hands instead.

"I didn't want to come here," Elsa started.

Anna closed the door behind her and joined Elsa on the porch in her pajamas.

"I needed to be able to decide these things on my own. After all, that's what I wanted, but maybe I'm as incompetent as you believed- and who am I kidding? I bet you already know! I'm sure you asked her to do it in the first place! God, why am I even here-"

"Elsa, Elsa! Slow down!" Anna encouraged her. She tried to catch her sister's arm, but failed as Elsa continued to circle her frenetically. "What's going on?"

"Like you don't know?" She growled fiercely and stopped short.

Anna blinked, "Uh… I can assure you, I don't. I'm actually a little surprised to see you here so soon after everything else…"

Crossing her arms, Elsa frowned. "Trust me when I say, I have no desire to be here… but I need the help, and I only need the help because you stuck your nose where it didn't belong! So, now it's up to you to get me out of this mess!"

"Uh, Elsa… still a little confused here…" Anna tilted her head.

"See, and this is part of it! Because of everything you did, I can't trust you anymore! How do I know Honeymaren didn't go to you first? How do I know this wasn't another one of your plans to push us together?"

Her shoulders pulled up and Anna sighed. "I know I messed up, and I know we have a long way to go before I can regain your trust, but I promise you… I am completely lost right now… So, tell me, please, and I swear it will stay between the two of us."

Silencing her rapid-fire barrage for a long moment, Elsa's eyes scrutinized Anna's face. She was looking for any sign Anna might be lying, while also doubting she'd know what that sign would even look like anymore.

Finally, Elsa released a deep breath. "Honeymaren asked if I'd give a character testament at the trial."

"Oh," Anna froze. Her eyes widened.

"You didn't know?" Anna's brows lowered, and she shook her head.

"No, I- I don't have much to do with Maren's personal defense… I guess I can't say I'm not surprised, though."

"Why do you say that?" Elsa's frown deepened.

Anna shrugged. "I, uh, don't think Maren has many friends… None who also have a relationship with Ryder I suppose…"

Elsa's arms tightened over her chest. "It's not fair, you know? It's not fair that the two of you put me through this, and then she has the nerve to ask so much of me!"

Sighing, Anna came to sit on the top step. Elsa hesitantly joined, keeping her distance.

"I don't know Maren as well as you do, but I really can't see her asking you to do this unless she felt she had no other choice."

Elsa looked down at her feet. "I know, and that's why I'm as angry as I am- because it's not Maren I'm punishing if I don't go through with this."

Anna slowly nodded. "It's Ryder… and I agree... You might be his best shot."

Her words had Elsa holding back her own. They sat there on her tongue and tasted bitter.

"When do you have to give your answer?"

Elsa picked at her nails as she kept her eyes averted. "By Friday… and I am really angry at you, you know? At the both of you! I can't trust what you say; I can't talk to Maren. I feel like I don't know anything anymore, and I'm tired of feeling this way!"

"I- I know," Anna whispered. She placed a tentative hand on Elsa's knee. Elsa surprised her when she didn't pull away immediately, and instead, let it stay there. "I know we hurt you, and I'm so sorry we did, but listen to me when I say this- I promise I will not stop trying to make up for my mistakes. I will work until I have your trust again, and I won't stop even then. I will fix this, Elsa. I'll fix our relationship, our trust, all of it, for you; because I love you, Elsa. More than words, and more than you could know. It's only because I love you that I messed everything up. I'm going to fix all of this, you'll see.."

As soon as Anna finished talking, Elsa walked away without another word. She was in her car and driving home; leaving Anna alone hugging her knees on the front porch.

And when Elsa returned home, she crawled straight into bed. She buried herself beneath the blankets and curled onto her side. In the dim light of the bedside lamp, she rifled through her drawer until she found the book. Elsa opened to the title page, and frowned as she read the first line.

"Homeward Bound" by Honeymaren Nattura

If Elsa couldn't make this decision on her own, and if she couldn't trust Anna enough to help, perhaps the Honeymaren who wrote this book could give Elsa the answers she needed?

Cheers,

M.