"You've just made three illegal moves in the game, and we just started." Tonks pointed out. "Sirius, can you come help him for a minute?"

The two of them were occupying the coffee table in the drawing room with a chessboard. Remus had been good at chess, once upon a time. Surely now, he thought, it couldn't be that hard. This was much more difficult than he anticipated.

Sirius made his way across the room to examine the board. "Oh no, he's doing it on purpose. He knows what he's doing." Sirius's voice sounded indicative of a smirk. Remus punched him in the leg.

They were all on lockdown again. Half the fun on Christmas Eve was getting to sneak out and not get caught, but Molly was like a hawk. She didn't think anything at first, when Tonks and Remus were missing at the same time, but it was a pile of Sirius's clothes in the bathroom that gave him away. They had promised not to tell anyone else for fear that the kids would start worrying. Harry in particular had been acting odd since he came home for the break. He had started waking up having night terrors. Tonks was convinced he was gifted with Divination, lending him her tarot cards for practice, but he was certain that wasn't the cause. Yet there was still no explanation for how he had a nightmare about Arthur at the exact same time he had been attacked. Sirius was convinced it was some kind of prophecy, but had yet to support that either. Sirius said he was going to have a talk with him before he went back to school, but today, they were out getting any missing school supplies before starting the new semester.

"Am not!" Remus said. He tended to forget that he didn't need to grab the pieces and ended up even flipping the board over on accident. Tonks kept playing with him despite it, resetting the board.

"Do either of you need anything while I'm up? I'm going to run downstairs. I forgot to feed Buckbeak." Sirius announced. "Hagrid is supposed to take him back to the school with a fake name. Poor guy needs space. That bedroom's not doing him justice."

"I think we're good." Tonks reassured. "Say hi to him for me, will you?"

"Of course, Tonks." Sirius said sarcastically, making his way out.

"Do you want to try again?" Tonks offered.

Remus sighed. "No. It's really no use."

"Maybe we stick with checkers, yeah? Wizard's chess is hard enough as is anyways." She started picking up the pieces and putting them back in the box.

"Thanks for working with me." Remus put on a smile.

"You're welcome." Tonks said. She circled the coffee table, brushing her hand across his shoulder. She walked towards the bookshelf and sighed. "Honestly, as cramped as it is here, I'm not looking forward to my next mission. I'm with Mundungus."

Remus thought about his own previous assignment. He had tried to make it the furthest thing from his mind, but when things were too quiet or too slow, it always crept back into his mind. "Greyback found out that I'm alive." He blurted out. "He's... according to one of the people on the inside, he's debating about hunting me." There was a weight on his chest that was lifted, but immediately replaced with a gaping hole of sadness. Arthur and Dumbledore were the only ones there when he translated the code. Not even Sirius knew yet. One day, Remus knew the place would either get stormed without warning or they would get a message telling them he was coming. Remus knew when that message came there was only one thing he could do to protect the others.

"What's your plan? Does Dumbledore know this?" Tonks asked worriedly.

"Of course, but he's... he's convinced the wards around the house will hold. I'm not so optimistic."

"Doesn't sounds like you, not trusting the big man himself." She sat down on the floor beside him, her hand resting on his in his lap.

"Greyback hunts by scent, not sight." Remus said grimly. "Which means if he gets close, I have to leave."

"You don't have to leave, Remus. You know we'll defend you."

"And when you can't anymore?"

"That's suicide to think you can make it out there, no wand, all by yourself. You'll be hunted down in a week."

"It's suicide to think that you all can fight back for me. Someone would get hurt, get bitten, get killed... Dora, you know they would find my scent on you first."

"I'd fight tooth and nail for you, Remus. You'd do it for me if you could, I know that. That's the point." Tonks said softly. Her breath was getting heavier. She leaned in and lovingly kissed him. It tasted bitter, like poison was dripping from his mouth. She shivered. "How long do you guess you have until then?"

"No clue. I'm only speculating that he will hunt me eventually, whether it's now or in a few years. There's a target on me." Remus remarked. He turned his head away from her. "But you will be the first one, Dora. He'll smell me on you and he'll start thinking things and..."

"Remus, stop it, I've been here long enough to know that it's a risk I don't have a choice in not making-" Her voice sounded strained and hurt. Tonks almost sounded like she was going to cry. "I love you. Whatever that means, I love you, and I'm not going to abandon you."

