Chapter 117: Melt down

When I woke up, I still felt tired. When I looked at my clock, I figure out why. I woke up slightly early again. If mom and dad are still in bed, I'll get myself some juice. When I opened my door, it turned out my parents were up. Guess that juice will have to wait. They're hugging and kissing in the kitchen. Just when I was about to turn around and close my door, dad saw me. Before I could continue on with my motion, he singled me to sit at the table. Weird. Doesn't he want to continue having him and mom time? Oh well.

When I do sit down, dad also sits. Why do I feel like I'm missing something? Oh yeah, juice. I got off of my seat, and when in search for, hopefully still there, orange juice. Thank Dende! There was still some left. I poured myself some, and also poured for mom and dad. When I sat back down, is when I notice that they were looking at me. "What?" They shook their heads and said it was nothing. Weird. Well, thanks to me in search of juice, my morning routine will have to wait. I take a quick look over at mom, and looks like breakfast might take a minute. Guess my routine doesn't have to wait for too long. I did stretch before I opened my door. All that's left is doing my morning workout and meditation. Thankfully I was able to before I went with dad.

As we flew, I was enjoying the way the wind blew in my face, and through my hair. When we landed, is when I noticed dad was in his gi, and not his work clothes. "I'm leaving soon, but I wanted to have a moment with you first." Oh, that explains it. I asked him what was up. "Well, for starters, did your mom make you get your hair cut or did you ask for it?" Why was that his first question? I told him mom made me get it. "Do you like it?" Uh?

"It's ok, I guess. I don't mind it." Goten. I looked at dad, and he looked serious. "What am I supposed to say? Yes, no, maybe? Mom always cut my hair like this. I just got used to it. So, I really don't mind it." But do you like it? What was with the question? Well, it's dad. I could tell him anything. "Well, I don't mind it, but I don't like it either." That put a smile on dad's face. Well, since we're here and talking, might as well. "I also don't like how everyone compares me to you. I'm not you, and it bugs me when people tell how much I remind them of you. Sometimes even mom and Gohan does it, but I know they don't mean it. But it still hurts. I'm getting tired of people looking at me, and they only see you." That's when I realized I had started crying.

I then felt dad ruffling my hair. "You're not me, you're Goten. If it wasn't for the hair, you'll look nothing like me." When I looked at dad, he was smiling, but his eyes looked sad. "How bout this. When I come back, I'll take you to get a haircut that you want. Sound like a plan?" I nod my head and said yeah. "Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"Can you help me with my own training? I don't want continue feeling weak, and that I have to always rely on you. Mom and Gohan always telling me how you always keeping everyone else safe. But dad." I looked up at him. "Who do you turn to when you feel scared, and want to feel safe?" He looked really sad for a moment, before hugging me.

"That person died a long time ago." I hugged dad tighter. "Besides, I don't mind keeping everyone else safe. If you all are safe, then I did my job right."

"Dad stop." He looked at me confused, as I held his face in my hands. "Dad, it's ok. Mom is right about you just being one person. I will get stronger, so you don't have to worry so much. Dad, you're so strong, but even I know that you're always hurting. Please dad. Stop trying to do everything. You, and mom, do so much." He then gave me his brightest smile.

"When did you get so smart?" He started ruffling me hair, and we started laughing. "You sure you that's what you want to do?" I said yeah. "Well then. Every chance we get I'll train you, and teach you new things. But promise me something."

"Yeah, dad, anything."

"Don't stop being you."

"I promise." With that, he said he had to go off for now. He instant transmission us to mom, gave her a hug, and then was off. Today was a good day. I finally told dad how I was feeling, and it felt really good. Later that day, mom came into my room, asking me to try on my new gi. Same colors, and style of my old one, but this one had the under shirt built in. It was still short sleeve, so that was nice. Also, my obi was still the black one, but it had a red stripe on it. "What does this mean, mom? Dad, and Gohan don't have stripes on their obi."

