Chapter 6 – Moving Out
Logan's apartment is ready, he takes his duffel bag and leaves, with promises of a dinner at his place next week.
I'm relieved.
It's not that I didn't enjoy the company, but I needed some air. To be deprived of something for so long and then have it returned is confronting. My mind had to play some catch up with reality.
And I needed a break from those eyes, that face—his attention, his interest, waiting, sipping his beer, caramel depths watching me.
When something happens, and you never discuss it, you never acknowledge it, did it even happen? For some time, I'd convinced myself that the affair was a dream.
Too much alcohol, too many emotions and an over-active imagination.
Surely it was a possibility?
Or, maybe it was a way of dealing with my guilt. A way of living my life with Duncan, marrying him, pretending that I was only his. Shaking it all off as an aberration.
But he was back.
It was real.
I had an affair with my best friend, and so did he. And, it would appear that he came clean and told Parker about it. So why was it that I'd never told Duncan?
I am awake early. Duncan left before the sun rose and left me in bed, tossing and turning and eventually giving up. I decide to tackle the mountain of washing that accumulated while our guest was here. I'm folding, matching socks. Riveting.
My phone buzzes.
7.03 from Logan Echolls
Moving sucks, remind me never to do it again.
I feel my lips curl into a smile as I read his message.
7.05 from Veronica Kane
True Story. But don't you have minions you can pay do this?
7.06 from Logan Echolls
Apparently, when your trust fund is seized, you have to actually work and do things for yourself. It's incredibly disappointing. Take me back, please!
7.07 from Veronica Kane
Oh, Boo Hoo! Lift your boxes and get to work.
7.07 from Logan Echolls
Your arms look big and strong… care to assist?
7.08 from Veronica Kane
Leave me alone. Very important government duties. Who else could possibly match the mayor of Neptunes socks?
7.09 from Logan Echolls
It sounds like critical work. Who knew you could serve your community so well?
I roll my eyes and throw the phone down.
7.10 from Logan Echolls
Pretty please?
7.11 from Logan Echolls
Can you really say no to my sad face?
7.11 from Veronica Kane
Quit being a big man-baby. You have been out of my house for 18 hours. You CAN do things for yourself, you know? You managed it for years…
7.12 from Logan Echolls
I will pay. Pizza, beer.
7.13 from Veronica Kane
Are we still in college?
7.13 from Logan Echolls
I'm a single man, all I have is beer in my fridge and a pizza delivery number. Forgive me.
7.14 from Veronica Kane
Fine, whatever. I'll come over after breakfast.
7.15 from Logan Echolls
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
7.16 from Veronica Kane
Yeah, yeah. Don't forget my payment.
7.17 from Logan Echolls
As IF you would let me forget. See you soon. Xo
I leave the pile of washing and grab my keys.
Logan sits on the floor, pulling clothes out of boxes and sniffing them before placing them on the ground.
"Why are you sniffing them?" I ask, horrified.
"I've had some of this stuff in storage for years, it smells a bit like a thrift shop," he throws an orange shirt to the side in disgust.
"A good rule. If you haven't worn the clothes in a few years, you don't need them. You need a dump pile." I grab a nearby trash bag, shake it open and toss the shirt inside.
"Hey, this is expensive stuff!"
"Fine," I shrug, "It can be a thrift shop pile, it already has the odor," he throws a green button-down at me. I unconsciously put it to my face and inhale. Bad idea. I can't smell thrift shop. The only scent I catch is Logan. I scrunch my nose up and put it into the bag. Great cover, Veronica.
Logan looks around, clearly overwhelmed at the boxes that surround him. "Maybe I should get rid of it all and just go buy everything new?"
"Like a cleansing thing? Or like a lazy thing?"
"Like a cleansing thing. New life, new stuff?" He shrugs and keeps going through the boxes.
"It's a big change. Maybe you should get some new things, make it your own?"
"I've been told what to do the exact minute I need to do it for so many years that I think maybe I'm a little overwhelmed with the choice I now have. I've forgotten a little how to think for myself." He scratches his head thoughtfully, "I went from my parent's house, to our share house, to a house with Parker, to a furnished apartment. Mix that with years of living on ships, living sharing sleeping quarters with 50 other guys and no personal space. I'm 34, and this is the only time I've ever had my own space."
