AN: This chapter has A LOT happening in it. My muse just wouldn't leave well enough alone with this one! Also I wanted this up yesterday but I was tired of cleaning my place. I'm trying to puppy proof it because in May I am going to start to look to adopt a beagle puppy. I miss my baby but I think I'm finally ready :)

YOU'RE MY CONSTANT

"Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud"-Maya Angelou

April 2012

John was grouchy and angry; grouchy because he was tired and angry because his body hurt and his life sucked. Well, it didn't suck. But it was a mess. He drew in a strangled breath as his knee hurt but he forced himself into a seated position on his bed. His conscience tugged at him for harassing the hospital staff into releasing him early. His doctors had wanted him to stay for another day or so. That simply didn't work for him. But he did owe the wonderful staff some donuts, cupcakes, and other apology pastries to make up for his bad temper.

With an impatient swipe for his crutches he stood on one foot and put the crutches at his armpits and hobbled over to his bathroom. He definitely needed to pee. Once relieved, and teeth brushed, he hobbled out and back into his bedroom needing to put something on. John definitely didn't streak around his place naked. Silently complaining the entire time pulling just a pair of loose pajama bottoms he hated on with a bum knee, he felt accomplished but then small victories were all he was going to have for the next six weeks of recovery after knee surgery. Next was just a soft blue tee and he was ready for the morning.

"Damn moron driver," he grumbled. But the alternative was worse. He'd take being hit by a car over the children who were crossing at the cross-walk. He would live and heal; those kids would have been killed. Thankfully, as he jumped into the way of the moving car to push the kids out of the way, the car had clipped his left leg shattering the kneecap. Luckily for the driver he had been in such agony he hadn't been able to get up and beat the son of a bitch to a pulp for nearly killing children. It was only after he awoke after surgery to repair his knee that he learned the driver had been arrested for driving drunk, he had been three times the legal limit.

Now being laid up just put focus on the fact that he was jobless, which was his fault. He quit the FBI just ten days ago, and was still receiving aggravating calls to come back. HRT didn't need him anymore. They'd go on without him. John had felt himself in danger of burning out. Nothing in his life had gone the way he expected. He thought at nearly forty-two years old, his birthday fast approaching, that he'd have a wife with a kid by now. John didn't have either. But perhaps quitting rashly wasn't such a good idea since he didn't have a new job lined up. Not that he needed too. John had a healthy savings to give him some time off to himself to figure some things out first.

He turned and grinned as he saw Bear's paws and the tip of his nose under the crack of the closed door. At least he had Bear, who he rescued just about six months ago. John, cursing as he went, hobbled to the door and managed to open it while keeping the crutches balanced under his arms. Bear immediately rose and wagged his tail happily at seeing his master.

"Morning, buddy, no morning jog today or tomorrow or for the next six weeks." he muttered as he bent at the waist and petted his furry friend. Bear actually whined in sadness. John straightened. "I know but it's not my fault. Complain to the drunken ass that nearly killed a group of kids. He's the reason we can't go running."

Bear growled his agreement. He let the intelligent animal lead the way as John brought up the rear, following slower to the stairs. John paused to tug the crutches out from under his arms and held them together as he hopped down the stairs on his good leg.

Once at the landing, crutches back in place, John hobbled to his spacious and well-lighted kitchen where Bear stood, at the back door, waiting for him patiently. He opened the door to let Bear rush out into the minuscule backyard which had been one of the only requirements he had in a new place. Thanks to Finch he had found one with so much more, and in the heart of Manhattan which was nearby his best friends. The two-story brownstone was updated and exactly what he needed. Living here amongst the city folk had been therapeutic after the demise of his marriage.

His landline rang but ignored because making coffee was much more needed. The machine picked up and he could hear a murmur off in the distance as he got the pot going. Instead of seeing who called, he hobbled over to the living room and turned his TV on. John's irritation grew as his name and face was splashed on the local news. Of course, news of school children nearly being run over was a big deal but he had been hoping to keep his name out of it. He didn't want recognition doing something anyone would. He wasn't some hero.

