WHAT WE ARE

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."-Misty Copeland

February 2011

Life sure had a way of going a complete different direction than one you had planned. Joss never once thought her military career would vanish before she was ready. But it had. It had gone up in smoke when she had almost died in Fallujah. Although, she had been able to achieve some of what she set out to do. She had become a Warrant Officer, first at Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan before being relocated to Iraq. Joss had done that until early 04' and served as Army Human Intelligence Collector and a top interrogator. It was just after her birthday when her military career veered off course when a Marine escorting her stepped on a landmine turning him into dust and had shrapnel tearing her stomach apart.

Following her medical discharge she went back to school and became a lawyer. It gave her time to be a mother to her son who she loved more than life. And time to fix her dying marriage. Yet, another thing she never thought she'd be…a divorced single mom with an ex-husband that didn't want to help himself and hadn't seen his son in nearly a year. But then maybe her marriage being over wasn't really all that surprising since it felt like she was trying to save their marriage from the very beginning.

She quietly reflected as she sat on a hard chair listening to the quiet noise around her. This week felt somber at best. Katherine Winslow, someone who loved John like a second mom, and had always been sweet and kind to her, had passed away after a hard fought battle with cancer. She was an exceedingly wealthy woman after selling her business she built from nothing. Katherine was a well-respected business magnate and philanthropist. Her funeral had been a public viewing and big wigs from all parts of the country had come. John had been her only adopted family, there being she never married and never had any children of her own.

It had been nearly three years now that he moved back to New York. John traded a military career to something equally as important; he was now an HRT, hostage rescue team, agent. Two years he spent as a field agent for the FBI before being recruited into the hostage rescue team, where he'd been for the last several months. She couldn't be prouder of him. He was utilizing his skills from the Special Forces to serve and protect everyday civilians. But she reveled in the time they got to spend together now. They'd go out together to eat and talk, he supported her through her divorce, or they'd hang out at each other's house and watch a movie or have a game night. It was fun and like old times. Of course, she had to share him with Jessica and that was okay since she was his wife. And sometimes their attraction got too hot to ignore and she hide out from it a little while just for it to simmer back down to a comfortable level, but John never knew that. Joss would always lie and say she was hard at work on a case for a client. He didn't need to know the truth because their friendship meant the world to her.

She looked at John as they sat together in the restaurant where the wake was being held and couldn't help but appreciate the fine male specimen he was. Today he was wearing a black suit but the poor tie was looking a bit haggard as he had tugged at it with clear agitation. John hated ties. Joss loved how he looked in the suit though. And John rocked the salt n' pepper hairdo honestly. His eyes met hers and her heart fluttered. It was the same flutter she felt back when they first re-met up. Joss still was unnerved by it but ignored it as she smiled his way in comfort.

John returned her smile gently before looking away. His pulse sped up and with it came the familiar pang of guilt and anger; guilt and anger that he was attracted to his best friend. It had been so easy when he thought of her as a kid with pigtails or braids. That one kiss they shared had been a monumental mistake.

In his early twenties searching for a lasting relationship hadn't been on the agenda. His military career was first and any woman he met they'd have fun for a night or weekend but not much else. Then he outgrew that lifestyle and wanted something more than the occasional fling. But finding the right woman to share a deeper connection with had been far more difficult to find than a bed partner. Then after that passionate kiss with his married best friend it became imperative that he'd meet a woman. Because his desire to be attached to a woman in a substantial way had to be the reason why that kiss happened. John had refused to contemplate that he was attracted to his best friend. So he allowed his colleagues to set him up on an absurd amount of blind dates just to find a woman that made him think less about Joss. And that's when he met Jessica.

Now he knew better, knew it was what he hadn't wanted to face. But that didn't make it any better. John pushed those thoughts out of his head. Their attraction was a subject that neither discussed. He was sitting at Katherine Winslow's wake supposed to be celebrating her life and all he was thinking about things he shouldn't be. Katherine didn't have family and her entire fortune was going to charities since she had no children of her own.