I nod, I know the feeling but keep my mouth shut.
We spend the morning sorting, stacking and finding homes for everything. I help Logan make the bed, wipe down the kitchen cabinetry and put away toiletries. It all feels effortless, like suddenly the years he was gone don't mean anything. He's my friend again. It's a nice feeling. I lean into it.
"Okay, where is my pizza?" I stand, hands-on-hips. "It's past one o'clock and well past my time for payment."
"Oh, god! I dared to forget to feed the beast. Quick" he motions, fearfully "pass me the phone!"
I throw him the phone and he orders, walks to the fridge and takes out some cold beers. I note that is the only thing in his sad, little fridge. He hands me one, and I walk over to a box labeled "stuff" and start opening it up. He collapses onto the couch and kicks his leg up onto the armrest.
I thumb through a box filled with photographs. Photos of Duncan, Aaron, Lily, Parker, Me. They're mostly old printouts. I find one of all of us on Prom night and hold it up to Logan.
"Blast from the past," I look at it closely, "I loved that dress and, of course, Lily hated it."
He grins, "you looked amazing, and you know it,"
I roll my eyes and hold it back up, "look at you, hair gelled to the sky, silk vest. We were certainly the pinnacle of fashion," I touched Lily's face with the tip of my finger. I had become very good at compartmentalizing Lily. She was buried deep in my mind. She didn't come out often. Duncan didn't like talking about it, so we just didn't go there. We also never had photos of her in the house, so it was nice to see her smiling face again.
"Lily would curse us now for all being boring, middle-class losers… and Duncan, the MAYOR!" he muses.
I laugh, "She would surely be famous, having multiple affairs with gorgeous movie stars, dripping with gifted diamonds." I liked to imagine her. Happy, drifting through life like she did as a teen. Surely it was just a fantasy, but it made me feel connected to her somehow.
Logan sipped his beer quietly in thought. I wondered, even after all these years if he still loved her?
"Do you think if it never happened, if you guys would still be together?"
A laugh comes from deep within him, a little bitter. "No. We weren't meant for each other. Lily knew that. I didn't at the time, but I know it now."
I flick through more photos. Photos of Logan as a baby. Pictures of Logan at college. Photos of Duncan and Logan. Surfing. Drinking. Best friends on the beach. Photos of Parker and Logan. College years. Parties. Fun. I pick up a photo of Logan's 21st Birthday. We're all in the kitchen of our share house—pre-drinks before going to the nightclub. We're rosy-cheeked and smiling. Logan is wearing a party hat and a 21 Badge on his shirt. He's smiling broadly, his brown eyes boring into me from the picture, just like that night. I push it back into the pile.
Sauntering into the bedroom wearing only a black bra and my tiniest pair of underwear, I find Duncan sitting up in bed, reading. Again.
Spending the day with Logan has had me on edge for the first time in months, and I'm looking for a release. For so long, I've felt a disconnect with my body, with myself. Suddenly I feel alive, and I want to share the feeling.
"Hey babe," I purr.
He looks up at me over his glasses with caution.
"Are you okay?" He seems genuinely concerned.
I prowl over to the bed shimmy up to his side, tracing a tiny kisses down the side of his neck and licking below his earlobe. He shuffles, turning me to look at him.
"Are you sure?"
I respond by kissing him feverishly on the lips, dragging my tongue across his teeth. I crawl into his lap, pressing myself against him with abandon.
Yes.
This is what I want, isn't it?
He runs his hands up my sides, lifts me and places me onto the bed and swiftly moves away from my advances. I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly covered in chills.
"What the fuck?" I bark.
"V. Sorry. I just can't, not tonight. I'm sorry. It just feels…" He runs his hands through his hair, searching for words.
Blood courses through my veins so fast I can hear it in my ears. "We haven't had sex in months, Duncan, what is this? Is it a marriage? Are we just friends now? Do I repulse you?"
His hands rise and fall, trying to quiet my voice as it grows louder and louder. I silence myself and collapse onto the bed, and he wraps himself around me. It's not as comforting as I'd hoped. It's almost cold somehow.
"You know it's not you V. You are beautiful, sexy, gorgeous! It's the stress of work, the election coming up, the IVF, the failed tests."
I nod. Because I know, I've felt all of it too. It's like an envelope of sadness. Sadness that nothing can fix, certainly not sex.