After getting his much needed coffee and letting Bear in after filling his dog bowls, he went to go see who called him. He was surprised by the fact he had several missed messages. He had gotten a new cellphone number during his divorce and only given the number to Joss, Taylor, Harold and Grace. Everyone else was forced to call his landline which he forgot to check.

John stabbed the 'play' button. "Hi John, this is Jessica…" John immediately hit the 'stop' button on the answering machine. He wasn't in the mood to find out what his ex-wife wanted. He skipped to the next message and sighed when it was Jessica again. He skipped to the next to hear a telemarketer and then skipped on again. "John, its Donnelly, call me back."

He made a face as the machine relayed the brief message. John picked the phone up and called him back wanting to get this over with. "Donnelly," Donnelly barked the moment he picked up.

"What do you want?" John asked in lieu of a greeting.

The other man was silent for a moment before finally speaking, "We heard about the heroic act you made to save some school kids."

"And? Donnelly I quit."

"But you are still a former FBI agent and we wanted to express our gratitude for what you did. You risked your life for theirs."

John hobbled back into the kitchen when his stomach rumbled. "Of course I would, they're children," he remarked.

"You would have done it for anyone no matter their age. It was why you made such a great agent, Reese."

John sighed. "Save the ass kissing, Donnelly. I'm sorry the bureau is having such a hard time handling this but I'm not coming back to the HRT."

"That's not why I'm calling," the man said quickly. "All we want is for you to train new recruits. That's it. And if you decide you want more the bureau would be only so happy to have you. I was told to offer you the moon if that's what it took to bring you back."

"I don't want the moon," he replied. Donnelly snorted. Joss Carter popped into John's mind and he quickly banished such a thought. "I quit for a reason. The bureau will go on without me."

"So there really isn't anything we can do to bring you back is there?"

"No, there really isn't," John assured swiftly. While he would forever value the work he did as an agent, he was done.

"Okay, I'll tell my bosses that. I respect your wishes, John. We better have a beer soon."

He smiled. Donnelly was a good guy. "We will. Talk to you later," he muttered and then hung up. But just as he did there was a knock on the door. John made a face. Since when had he become such a popular guy?

John slowly made it to the front door and opened it, freezing when his ex-wife stood on the other side and very pregnant.

She looked rather unsure of herself. "Hi John," Jessica said awkwardly. "I-uh, I heard on the news last night that you were the heroic stranger that saved those children and I wanted to see if you were okay but you weren't answering your phone so I looked up your new residence online." she rambled and looked pained to realize it.

"I'm okay, just got a bum knee." he replied feeling just as awkward. They hadn't seen each other since their divorce was finalized. It had been a rather easy divorce as he gave her the house under the condition of no alimony. She agreed. His eyes fell to her stomach. Pain so intense spread through him but he chose to ignore it. "You're pregnant, congratulations," he managed to say.

She smiled and nodded, her hand, with a large diamond ring on it, rubbed her belly affectionately. "It's a boy." her smile ended when her eyes dropped to his knee brace. "I'm just really glad you're okay, John."

He didn't feel okay. John hurt so badly but not from his injured knee. He wanted to know why she lied. Why she hadn't wanted children with him but was perfectly content to have them with Peter? Maybe she knew something he didn't. Maybe she knew he'd make a lousy father. Now it really didn't matter. He didn't see himself having children and that was the real pain he felt…to realize one dream would never come true.

"I am. Goodbye Jessica," he murmured gruffly, going to slide the door shut, needing to be alone.

"I still love you," she blurted out. He stilled as he stared at her in surprise. "I love Peter, I really do, but I still love you. I didn't even realize it until last night when your name was released as the hero. John, god, I thought my heart stopped when they said your condition was unknown."

