It has been a good few years since I arrived in the land of dinosaurs and lost my eye. Since then, I have fought the beast time and time again. That beast, whom I now call Rudy, is a good source of practice. He taught me, in a way, how to survive down here. It's because of him that I learned how to swing on vines. I was trying to get away from Rudy when I slipped off a cliff. On the way down, I had caught onto a vine and swung away from certain death. After that, I was hooked on vine swinging. Now, I can say that I'm an expert, both with vines and surviving in general. Me, with my tooth knife, can overcome absolutely anything.
Right now, I just got back from watching a mamma t-rex pass through with her three babies and some floppy green thing. What I don't realize is, soon, my life will change for the first time since I came here.
I'm dozing in a tree. I wake to the screams of creatures, presumably from the upper world. I follow the sounds. There, I see an odd-looking herd. The herd is made up of two mammoths, two possums, and a Saber. They are surrounded by hungry-looking dinos.
I spring into action. Using a vine, I swing towards them. Unfortunately, the vine snaps. I slam into a tree. That hurt! Even so, I run towards the herd as quickly as possible. I throw stink berries at the dinos and help the herd escape.
I hide myself in the water, under a lily pad. As soon as the coast is clear, I lift my head out. The herd emerges from the trees. Those two possums go on and on about how awesome I am, until I throw my knife between them.
I sniff the possums. I pick them up by their tails and turn to look at the rest of the herd. "Can we keep him?" One possum asks.
I choose to ignore this question. Instead, I jump on the male mammoth, startling him. "Buck!" I begin.
"What?" The mammoth asks.
"Name's Buck. Short fer Buckminster. Long fer Buh!" I introduce myself. I test the Saber's fangs. "Hmmm. A li'l dull. Wot are ya doin' here?" I ask, jumping back on the male mammoth's tusks.
"We're looking for our friend. He was taken by a dinosaur," the female mammoth explains.
"Well…he's dead. Welcome ta my world. Now, uh…, go 'ome. Off ya pop!" I start to move off.
The herd stubbornly insists on searching for their friend. They make to leave, until I drop from a vine in front of the male mammoth. "If ya go in there, you'll find yer friend…in th' afterlife…" I finish dramatically.
"How do you know, great wisely weasely one?" One of the possums asks.
I drop to the ground to inspect the tracks. That includes licking up some dirt and spitting it back out. "Ummm…yeah…uhhh…Mommy dinosaur carryin' 'er three babies an' some floppy green thing…" I look up at the herd for clarification.
"Yeah, we're friends with the floppy green thing," the male mammoth says.
"You got all that from the tracks?" The Saber asks.
"No, no' really. I saw 'em come through 'ere earlier. They're headed ta Lava Falls. That's where they care fer th' newborns. Ta get there, ya need ta go through th' Jungle of Misery, across th' Chasm of Death, ta th' Plates of Woe…" I display a manic grin.
"Whoa!" The possums gasp.
"Okay…good luck with the slow descent into madness. We're gonna go now," the male mammoth speaks sarcastically. The herd starts to move away.
I interrupt their departure. "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Wot? Do ya think that this is some tropical get away? Ya won't be able ta protect yer mate, mate! Wot are ya goin' ta do wi' those flimsy tusks when ya run into th' beast?" I ask with a spooky edge to my voice.
The two possums cringe out of fear. "I call 'im…Rudy!" I give the herd a frightening look.
"Oh sure! Why not call him something more intimidating like Sheldon or Tim?" The male mammoth mocks.
"Wait! You mean there's something bigger than mommy dinosaur?" One of the possums asks.
"Aye!" I answer.
"Eye?" One of the possums points at his eye.
"Aye aye! He's th' one that gave me this!" I point to my eye patch.
"Whoa! He gave you that patch?" One possum asks excitedly.
"For free? That's so cool!" The other puts in.
"Yeah! Maybe he'll give us one, too!" The first possum suggests.
The possums cheer and do some sort of pawshake. I look at them, perplexed. Are they seriously that stupid? I've met dinos smarter than them!
The male mammoth reads my stare. "Welcome to my world," he speaks sarcastically.
