When You Assume…

Summary: You make an ass out of you and me. When Cana refuses alcohol, everyone starts getting suspicious, especially with the 'stomach bug' she's had the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't own

AN: None of the medical stuff in this is real- I made it up, please do not take it seriously, this is just meant to be funny! Also not related to my other works!

"Are you feeling okay?!" Macao asked the card mage in barely disguised alarm, had she really just said that?

"Yeah, why?" Cana replied absentmindedly, focused on whatever her tarot cards were telling her- okay, maybe she just hadn't heard him.

"Uh- I just wanted to know if you wanted beer…" Macao said hesitantly, alright, she just hadn't heard him properly, and obviously her answer would be-

"Oh, no thanks." She repeated as she focused on her cards again.

"Huh?!"

Macao turned to see Wakaba equally dumbstruck- so he wasn't hearing things after all? That was almost worse, Cana refusing booze was like Natsu refusing a fight; that would only happen when pigs started flying and the apocalypse started!

Wakaba immediately grabbed the card mages shoulders, putting his hand on her forehead to check her temperature, only for the annoyed sixteen-year-old to shake him off.

"What are you doing?" Cana asked slightly annoyed as she dodged the older man.

"Its… you never refuse booze, are you sure you're okay?" Macao asked, slightly freaked out.

"Oh that," Cana said dismissively," Don't get me wrong, I really want to, but doctors orders and all that," she finished with a shrug, gathering up her cards to leave.

Both men were stuck on the 'doctors orders' part.

"A doctor told you not to drink…?" Macao questioned, a nigging suspicion building in his mind.

Cana nodded as she slung her purse over her shoulder," Yeah, I'm banned from booze for the foreseeable future, can't even have a glass of wine," she said mournfully," See you guys tomorrow, I have an appointment to get to anyway."

Both men could hear themselves responding but couldn't really process it. A doctor had banned Cana from drinking… and she was going along with it.

"Did that just- "

"You heard that too right- "

Macao and Wakaba just blinked at each other, realizing that they hadn't just imagined Cana refusing booze. As they sat at the table, each with a beer in hand as they tried to process that exchange.

"… What do you think is going on?" The fire mage asked his friend.

The other man just shrugged, before offering," Maybe it has something to do with that stomach bug she had last week? I mean I've never seen her so sick before." Cana had been throwing up like a firehose for a couple days straight, poor thing had barely been able to keep anything down.

"I don't know, I mean why would a doctor ban her from drinking over a… stomach… bug…" Macao trailed off, his eyes growing wide as he and Wakaba locked eyes in matching states of panic.

"You don't think-?"

"I- I don't know."

Cana had been throwing up and now a doctor was saying that she couldn't drink so much as a glass of wine… there had to be a better explanation than the one they were forming in their heads.

oOOOOo

The next day both mages were each keeping one eye on the card mage as soon as she entered the guild hall the next day to work on plans for this years Fantasia parade with Lisanna and Levy. Neither was entirely sure what they were looking for, they had to just be paranoid. There had to be a lot of explanations… of course they couldn't think of anything right then but there had to be something!

…But warranted or not, Cana did have a reputation-

No. No, just no. There was another explanation that they were simply overlooking.

The three girls were currently discussing budget and what they conceivably manage for floats out of what they could get- and how likely it was that they would see a decrease in budget following whatever destruction somebody caused next (very likely).

Pausing for a moment, Levy turned to the card mage who had been eating from a bag of candy as they talked, "Wow Cana, strawberry chews again? You've been eating those every time I've seen you for weeks now." The blue haired scholar commented, to which the brunette shrugged.

"Yeah, just haven't been able to get enough of them lately- I've been going through like a bag a day."

"Speaking of lately, how have you been doing Cana? You said that the doctor gave you some kind of medicine?" Lisanna asked her friend concerned.

Cana snorted," Yeah, gave me something for the nausea, not that it works that well- I got one bite into a curry dish and I was hurling."

Both girls winced in sympathy, before Levy asked," Yeah, what's up with that? I mean could they figure out what's wrong with you?"

Unnoticed by the trio of girls, Macao and Wakaba leaned in trying to catch Cana's answer.

"Doc says this should only last another few weeks before it finally stops- until then I just have to deal."

The girls went back to the planning, not catching the shared look between the men: cravings, vomiting that would disappear in a few weeks, doctors' visits, and no alcohol; things were beginning to add up.

oOOOOo

The two men had originally planned to casually bring up their suspicions to Master Makarov, after getting him in private for a discussion this sensitive. What actually happened was a half-panicked Macao blurted it out before the door to the office was even fully closed.

"We think Cana might be pregnant!"

The miniscule guild master immediately spat out the coffee he'd been drinking a strangled "what?!" escaped as he coughed.

The duo winced before Wakaba repeated," We think that Cana might be pregnant!"

"I-I heard you the first time," Makarov said incredulously, "What happened to make you think that?"

They shared a glance before Macao started to explain," Well… we started getting suspicious when she turned down booze-"

"Cana turned down booze?!"

