Summary: He saw just how broken she was, crumbling underneath a dark loneliness he knew all too well – but he was no Geralt, the one who still held the key to her heart and the dying embers of the once all-consuming fire she was known for. Yet, maybe, just maybe, he could be enough to save her from drowning in the memories of a lost love.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Witcher or any characters and stories affiliated with it. All credit goes to CD Projekt and Andrzej Sapkowski.
"...And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink."
When I Have Fears That I May Cease to Be, John Keats
Cease to Be
Chapter one
Eskel stared back at turquoise eyes, the loud shouting of celebration around them muted by her sudden appearance before him. He liked to think that he was a man of simple pleasures, not seeking the fame and fortune that seemed to follow Geralt wherever he went on the Path despite his brother's complaints. So when Triss Merigold sat in front of him, eyes a little sad and what seemed to be a permanent frown on her face, a promise he once made to himself faltered about simple things in life.
...Just a little.
He once swore to never be used by the sorceress – or in fact, any sorceress – again after the stunt she pulled in retaliation to Geralt breaking her heart, because when sorceresses and witchers became involved, it was never, ever, simple. A lesson he learned and remembered, always.
But something about this time was different, wasn't it? Somehow, they both knew that his brother would not be returning to her like he once did, that the air had a sense of finality to it, with the way Geralt was looking at Yennefer in the corner of the room, eyes bright with love and happiness in a way he had never seen before. It made sense he felt this way; Ciri was safe, the war had been won, and life would go on, and Geralt was Geralt, who was finally content with his life.
"Say again?" Eskel heard himself asking, amber cat eyes blinking at her.
Triss began fidgeting with the amulet around her neck, biting her bottom lip. "I'm sorry about what I did to you, all those years ago."
With a shake of his head, he said, "...I forgave you for that years ago. Besides, it wasn't just your fault, I'm to blame for that too." Which was the truth; while she may have seduced him, he could have just as easily turned her down, but he hadn't. "You have nothing to apologize for." He emphasized nothing.
"What I still did was wrong."
With a swig of ale, Eskel looked to the ceiling with a heavy sigh before turning back to her. "What do you want from me, Triss? You obviously aren't seeking the company of a man like me without a hidden motive."
"What? Of course, I am – I...I just, I want to be your friend again?" She grimaced at her own stumbling of words but continued, "I mean, when we were all at Kaer Morhen training Ciri, we were good friends, weren't we?" She twirled her cup of ale as she quietly said, "I miss that."
There was silence between them for a moment as the words registered in his head and with every passing second he went without responding, he saw her shoulders fall further down, her eyes darkening with something he was a little too worried about. "...Well, I hate to break it to you, but I thought we were already friends, Merigold. I'm actually a little hurt that you thought otherwise," he teased, forcing a smile. Truthfully, his heart still thumped a little harder, his stomach fluttering like a goddamn prince in those stupid fairytales when he was around her; but as he swore by, he was a man of little needs and wants, knew when to put others before himself, and this was one of those moments.
It was worth whatever heartbreak he'd feel in the future when Triss's face lit up just the slightest, so he ignored the cracking of his own heart when he clinked his glass with hers.
0O0
Months passed and Eskel found himself in Kovir, having finished a contract and searching for a place to stop for the night when he smelled hints of wild rose and raspberries.
Triss.
Feeling a little stalkerish, he found himself following the perfume trail to an open market, where Triss's fiery red hair stood out amongst the crowds, easily recognizable. Pushing through the people, he tapped on the sorceress's shoulder when he reached her.
"Can I – Eskel!" With her arms wrapped around a bag, she smiled in place of a greeting. "What are you doing here?"
"Just finished a contract and was passing through when I saw you." No need to say he caught her scent, even if that was not the weirdest thing he had ever said to her.
"I'm–"
"If you're not buying anything, then sod off! There's people in line!"
Ah, yes – Eskel remembered exactly why he despised big cities like Pont Vanis and stuck to smaller villages in the countryside. People were particularly rude here, it seemed, and had no patience for anything. They hadn't even been talking a minute and the man behind him was about ready to burst a vein.
He frowned at the outburst but kept silent as Triss quickly apologized, motioning to him to follow her. He did exactly so, even grabbing the bag she had in her hands as she led them away. They walked to her home while Triss spoke of the past few months with King Tankred and how the court was full of petty drama as Eskel quietly listened to her rant about her new position as a court advisor.
She hid her pain well but he saw through her facade. Where her smile could once light up an entire room, her voice either calming or terrifying whoever was at its end with her sapphire blue eyes sparkling with mischief, he saw none of that now. He knew when she was happy and carefree because she once shined, nearly blinding him every time he had seen her.