The funeral and wake had been paid for by her. Lots of big wigs were there that she rubbed elbows with. John felt a little out of place. Joss fit in, like always. She wore a modest black dress and her hair was down, and it was a bit longer as it rested past her shoulders. Conversation was loud as men and women conversed. Some were finishing their meals they were given. John hadn't much of an appetite. While he knew Katherine would have wanted him smiling and having a good time telling tales about her hijinks with his parents, he couldn't find it in him. John loved her as much as he had loved his parents, and now she was gone just like they were.

He felt a bump on his shoulder. His eyes sought out Joss's. She nodded for the door. "We can bail. Katherine wouldn't mind," she suggested gently.

John nodded his agreement. They stood from their table and expressed their farewells to the others that shared it with them, and walked to the concierge to receive their coats. After a moment they exited the loud restaurant and out into the chilly February afternoon. Light snow fell as they walked side by side towards their cars.

"Thanks for coming," he said finally. "Katherine was fond of you."

"As I her," she murmured. They walked together in comfortable ease. "I might be nosing in but can I ask: where's Jessica? I didn't see her last night at the funeral home and again she was a no-show today at the viewing and wake. Did she have to work?"

Her innocent question knifed through him. She waited and waited for him to say something. They approached her car and she turned to face him fully. John knew she was waiting for him to tell her what was wrong. He didn't know how.

"Call me later and we can talk," she offered. The wind blew hard, the chill just going right through her coat and she shivered, but she waited anyway. This had to be a tough week. He lost the last person in his family. He had some cousins but none he was close too. And his Aunt Mel died five years ago.

"Yea…."

She frowned. John was off, quieter than usual, and she had a feeling there was more to it than just Katherine's passing. Joss reached out and touched his arm and saw a flash of something in his expressive eyes before it was gone. She discreetly removed her hand. "What's going on, John?" she asked.

He looked like he wasn't going to answer her but then closed his eyes. "Are you free tomorrow?" he asked quietly.

"I'm not doing anything after work so you could…"

"I meant do you have any time free tomorrow at work." he interrupted. Joss watched him as he opened his eyes and met her gaze. "I need a consultation with a good divorce lawyer."

Her mouth dropped open. "You're divorcing Jessica!" she exclaimed.

"She served me papers yesterday."

Joss flung her arms around his neck and hugged him hard. She held him. "I'm so sorry, John," she said sympathetically in his ear. Joss knew it didn't help. Knew it didn't make you feel any less than a failure but it was all she could say. She knew how it felt to lose your marriage. After a moment she pulled back. "What happened?" she asked as she rested her hip against her car.

"I don't have a damned clue. One minute everything was great and then it wasn't. Everything snowballed so quickly."

Joss knew there were problems between the two. About eight months ago John had crashed at her place when they had a mother of all fight and confided in her about why. John wanted kids and Jessica wanted to wait. After a few days apart they agreed to shelf talk about kids for the future. But she couldn't help but wonder if that major sticking point was the beginning of the end of their marriage. John wanted something that Jessica didn't.

He sighed. "Some of it had to do with the fact that I joined the hostage rescue team," he admitted quietly.

That got her. "Why? You are doing something worthwhile. She's a nurse and helping people. You're going in dangerous situations and helping people."

"When we moved here and I got the job as a field agent for the FBI she had been happy that I worked in New York. But in the HRT there are cases that require travel," he muttered.

"It's not that often. You've been with the unit for several months now and were gone once for a rescue in Texas!"

He looked wary. "It was her birthday weekend and she had big plans for us."

"My god, it was for a job that was worth it. It wasn't like you were going to a game with the boys!" she exclaimed outraged.

"I didn't consult her about joining the HRT and we had a fight then. And then we fought about children, and…other stuff," he ended lamely. He couldn't tell her that they fought a lot about his friendship with her. He just couldn't. "Three weeks ago we fought the same fight we've been fighting about for what seems like forever. She asked me to leave and so I did. I've been staying at Harold's since. We barely talk, we text mostly, and then yesterday I was served with divorce papers."

Joss tried to swallow back her anger. Grace had been right back when she first met the woman. Jessica didn't deserve John. But that wasn't what he was going to want to hear at the moment, maybe in time but not now. "I am sorry John," Joss said.

