LIFE GOES ON

"I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light."-Helen Keller

September 2008

Joss quietly closed her bedroom door. This was her life now. Walking on eggshells and praying like hell he'd sleep through the night. Paul was blasted. Not for the first time. Life after the military wasn't being easy for her. Instinctively she touched her stomach where the gruesome scar crossed much of her stomach/abdomen area that was still red and angry even four years later. She was alive and she was grateful for even that. It humbled her to know the Marine escorting her paid the ultimate sacrifice by protecting her. With self-reflection, time, energy, and support from family and friends she came out of her ordeal relatively unscathed.

A shot of bitterness as she glanced at her bedroom speared through her. Her husband, however, wasn't one of the family members that had supported her. That had been her mama, a few cousins, and Paul's sister. Paul, the man himself, had been worried alright. Scared even, but he wasn't someone she could lean on for support. Early in her recovery she realized there was something definitely wrong with her husband that had come back from war. Paul Carter was not the same man she married. And no matter how bad it got, no thoughts of wanting more was allowed.

Until tonight.

Right now, right this instant, with her husband dead to the world, in a drunken stupor, she wanted more. More than what she had right now because what she had was a husband she wasn't even sure she was in love with. A husband she lost respect for with his lack of being a dad to their son. A husband she felt embarrassed to be with out in public with because she never knew who'd be with her; would it be the kind caring man he used to be, or the person that Paul became? Then there were the bursts of extreme fits of anger making him break things, shout and scream, and scare not only her but their son. Her marriage was slipping through her fingers. And with each new sip of alcohol he took the wider the chasm between them grew, and the harder it was to even care to save their marriage from shattering to pieces.

Soon, she'd need to make a decision. Putting it off any longer wasn't an option no matter. Separation didn't mean divorce, maybe it would wake him up. It just hurt because there were moments when he, the man she married, was back again; in the mornings after when he apologized, and promised to be a better man, a better father. Damned her but she hoped and prayed it would be the truth, but then the next bottle came and followed quickly with another, and soon he was slurring and making her treat him as a child rather than her husband. And then it was her fault. She didn't understand. She wasn't on the front lines like he was. And when Joss pushed him to go to the VA she was met with skepticism and borderline hostility. She hated when he drew comparisons between them, pointing out how she didn't go. But she hadn't needed to. Joss had her family and John, who was all she needed. She healed; Paul didn't even want to bother. He preferred to use his pain as a crutch to drink and not care, give him excuse for his random outbursts because admitting he needed help was acknowledging he had a problem.

Maybe she should cancel, claim Taylor was sick. No one knew about how bad things were with Paul. Paul typically behaved himself in front of others. He just saved the selfish asshole for her and their son. John moved back to New York finally and they had been invited to the housewarming party. It would also mark the occasion of meeting his wife, Jessica, who he eloped with a few years ago. She refused to even acknowledge the emotion in her chest she felt at the thought of him being married. Joss was happy for him. Their conversations had gone from the merits of pepperoni on pizzas to whether or not bugs had feelings as kids to finer things like talking about periods and his first time in the back of a car as young adults, to careers and their families as adults. Nothing was off limits with John and that was something she always valued, and forever would. At least one fact remained the same; they truly were going to be friends forever.

With that thought in mind she decided she was going to leave her husband home alone, and go out to the party herself. Thank god, Taylor was with grandma because her only option would have been to take him to the party too, and he would have been bored out of his mind with all adults.

Joss headed downstairs in their brownstone and scribbled a note to Paul just in case he managed to get even a little bit sober to comprehend what was written, and then left without another sound. It took about thirty minutes to get to the new home that was between New Rochelle, where apparently Jessica's parents lived, and Manhattan.

Drawing in a big breath, she climbed out of her car and headed up to the cute little two-story house on a cul-de-sac. The warm late summer breeze billowed and her yellow sundress fluttered up against the backs of her thighs. Her eyes sought out the setting sun and found the orange/pink sky beautiful. She heard laughter coming from the back and could see smoke and smell the barbecue going.

She approached the front door slowly wondering why she felt slight apprehension. Sure, this was the first time they had seen each other face-to-face after their kiss but that was no reason to feel wary. They both agreed that kiss was a mistake. And it was supposed to be forgotten, her head reminded. Their letters and phone calls hadn't been awkward since then but that didn't mean this first meeting up again wouldn't be. That kiss still curled her toes when she allowed herself the chance to remember it.

Joss knocked and waited patiently and then the door opened and a pretty blonde opened the door. "Hi," she said questioningly.

Joss smiled releasing her tension. "You must be Jessica, I'm Joss," she greeted as she held out her hand.

A spark of recognition glowed in her eyes and Jessica smiled in return. "Joss! John's best friend I've heard everything about," Jessica exclaimed as she stepped back to allow her to enter.

"I can guarantee it's not half as great as the things I've heard about you," Joss replied smoothly. Although, come to think of it John didn't speak much about his wife. But then she made sure she didn't talk to John about Paul. However, Jessica beamed at her small white lie.