A sigh from Wakaba," Yeah, that's about how we reacted. Apparently she went to see a doctor about that 'bug' from last week… and, well he told her no alcohol for the foreseeable future and that apparently the nausea should clear up in a couple weeks; add to that her recent strawberry cravings… and yeah I don't think it could really be anything else." He finished with a wince.

For a few minutes the office was silent as Makarov processed the implications,"… I'll get Cana in here and we can ask her ourselves- something like this she shouldn't keep secret."

"All we have are suspicions, Master." Macao pointed out weakly, he'd known Cana since she was a tiny little girl who looked at them with such awe every time they showed her magic- to think that she might be having a baby…

"Who do you think it is?"

The fire mage and guild master blinked at the question, not following.

Wakaba amended himself," Who do you think the father is- I mean Cana does have a reputation…" he trailed off with a wince, rubbing at the back of his head.

That made the sense of panic rise in the room- who was the father? It seemed like Cana had a new boyfriend every other week.

"I-I don't even want to think about that just yet," Macao admitted feeling slightly sick (he knew he should've gone tougher on those boys when she started dating!)

"…When we talk to her, we'll just have to ask Cana about who the father is and hope she tells us." Makarov said with a sigh, rubbing at his face with his hands.

Unknown to the men, who started to discuss how they would approach the topic with Cana when they saw her, a certain pink-haired dragon slayer had been listening near the still open door to the office.

oOOOOo

"Cana's pregnant."

Everyone at the table immediately spat out what ever was in their mouths or chocked on their own spit if there wasn't anything.

"WHAT?!" came the unified yells of the entire younger generation of Fairy Tail.

"Cana's pregnant." Natsu repeated," I heard Gramps talking about it with Macao and Wakaba in his office."

Judging by the slack jawed expressions on everyone's faces this was news to them too.

"Seriously?!" Mira asked incredulously- Cana was having a baby? With who? And why was Natsu the first one to know about this?

The pinkette shrugged," They're trying to figure out who the dad is- 'cause apparently, she's not saying."

That started conversation.

"… As much as I hate to admit it, that's not a bad question," Levy said sheepishly, cheeks burning," I mean, she has a new guy every couple weeks- maybe she doesn't even know." The blunette looked ashamed at what was coming out of her mouth.

"That's mean! I mean just because Cana has… a reputation- youre making it sound like she's some kind of slut!" Lisanna snapped indignantly, before pausing," … Although her being pregnant does explain a lot."

Everybody that had seen Cana throwing up and heard her refusing booze nodded in agreement.

"But who is the dad?" Mira asked curiously," I mean, if Cana's not saying then there has got to be a reason, right? Maybe he's in another guild?" The She-Devil suggested.

Erza was furious," What if he is refusing to take responsibility?"

"Then we beat him up until he does!" Surprisingly, that came from Lisanna.

"Not taking care of your kid isn't Manly- whoever the dad is definitely isn't a real Man!" Elfman said firmly, before continuing," But who do you think it is? I mean she doesn't date among the guild and she normally doesn't do second dates, so all that's not leaving a very big pool of suspects."

"That's assuming we even know about him, I mean I don't know about you guys, but I haven't exactly been keeping track of all her flings," Droy said sensibly.

"There's some guy in Quatro Cerberus who supposedly drinks more than she does- if nothing else they would have had something to talk about," Jet offered, only to get a volatile reaction from the Scarlet haired Fairy.

"Bacchus fathered Cana's child?!" Erza nearly shrieked in rage," That drunk! I'll string him up by his balls if he even thinks about leaving her with the little one!"

That got everyone's attention from the rest of the guild hall, who had somehow remained ignorant to the discussion up until that point.

"Whoa- what's this about Bacchus and Cana?" Laxus, of all people asked, as he and his thundergod tribe walked over with the rest of the guild.

Natsu answered with a shrug," Cana's pregnant and we're trying to figure out who the dad is- apparently it could be this guy." The pinkette was being surprisingly non- confrontational today. The nonchalant way he delivered the news left everyone stunned before they all quickly joined in on the debate.

"What about Gray?" Bisca asked, making everyone turn to her in confusion.

"What about Gray?" Lisanna asked curiously, not following the sniper's logic.

"Gray and Cana spend most of their time together- if Cana's pregnant then I am willing to bet money that it's his."

That caused everyone to start arguing- some in agreement and others saying that there was no way that it was Gray's baby. Several fights began breaking out as the usual suspects took the debate a bit too far.

Before too long Makarov, Wakaba, and Macao all came out of the office to see what the commotion was about.

"QUIET!" The suddenly giant-sized man roared, making everyone stop in their tracks as they focused on the guildmaster.

"Now, what is going on- Laxus?" The smaller man questioned his grandson, who held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Don't look at me Gramps," the lightning mage said," Everyone's just taking the debate a little- passionately."

"Debate?" The man questioned- what was going on now?

Erza stepped forward," We are all merely trying to figure out who the father of Cana's baby is Master."

That made the three men freeze- had Cana actually announced her pregnancy?