He runs his fingers through my hair, like a mother would to a child.
At some point, I finally fall asleep in my husbands arms.
"Daddy-o?" I use my key to open the door and call out, looking around.
"Not home?" Logan queries and I walk into the kitchen.
"Oi, old man?" I yell out. Logan shakes his head and laughs.
We have started falling into a routine since Logan has moved back. Now that he is settled into his place and working in his new offices, he seems to finish early on Wednesdays. Invite me for lunch somewhere. I relent because, let's be honest, sitting and working from home most of the time is boring, and I'm easily distracted. He buys me lunch, and we sometimes walk along the beach, sometimes explore old hangouts. Today, I'm trying to find Dad, who was helping me with some files for the firm.
"Back here," I can hear him call from outside.
We move through the house to the yard. He's getting up from a garden bed and brushing himself to get the dirt off.
"Hey, I didn't know you were coming by today," he sees Logan, "Geez! Look who you dragged in! Logan Echolls," he grabs his hand for a dirty handshake, smiling. "Veronica told me you were back in town." Dad looks him up and down, taking in his increased frame size since childhood, "Jesus, least you could do is work out, take care of yourself a little…"
Logan smiles. "Keith, good to see you,"
"Glad you could bring my daughter down to see me. She only ever seems to appear when she wants help with a case!" he baits me and nudges against my arm playfully.
"Well, sometimes I need Neptune's second-best investigator to double-check some things for me."
Dad moves out of the garden and motions for us to follow him to the house. He's aged. Retired for some years now he still lives alone, albeit in a nicer, newer house in the suburbs. He's officially single, but I know that he is not-so-secretly seeing a widow a few houses down. I caught them once on an early morning drop-in still robed and enjoying a pancake breakfast. There is one thing I know my Dad likes to make for his lady friends after a big night. Pancakes.
He motions to us to sit at the table, and we obey. "How is Duncan's race going? Early polling is looking good, I think he's a shoo-in."
"Good, he's doing a lot of local rallies and doorknocking right now. He's pretty confident. First re-election is generally an easy one."
Keith pours us some drinks and pops packaged cookies onto a plate, sitting down with us.
"Well, it's going to be a good race. I'm looking forward to election night. It's a good thing you're back in Neptune Logan, another vote for Duncan!"
I look at Logan and smile, eyebrows raised. "Yes, Logan, you better vote for him," I put my finger into his face.
He puts his hands up, "As if I would consider another candidate," and picks up his first cookie. I've already eaten three.
As we chat, I remember how much of our life as teenagers was spent hanging with my Dad. While I worked at Mars Investigations more often than not Lily, Logan and Duncan tagged along and would hang out. Of course, they didn't need to work. Dad would often feed us all with takeout, listen to our chatter and be the voice of reason on issues when needed. He was a shoulder when Lily was having problems with Celeste, a mentor to Duncan and a father figure to Logan when his was mostly absent. I can't think of the number of times Dad let Logan off, bailed him out of jail or drove him home when he'd had too much to drink. Dad was the one who found Logan after his accident. On patrol late at night he'd come across his car, wrapped around the tree, convinced that no-one could have survived. When he recognized the X-terra, he told me he'd never ran so fast in his life. He didn't wait for the paramedics and pulled Logan out himself.
"I hear you're running a new venture in security?" he asks.
Logan nods, "Yes sir."
"I've got a few contacts from the past which might make some good future clients. I'll let you know they're details if you're interested."
"That would be amazing, for sure, Sir."
"Oh, stop with the Sir." He shakes his hands at Logan.
Logan grins, "Sorry, too many years of yes Sir, no Sir. It's ingrained."
Dad sits back on his chair. "So what's this?" he points his fingers back and forth between us, "are you two teaming up for a special security investigation super force?"
I cough, "Umm, I think not. He's just tagging along today because he was bored."
Logan looks at me in shock eyebrows raised, then smiles.
"I figured you'd have some making up to do, considering the wedding and all," he drops casually.
Oh God, Dad, shut up.
"I do Sir. I wish I could have been here," he looks genuinely regretful.
"Veronica was so upset." He picks up a cookie and looks at me, "She's not an emotional sort, as you well know but it was a rough day. We all missed you."
