"Izaya Orihara?"
"Yeah. She's a ton of bad news, but she mostly hangs out in Shinjuku anyway, so you probably won't ever see her. Still, if you ever see her, Shizuo Heiwajima won't be far off."
"Why's that?" Mikado cocked in his head in puppy-like way that made Masaomi's anixety levels spike through the roof. His friend was way too innocent for Ikebukuro. He answered honestly.
"Because Shizuo Heiwajima and Izaya Orihara are the most terrifying couple in Ikebukuro."
It wasn't often that Izaya felt compelled to directly, physically cause a situation. Sure, she had her fingers in just about every interesting occurrence in Ikebukuro at some level or another, but that was always pretty indirectly. Kind of. Still, she couldn't help it. Something about this Ryuugamine kid was just begging to be bullied.
Masaomi was just looking at her with so much thinly veiled hatred, and the Ryuugamine kid was just blushing so preciously, though she wasn't sure whether this was at being called out for his desire to save the girl or at Izaya's own presence (not an uncommon male reaction for her, she was pleased to announce), or some combination thereof. It was irresistible. Like a lock of hair dangled within reach of a grabby baby. All she needed to do to spin the situation into further disaster was... push.
So she did.
Shizu-chan would be so disappointed in her.
She smirked.
But not surprised.
"Bullying is lame," she announced, lamely, but with great confidence. "Pathetic, really."
"Oh butt out you old hag, what are you, like, 40?"
She chuckled. What walking stereotypes. And so completely lacking in self-awareness. She was kind of impressed, really.
"Listen," she drawled lightly, "It's not my problem if you ladies get pummeled to death and die! I could knock your teeth down your throat, or you could bag on my age when I'm actually just 23, and you're the one with wrinkles. That much tanning is bad for your skin, ya know," she winked, like she was sharing a nice little tip between girls. "I still don't care. You're in a class so far beneath me it doesn't matter."
"Huh?"
"Human beings are such weak things. But," she rubbed her chin in faux thoughtfulness. "Cat fights aren't really my thing." She flicked one finger up in the air like a brilliant idea had just come to her. There was a sound of metal whizzing through the air, and the girl's purse dropped to the floor, straps cut. She was pretty sure no one present should have even seen her move. "Well, I guess the next best thing I could do is take your precious cell-phone..." she held up the barbie pink device to make sure everyone present got a good look at it in its final moments. "And smash it."
"It's been a while, Masaomi," Izaya observed, flicking out her fingers to observe the crimson nails she had painted to match her eyes. She was going to have to hunt that thug down and give him a good scare if dealing with him had chipped her manicure, but, thankfully, everything appeared in order. She nearly let out a sigh of relief. She really was not interested enough in that human to warrant the time, but her appearance was important to her. What would her darling Shizu-chan think of her with a chipped nail?
Internally, she scoffed. He probably wouldn't even notice, the ingrate.
"Yeah, it has," the boy attempted to respond casually. To most of the world, it probably worked, too, but his tone was clipped, and Izaya wasn't fooled.
"That's a Raira uniform, isn't it? Good job on getting in." Like it was hard.
"Right, thanks. I didn't expect to see you, Izaya. You're not normally in Ikebukuro."
With a hum of indifference, the woman stretched with a feline kind of grace, and for reasons known only to her, she smirked. Yes, some of it had to be the way her dear online friend's eyes flickered wider at the mention of her name. Such an action always brought her joy, since it meant they had heard things about her- scary things. Things, thus, that she approved of. But even more so, she smirked because every time someone in this glorious city commented on the rarity of her presence she was gifted with that brief thrill of remembering that she was doing something she was explicitly not supposed to do. Because as much as she bathed in all things shady and manipulative, she was rarely told upfront not to do something and her darling Shizu-chan had one simple request for her: stay out of Ikebukuro. Oh, how she loved breaking that request.
Kida Masaomi looked between them in a brief panic and introduced them at the speed of light, as though she was vindictive enough to harm him if he didn't explain quickly enough. Oh, she loved that too!
Standing, she gave the newcomer a soft bow, pale hands clasped before her tickled by the ends of long, ebony hair falling past her slim shoulders. "I'm Izaya Orihara, and it's an absolute pleasure to meet you." She purred with a well-timed bat of false lashes even more ebony than her hair. Then, throwing her default seductress attitude out the window, she allowed herself a giggle. "Your name really does sound like an air conditioner."
"Oh...yeah."
How eloquent.
"So, why are you here in Ikebukuro anyhow?" Kida said with just enough of a move forward as to create the smallest of physical barriers between her and his delicate friend. Really, did he think she made that much of a habit of stabbing people in the middle of the street? Who weren't Shizu-chan?