"Well, I thought, since you're on your own path you should get something that's only you." That made me happy. I gave mom a hug, and said thank you. "Oh." I looked up at her. "If you like, maybe I could make you a gi that's your own style."

"YES! Please mom! Please!"

She started giggling. "The funny part is that most of your tradition clothes can be worn for martial arts." I was in complete shock.

"So, you're telling me, this whole time we been wearing martial arts clothes as normal clothes?" She giggled even harder as she said yup. "Sneaky mom."

"How am I sneaky? I always loved how the clothes looked. And it means I was always ready for a fight." Then mom looked sad for a moment. "Besides, I always did want to have all of us train together. Like it would be a family thing, since me and your dad love martial arts. I might not love it as much as your father, but I still wanted it to be something we could all bond over." Mom. She started crying a bit, before looking back at me. "Well, in the end, I kind of got my dream come true. Not the way I hoped, but it happened."

"Mom." I just hugged her. "Would you train with me again?" She looked very happy with that, and said yes.

…

After rearranging my schedule, I had more free time for training. On top of that, I was even able to do most of my work at home. So, not only did I have more free time to train, but also to be with my girls. With that said, I gave Videl and Pan a hug, and told them I'll see them when I get back on Monday. I then headed off with Mr. Piccolo to find a place to train. Funny enough, it was the same island I trained as a kid. "Do I have to go over the basic again? Or you think you could handle yourself?"

"I got this!" With that we started sparring, that's when I realize something. He's stronger than me. Oh great! I definitely let myself go. During that whole spar, it felt like I was fighting an uphill battle. There's no way I could even get a hit on him. Not at this rate. Where did I go wrong? Even though, I rusted during the 7 years after dad passed away, I still kept up with some form of training. But now, now I pretty much dropped everything.

Wasn't I doing the right thing, by ending my training all together? Even when I moved to the city, to attend university, I still did some form of work out, during my free time. Even when Videl came over, I still did something. Then when I became a paid tutor, I settled for just using weights to make up for lack of training. And when Videl said she was pregnant, is when I just dropped everything. Along the way, I was so focus on doing everything else, I forgot a piece of myself.

I study so hard, because mom wanted me to be successful in life. Dad encourage me to have fun. But mom always won in the end. Till my life was thrown upside-down. I was kidnap, force to train and fight. Then I wanted to pay a debt. Soon, fighting was something I bonded with dad. Dad was always fighting, but he always made time for me. All he wanted was me to make my own path, and be happy. I am happy. I did follow my own path. Or, did I really? Being a scholar was my dream. But is that really all I ever wanted? When me and dad were in that room, there was something I saw, that I didn't understand. I was too focus on trying to get stronger with dad, I failed to realize something else. I thought I was following my own wants. Am I still following my own wants?

As I continued training with Piccolo. I start to realize how out of breath I'm getting. I even have to ask for a break. The fact he's letting me is a plus. During my break, I did the one thing I haven't done in years. I began to meditate. As I do so, I try to find myself. What exactly happened to me along my journey in life? Where did I go wrong? Did I go wrong? As I thought about it, there was something tugging at the back of my mind.

'Why bother. Not like you'll actually get anywhere. Let's just get back to being a good boy, and stay studying. Let's just play it safe. Let other people decide your fate.'

What in the world? Where did that voice come from?

'Stop trying to play hero. You'll never be strong enough. Go to your books, where you belong. Go back to pretending that nothing could ever hurt you, because daddy will always be there. Oh wait. Daddy left you. Daddy left because you weren't strong enough. All your friends died because you could never be strong enough. You baby. Just go back to your wife and daughter. Not like you could keep them safe anyway. You'll fail them, just like you fail everyone else.'

What is going on? It's becoming hard to breathe. Wait. Why do I see dad walking away from me? No. Wait for me dad. Daddy! I need you! Daddy!