"Daaad," I put up my hand to stop him, and turn to Logan, "It was fine, really," trying to shake it off, he looks devastated. I put my face in my hands.
"Okay," I stand up suddenly, changing the subject "How did you go with the file?"
Keith shuffles into his office and comes out with some binders, "It's all in there. Pete, and old friend from the Tax Office, helped with some of the older records. It clearly shows discrepancies dating back at least seven years," he hands it to me.
We say goodbye and promise to see each other at the election in two weeks. Dad stands and walks us out onto the porch, waving as we get into the car.
I buckle my seat and start the engine. I can feel Logan looking into me.
"You're so lucky. You know your Dad is amazing?"
I nod "Yeah," I can't turn towards him.
"You know why I couldn't be at your wedding, right?"
I stare at the steering wheel, looking at all its interesting crevices.
"I know," I mutter, putting the car into gear.
His hand encircles my arm and turns me towards him. "No, Veronica, I'm sorry." His brown eyes are so sad. "For all of it. For not being there when you needed your friend there. But I just couldn't be, not after what happened. I couldn't look at Duncan, Parker, myself in the mirror. I couldn't look at you… marrying him." He sighs and presses his head against the headrest. "I lied about work, and I ran away from everything, because it was the easiest thing to do."
I turn, and I can see Dad, still standing on the porch, watching us. Concern in his brow. Logan looks up and sees him too. I put up my hand in a wave and pull out onto the street.
The truth was Logan leaving made everything easier. It was easier to move on. To try and forget.
Easier for me to lie.
To Duncan.
To myself.
So I wasn't mad at him. I was sad.
Sad that we lost five years of friendship for one stupid night. I wasn't sure I was ready to admit to myself that I was also sad that he left that morning. That it was a one night mistake to him. Something he wasn't willing to work through or fight for.
He just left.
I'm awoken at some ungodly hour on a weekend to a commotion.
Grunts and sighs are coming from the walk-in as Duncan searches through the bedroom cupboards, throwing things into the floor.
"Calm down!" I bend over and pick up the dropped items. "It must be here somewhere. I haven't moved it."
Duncan is searching for his wetsuit. Its Sunday and he has cleared his schedule to go surfing with Logan. It has been years since he's been surfing. I can't remember the last time he hit the waves. He spends so much time before a desk now that I'm mildly concerned that his body can't cope with physical activity anymore.
He has pulled his surfboard out from the storage space in the garage downstairs and spent last night excitedly waxing it back to its former glory. I'm glad they're going out together, some manly bonding. God knows Duncan needs it.
We've moved past my little bedroom episode the other night by doing what all couples do with a gaping problem in a relationship—ignore it.
I stagger into the lounge and collapse on the sofa. The house is still so hot, it's stifling. At least there is a fan in our bedroom to get through the night.
There is a knock at the door. I open it to Logan, in sunglasses, blue boardshorts and a singlet leaning against the door jam. My only response to this sight is to try and retreat as fast as I can. No good can come of being close to him when he looks like this.
"Duuuuncann!" I yell, "you're boyfriend's here!"
Logan shoots me a quizzical look.
"He's been up excited about your date all night, and now he can't find his wetsuit, and he's having a little breakdown," I explain.
"Its 100 degrees outside, he won't need a wetsuit."
I shrug, "I don't know what you need to surf," and I whisper, "and clearly he can't remember either."
Logan strolls in behind me as Duncan comes out of the room, wetsuit in hand and a smile on his face.
"Found it," he beams, holding it up. It looks small. I wonder if he will still fit into it?
He heads into the kitchen and grabs the picnic basket he packed with lunch and beers, just like old times.
"Please take care of him, Logan. Don't go too far out."
"Yes, Mum, and I'll have him home by 6 pm," he salutes me.
Duncan stops by me and kisses me on the cheek. "Wish me luck," he starts heading down the stairs towards the parking garage, wetsuit slung over his shoulder.
"You coming Wednesday night? Duncan would love you to be there."
Logan nods. The election for Mayor is on this week. Duncan is hoping for a swift re-election and a celebration party to follow. Win or lose. He will need his friends there for support.
"I'll be there. I even got a new suit for the occasion."
"Great, see you there," I smile. Logan walks into the hallway.
"Nice outfit by the way," Logan quips as he closes the door.
I look down and realize I'm wearing only an oversize t-shirt and underwear.