John didn't know what to say. What were you supposed to say to your ex-wife's declaration of love when she was married to another man? He had loved her, truly he had. It might have taken him months into their marriage to fall but he had. However, that was then. Before he would have done anything to save his marriage. Now, he was truly over her and could honestly say that he wasn't in love with her anymore.

He shook his head. "Go home and forget you said this. You're married to Peter. You're pregnant with his child. Something you never wanted with me."

"I did too. I just wanted to wait."

"For what?" he questioned, coldly.

"To make sure our marriage would survive! I didn't want a broken home for my children. And you never once listened to me about Joss," Jessica argued.

There it was. Joss! John lost count how many times they had argued about his friendship with Joss, and how Jessica felt like Joss seemed to be more important to him than her. Now, divorced, they were still fighting about it and he was done. "She's my best friend, Jessica. I'm not in love with her!"

Jessica looked like he struck her. "I never once said that you were," she said quietly. John swallowed hard as he looked away. Awkward silence fell between them. Finally Jessica said, "I should go."

"I think that's best," he agreed tiredly.

Jessica went to leave but stopped and looked back at him. Instead of saying anything she merely turned and walked away. John slammed the door shut and knew without a doubt he would not be seeing his ex-wife anymore. He hobbled away from the door and decided he knew what he was going to do with himself today: get silly drunk.

Joss sat at her desk yawning. She had a busy day of court and a conference call. John liked to tease her that lawyers loved conference calls because whenever he called the office to talk to her, she was always on one. It was a necessary evil. Now as she finished up reading emails she was looking to getting out of the office. With a quick glance at her watch, seeing it was just after four, she realized it would be an early day.

Her mind wandered to after work and wondered if tonight her son had a basketball game or not?—she texted Taylor to find out. If there was she'd need to run home to change before getting a bite to eat. There was a pang of sadness because John probably wouldn't be able to make it with just getting out of the hospital.

Her heart still felt like it was lodged in her throat over what could have happened. Thankfully he was alright aside from that busted knee, and the children were safe. Last night she had helped take him home much to the dismay of his doctors. Joss had fussed and hovered as he refused her help up his stairs. John was very much a prideful man. If her boy didn't have a game she'd swing by his place and take him dessert just to coddle him a bit.

She sat back in her plush brown leather desk chair and checked texts to make sure her clients didn't have any issues. Relieved to see nothing happening in the turbulent lives of her near-to-be divorced clients she set her phone down.

Joss looked up when there was a light rap on her closed office door. "Come in," she called. Valerie, the young receptionist, stood there. Her long honeycomb hair hung over her shoulders and she had a distressed look on her pretty face. "What's wrong?"

"Mr. Benjamin Palmer is here and he insists on speaking with you."

Joss sighed inwardly. Of course he was here. This was not his first appearance since she helped her client, his ex-wife, get sole custody of their son. And also got the judge to agree to supervised visitations until Mr. Palmer completed anger management classes and was deemed safe to see his son alone.

"Let him in, Val, but if he doesn't leave within ten minutes then call security." she said. The young woman nodded and then disappeared leaving the door open but came back only matter of moments later with a very angry Benjamin Palmer following her. "Close the door, Valerie." she instructed when she went to leave without shutting the door. Joss knew the young girl was worried for her well-being but Joss wasn't about to let anyone intimidate her. Valerie nodded and closed the door but she didn't seem too happy about it.

Joss focused her ire on Mr. Palmer. "I asked you to not come back here, Mr. Palmer. The last time you showed up here you scared the receptionist and you scared her again. I will not tolerate this."

"You bitch! You think you own this world, don't you?"

"No, I don't. But I do own half this firm. My name along with my colleague's is on the door when you walked in, so when I told you to not come back I meant not to come back," she said calmly and slightly patronizing.

"You stole my son from me!"

She shook her head. "I did no such thing. You can't keep your temper under control and my client, your ex-wife, was scared to hell at leaving Nathan alone with you. All I did was show the judge that you've found yourself in legal trouble more than once with that temper of yours."

