DISCLAIMERS/NOTES

1. This is a fan fiction based on characters owned by the BBC. I DO NOT OWN THEM. This is just for fun.

2. This is a femslash story. If you don't like that sort of thing, you won't like this.

PART 9

Three months. Three months of waiting, three months of crying, three months of hoping.

But most of all, three months of emptiness.

Yaz lay on her bed staring at the ceiling, something she did with numbing regularity now. The tears ran out weeks ago, her eyes seemingly no longer able to produce any. Instead her brown orbs were now lifeless, drained of all wonder and happiness. All that remained was the devastating loneliness.

For the umpteenth time, she replayed those moments in her mind. Those crushing few minutes where her life lost all meaning. When she lost the most amazing and perfect person she could ever hope to know.

Yaz endlessly tried answering the one question: why? Why did the Doctor end things? Why did she break the Human's heart? Why did she leave Yaz with literally nothing to live for anymore?

She barely had a life before the Time Lady fell into it, and now she was gone? Yaz had less than tatters left. Her career was going nowhere: after taking a week off to "mourn" the loss of her girlfriend, Yaz was almost pushed back to work by her parents. Yaz knew they were desperately worried for her, and only wanted to see her happy again, but it was useless. All the drive was gone from Yaz's spirit - all she wanted was to crawl away and die.

She never had many friends, and what little there were had long moved on with their lives during the time Yaz spent in the TARDIS. Even Ryan and Graham… they tried, really they did, and Yaz cursed herself for letting it get this way, but there was only so much they could do or say, too. Besides, they were missing the Doctor themselves, and could not indulge a lovesick fool like her forever.

Work was now a nightmare of feigned smiles and fake eagerness. When Yaz could even be bothered to make the effort, that was. Usually she now just sleepwalked through her days, both at home and work. But every now and again she tried to look the part, to give off the impression she was getting over it and moving on. Once or twice she even tried to feel what she pretended, that maybe she could finally carry on with her life.

It was a lie. Yaz knew, deep in her soul, life was pointless without love once you experience it in its truest form. She knew there could never be anyone to replace the Doctor in her heart, none to make her as happy as the wonderful alien did, just by her very presence. The Time Lady would forever be Yaz's one and only love; to pretend otherwise was ridiculous.

The Doctor always believed in hope, but as each day passed, that was something Yaz was finding harder and harder to hold onto…

There was a soft tap on her door, but Yaz did not say anything. Her family now used to getting no response, the door opened anyway and Sonya poked her head through. "Hey."

Yaz did not even look at her. "What?"

Her sister sighed. "Dinner's nearly ready. Mum made your favourite."

Barely a huff.

Sonya looked down. "Thought maybe, we could watch a film tonight."

"You go ahead," Yaz said. "I'd only fall asleep again." Something else she now hated: her dreams were nothing but bittersweet, of the one thing she could not live without, yet could not ever have again.

"Yaz," Sonya said tentatively. "Y'can't go on like this."

At that, Yaz turned to look at her. "Since when d'you care?" Inwardly she knew that was absurd: her sister cared deeply about her… otherwise Yaz never would have had the idea to join the force in the first place.

For her part, Sonya continued trying. "I know howmuch the Doctor meant t'you, and howmuch you meant t'her. She wouldn't want you to be like this."

"And how the fuck would you know?" Yaz snapped. "All she was was a joke to you! More reason to tease me!"

Now Sonya looked shocked. "Yaz, you don't understand… "

The policewoman shot off the bed to her feet. "No, you don't understand! You don't know what it's like to lose the person you love more than any other, to feel something other than pointless fun and games… to actually love someone completely and not just flitter from partner to partner! But I had that! I found the most perfect woman in the universe and now she's gone and I… I… " Yaz was wrong: she did have more tears to shed.

Sonya stared at her sadly. "No, I've never lost anyone I love," she eventually said. "But I nearly did once… and now I'm scared that this time I will lose her."

Yaz gulped and the two sisters shared a deep gaze. After a few beats, however, Yaz broke down and fell into Sonya's waiting arms. Her sobs were quiet, not loud enough to be heard outside the room, but they were like a foghorn between just the two of them.

Despite her pain, Yaz felt guilt for what she just said: she indeed knew how scared Sonya was all those years ago. She never wanted to put her through that again, but Yaz could not help it; without the Doctor, life for her was meaningless.

But she could not burden Sonya: if only for her sister's sake, she would go through the motions until she literally could not do so anymore. Yaz would try and not scare Sonya like that again.

Separating, Yaz wiped the tears from her face. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"It's OK," insisted Sonya. "I do mean it, though - I knew howmuch you loved eachother."

"Then… why did she end things… ?" Yaz whined.

"Trust me, she didn't want to," Sonya replied casually.

Yaz frowned slightly. "How would you know?"

Sonya's eyes widened a tad. "Er… y'know, I could just tell."

"Oh. Thanks." Yaz continued drying her cheeks. Sonya back to the door, then stopped and looked down. Yaz noticed her sister's odd pause. "What is it?" she asked, her voice still slightly teary.

Sighing deeply, Sonya turned back to her. "I can't do this anymore."

Yaz frowned. "Do what anymore?"

Closing her eyes momentarily, Sonya took a visible gulp. "Yaz… there's somethin' you should know… "

TO BE CONTINUED