AN: this is a bad chapter. Sorry. I just wrote it while stuck in the airport with a four hour delay and nothing to do. Feel free to skip it.

Muffled giggles echoed down the dim hallway.

"Okay, you know, whatever this weird kinky thing you two have got going on, could you at least have the curtesy to shut the goddamned door?" Sirius stuck his head inside of the bathroom.

Tonks was standing over Remus, who was sitting down on the edge of the bathtub, one leg in the tub the other out, with his back up against the wall. His head was titled back slightly against the tile. She was more than halfway finished with him and all that was left on his face was the blotted bits of shaving cream.

She laughed louder than was necessary. Remus was startled. She had a plastic disposable razor wielded in one hand. "Okay, so funny story, actually-"

"No thank you, I don't want to know, actually!" Sirius mocked. His voice was backing away.

"Come on, he's still trying to learn to shave his face!" Tonks defended. "He looks like a confused thirteen year old tried to shave his face!"

"Yeah, mhm, I really don't need to know what gets you off, cousin-"

"Oh shut up!" She shouted.

"Look, Tonks, you see this?" There was this... rapid squeaking and thumping noise and Sirius was doing something to the door. "It's called a door. Shut it for once, goddamn it!"

"It was shut!"

"Not well enough!"

"You had to open it!"

"It was already open!"

"You're awful!" Tonks snapped at him. Remus looked towards her with amusement. "Okay, Remus, I'm almost done if you'll hold you head still for me?"

"That's an awful lot of trust you're putting in her, Moony." Sirius said. "Sharp objects right up against your throat like that."

"Mmm." Remus didn't say anything as the carefully dragged the razor over the side of his face. "You know, I think I'm okay. I seem to be in pretty good hands."

"Come on Sirus, it's not that difficult. It's like shaving your legs, except it's-"

"Okay!" Sirius interjected. "You know, I really don't need to hear about you shaving your legs, or your anything else for that matter. That's gross."

"Okay..." Tonks said in a more focused voice.

"You did... you know, get a different razor for him, right? Not rubbing your leg and whatever else hair on his-"

"Yes, I changed the goddamn razor blade! So please stop interrupting me, because I'm trying to not slice his face open!"

"Ouch!" Remus chimed in, clutching the side of his neck.

Tonks gasped loudly. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Remus, I'm sorry-"

Remus chuckled. "I'm kidding."

A hard punch came in at his shoulder. He jumped, but it didn't hurt as bad as he initially thought. "Excuse me!" He laughed, pretending to be more offended that he actually was. "I believe that's domestic violence, young lady!"

"Oh shut up." She mumbled. Remus smiled to himself.

"You two are idiots." Sirius jumped back in.

"Mhm." Tonks said lightly. "Alright, I think I'm done here. Sirius, do you have any aftershave that I can use?"

"No?" Sirius said back.

"Ookayy..." She sighed, putting a hand towel into Remus's hands. "I guess I'll have to find something somewhere else."

"Tonks, you're really great and all, but please don't just grab the first thing you see and put it on my face." Remus asked. He was trying to fish his leg out of the bathtub.

She had taken a few steps away towards the sink and let out a loud, dramatic sigh. "You always do this. You never let me try and put toxic chemicals on your face. But I suppose I won't this time..."

Remus scoffed sarcastically right back at her. "What is it with you, always want trying to poison me and what not?"

"It builds character, Remus." She replied.

"Look at this, Sirius, first she hits me, now she's moving on to what, trying to poison me? Come on now, I thought we were friends!"

"On Merlin's grave, friends? That's rich. I thought at least you'd call me your sweetheart or something." She swooned dramatically. "Your darling, your heartthrob. Bleh." Tonks shook her head disdainfully. "I might actually throw up in my mouth if you ever call me stuff like that in any way that's not kidding."

"Wait, are you two serious?"

Tonks took the opportunity. "No, you're Sirius."

"HA." Sirius's voice made Remus jump. "HA. HA. You're really fucking HILARIOUS, aren't you? Did you come up with that all on your own now?"

"You reap what you sow." Remus said plainly.

Sirius began to ridicule. "Well, are you two together or not? Or are two just going to sit around with this annoying back and forth banter like we have no idea that you two are daydreaming about getting to practically eat each other's faces off first opportunity you get?"

"Are you, like, I dunno, dealing with a lot of repressed anger right now?" She asked sternly. "Do we need to put you on antidepressants or something?"

"You know, maybe being in prison for over a decade does that to you. Perhaps." He spat back at her.

"Well why don't you... I dunno, go take that out on someone else, huh?" She said in a softer voice. "Really, just take a breath about it, you might actually go mad like the papers say."

"Hey, look, let's not get into it or anything, alright?" Remus sighed. "Can we simply... stop talking about this? Forget it for right now? It doesn't matter to begin with."

"You never answered my question, actually." Sirius appeared to be frowninngnso much, Remus could hear it his voice.

"Which one, the one about the face eating, or...?"