"You made me out to be some fucking villain! Yes, I was arrested a couple times at my son's football games but that's because the refs got the calls wrong."

Joss stood because he stepped closer to her desk and she didn't like allowing him any advantage. She crossed her arms over her chest and stared determinedly at him. "What about the fist fight in a bar because someone bumped into you? Was that so innocent?"

"I was drunk."

"That's my point exactly, Mr. Palmer. What happens when you're drunk and Nathan does something you don't like, what will you do then?"

"Are you saying I'd hit my son?"

"Can you say you won't?" she challenged. His jaw ticked but he couldn't answer which was answer enough. "Mr. Palmer, Leslie doesn't want to keep Nathan from you. She wants you and Nathan to have a relationship but she's scared. She's scared of your temper; it's why she divorced you in the first place."

"I never hit her!" he roared.

"I know that. But you were increasingly belligerent and drank harder and harder, which scared her. She had every right to separate and divorce you. And she has more than the right to keep you from seeing Nathan without someone else present," Joss snapped, finding her patience nearly gone with Benjamin Palmer. He was just like Paul except Paul was now trying which was a little late but better than never. She hoped the same could be said for this man.

He shoved a hand through his hair. "I love my son."

"Mr. Palmer, I know you love Nathan. But prove it, prove it by going to your anger management classes and get your temper under control. And if you can't get your drinking down then I'll be your sponsor for AA. I want you to have a relationship with your son. I do but only if it's safe for Nathan."

Palmer looked unhappy but nodded. "Fine, I'll go to the anger management classes. I can stop drinking myself," he stated, still angry but not downright hostile.

Joss wasn't so sure she believed his claim but didn't press the issue. "That's a good first step. Now just see it through, not for your sake but for Nathan's."

It wasn't until after Palmer left ten minutes later that she released the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. Joss had hoped that Palmer was going to try to be a better man for his son.

Valerie entered without knocking with Andrea Gutierrez, the other half-owner of the firm, rushed in. "Are you okay?" Andrea demanded.

She nodded. "I'm fine. I think I got through to Palmer."

"Thank god, I didn't really want to go Kung-Fu on that guy but growing up where I did, you learn a thing or two to protect yourself," Andrea muttered folding her arms under her breasts.

Joss laughed, not pointing out she knew how to down a man herself. She grabbed her phone when a text sounded. It was Taylor letting her know that there wasn't a game but Paul was picking him up after school so they could hang out. She knew Paul was trying to make up for lost time. Joss texted her son back, to be home by eleven.

"How about after we close we go have some drinks, I'll buy," Andrea offered.

Valerie nodded enthusiastically while Joss smiled apologetically. "I wish I could but I plan on heading over to John's and make sure he's okay."

Andrea grinned. "You mean your mega hot best friend who is incredibly single?—I do not blame you one bit on bailing out of a girls night for him."

"I get all tongue-tied when he comes to visit you." Valerie agreed as she tucked some hair behind her ear and her cheeks grew rosy. "I don't think I've ever seen someone so good looking in my life."

"John is single but we are just friends," she stated, for not the first time. It seemed Andrea didn't particularly listen when she insisted there wasn't anything remotely going on between them. Okay, maybe there was a simmering attraction but that was ignored. And neither she nor John talked about what he unexpectedly admitted when he told her he needed her as a divorce attorney. As far as she was concerned that conversation never happened.

Andrea frowned. "I can't even get a date using a dating website and you got a guy, one who is incredibly hot, and you friend-zoned him," Andrea good-naturedly grumbled.

"We've been friends forever," Joss pointed out.

"Sometimes friends make the best lovers." Valerie said quietly. Joss shot her a glare. Valerie shrugged. "I'm just saying. My older sister's husband was just a friend for like ten years and then they were going to have dinner with a third mutual friend, who never showed up, and they ate dinner alone together and realized they were attracted to each other. Sometimes it takes a while for the realization to catch up because you are just so comfortable with one another."

