"Shizuo."

Her voice was brief at the other end of the phone, and for a number of reasons, Shizuo was instantly very, very concerned.

"...yeah?"

For one thing, Izaya rarely chose to call him, when she could always come harass him physically instead.

"It's just- it's just-"

For another, she was pregnant, which meant his level of concern for her was about 1000% increased by default anyways.

"What is it Izaya, are you alright?"

"I can hardly bear to even say it Shizuo."

And, most importantly of all, Izaya would never answer the phone with his real name.

"Are you in danger? I swear to god, whatever bastard's have upset you, I'll-"

"No, Shizuo, it's not that," she dismissed, sounding damn well on the verge of tears.

"Well then what the fuck is it?"

"My- my- my jeans won't zip, Shizuo!" She exclaimed, melting into sobs that made even Tom wince from where he sat across the table.

"Wha-" he felt the characteristic nerve in his temple flaring up, "Why the fuck did you need to call me at work to tell me something stupid like that? Buy a new pair!"

"No, Shizuo, you don't understaaand," she bawled, practically in hysterics at this point. "It's not the pants- it's me! It's my baby bump! Shizuo- Shizuo, I'm fat!"

More sobs.

"Wha- Izaya I saw you literally this morning, you are not fat."

"You're just saying that," ( a sniffle), "because," (more sniffles), "you're my boyfriend, and you have to, but I know it's not true."

"What the fuck do you mean it's not true? Izaya you're a fucking twig, you could gain 40 pounds and it'd still be a stretch to call you fat."

"No,' she sobbed, "I'm disgusting. How will you even look at me? You must think I look so repulsive, I can't take it!"

"Izaya, stop being an idiot! I'm at work and I don't have time for this right now." And with that he slammed the flip phone shut, motioning to start picking up the trash from his and Tom's fast-food lunch break.

"Yeesh, what was that about?" His boss asked, looking more than a little apprehensive.

"Just some non-sense about how her jeans won't zip because of the baby bump so now all of a sudden she thinks she's fat. How fuckin stupid, huh?"

"Oh no Shizuo," his boss sighed, exasperated at his friend's lack of basic human skills. "Bad move, buddy."

"Huh? Why's that?"

"So let me get this straight. Your girlfriend, who is pregnant, called you in distress, because she can't fit into her usual clothes anymore. She thinks she's fat and unattractive, so she starts sobbing. And instead of comforting her, or going home to check on her, you called her idiot and hung up on her."

"Well yeah. And?"

Tom sighed. "Oh, Shizuo. Well, it's too late now. Just be expecting to sleep on the couch tonight, man. Maybe the rest of the week."

Brow twitching, the blond dumped the trash into the can with a little more force than necessary. "I don't get it, and I don't feel like figuring it out right now. She was irritating me, so I hung up. I'm sure she'll be her usual irritating self when I get home tonight."

Tom only shook his head. He would see soon enough. "Whatever you say, man, whatever you say."

"I'm home," he announced, ducking into the flat that him and Izaya now basically shared. His lease still hadn't quite run out on his place in Ikebukuro yet, but considering that hers was about a thousand times nicer and, most importantly, not in Ikebukuro, he spent more nights there than not.

Usually, Izaya would bound over to greet him like a puppy that'd been left at home all day and was dying for attention, but today, the apartment was... quiet.

"Izaya?" He called, concern starting to take root in his gut. Something here wasn't right. He could feel it. "This isn't funny, Izaya!"

Still no response. Maybe she was on a job?

That was when he noticed the note, lying conspicuously in the middle of the living area, on her nicest paper which she saved for only the most special (ie, troublesome) occasions. The concern he held growing ever louder, he approached the note, which his instinct was to take for some kind of ransom note. Maybe one of Izaya's many enemies had finally decided her information wasn't worth the trouble she brought with it after all? Still, for some reason, Tom's words seemed to be the ones echoing around in his brain. 'Bad move, buddy." He'd said. But... why?

Lifting the note which looked almost comically small in his large hands, it didn't take long for him to register that it was, in fact, his girlfriend's handwriting. The note read:

Dear Shizuo,

Well. That was already a bad start. He kept reading:

I understand that as things currently stand, I, and my body, are repulsive. You don't have to pretend. I understand that surely you must want nothing to do with me. As such, I have decided to go underground until I have safely given birth and returned to my original trim figure. I know this must be hard for you, and know, my beloved Shizu-chan, that this pains me as well, but I cannot bear to face you in this state. Fear not, for you will still see my workings around Ikebukuro, and for each gang war you happen across, know that if you think it may have been my doing, it likely was, and I hope you think of me. All of this will be done remotely, as no one can be trusted to see me in this disgraced state. Never fear, I will take photographs with my cell-phone at the birth so that you feel included, I've thought of everything- as usual!