"Yes, Tonks, are you or are you not together with my best friend?"

"Well I... wouldn't say that we... aren't."Tonks got really quiet, and she seemed to be waiting for a response from Remus. "I... I think we are, actually. I can't speak for you though-"

"No, no, don't scratch that." Remus quickly shook his head. "I... I would personally have to agree with the idea that maybe perhaps we are together, but only if you think that we should be...?"

"I think so, yeah." She said adamantly. "Yeah. We're together."

The words were a bit more surreal than he expected.

"Oh." Sirius said. He cleared his throat. "Right."

"Yeah." Tonks remarked awkwardly.

"So... can we go back to you learning to shut doors so that you don't broadcast all of whatever this is to everyone else that's just trying to get by around here?"

"Sirius-"

"Look, and all I'm saying is, if you're going to be doing anything, I expect both of you to be responsible adults who know how to use proper protection when doing certain things..."

"Sirius!"

"Look, I absolutely do not have the time nor the patience to be raising any of either of your babies."

"Sirius, really-"

"And look, honestly? I'd better not be getting joint Christmas gifts now that you two are dating. I expect a proper Christmas gift from the both of you. I'm not skimping on either of your presents, so I don't want to hear excuses."

Tonks let out a long, agonizing sigh. "And I'm presuming you want me home by eleven?"

"Mmm... Ten-thirty, because you have a day job you have to be at in the morning." Sirius taunted.

"What's next, are you going to start making us take our shoes off when we come home or else you're going to put plastic bags on all the furniture?" Tonks asked. "Going to assign us chores to do in case we misbehave? You know, I really think we both know how to conduct ourselves appropriately, wouldn't you say?"

"I've seen you trample after pidgeons at the train station while you were at work. I think you could afford to act a bit more appropriately."

"They're stupid and maybe they deserve it!" Tonks defended. "We get it, you care about us and you have literally nothing better to be doing right now, but can you find something better to do than to monitor if we're keeping an arms length while we're dancing like we're fourteen or something?"

"Now who made you do that?" Remus asked.

"Oh yeah, Sprout had a big policy on abstinence and what not when I was there." Tonks was a bit too enthusiastic about this story. "The winter dances were a complete disaster and they wouldn't let us dance right up against each other. That was back when they actually enforced the dress code on skirt length. Or at least they used to. There was a lot of rowdy stuff going on in the Hufflepuff commons that they were trying to cut back on, but it only got worse, so she probably stopped. I dunno, that's just what they made us do when I was younger."

"Yeah, I don't exactly remember anything about that in orientation, so I would, you know, assume that's not a problem anymore." Remus said dryly.

"You don't remember the Hufflepuff parties we went to-oh wait, we didn't invite you, did we?"

"I'm not upset or anything, but you're just now telling me about parties that you didn't invite me to? What, did you take Peter with you?"

"I mean, Peter's a snitch and all, but you were prefect and you were, no offense, a bit of a wet rag at times. Also, I feel like when we were younger we all sort of imagined you as some... I dunno, sexless, anti-social being that only woke up with the sole purpose of reading books? You never dated anyone when we were there, did you? I can't even remember."

"I did too!"

"Was it a girl?"

"Yes, she was a girl! But I don't see why that matters, frankly-"

"Right well, I'm glad we cleared this us." Tonks confirmed.

"Look, cousin, all I'm saying is keep an eye open on him, he probably doesn't know even how to kiss-"

"I am right here, and my ears work perfectly fine, thank you!" Remus huffed.

"Just messing with you, Moony." Sirius's chuckled. "Just remember to try and close your eyes, alright? Women kind of prefer that."

"I'm sorry, when did we ask for your input on any of this? I thought we were done talking about this. I thought you were going to shut up and leave now." Remus replied.

"It's a friendly reminder, but see, now you aren't going to forget it-"

"Does this make you feel better somehow, just coming and bothering us, or...?" Remus asked. "Because I don't want you to keep this happening in the future."

"Don't worry! You don't have to take me on with you anywhere! I can stay here on the honeymoon-"

"OH MY GOD, do you not know boundaries!" Tonks shouted. "Did Your Mum never teach you when to stop? Ha ha, joke's over, now LEAVE!"

"But back to what I originally came here for anyways, please learn how doors work, because there are some things that the rest of us are not interested in."

"I am...just so close to... to just walking over there and hitting you across the face. With my actual fist. Not in a funny way either."

"No you wouldn't." Sirius's physically braced himself behind the door.

"Alright, kids, that's enough." Remus rolled his eyes. "Come on now, Sirius, stop being so immature."

Sirius said. "Now if excuse me, I'm going to leave you two be-"

"Fucking, finally!" Tonks exclaimed. "Goodbye! No one asked you for your opinion!"

"Have fun, children." Sirius shouted back down the hall.

"I'm sorry." Remus said, exasperated.

Tonks just laughed. "He seems fun at weddings."

"He gets drunk and starts crying."

"See? Like I said."