Joss forced a tight smile. "Yes, well, I'm sure that happens with people but sometimes a man and a woman can just be friends with each other." And to escape talking any more about it she gathered her things. "Do you mind if I skip out early, Andrea? I'd like to grab a bite to eat before going to check on John."

"Sure, you go ahead. Val and I will lock up."

Joss smiled her thanks, gathered her things and fled out the door, missing her friends' look.

It was just after six when she knocked on John's door. She was delightfully full from her chicken salad dinner with delicious bread from a local restaurant. Sometimes the best restaurants were the small ones that valued customers because they needed them to stay afloat. Not to mention they made the best chocolate eclairs and knew John would be ecstatic.

Joss waited patiently at the door knowing he'd have trouble with the crutches. The stubborn man hadn't wanted her to get some things for him to sleep on the couch downstairs.

Finally the door opened and the smile died on her face. John looked horrible…and drunk. "What's wrong?" she asked. Her eyes fell to his knee brace and then back up to his face. "Did you fall? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." the slowness to his words gave him away. He was drunk.

Joss pushed inside and slid the door closed. John didn't bother to stick around as he turned and silently hobbled to the living room with only the click of his crutches against the hardwood making any sound. She removed her light jacket resting it over his while balancing the box of eclairs in her other hand and then followed him where he disappeared too.

Bear perked up when he saw her and ran from his doggie bed in the corner of the room over to her. She bent to pet him and held out the doggie bone she brought him. Bear's eyes lit up and took it before running to his bed to gnaw on his treat. It simply hadn't been fair to bring John a treat and not Bear.

John sat on the couch with his bad knee up on the coffee table in front of him with beer bottles surrounding his foot. She thinned her lips. "Please tell me you haven't been drinking and taking pain pills," she admonished.

"I haven't."

That meant he hadn't taken any pain pills, and Joss sighed. She set the box of eclairs on the table pushing empty bottles aside and then sat down beside him. "Good thing I decided to pamper you with eclairs or I might have missed this pity party."

"It was meant for only one," he muttered.

She leaned back and kept her eyes on him. "Okay since I crashed it, care to tell me what inspired it?"

"Jessica…."

Joss frowned. She had been under the assumption that John was over his ex-wife. Never did he drink even during their divorce. He hadn't even seemed upset when a mutual friend told John that Jessica remarried a minute after the ink dried on their divorce papers, so she couldn't fathom how Jessica brought this reaction on. Unless… "Is Jessica alright? Did she get hurt?" she asked, not wanting to ask him if she passed.

"She came by," he said softly. Well, at least, she didn't die. So Joss waited for the rest. "Jessica's pregnant."

And now it made sense. "I'm so sorry, John," she said. One of the reasons their marriage ended was because John wanted children and Jessica hadn't seemed to. But seeing his ex-wife pregnant after being denied it for years had to hurt terribly. She wanted to comfort him in the worst way but didn't know how.

"My life is a mess, Joss. I quit my job because I needed a change. I don't have a wife and I don't have children. It feels like I lost something I never even had and never will have," he rasped, his voice low and pained. Joss saw the tears in his eyes, knowing he was more heartbroken by this than the end of his marriage.

She reached out and softly rubbed her fingers at his nape and slowly he lowered his head down, resting his cheek on her thighs. Joss felt an emotion clog her throat as she stared down at him and slid her fingertips through his hair above his ear.

"Don't give up hope, John. You could always…" she paused finding it awfully difficult to speak for a moment. "…meet someone else." she managed to finish. "Fatherhood for you could just take a bit longer."

"Do you really think so?"

"I do," she whispered. "And you'd make one hell of a father. You learned from the very best."

"I hope so," his voice broke and she felt a tear slip down her cheek at his pain. "I hope so," he repeated, anguish in his whispered plea.

AN: Thank you for reading!