"I'm here to see someone..." She made uncomfortably direct eye-contact with the human air-conditioner, just long enough to bring a rosy tint to hid cheeks. "But I already met him."
/CRASH/
"IZAYAAAAAAAAA!"
"Oh no, this is bad."
"Heh, you're telling me, eh kid?" She laughed a bit at the convenience store trash can conveniently blocking the alleyway exit before them. Her once elegant hair was piled in a tangled knot atop her head, the force of the wind as the trashcan had passed acting not unlike a vengeful hair-destroying tornado, and it had taken the zipper from the bottom corner of her beloved and fluffy-edged jacket up with it, lost in the sea of darkness that was her hair.
"Izaya. Dear."
"Yes," She nodded. It was best to be simple with a, despite her best efforts, untamed beast such as her lover. "That is me."
"Did I not tell you.." He swiped off his blue-tinted glasses and clipped them into his vest. "NEVER to come to Ikebukro again?"
"Oh, my beloved Shizu-chan," she sighed. "This was much easier back when you worked the west entrance."
"As if, flea. I'd know your slimy scent anywhere. And don't call me that in front of people! My name is Shizuo!"
This time Air-conditioner released an audible gasp that couldn't help but stir up a touch of jealously in the brunette. How come her wit never got as strong a reaction as her monster's brawn? It wasn't fair!
"Oh my, monster dearest, are you still mad I had that first ultrasound without you?"
"No- wait, yes I am, actually! But aside from that I won't have our daughter growing up calling me Oto-chan or anything else ridiculous because of you, you hear me!"
"Oh, I never thought of that," she put a finger to soft lips in consideration.
"IZAYA."
Her smirk rang just a little more false.
"Yes, dear?"
"You're going home. Right now."
She turned her crimson lips into a pout and flipped out her switchblade like it was an everyday annoyance that couldn't be helped. "Now now, let's deal with this as though you're capable of listening to reason, Shizu-chan."
He spit out his cigarette.
"What are the chances, really, of anything happening to me on the way back to our apartment? Much less, specifically bad enough to harm our child?"
The flickers of orange in the ashes were stamped out under the heel of a large black shoe.
"Besides, who'd really be ballsy enough to attack me, of all people, in broad daylight?"
Her words went without any response aside from the blond rolling up the sleeves of his, for now, pristine white shirt. His honeyed eyes bored through her skull, and it was in that moment, that she knew she was not going to be walking back home. With, or without a fight.
"Stay back, you beast!"
All it took was one step in her direction, and she was flying down the street as fast as her legs could take her.
"IZAYAAAA!"
She sped on with all her might, so caught up escaping she didn't notice the small army of delinquents that had been slowly closing in. Shizuo, equally unaware, chased her straight into the newly formed wall of vengeful thugs, and she felt an added weight, besides the tiny human, drop in her stomach. She wasn't going to be allowed to leave the house for weeks, was she?
"Dear."
"Yes."
"Why."
"...Well, Shizu-chan, I can't predict the exact outcome of every course of action I take-"
There was a ring of snapping wood, and her lover's grip on her shoulders tightened dangerously with the blood running down his face, and the foolish laughter echoing in a ring around them.
"You were aiming for my head just now." The laughter halted. "You know that can kill someone, right? Which means, you were trying to kill me, right? And if that's not enough, you dared to take the risk of attacking me while I'm holding my girlfriend? My pregnant girlfriend? Which means not only were trying to kill me, but you didn't care if my girlfriend got hurt as well. And if you didn't care if my girlfriend got hurt, then you didn't care if my unborn child were to die at your hands!"
There was so little noise the absence of sound had practically concaved into itself and made a vacuum of silence.
"Then," he released his lover at long last and turn to face the man that had just broken a baseball bat over his head. ''You can't complain about anything I do to you!"
As much as she was ever so slightly turned on by her boyfreind's ability to punch someone literally out of their clothes, Izaya and her clever little brain quickly deduced that perhaps her darling Shizuo-chan was right all along, and Ikebukuro was not the safest place in the world for her and her tiny, parasitic stomach human. In fact, she decided, it was probably for the best that she just left. Right now.
And if she went just slow enough for a vending machine to land in her path and her victorious monster to scoop her up and march her back to their apartment in a fit of sexy rage, whose business was it really?
Yes, she really loved breaking Shizu-chan's rules.
AN: Well, as I write this AN it is 2:43 in the morning, and 6 months from now, I'll probably read this story, and I'll say to myself, "Wow, that was crap!", and then I'll rewrite it into oblivion, and it will no longer be crap. But, as things stand now, today, is not that day. May you have enjoyed it anyways.
EDIT: This chapter was re-written, hopefully for the better, on April 18th, 2020