Soul Song
I wake up every morning with my head up in a daze
I'm not sure if I should say this, fuck, I'll say it anyway
Everybody tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
I don't know if it's a phase, I just wanna feel okay, yeah
I battle with depression, but the question still remains
Is this post-traumatic stressin' or am I suppressing rage?
And my doctor tries to tell me that I'm going through a phase
Yeah, it's not a fucking phase, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Yeah, I struggle with this bullshit everyday
And it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular monster
I think I'm going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze
Every wall that I knock down is just a wall that I replace
I'm in a race against myself I try to keep a steady pace
How the fuck will I escape if I never close my case?
Oh my God, I keep on stressin', every second that I waste
Is another second sooner to a blessing I won't take
But my therapist will tell me that I'm going through a stage
Yeah, it's not a fucking stage, I just wanna feel okay, okay
Motherfucker, now you got my attention
I need to change a couple things 'cause something is missin'
And what if I were to lie, tell you everything is fine?
Every single fucking day I get closer to the grave
I am terrified, I fell asleep at the wheel again
Crashed my car just to feel again
It obliterates me, disintegrates me, annihilates me
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular fucking monster
Yeah, here we go again, motherfucker, oh
We're sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a God that you don't believe
We're searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is, oh, where the fuck is your god now?
'Cause I'm about to break down, searching for a way out
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
I break down, falling into love now with falling apart
I'm a popular, popular monster
I'm a liar, I'm a cheater, I'm a non-believer
I'm a popular, popular monster
. . . . . .
Having found this song its all I can do to keep it out. I walk around these days with dark clothing, preferably black, and the hood up. I can't let them see me because they wouldn't like me if I was transparent and revealed what was underneath. So I hide, I lie, I cheat them of the real me, yet inside something is breaking. The ring is cold on my hands at times of my deceptions and indulging in pornography.
Yeah, I got secrets, and I find my only solace in the dark because it invites me with safety. Safe, hidden. Anyone reading my story, don't you even dare sneer. You know your guilty just like me. I avoid talking to God because he won't simply remove my sins from me. I fight to have God and my sin both but all it does is make me ache. My lower back hates me at times. I feel like I'm standing still as well. Why wouldn't I be standing still? Porn is always taking me back to the past and I have a back habit of always wanting to go back and start over. I'm as sad as Overhaul from My Hero Academia.
I'm having nightmares to. I dream grotesque and sorry things. The worst though are when I'm killing people.