"I know. I know you want to help-" Remus swallowed. "They might not even kill you, Dora. Killing you would be the least painful thing they could do to you. At least it would be quick, they could bite you... at least if you were dead, you wouldn't feel anything. Fenrir Greyback will hold grudges. That's why he came back to hurt me, that's why when he hunts me, he'll find anyone that I loved, anyone who was close to me... and..." He couldn't finish his sentence. All he could do was point at his face. "This can and will and worse will happen if he finds you linked to me."

"I know... I know what you mean, but... but aren't you a person too? Doesn't your life mean something as well?" She asked. "All we can do is listen for news. I...I wouldn't mind helping you run away. You know that my parents are a safe house. The Order has a plan to relocate if things go bad. No one here would refuse to stand their ground for you."

"That's very kind of you, but-"

"But no!" Tonks protested. "But we care about you. I care about you."

"I know you do, and I care about you too. Don't you understand that this is why I can't stay?" Remus asked. She rested her head against his shoulder and he gently touched the side of her face. "I can't take you with me, but I would. I would if I knew you would be safe."

Tonks was playing with a button on his cardigan. "I love you."

She had said that several times by now and Remus wanted to say it back, like a knee jerk reaction. He had such a clear, perfect picture of what he thought it should mean when he was supposed to say it. He had always had the image of himself being healthy and whole and able to provide for someone he cared about. Love meant that he wanted to be able to give her flowers or tell her how beautiful he thought she was. Love meant going on real dates, not being closed up inside a small house. Love didn't mean being taken care of like damaged good or being the reason someone was being hunted by werewolves. He didn't deserve her. She was too good for him.

"You don't have to say it back." She murmured. "I don't want you to feel pressured, but you need to know it."

"I love you too, Dora." Remus said. "But you don't-"

"Stop saying 'but'. You do or you don't." Tonks said.

"I love you, but your safety is more important to me than any amount of affection could." She tilted her head up at him. Remus leaned over to kiss her, though barely touching her, afraid to hurt her. He leaned in too far, their foreheads bumping together. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Remus ran his fingers over where he bumped her and kissed the spot.

She chuckled. "Why are you so afraid to touch me?"

"Hmm?"

"You touch me like I'm made of glass, like you're going to kiss me too hard." Tonks said. "You can touch my face. You're not going to poke my eyes out." She carefully guided his thumb over her lips. "You'll let me kiss you, but... just in case, I want you to know that you can touch me. If you're comfortable."

"I'm simply not used to this." Remus said. "I'm not used to being so close with anyone. I, erm, "I know, but I'm... I'm not very... I don't exactly have a lot of experience with people like this."

She was quiet for a beat. "That's okay, I don't either." Tonks tried to kid. She squeezed his fingers. "I'm still in awe everytime I see you, because I can't help but think of how lucky I am that I have someone as kind and as accepting as you. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you accept me the way that I am regardless. Seriously, it's blowing me away that you've still never had me change for you. You don't feel like you have to constantly reassure me about what you don't like about my face."

"Well, I do think your nose looks pretty terrible." He said sarcastically. "Could use some work there."

"You're a prick, you do know that, right?" She laughed.

"Yeah, it just looks awful. I just-I can't even bear to look at you sometimes." Remus grinned. "It's the worst nose I've ever seen."

Tonks kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I guess you'll have to learn to love it then." He caught himself wrapping his arms around her. She swayed a bit. "Would you like to go in the other room? A bit more privacy if Sirius comes poking around..."

"We can go to my room if you'd like." Remus said quietly.

He couldn't remember how they got to his bedroom, or over to the bed, or when they sat down, but he knew she had stretched out on her back on the bed.

"Are we-" Remus had to clear his throat. She tasted so sweet and her scent was beginning to intoxicate him, despite the various alarm bells ringing in his head. He felt foolish enough, like a fifteen year old boy with his first crush, but he knew what this was going to lead to. There were two ends of a "bad" spectrum, ranging from looking like a complete idiot to at least one of them was going to start having feelings for the other one. His hand was riding dangerous territory on her thigh. "Are we going to be, um..."

"What's wrong?" Tonks asked. "You look white as a sheet, are you okay? Are we moving too fast?"

"Yes." Remus tried to feign confidence.

"Yes? Yes what?"

"Ah, I'm... sorry- I mean, I'm alright. I'm okay."

"Come here, love, you're fine-" She nudged him with the side of her leg, carefully wrapping it around his waist as he got on all fours on top of her. He accidentally kneed her in the hip before profusely apologizing. "What's wrong?" Her lips pressed against his neck.

"I'm... I don't know, I don't know if I can do this." Remus said quickly. He could feel his face flush.