"…I take it Cana decided to announce it," Makarov said slowly.

That got some sheepish looks from the younger generation," Well, not really." Mirajane admitted before throwing the dragon slayer under the bus," Natsu was eavesdropping and heard you talking about how you didn't know who the father of Cana's baby is."

Natsu squawked at being made the sacrificial lamb as Makarov turned his gaze onto him, before pinching the bridge of his nose and exhaling loudly," Natsu… we were simply discussing the possibility that Cana might be pregnant. Based on her behavior the last few weeks we have a theory, what you heard was speculation. We were planning to ask Cana once she came back to the guild- "

"Ask me what?"

Everyone turned in unison to see a very confused card mage standing in the doorway of the guildhall- staring at them with a raised eyebrow. Though that wasn't what everyone focused on, no what they were focused on was-

"Cana!" Lisanna yelped," Why do you have beer?"

The girl in question looked at the white haired girl like she had lost her mind, before taking a swig from the bottle," Because I needed a drink- and judging by how all of you are looking at me I think I'm going to need another one."

Everyone watched lightly twitching as the girl walked up to the bar and sat herself down taking another swig from the bottle," Now, is someone going to tell me what's going on?"

"Didn't your doctor say that you weren't supposed to drink?" Macao asked worried.

Cana snorted," Relax- its that non-alcoholic crap. Still think it's a total abomination but I needed the taste to trick my brain into thinking it's getting the real thing."

That caused everyone to sag in relief, not that they had doubted Cana… okay they had doubted her. They could feel guilty about it later- right now they needed to find out if there really was a baby on the way.

"Why are you all so relieved?" Cana asked suspiciously, looking at the forms of her guildmates.

Makarov cleared his throat, before suddenly forgetting how to talk in face of his surrogate daughter- how do you ask a woman if she's pregnant without being insulting?

"Are you pregnant?" Thank you Natsu for deciding to take the bullet for your beloved Master.

The sixteen-year-old blinked once, twice, and then she just stared dumbfounded at the lot of them. "…What made you think that I was pregnant?"

Everyone blinked, blushing as they realized that they must have been way off.

"Uh… the vomiting, the doctor's appointments, the strawberry cravings, and the 'no alcohol' rule," Macao summed up, wondering what actually was going on and how best to apologize to his surrogate daughter for inadvertently causing this whole fiasco.

Cana looked at him while she processed," Alright, I admit that if I was looking from the outside then I probably would have jumped to 'pregnant' too." The brunette conceded," I have an abraded gastric ulcer. Basically it's a hole in my stomach lining, causing me to throw up excessively due to excess stomach acid, drinking alcohol while I get treated for this is just an all around bad idea, and the strawberry candy is just about the only thing that doesn't come back up immediately."

At the end of explanation everyone suddenly felt really, really stupid. Even though Cana admitted that she could see how they came to that conclusion, it didn't make them feel any less horrible for everything they had been thinking.

"…Wait should you even still be working with a hole in your stomach?" Levy asked incredulously, making everyone still when they realized just how serious it actually sounded- they had seen how sick Cana had been in the last week, how much worse was this going to get?

The card mage laughed slightly, smiling at how concerned her family was," Don't worry- it was caught early enough that fixing it up won't be a problem. I'm going in for surgery next week- simple procedure in and out. After that and a week or two in recovery, and I'll be right as rain."

A single exhale was released from the entirety of the guild as soon as they heard that she was going to be okay.

"It's only fair that as an apology you get your fair pick among us. Whoever you want Cana, they will wait on you hand and foot until you're recovered."

A wicked little grin crossed the girl's face as a collective shudder went down the spines of every Fairy Tail wizard as Cana held her chin in her hand as she teasingly stroked it evil mastermind style.

"I think I'll take Levy, Lisanna, Gray, and Laxus."

"Why Laxus?" Somebody yelled.

"Because I can see he really does not want to, and when I'm lying on Gray's couch in pain and drugged up- watching Laxus be miserable as he waits on me will be a kind of medicine all in itself."

As everyone laughed at her reasoning, Wakaba blinked at something apparently everyone had missed," Why are you going to be on Gray's couch while you're recovering? Wouldn't your own apartment be better?"

Cana shrugged," That boy is my brother, maybe not by blood, but in all the ways it counts- when I went to the doctor he went with me, when I go into surgery he's going to be waiting for me until I get out- the wards at Fairy Hills wouldn't let him take care of me there, so I'm going to him, simple as that."

"But why did you ask for him then?" Natsu questioned.

"How else could I guarantee none of you jerks would drag him on a job?"

And with that everyone dispersed, all content that the misunderstanding had been solved, while Macao and Wakaba learned to never jump to conclusions- and that asking a difficult question could prevent a lot of drama.

AN: I came up with this idea when I was trying to work on a final and I couldn't resist putting this together! I think it came out pretty cute and I don't normally write comedy. Also, in case you didn't see this at the beginning ALL MEDICAL STUFF IS FAKE! I MADE IT UP- IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM IS IT ACCURATE! That said please tell me what you think!