She could not find herself. She searched everywhere in her brain, her body, her soul, but she could not find the truth. She longed to be a part of them, to leave the life she is living but, no luck. Every time she turned a corner to see what might of been, there is darkness. She tries and tries to usher the voice in her head but time and time again she fails. Sister Bernadette turns towards the chapel and sits waiting for an answer which never came before. The darkness engulfs her, both physically as she walks towards her room at this late hour and metaphorically as she wonders what is wrong with her. Her mind trails back to him, the source of her wondering. Why is it that every time he is in a room with her she can not look at him and always drags the conversation back to work, but when he is gone, she longs for his return as a blanket of darkness covers her heart.
It must of been around one in the morning when Sister Bernadette fell into a light slumber.
As usual, Sister Bernadette got up and ready at four-thirty in the morning and got ready for her day. It was after she visits chapel she wandered outside. Not wanting to wake the others she creeps downstairs and outside. She strolled to the forest not so far away and listened to the peaceful sounds that surrounded her. This was the nicest time to go for a walk. She tried to concentrate on the beautiful nature that surrounded her and the quiet of the early morning.
Time slipped through her fingers, as her thoughts travelled from him to the peaceful scenery, to her devotions which seem to slip away. Sister Bernadette also lost track of where she was heading and continued walking, avoiding the darker paths. It was after she chooses a lighter path when she looks at her watch.
"Six O'Clock! I need to get back!" she ran back in the direction she believed she had come from, after all, she has a great sense of direction after many walks in this forest.
She got back and ran inside, she had been another twenty minutes getting back, everyone else would be getting up in around ten minutes. Sister Bernadette slumped down in a chair in the kitchen with a cup of tea in her hand when Sister Monica-Joan appeared.
"The day has dawned and the light shines down upon us, but as I look at you it looks as though you are trying to avoid darkness and find the light that is not coming to you!" Sister Monica-Joan said poetically and took the chair next to Sister Bernadette and looked at her waiting for an answer. A lump appeared at the back of her throat.
"I..." Sister Beenadette burst out in tears "I don't know what is wrong with me, I almost wish I was physically ill then I could say I am in pain, but I just don't know what is wrong with me!"
"My dear, you will avoid the darkness, it might take a while, but you will avoid it." Sister Monica-Joan took her Sister in her embrace and let her cry.
At breakfast around half an hour later, Sister Bernadette ate silently and as soon as everyone was finished, took her things out, helped clean the table as fast as she could and crept back to the chapel, the only place she could get peace to think before she had to do her rounds for the day.
Later that day, Sister Bernadette was on her way home from her evening rounds when her thoughts trailed back to him. Avoiding the darker paths because although she knows these streets and could probably walk around them blindfolded, she always likes to stay on the main road, she questioned herself and him. Why does she do her thoughts always travel back to him? She wanted so much to be with him and not worry about her devotion but she could not. She loved him, she knew she should not admit that but she did. No. She needs to concentrate and avoid the dark blanket covering her thoughts and the dark sky that fell all around her.
Sister Bernadette got home and got sorted, got ready for dinner, and sat with the rest of the house. The meal passed like any normal meal. It was only later, after she was last on the bathroom rota, that she avoided the darkness coming from all the closed doors.