"Are you worried about your eyes?"

"I'm worried about a lot of things." Remus insisted. "I'm worried about hurting you or not, or you enjoying it, or... My point is yes, I'm sure there's something somewhere in there about that too."

Tonks sighed. "You're a mess, you know that? Slow down. Just slow down, take a deep breath. We'll go slow, okay? Take our time, we don't need to rush through this. And you can grope me all weirdly all you want."

"Tonks, I'm serious, I haven't a clue what I'm doing-" Remus insisted.

"Did you know some people actually put on blindfolds and— no, no, it's an actual thing people do!" Remus burst out laughing and so did Tonks. "I meant that... if people do that to be kinky, you know, perhaps..."

"I know what you meant." He shook his head with amusement.

Tonks laughed happily. She tossed her head backwards, grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling him back in for a kiss. "You're being so bashful! I promise I don't bite, Remus."

She was more playful than heavily passionate about kissing him, her hands lovingly caressing the sides of his face. There weren't many ways to be polite about touching her. He tried to keep his distance at her legs. Holding onto her waist felt even more awkward. He didn't feel much less anxious. His mind kept switching back and forth, trying to explain what he was doing, trying to rationalize being here in the first place, and trying to make himself get up. Nothing good is coming from this, you're only going to both get hurt. What are you doing? You're opening up something that you're never going to be able to close and you're going to make her cry in the end, or you're going to be let down when she finds someone better than you. Why would you want that? When did a reckless bout of immediate gratification ever solve anything?

"Maybe tonight, we just stick to this. I'm not sure I can bring myself to-"

"I am so sorry, am I pushing you again?" Tonks asked sincerely. "I won't. I'm sorry, I didn't meant to push you."

"I..." Remus turned his face away from her. "I don't think it's you."

She nodded. "Okay. Then... do you want to get off of me?"

"I'm so sorry!" He pulled away from her hips.

There was a knock on the bedroom door.

"Hey, Remus?" A voice said through the door.

Remus panicked and they both froze. "Um, yes?" He internally scolded himself for even opening his mouth.

"It's Sirius. So, funny story actually, I'm bleeding just a bit, and I can't find Tonks and I need help with Buckbeak-"

Tonks clasped her hand over her mouth. "Uh, I'm not exactly sure where she went to!"

"Did she go the bathroom? Ow, shit-" Remus turned to Tonks in a panic. "I'm sorry, I need to come in, I need the bandages- Holy shit-"

"Get out!" Tonks shouted. Tonks was busy clamoring off of him, falling off onto the other side of the bed. "Sirius, out!"

"I'm sorry, were you two in the middle of something!" Sirius shouted back.

"What? No, we were just-"

"That bloody bird tried to kill me, and you two were busy doing what?"

"Oh shut up, Sirius, it's not that bad." Tonks got off of the mattress. "We aren't allowed to kiss now?"

"The first aid kit is on my dresser. There's dittany-" Remus said.

"Oh please, don't let my death inconvenience any of you, by any means whatsoever." Sirius was over by the dresser, rummaging through the first aid kit. There was the sound of a bandage unraveling. "I'm SORRY, is that MY blanket you two were planning on shagging on?"

"We weren't even undressed!"

"We weren't even undress- Tonks! That's still more than I ever needed to see, thank you very much!"

"Sirius, how bad is it?" Remus asked, propping himself on his elbows.

"Oh, it's pretty bad, I'm not going to stop seeing the image of the two of you being all intimate for at least a few weeks now-"

"I meant the Hippogriff scratch." Remus said dryly.

"Sort of burning, not going to lie."

"Aw, poor thing, do you need Dora to go kiss it for you?"

"I don't know where her mouth's been " Sirius remarked, tearing off a piece of bandage on what Remus presumed was his arm. "In other news, there's now a loose hippogriff in the house and I need a hand."

Tonks sighed, picking up her wand from the nightstand. "I'll help. Give me a second though, okay?"

"A second." Sirius warned.

Tonks skipped over to the bed and kissed his forehead. "Maybe try again next time, yeah?"

The kids came back from Diagon Alley with all of their supplies for school and everyone ate dinner and went about their usual evening business. But Remus couldn't fall sleep that night. He kept playing his afternoon over and over in his mind, tossing about the bed, trying to think of what he could have done better. Would it have been so bad if they kept going? He couldn't distinguish which part of him was the liar, the part of him so eager to give in or the part holding him back. To make him feel worse were the dreams that he had about her that night.