"GOHAN! SNAP OUT OF IT!" I felt a sudden punch to my face. I had to blink a few times, to focus. I was even gasping for air. When did I stop breathing? I looked to Piccolo, and he had his usual angry face. "Are you ok?" Am I?

"I don't know." He then shakes his head, and says we should get back to training. As we continue, that voice keeps popping up. 'He's not taking you seriously. He knows you'll never be strong. He takes pity on you.' I don't know if I should believe them. There's no way Piccolo would pity me. No way he thinks I'll never be strong. But, is he really not taking me seriously? Am I holding him back? No! I felt my anger raising, as I tried harder. I was able to land a few hits, before he called it a day. "No. Let's continue. I'm not done yet."

"Gohan, that's it for now."

"I said." I went in to land another hit. "I'M NOT—" The world around went dark. When I came to, it took me a moment to realize I was home. I was on the couch, and a worry Videl looking at me. "What… what happen?"

"Piccolo had to knock you out. You just wouldn't stop. Gohan. Is everything ok?" I tried to sit up, only to be face with a huge headache. "I'll get you something for that. Please, stay laying down." I listened, and just laid there.

'She sure is nice, for someone who don't love you.' Now that, is a lie. Videl loves me. 'Maybe at one point, but not now. She's only with you because of Pan. But just think. Did she marry a strong husband? Or the weak, good for nothing that's laying on the couch?' Shut up! Videl married me because I'm me. 'But. Who are you?' Who am I? That night I couldn't sleep. I just kept asking that question over and over. Even when I went with Piccolo, the next day, that question still bugged me. Who am I?

…

After lunch, Goten wanted me to start training him. After we did our warm ups, and stretches, I told him to show me what he can do. "Even the super sayian thing?" I told him yes. He started with the kata I showed him, but they seem different. I asked him who showed him that. "Dad did. It when we went on a camping trip, of all us boys. Dad said some of these he learned in other world." Very impressive. I told him to continue.

As he did so, I randomly would attack him. He was able to dodge after the 3rd time. "Don't like your guard down, even around me. Always keep your guard up, and your senses sharp." He said ok, and continued practicing his kata. "Now I want you to do so as fast as possible."

"But mom, you won't be able to see."

"So." He looked confused, as I sat on the ground. "I'll use my other senses to see you." I closed my eyes. "Like my hearing, and how the wind feels around me. I might not be able to sense ki as good as you boys, but I know enough." I opened my eyes. He looked surprised at that, and then excited. He then said he's going to start. With that I closed my eyes again.

Thanks to my own trying, and some help from Goku, I was able to sense Goten's every move. I'm so proud of my baby. He was almost flawless, but I could tell his ki didn't flow with his movements. I might not be able to use ki the way my boys do, but that never stopped me before. Goku did help me hone it a bit more. I told Goten to stop. When I opened my eyes, he was in his super sayian form. I wouldn't have guess. I do have more to learn about ki, but do I want to. Not really. I know enough for what I do.

"Ok, Goten. Sit down, close your eyes, and watch mommy."

"Wait? Shouldn't I have my eyes open to watch you?"

"What did I do?"

"Oh. Ok." Once he sat down, and closed his eyes, I started to site myself up. Let's see if I could still do this. The fact I was able to sense a little ki should be proof enough, I could. But using it this way, again, still takes a lot of work. After taking a few deep breaths, I started my kata. With each movement, I tried my best to keep my ki focus on my center. After a while of going through the motions, it became easy again. I then tried going faster. The moment I thought I did enough, I stopped. I took a deep breath, and told Goten to open his eyes. "Wow mom! That was amazing! How you do that?"

"Do what, Goten?"

"Even though I know you were moving around a lot, I couldn't tell what moves you were doing. All I could tell was that you were going to the sides, and up and down. But I couldn't tell if you threw a punch or a kick. How you do that?"