She heard footsteps and then John's warm low voice asking who was there before she finally saw John as he appeared. Her pulse raced and her heart thumped wildly. It had been another ten years since she saw him. And he looked even better if that was even possible. John was aging better than wine. He was still sexy but had a few grays making their presence known at his temples.

A wide smile graced his mouth. "Joss, I'm glad you made it. We need to stop making seeing each other a decade occasion," he said quietly. His voice rolled over her in a sensual wave. It shouldn't, but it did. Okay, so the attraction between them was very much still alive even after years apart.

"That stops now that you are back in New York," she promised, knowing staying away from him would be next to impossible. He was her best friend and she'd been waiting decades for them to live on the same side of the country, to see him all the time again. Nothing could come between them, not distance, spouses, or a pesky ill-advised attraction neither wanted.

He pulled her into a long hug and she couldn't help but inhale him. Stupidly she felt like she was taking her first breath of air in a long time. He smelled so fresh, spicy and male, and no stale scent of beer clung to him either. After one moment too long Joss finally parted from their hug and noticed an odd look on Jessica's face.

John stepped back and slid his hands into his jeans pockets. "Where's Paul? I was looking forward to meeting him in person to put a face to the man I talk to on the phone whenever he answers it."

She nearly forgot they never formally met one another yet. Probably for the best since her marriage was taking a nosedive over a cliff. "He wasn't feeling well," Joss said warily. Then added, "Paul's sleeping it off." which wasn't a lie and made her feel mostly better for the little lie she just told John. "So you just get me."

John smiled and slung an arm over her shoulders and pulled her with him. "You're all I need. Let me show you around."

They chatted as he showed her his home with Jessica following them around and offering her pointless commentary on her design choices. Selfishly Joss wanted John all to herself but knew that was impossible now that he was married. She'd have to share him. John led her downstairs and Joss nodded her approval at the pool table.

"Your design choice, right?" she teased trying hard to include Jessica but found her attention solely on John. Standing with him, she couldn't seem to get a handle on how utterly good looking he was.

He laughed. "True. I let Jessica choose whatever she wanted as long as I could put a pool table in our basement."

Joss grinned up at him. "I hope later tonight I get a chance to beat you."

"Can't wait to see you try. Last time we played, I put you to shame," John said with a sparkle of mischief in his eyes that made them seem like a clear sky.

Joss huffed. "That was a million years ago! I was eight years old and had to use a chair to see the table," she reminded.

"You still lost," John boasted.

She playfully punched him. "Tonight, you better put your money where your mouth is." His eyes fell to her lips and like that she felt like she was slugged in the gut.

"So, John, honey, I think we should go back upstairs," Jessica announced. Joss jumped having forgotten she was even with them. Judging from John's own surprise he had too.

They headed up without another word and Jessica dragged John off to a group of her friends from work to introduce him to them all, which was all the same since it gave her a chance to calm her erratic heartbeat. Joss watched the interaction from afar and it seemed like Jessica enjoyed her friends' reactions when they met John. If they were kids she could almost hear Jessica saying 'look what I have'. Shaking her head she walked away.

Joss sat down on the couch next to a pretty redhead who was alone and just watching the party. John had said dinner would be in twenty or so minutes that the burgers and hotdogs were being barbecued by a friend.

The redhead turned to face her and an inviting smile claimed her lips. "Hi, I'm Grace," she introduced herself.

"I'm Joss," she returned. "Do you know John or Jessica or both?"

"John. My husband and John became friends on a chance meeting some years ago, and I adore him to pieces. His wife…well, I'm trying to get used to her," Grace said with a small smile.

Joss liked Grace already. She hadn't really liked Jessica nor disliked her. Jessica seemed nice enough but she had expected more for John. Maybe it was because she was his best friend and he'd feel the same way about her husband.

"She isn't what I expected for John," she admitted wryly.

Grace nodded. "Jessica is nice enough but John deserves more than nice. He only should have the best," Joss blinked at how vehement Grace was about it. She seemed to realize it too. "I'm sorry, I sounded mean. But I care deeply about John. He saved Harold's life. My husband had gotten into a car accident. John witnessed it and managed to pull my husband from the car before it went up in flames."

Joss felt her eyes grow wide. John never told her about that!

"Now John's a staple in our family, Harold and John are the best of friends which helps since Harold lost his best friend to a ferry crash."

"Oh, I remember hearing about that ferry crash on the news. I'm sorry for your loss."

"Yes, we still miss Nathan," Grace said sadly. Then she forced herself to brighten. "So what about you? Judging from your comment on Jessica, how do you know John?"

"We've been friends forever…."

It was Grace's turn for her eyes to widen. "Wait a minute. You're Joss!" she exclaimed with a large happy grin. "It's so great to finally meet you. I mean I feel like I know you with everything John has told us over the few years that we've known him, which has been nothing but good things."

"Glad to know he's trained well," Joss teased. Grace laughed.