That is if I don't die horrifically in the birthing process. I'm not sure a human has ever cross-bred with a beast such as yourself before and I can only assume the results will be disastrous, but let us hope for the best.

Signed, your favorite information broker and once lover,

Izaya Orihara

Stunned, was one way to describe his initial reaction to the message left behind by his lover- not former, thank you very much. But that was short-lived- very short-lived. And the emotion to follow it was a rage even he didn't know he was capable of.

"IzayAAAAAA!" He bellowed, all birds within a ten-mile radius scattering with fear. In Ikebukuro, a certain crimson-eyed temptress couldn't contain a shudder.

"So Shizuo was dismissive when you complained to him of your- and I must say- extremely mild weight gain."

"Yes, and don't lie to me. I'm a blimp."

"No, you're honestly almost concerningly thin for someone at your stage of pregnancy- anyway, not the point right now. So you decided to just... leave him?"

"Yes."

"For 6 months."

"Yes."

"Well," Shinra scratched his chin. "I hate to say it Izaya, since things you've done have literally gotten people killed, but I think this may just be the worst idea you've ever had."

She blinked. "Why?"

Shinra sighed. "God, you two are both so bad at communicating, it's a miracle you haven't actually killed one another yet. Izaya, have you ever considered maybe, just maybe, that Shizuo wasn't lying when he said he didn't think you were fat?"

"And just why would I consider something stupid like that?" She frowned at him.

"Izaya," he allowed himself an exasperated smile, "You're tiny."

"No, I'm not," she protested, tears welling in her eyes, a level of distress Shinra had never seen on his old friend's face. "I've never been above a size two in my life, Shinra, and now I think- I think-" she leaned forward and dropped her voice to a whisper, as though afraid saying it too loud would make it more true. "I think right now I may be a four."

"Izaya," his expression softened, "I can't let you stay here just because of that. It's not worth Shizuo pounding at my door when he finds out and trust me, he will."

"No, he won't, and yes, you can, you have to because, because, I'll tell the police that Celty lives here if you don't!"

"Frankly, that's the most obvious bluff you've ever tried to pull, Izaya."

"It's not, and I will! I'm pregnant, you don't know what I'm capable of!"

Shinra laughed. "Exactly. You're pregnant, not stupid. Celty is your most valuable transport and you know it. And besides, I'm sure your yakuza clients wouldn't be too happy to hear you've been ratting people out to the police."

She frowned at him, knowing he was right and clearly resenting it. "What if I said... pretty please?" She batted her lashes, which in her distress, were actually real today.

"No."

"Please Shinra? Just for tonight and then I'll get out of your hair, I promise!"

He sighed. "Fine, but tomorrow you and Shizuo need to have a long conversation that I want no part of."

"Yaaay!' She flung her arms in the air triumphantly. "Thank you so much Shinra, I won't forget this!"

"Yeah yeah, just go to the guest room already, it's late and I"m exhausted."

"Of course of course, ta ta!" She waved a farewell, zipping off to the room before he could change his mind. And, well. If he texted Shizuo the second the door was closed, could anyone really blame him?

She woke to a door being thrown off its hinges.

"IZAYAAAAA!"

Fuck.

As silently as she could, she slipped out of her borrowed futon, still dressed in the loose-fitting black dress she had donned that morning after the whole jean dabocal. Looked like it was time for her to make her exit- that filthy traitor Shinra. She would remember this.

She leaped through the window with perfect timing, just as her monster slammed open the door to her borrowed room.

"COME BACK HERE, FLEABAG!" He roared, leaping after her. Too bad for him- he was fast, but she was faster.

"Don't look at me, beast!" She yelled back, daring not to look over her shoulder.

"AAAHHHH!" He was now roaring incoherently, blind with rage.

Gears turning frantically in her brain, she struggled to think of where else she could possibly hide. It wasn't like she was a woman of many friends. She could still hear her lover roaring in the distance, but the sound was growing faint, which meant she had nearly put enough distance between them to slip away somewhere. But where?

In the distance, she could just make out the sign of a familiar restaurant. "Russia Sushi."

"Simon!" she yelled, bursting in through the doors.

"Ah, Miss Izaya, you come to provide nourishment for the little one, yes?"

"Nyet, nyet, Simon," she switched to Russian, knowing it tended to gain his favor, "Hide me!"

"'Hide you'? From what, little one? Is there violence on our streets tonight?" He responded, also in Russian.

"There will be if Shizuo finds me!"

"What? I doubt that, little one, considering your state."

"You don't understand Simon, I ran away because I didn't want him to see me like this, and now he's angrier than I've ever seen him! Worse than when someone talks about his brother!"

"My, that is serious," he considered, raising a hand to his chin in thought. "But what do mean by 'state'? You look much the same as ever to my eyes."