"Oh. So, that's how you see it?" He nod his head. "I centered my ki." He looked at me in amazement, and asked how I did that. "Lots of practice. It took me years to even get the concept of ki. And more to even use it. But once I was able to use it while trained, I tried better controlling it. Now that I think about it, your dad probably would have hurt me really bad, when we fought in the tournament."

"What you mean, mom?"

"Well, after I told him he had to beat me, to find out my name, he was going to attack me. So, to ready myself for anything, I channeled my ki around my body." I started to laugh a bit at the memory. "He punched the air, so hard, the force knock me out the ring. It really hurt. But if I didn't try to prepare myself for the worst, I might have really been hurt."

"Mom." I looked at Goten. He had a concern face. "Are you sure you're human?"

"Of course, I am. What make you think otherwise?"

"You're so strong. Even able to go toe to toe with dad. Even able to break through a mountain."

"But what about Krillin, Yamcha, and Master Roshi? They're human, and they're stronger than me."

"But mom! There's no way they can measure up to your strength. Plus, they had very skilled teachers. You didn't. you learn second hand, and you taught yourself. That makes you way stronger than any normal human." I couldn't help smile at that. We soon called it a day. As I made dinner, Goten was meditating in the den.

…

Another weekend training with Mr. Piccolo, and I still feel stuck. It's like I'm not making any progress. And to top it off, that voice is still bugging me. Still making me question the very people around me. Still making feel doubt in myself. Slowly I'm starting to believe it. As I sat on the couch, I couldn't help watch Videl cooking in the kitchen. 'You sure she loves you, now? Besides, when was the last time you two had sex?' Why is it asking that? But really, when was the last time I was intimate with Videl? Maybe a few days before I found out about Pan? 'Why did you stop?" I didn't want to hurt Videl, or the baby.

'For someone so smart, you sure are stupid.' Hey! 'Admit it. You wouldn't have hurt her. You just didn't want her to do those things for you. Even when doing sex, you let someone else control you. You take no control for yourself. Pathetic. I'm surprise she's still with you, after so long. I bet she feels unloved, and unwanted.' That's not true. Videl knows I love her. She knows I want her. 'So, why don't you go fuck her?' Shut up! I can't do that right now. She's busy. 'Then what about, after dinner?' I have a report to work on. 'Oh. How about during bedtime? You'll get plenty of time then.' But she'll be tired. She deserves her rest. 'Excuses, excuses. Now it's clear. You're the one who doesn't love Videl anymore. You don't even want to fuck her. You rather she makes the first move. You pathetic child. You're not a man. You're just a child. A pathetic, coward of a child.' Shut up! That's not true! 'Oh. So, who are you?' There's that question again. And there goings another week of not being able to sleep.

When the weekend came again, I felt drain and exhausted. But I have to push myself, and get past this. When I met up with Piccolo, he looked surprise. "Go home. You're in no condition to train today."

"What are you talking about? I'm perfectly fine."

"Then punch my hand, and I'll be the judge of that." I tried to, but I almost collapsed. What is wrong with me? "Go home." I felt too weak to fly, and I think he could tell. He flew me home, since I had passed out. When I came to, a worry Videl was hovering over me. I felt too ashamed to even look at her, so I turned away. I heard she left, and was doing something. Within an hour Hercule came. All I could tell was that he was taking Pan for the weekend. No! Pan is supposed to be home, with me and Videl! I need to always be sure my baby girl is always safe! 'Oh, shut up. You're weak, and a good for nothing. They probably finally realize you're no good to be her protector. Pathetic. Even your own daughter can't count on you. She'll be counting on her grandpa, Goku, and Piccolo to always keep her safe. Not her weak, pathetic father.'

I felt my rage building up, and I felt my body moving. But I didn't know what I was doing. "GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER!" I heard the words, but I'm not to sure it was me.