They stopped at a door where Triss rummaged through her coat in search of its key. "Give me a second, I know I have it here somewhere…" she mumbled but after a few seconds, she groaned. He stayed silent, a raised eyebrow his only response, as she said, "I forgot the key at the library earlier – damn it. But it's okay, I have an extra – right – here!" She stuck her hand underneath a flowerpot, pulling out a second key, and in seconds unlocked her home.
Eskel simply snorted and held the door open for her as she returned the key to where she hid it. "The great sorceress Triss Merigold, Merigold the Fearless, cleverly hiding the key to her home underneath the single flowerpot by the door," he teased.
"Yeah yeah, shut up" she muttered, grabbing the bag in his hands as she walked in.
Happy with the friendly jab, he looked around her home, leaving Triss to put away whatever it was she bought today. But the somewhat happy mood he found himself in disappeared the more he observed the room, replaced by a frown that seemed to deepen the longer he stared. Her home was...cold, barely a home at all; it was bland and bare, no signs of personal items like paintings and whatnot.
How long had it been since everyone parted ways – seven, eight months – and this was where she lived, alone?
"I don't really have anything to eat here but there's a tavern nearby I go to." Triss walked out of the kitchen, looking at Eskel leaning against the door, out of place with his armor and swords. She wasn't blind to the look of displeasure on his face and she knew the culprit was her home, but she ignored that and walked forward. He returned her gaze but seemed...uncomfortable now, but Triss could never be sure with the witcher. "Do you...want to go?"
Eskel, on the other hand, ignored the itch from his scar and smirked. "I've been on the road all day, I'm starving. Of course, I'd love to eat dinner with you."
Once again, with Triss in the lead, Eskel followed beside her silently, the air between them somewhat awkward, but just as she said the tavern was just around the corner. In a matter of minutes, they were sitting at a table, a glass of ale in both their hands as the room was filled with music, stories, and laughter, none of which originated from where they sat.
Triss was playing with her amulet again – a nervous habit she had – as he tilted his head, silently observing the woman before him. She didn't notice his staring, for which he was grateful for. A part of him told him to stay away; her problems weren't his and the last time he helped a sorceress he had gotten his heart broken. But longer he sat at the table, the more he knew he couldn't leave her like this, a broken shell of her former self. He wondered what was going through the sorceress's head right now.
"You okay?"
Triss jolted out of her thoughts at the question, her eyes clearing just a little. A simple question with a simple answer: yes or no?
The reality was that Triss was nowhere near okay but Eskel didn't need to know that. She didn't want to bother him about the letter she received from Dandelion, about Geralt and Yennefer's travels in Toussaint, about how they've settled down in Corvo Bianco and how they're happy and how she missed–
"...Yeah, I'm fine."
She wasn't fooling anyone though, she knew that. Instead, she absentmindedly took a sip of her drink, ignoring the slight burn of the alcohol as her thoughts went to the witcher – but not the one sitting with her. She couldn't help but remember when she was happier, when a certain white-haired witcher had chosen her to be with, when her heart felt ready to explode from how happy she had been. Amber eyes staring at her with what she thought was sympathy when she tried to kiss him, the fireworks exploding above–
The room suddenly felt too hot and small; she couldn't be here, she needed to leave.
"I can't–" Triss suddenly bolted up from her chair and placed a few coins on the table. "I'm sorry," she rasped out to her unfortunate companion, her voice small and rough, turquoise eyes shined with tears as she practically ran out of the tavern, leaving the witcher alone.
Not surprised, Eskel ignored the disgusted and terrified looks he got as he paid for his own drink, quickly following after the sorceress.
He found her sitting on the steps of her home, face in her hands with her shoulders shaking. Eskel silently sat beside her as she sobbed, which she took as an invitation to throw herself around him. His arms wrapped around her automatically as she cried, patiently supporting her through her sadness.
They stayed like this for a while, long enough for the moon to be shining high above them by the time her cries turned to sniffles. He gently peeled her away to look at her; her eyes were red and puffy, cheeks splotchy from the tears as something in her eyes seemed a little too muted. "Let's go in." Leading them into her home, he sat her down by the fireplace and quickly lit it with a spell; the nights weren't that cold but Triss looked ready to fall apart, shivering in her clothes.
He remained kneeling by the fire, an arm resting on one leg when he turned to her. Triss had a distant look to her eyes that he could easily deduce was related to a certain witcher and her current emotional state. Without scaring her, he put aside his weapons and sat beside her, taking her hands into his scarred ones. Hoping to somewhat comfort her, he began to rub her knuckles as she continued staring into the fire, the dancing of flames reflected on the shadows of her face.
"I'm such poor company nowadays, Eskel. I'm sorry," she apologized, looking down at their hands.
"Us Witchers are no better, you know that."
Silence permeated the air as Triss lifted their joined hands, now her rubbing his knuckles. She felt the typical shocking sensation of magic that radiated from Eskel, so much more than any other Witcher she had ever touched, and this feeling somewhat centered her, reeling her back from her earlier thoughts as she turned to face him.