They talked and sat together on the couch eating their dinner. She met Harold Finch who was a sweet older man with a limp. Joss didn't need to be told that these people had money because their clothes gave them away but you'd never know it by their personalities, so very down to Earth. And while she was having a nice time she couldn't wait until later when she got John alone.

It was when she went into the kitchen to grab a glass of champagne when she re-met up with John's wife, Jessica. She stood with several other ladies and Jessica smiled invitingly. Maybe Joss imagined the awkwardness between them.

"John says you two have been friends since just kids," Jessica commented as she sipped the champagne.

A friend of Jessica's turned to look at her with wide eyes. "How did you manage to keep your hands off him? I mean Jessica's husband is gorgeous."

"We were friends," she said lamely. "Our relationship is strictly platonic." Except that one time, a pesky internal voice whispered. That voice was ignored.

"You two seem close," Jessica commented.

Joss didn't know how to respond at first. But Jessica seemed to be making an innocent remark so she took it that way. She shrugged. "He's been my best friend through the best of times and the worst of times. I can't imagine life without him."

A woman tapped Jessica's arm. "Jessie, I was going to show you my wedding photos." she said, dismissing Joss. Jessica mouthed 'I'm sorry' which Joss smiled at and then took her leave feeling grateful to the rude woman. Joss was feeling a bit self-conscious like she had a big flashing light screaming that she was attracted to John.

She wandered downstairs and found it nearly empty, except John, who was sitting on the pool table and was looking down. "Hiding out, I see," she joked as she approached him. John looked up and smiled a little. "What's wrong?" sensing John was in brood mode.

He shrugged. "Just needed some space and some quiet," he admitted as he hopped off the pool table.

Then it dawned on her. "Oh god, John, today your dad passed away, what twenty-some odd years ago."

"Twenty-seven," he admitted quietly. "I just wanted a minute alone."

She nodded her head at the stairs. "I can take a hike," she offered.

John reached a hand out. "I meant alone from others. Not you," he clarified.

Joss walked over to him just as he stood. She ignored his hand and hugged him instead. "Your dad was amazing. And was a bonafide hero in every sense of the word."

"I know," he murmured as he embraced her.

"And he'd be so damned proud of you, same with your mom. Both would have loved Jessica," she assured sincerely, and rubbed his back before pulling out of the hug.

John watched her before averting his gaze while clearing his throat. "I've missed you, Joss,"he said softly. She smiled. "Every day after I learned about what happened to you in Fallujah was hell. I was so scared for you and all I could do was call you or write you, which didn't seem nearly enough."

"It was. Hearing your voice or reading your words was the escape I needed, the support I leaned on," she said gently. "I swear you'll never know how much I needed that." It was the truth, and while she would have loved to have him there in person for her during her recovery that hadn't been an option. He had been deployed trying to survive and she wanted him to focus on that.

"I had an opportunity for a promotion in the Army but chose to get out for two reasons: one of which was because Jessica wanted to move closer to family. The other reason was you. I wanted to be closer to you, Joss."

She stared at him unable to even breathe or think. Because if she thought than it would take her to a place she wouldn't be able to come back from. But breathe, well she was human and had to, she just couldn't breathe him in. They were friends, damn it.

"I'm glad. I want you to see Taylor. He's gotten so big. And we should get together just you, me, your wife, and Paul." she said forcing herself to include their spouses. She had no idea what the future held for her and Paul but for now she'd pretend they had paradise.

"I'd like that," John murmured. Then the seriousness faded and mischief sparkled in his eyes as he nodded at the pool table. "Are you ready?"

She made a production of flipping her hair and fixing her dress. "I was born ready. Be prepared to be paying up big time!" she said competitively.

He eyed her speculatively. "I don't accept the form of Barbies as payment anymore."

She did the sign of a cross. "May my favorite Barbie rest in peace! I still can't believe you mowed over her."

"It was an accident. I forgot her in the backyard after my G.I. Joes tried a daring rescue attempt. I didn't see her in the grass." he muttered with a laugh. "And since I know you are out of a job and going back to school how about we play for picks."

Intrigued she eyed him. "Picks for what exactly?" she asked curiously.

"My or your restaurant, or movies, that sort of thing." he explained, as he racked up the pool balls.

She grabbed a pool stick and thought. "What about our spouses, do they have a choice?"

"When it's their turn yes, but when it's ours whoever won the most picks takes over."

"Oh, so when I win every game tonight that means every time it's your turn it's really my turn," she teased.

John grinned. "Right and wrong. Right that's what I mean but wrong that you're going to win."

"Bring it on, mama's boy," she teased.

"It's on, wimpy girl."

Now this felt familiar. Friendly rivalry, fun, being just two best friends as all the other less easy to deal with things like sexual tension, feelings for him, and confusion over it all faded. They joked, teased, and had a blast down away from the party, alone just the two of them…like always.

AN: Seriously, they don't get it LOL.

Thank you for reading!