"Gohan calm down. It's only for two days." Whoever was speaking, I didn't believe them. They're taking my Pan away from me. NO! I WON'T LET THEM DO THIS! SHE BELONGS WITH ME! SHE'S SAFER WITH ME! SHE'S MY DAUGHTER! All I could feel was an unimaginable rage take over me. I couldn't see or tell what I was doing. All I know, was that I was fuming, and I wanted my daughter to stay where she belongs. With me. I then felt a sharp pain to my neck, and everything went black.

When I came to, I saw Videl was crying over me. "Where's Pan?" All my thoughts were about my daughter. I just couldn't focus on anything else.

"She's fine. But are you?" That didn't answer my question. I quickly sat up, and asked again. "She's with dad. She'll be home tomorrow. Gohan calm down! What's gotten into you lately?" As I looked at her, it felt like I was staring at a complete stranger.

"Who are you?" That person looked in complete shock and horror. She says she's Videl, my wife. Wife? "I don't have a wife. How is that possible? I'm only 9." This Videl started crying, and even hugged me. This felt weird. Why is this person hugging me? That's when I took note of my surroundings. "Where am I?" She says our home. "Where's mom?" I started to feel scared. "Where's dad? I want my dad."

"Your dad is training off world." I stopped hearing what she was saying. I remember now. Dad's dead. I watched him leave me. I watch him try to fix my failure. I couldn't stop myself from crying.

"Daddy I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. We're not going to be together again. DADDY!" This person then slaps me, and then pulls my arms. I try to get up, and follow. That's when I notice I'm taller than her. How is that possible? She walks us to a room, and turns on the lights. It's a bathroom. She makes me face a mirror, and I don't believe what I'm seeing. "Is that me?"

"Yes. Gohan." She then hugs me. "You're 22, you're married to me, and have a beautiful daughter, named Pan. Your dad been alive since you were 16. You have a kid brother, name Goten. A lot has happened. Are you ok?" I felt more tears sliding down my face, as I let the words sink in. I then hugged her, and cried harder. "It's ok now. I'm here. Don't worry."

I felt my whole-body shake, as I tried to speak. "Videl. I'm useless. I'm a coward. I could never be strong. I'm always failing. I'm pathetic. I'm weak. I should just disappear. Everything would be better if I just left." With that I stopped hugging her, and was making the motion to just go. But she held onto me tighter.

I could hear her crying. "Whoever told you that, lied. A coward wouldn't have done the things you've done. If you weren't strong than you would have failed a long time again. Everyone makes mistakes and fail, but that's how we grow. You're the strongest person I know. You're so brave, and take charge. You make me feel safe every time we hug. Without you I'll be nothing. You give me hope that I could overcome anything, because you overcame so much. If you could look any challenge in the eye, and not be intimidated, I know I could too. You encourage me every day with your strong will to continue moving forward." At that, I stopped moving and looked at her. I don't believe her. No way is any of that true. What she's saying is a complete lie. I started to cry again, as I felt a sharp pain in my chest.

"Don't lie to me. Everyone who told me that I failed them. There's no way any of that is true."

"If it's not true, then why do they try to make you see it. Everyone believes in you. Why don't you believe in yourself? You're so scared of failing, you failed to see what you're capable of. You let people doubts sink in. But why won't you listen to those who actually believe in you? Because they're the ones who really see you. They see what you're actually capable of. They know how amazing you are."

"I don't know who got into your head that you're not strong enough. But you're way stronger than what you believe to be."

I don't know what just happened, but I had to blink a bit to refocus my eye sight. Why was I in the bathroom? Wasn't I meeting Mr. Piccolo to train? Uh? Why is Videl crying? "Videl?" She looked up at me, with her tear stain face.

"Gohan? Are you back?"

"Where did I go? And why are we in the bathroom?"

She then had a huge smile, as she hugged me tighter. "Sweety! You're back." I just felt more confused, as I hugged her. "Are you hungry? You haven't been yourself lately. Do want me to make your favorite?" At the mention of food my stomach did the loudest growl I have ever heard. We both laughed at that. "I guess that's a yes.