He looked at her with so much compassion, but never pity. While everyone always tiptoed around her, worried that every word said would make her think back to Geralt, Eskel, he would always smile at her, never pitying her from the heartbreak of her own doing. Why? She didn't deserve the looks of warmth he gave her, didn't he know that?
...Yet here he was beside her, trying to help her through fallen tears for a man that would never love her again.
With a sudden determination brewing in her chest, she released his hands from her grasp and placed a palm on his chest, her eyes suddenly clear with something he couldn't quite read.
"Merigold."
With her other hand, Triss gently grazed the large scar on his face, her fingers feeling the stubble that was beginning to grow. Then, he suddenly grabbed her wrist. The air around them was charged with tension and he was not oblivious to this.
"This isn't a good idea," Eskel heard himself say, voice deep and unsure.
"Why not?" she countered, voice sharp, as she looked at their hands before turning back to him. "What's wrong with this?" He remained silent, refusing to respond when she suddenly threw her leg over his lap to straddle him. Eskel's hands betrayed him as they automatically let her go to support her, now resting along her hips, her eyes looking at him with an intense desire. "I want to feel something, anything. I'm tired of feeling dead inside," she whispered, her face growing closer to his. "We're both a little broken, aren't we?"
This was a bad idea.
"Please."
This was a horrible idea.
"Eskel."
Triss captured his lips with her own and he knew he was fucked.
Eskel returned her kiss, tasting the salt of her tears on her mouth, his hands now resting along her lower back to push the two closer. When she pulled back just a little, he gently wiped away the tears that escaped again, his hand against the side of her face as they paused, breathless, staring deep into each other's eyes. Her hands ran through his hair as they returned to their kiss, the minutes ticking by before he moved his mouth down to her neck, her moaning as she ignited beneath his touch.
Then, with no warning, he lifted her up with a squeal as her legs wrapped around him, carrying her to the bedroom. Laying her down on the bed, he leaned above her and looked at her with her hair a little wild and spread out against the sheets, reminiscent of the flames she was so well known for.
Damn, she was beautiful.
Triss's thumb tracing his cheekbone, there was a sadness to both their smiles as he leaned back down, entrapping her lips with his own. For a while, that was all until she suddenly rolled them over, him on his back, her straddling him once more.
She began to kiss him more intensely, her hands along the side of his face as she did so. She quickly moved her hands to his armor when he suddenly grabbed them, forcing her to pull back with a whine. It took all his willpower to stop what they were doing, but..."Are you sure, Merigold?" his voice husky with desire but the last thing he wanted was to do something she wasn't sure about.
"Shut up and kiss me."
Hours later with Triss asleep on his chest, Eskel found himself awake, staring at the ceiling as he lightly traced circles on her naked shoulder. The sun was barely rising as he sighed; he was deep in thought, his foremost concern was what had occurred between them.
The way Triss had looked at him, a little broken just like he was, he knew he couldn't have turned her down like he thought he could. She needed someone – anyone, really – to be in the position where he was; a companion, a lover, a friend. Someone to be there for the sorceress, to listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. From here on out, whatever she would need, he knew he would be there for just because of how much she meant to him. And if that meant he would find himself hurt, again, heartbroken and confused, then...
"What are you thinking about, witcher?" Triss grumbled, her voice rough with sleep. Her eyes remained closed as she snuggled into his arms, only to freeze when he sighed.
"I'm thinking that I think I need to leave soon," he responded, a yawn involuntarily leaving his lips. He gently ran his hands through her tangled hair, still looking at the ceiling. For a while, she didn't respond – he almost thought she had fallen asleep, but he was a witcher; she couldn't fool him.
But he stayed in bed for a little while longer, the warmth of her body relaxing his aching muscles, until the sun was a little higher, signaling the time. He tried to untangle their legs but frowned when she refused to move. "Merigold, I have another contract."
Triss finally turned her eyes to his and the blue were guarded, shielding her thoughts from him. "I…" Her brows furrowed, almost as if she was going to say something, but she disappointingly remained silent and simply nodded, finally letting him go.
Eskel slowly sat up with his back to her, stretching, when he felt warm hands tracing the scars on his back.
"This one's new."
"I got that chasing down an ekimmara a few months back," he grumbled. Finding his trousers, he quickly put them on before sitting back down on the bed to tie his boots. Triss interrupted him, suddenly wrapping her arms around his chest and resting her chin on his shoulder.
"Eskel?" He grunted in response, looking at her. "When will I see you again?" she asked and damn those eyes, he couldn't look away.
Clenching his jaw for a moment, he thought about it for a second before saying, "I took a contract here in Kovir." Then, before he could stop himself, the words he didn't want to say left his mouth: "I'll be back, if you, uh, want."