"I'm fat, Simon, can't you see!"

This gave the man pause for a second and she watched as his eyes dropped to her stomach, as though to asses the validity of her assertion. Then he burst out laughing.

"Aaahaha, good joke, little one!"

"I'm not kidding!" She huffed, growing ever irritated with everyone dismissing her concerns. Were they blind?, she thought. No, she disagreed with herself, they couldn't be, they were just liars. Liars the lot of them!

"Well, in any case, I think it's best you work this out with your lover yourself, yes?"

"Dammit Simon!" She yelled, whipping around as she heard a violent crash in the distance that could only come from one man. "I'm using your employee exit, just know, I will remember this!"

And so she was off.

"Why... are you here?"

Mikado Ryugamine was confused, to say the least.

"Mikado Ryugamine, I am mourned to announce that you will have the privilege of my company for the next 6 months."

"...huh?"

"I have chosen to live here, in your hovel, as I hide away from the man I would once call lover until the time of my stomach human's birth." She announced, sweeping past him with all the confidence as though she had been invited in.

"What, you can't do that!" He protested, scrambling after.

"I very well can, and I will."

"Why are you even running from him anyways? it's not like he would ever actually hurt you while you were pregnant."

"You're very well correct, Mikado Ryugamine, but there is not the issue at hand here." She paused, and then gestured theatrically to her stomach as though this motion would explain everything.

"I still don't understand."

"If you can't very well see that I have become fat, Mikado, then I don't know what else to tell you. No one I care for can be trusted to see me in this state. No offense."

"None taken, I guess," he deadpanned. "But you can't stay here for six months. I don't mind you staying the night, but after that, you two really need to just sort this out."

"Fine. I will stay here tonight, and flee the country in the mourning. I was so hoping my child could be born here, on Japanese soil, but alas, the harsh Russian turf of my grandmother will have to do-"

"Is that right, Iz. Ay. A?"

Going stiff as a board, she turned slowly, praying that she had spontaneously developed schizophrenia and that voice didn't belong to who she thought it belonged to.

They made eye-contact for a few painful seconds and then, with a squeak, she trampled over Mikado, diving for the small window on the opposite end of the apartment. Slowly, Shizuo approached.

"Why, the FUCK doesn't this window open, Ryugamine!" She yelled, panic growing, as her tugs became increasingly comical in her desperation.

"It's a really old building, the rust build-up on it must be decades old-"

"Ryugamine?" Shizuo asked, not bothering to face the boy.

"Yeah?" He gulped.

"Can you give us a minute?"

"Y-yeah, no problem, I'll just, be going now!" He didn't even take his wallet with him, running away to who knows where.

"Izaya."

"Stay back, beast!" She yelled, whipping out one of her beloved switch-blades. "How did you find me here?"

"Give me some fucking credit, Izaya." He spat out his cigarette. "The Ryugamine kid is your favorite person to bully on this fucking planet."

"Damn," she exhaled. He had her there.

Still stalking over to her, he didn't flinch when she buried her knife in his chest, instead wrapping her up tightly into his arms.

"Izaya?"

"...Yeah?"

"You're beautiful."

"...Huh?"

"I said you're beautiful, dumbass."

"But- but-"

"And you're certainly not fucking fat."

"You're just saying that, you're all liars." Her voice was barely audible, her face buried in his chest as it was. He pulled back, gripping her by the shoulders and staring into her eyes.

"Have I ever lied to you, Izaya?"

"...No," she admitted, avoiding his gaze in favor of scuffing at the ground timidly with her feet. A small laugh escaped her. "It's not your style. You're too stupid."

A nerve ticked on his forehead and his grip may have tightened some, but he decided to let the remark slide for now.

"Right," he agreed begrudgingly. "So you'll believe what I'm about to tell you next, right?"

She hesitated. "Right."

"Izaya Orihara, I wouldn't care if you were the size of a fucking blimp, I'm not going anywhere."

Now she finally dared to meet his eyes again, and he realized they were full of tears. "You mean that?"

"I do."

"You won't ever leave me?'

"No."

"Oh." She stated simply, and then giggled, and soon the entire apartment was filled with her hearty laughter. "Well, seems my worries were rather unfounded, huh, Shizu-chan! Silly me!" She waved her hand as though dismissing her prior silliness out of the room. "Guess we ought to go home now then, huh Shizu-chan?"

He took one deep breath, reminding himself that she was pregnant and, if Tom was any indication, it was his actions that set her off in the first place,. He allowed himself one vision of throwing her through a wall (lovingly, of course), before bringing himself back to reality. At the end of the day, he had a beautiful girlfriend, and she was having his baby, and that was all that mattered. He smiled. "Yeah, Izaya. Let's go home."