"I don't know what to do, Joss. There's nothing to fix this."

"Just take it one day at a time, John, that's all you can do. And of course, I'll help you through this. Only thing you need to pay is to retain me, the rest is pro-bono." she said, with finality. John had been there so many times in her life, this was her chance to be there for him in return. And she wasn't about to be paid for it.

A tiny smile twitched on his lips. John looked tired, like trying to salvage his marriage had taken a toll on him. "I can afford an attorney, Joss."

"Fine, you can buy me dinner," she offered. "Hey, I know what would make you feel better."

"And that is?"

"Come over tonight and we'll watch the game and eat my entire carton of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Trust me, everything feels better after that," she replied. It helped her. But then she had to hit the gym to work off the extra weight she gained.

"Is that the ultimate breakup ice cream?"

"Yup," she answered readily. He laughed and Joss felt a wave of joy wash over her. After losing Katherine he had been withdrawn. John loved Mrs. Winslow so much and lost her. Now he was losing his wife, maybe he had lost her months ago, but now it was a reality.

John drew in a big breath as the smile faded. "I never thought I'd be here at this point of my life, Joss," he admitted pensively.

"Neither did I, once upon a time Paul and I were happy too. Life just happens, John. People drift apart. It sucks but it happens," she soothed, hating to see him so unhappy.

"But why does that happen? I took my vows seriously. I was committed to making it work."

She shrugged. Sadly she didn't have a real answer. It was the same question she asked herself many times. "Unfortunately, I don't know why it happens. Marriage requires compromise, commitment, and work…hard work," she replied softly. "Maybe it's an answer we'll never know."

"How did you get through it?"

Now this was tricky. She couldn't answer in any way but honestly. "It takes time. But I didn't have it so bad because our situations are different. Paul became someone else, someone I didn't love."

He nodded, as he swallowed hard. "Yea, you're right. Our situations were different because you married for love," he acknowledged unable to meet her gaze. He watched the snowflakes collect on the ground.

The implication sunk in. "John, what the hell were you thinking at marrying a woman you didn't love?!" she demanded incredulously. No wonder their marriage ended miserably. She had wondered about the timing of it. He hadn't dated her very long before they had eloped and she had quietly thought it was too soon. And now John was telling her he had been head over heels in lust with his wife when he decided to ask her to marry him.

"It doesn't matter, Joss. I did love her, it just took a little longer into our marriage to get there," he bit out, angrily.

"No, what other possible reason could you have had to marry someone you weren't in love with?"

"I married her to forget you." he snapped, then froze. The angry confession hung in the air between them. Her breath caught. John looked tense but honestly resided in his eyes. His nose and cheeks were ruddy from the cold, but she didn't feel anything but heat. It radiated between them, like it always did. "Joss, I couldn't stop thinking about you. You were my friend and married, and I wanted you. And then I met Jessica and she made me think about you a little less. I was hoping being married would get rid of these feelings I didn't want to have for you. And it worked."

Why, oh god, why did her heart break at the thought he didn't still have feelings for her. It was for the best. She didn't harbor feelings for him. Yes you do, her heart whispered. No, no that was just attraction. It was nothing but physical. John was hot and she had a pair of working eyeballs. She didn't want him. He didn't want her.

"Good," she forced out, her voice sounded a bit weird even to her ears.

"Right." he responded. It didn't sound happy. "Joss, it only worked until I moved back to New York. Then we were spending time together again and…" he trailed off, looking helpless as he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. "Damn it Joss, I don't want to feel anything for you but friendship. I don't want this attraction I feel to you."

"Our friendship means everything to me too, John. We'll guard it, I promise. We survived time, distance, adolescence, and careers so I know our friendship can survive past this too."

"I can't lose you, Joss," he rasped.

"You won't," she rushed to reassure. "We're going to be friends forever." They'd gotten pretty good at ignoring this attraction for the last several years, what difference did another several decades make?

She wrapped her arms around him again and slowly felt his come around her too. "Friends forever," he whispered in agreement. But somehow this time around those words hit differently.

AN: I think I see smoke pluming as the burning grows ;D

Thank you for reading!