I watch as they start to move away. "Abandon all hope, 'e who enters there!" I shout.
They ignore me as they press on. I decide to follow them, knowing that they won't last long without my expertise.
I find the herd again just as the male mammoth and the Saber are being taken by a killer plant. The female mammoth is about to charge the plant. I stop her. "Do that an' it'll clamp shut forever!"
"What?!" She shouts.
"Don't fret, Preggers. Don't get yer trunk in a knot. I'll get 'em out of there before they are fully digested," I say while stretching.
"Digested?!" The male mammoth pokes his head out, before being shoved back inside.
"They'll be nothin' but bones in a few minutes. Maybe five fer th' fat one." I continue.
"I'm not fat!" The male mammoth yells.
Soon, they begin calling for help. The female mammoth urges me to hurry. I ready my knife. "It's time ta get Buck wild!" I leap over the vines and straight into the killer plant. I kinda get temporarily stuck in the entrance.
"Who's fat now?" The male mammoth mocks.
I roll my eye. I hold my breath and swim to the bottom of the plant. I remove the cover in the bottom of the plant, to see two wires. I cut the red one.
Bad move. The liquid rises faster. I'm being crushed under the mammoth. I reach, desperately, for my knife. I finally grasp it. I use it to cut the remaining blue wire.
The killer plant barfs us up. I fly up into the air. I grab a leaf on the way down to use as a parachute. "Pfft. Tourists," I walk a short distance away.
The female mammoth makes the male swallow his pride. "Thanks for saving us," he says.
"Buck, will you help us find the floppy green thing?" The female mammoth asks, ignoring her mate's protests.
"Alright. I'll 'elp ya, but I've got rules. Rule numbah one: Always listen ta Buck. Rule numbah two: Stay in th' middle of th' trail. Rule numbah three: 'e who 'as gas travels in th' back of th' pack!" I say the third rule with a somewhat dramatic flare. I start to lead them away.
"We should all have our heads examined," the male mammoth says.
"That's rule numbah four. Now, let's go find yer friend," I state.
The female mammoth comes to me. "My name's Ellie. That's my mate, Manny. That's our friend, Diego. Those are my brothers, Crash and Eddie. I was raised by possums, so we grew up together," Ellie explains.
"Well, Ellie, it's nice ta meetcha!" I continue to lead them through the jungle.
"So…how did you get down here anyway?" Crash asks as we travel.
"Yeah! Tell us!" Eddie pleads.
I flinch slightly before closing my eye in thought. I decide that I'll tell them the short version, the one that doesn't include any mention of my foster family. "'kay. So, ya wanna know 'ow I got 'ere? Well, 't 'appened during a snowstorm. 't was cold out. I was tryin' ta find some form of shelter when I spotted a cave in th' distance. I entered 't an' slept there fer th' night. When I woke up, I 'eard noises comin' from deeper inside of 't. Turns out th' cave was actually a tunnel. I followed 't. That's when I stumbled upon this deadly paradise," I explain.
"Woah, really? That's so cool! Did you fight any dinos?" Crash asks.
"Yes, of course I did! 'ow else do ya think that I lost my eye? Before that, though, I ran into a pack of four raptors. I was chased by them, but I got away of course. I waited in a tree ta make sure they hadn't followed me," I reply.
"What happened next?" Eddie asks.
"That…is a story fer another time! Don't forget, yer friend is still out there! 'e won't last long in a place like this," I cut the possum twins' protests off.
"That was a good story," Ellie coments.
"Well, I 'ad ta keep my fans entertained, didn't I? It's been a while since I 'ad anyone lookin' up ta me," I reply.
"Oh? Who used to look up to you?" Ellie asks.
"Um…I 'ave a sister up there…younger sister named Amy…she used ta look up ta me," I answer nervously. I look away, obviously unwilling to talk.
Ellie gives me a subtle, understanding nod of her head. "Okay. You don't have to tell us anything more if you don't want to. Let's just keep looking for our friend," Ellie suggests.
I nod my head with a smile. "This way!" I call as I continue leading the herd through my paradise.