Yet, this response seemed to make Triss happy because she smiled and nodded; not those big ones he once saw long long ago, but a small one, enough to reveal the small dimple on the sides of her cheek. It took all his willpower to not capture those lips with his own but he held back, feeling just a little less warm when she finally let him go, allowing him to finish getting ready to leave.
The sun was even higher in the sky when he stood at the door, Triss following closely behind. He turned his eyes down and saw her looking nervous, hair still a little messy from the night's activities. "I promised I'd be back, didn't I?" he said, knowing that it was so wrong to say that, yet felt so right.
"You did promise me." Triss suddenly wrapped her arms around him before pulling away just as quickly, and Eskel hated the way she looked at him. A little confused, a little happy – he was just a sad excuse for a replacement for his brother. He knew this, she knew this, but here he was, standing by her door with a promise to return like the fool he was.
Quickly wanting to leave the weird tension in the air, Eskel began to move when a hand on his arm stopped him. A gentle finger traced the scar on his face as Triss said, "Be safe, Witcher."
That was her goodbye and his cue to leave.
Triss watched the witcher walk out of her home, and when she could see him no more she closed her door, wrapping her arms around herself a little tighter as guilt threatened to overwhelm her.
Eskel was Eskel; handsome, a gentleman, a calming nature in comparison to the chaos that was his witcher brothers. What was she doing, using him, making him promise her something as foolish like that?
She had been so lonely and for him to…
It was unfair to the man for what she did to him because she knew how he felt about her – had always known. And here she was, selfishly using him for her own pleasures, unable to give him the one thing he didn't know he wanted.
Last night as she laid in bed with him, his breaths telling her he was asleep, all Triss could remember was a different man in bed with different arms wrapped around her. Her thoughts, as usual, were occupied with that of the white-haired witcher, of how she missed him and his laughs, his stories and his jokes.
But Geralt was gone, forever out of her reach, and she was left in his past while he happily loved another.
Triss laid back down in her bed and curled into a ball and wept – for the man she still loved and for the loneliness that threatened to drown her in a sea of sadness.
0O0
Eskel found himself returning to Triss's side, his stays gradually growing longer and longer in Kovir. It was nice, for a change, to wake up to a beautiful woman at his side, a stable place where he could let his guard down just a little bit. He didn't have to keep an eye open as he slept, to have his weapons ready at a minutes notice – he could truly sleep without a worry in the world.
And it seemed his presence made the sorceress a little happier, although at times he still saw her depression threatening to overwhelm her. During those days, he held her a little tighter, kissed her a little gentler. It was those nights where his own feelings got muddled with his actions, where he had to force himself to remember that she did not love him, not as he did, and that he was just a body to keep her warm during the cold nights.
This morning, he lingered in bed, knowing that the cold brisk morning air was a warning to him that winter was near. He would need to leave Kovir, find a place where he could stay for the cold months because Kaer Morhen was no more, not without Vesemir and his brothers –
"Eskel?"
He blinked away those thoughts of his family, refusing to spiral back down into memories that made his heart ache a little more than usual, and turned to Triss. She sat at the edge of the bed, fully dressed for the day, and watched him with worry in her eyes.
He ignored his heart beating a little harder as he finally got out of bed. He could feel her eyes watching him as he stood up when she asked, "Is everything okay?"
"I'm fine." His voice was a little gruff due to the early morning, his hair a little unkempt as he tried to brush it down with his fingers. "Just realizing how cold it's getting."
"Oh...yeah, the court is planning their move to Lan Exeter in the next few weeks."
"The winter capital, right?" he asked as he began to get dressed, grunting at the tough leathers that kept him alive. "I'm taking it that you'll be joining them."
"...Yeah."
Sliding his weapons across his back, he saw her, still sitting at the bed, and sat beside her, bumping her shoulder with his. "Don't look so sad," he tried comforting
"You'll be finding a place to stay for the winter, right?"
"Don't worry about me, love." Gently placing a hand against her cheek, he smiled. "You won't miss my ugly face in the morning."
"Eskel!" She narrowed her eyes as he chuckled, knowing she hated it when he spoke about himself as such. "You know that's not true."
"...You'll be fine, okay?" Kissing her forehead, he stood up, grabbing his pack. "I'll see you soon. These months will fly by."
Triss followed Eskel to the door, bringing him down for a kiss as she whispered against his lips, her eyes bright with pain and confusion. "Promise?"
"Promise."
End of chapter one
A/N: Please ignore any errors, I just couldn't get this pairing out of my mind. I just finished the video game (five years late, I know) and I was on Tumblr only to see a post about how the witcher novels hint at something between Eskel and Triss, and Andrzej Sapkowski even wrote a non-canon story about them as a couple.
So that's that.
Please leave a review if you enjoyed the story.