A/N: Apologies my lovelies! Spider bite on my hand meant that I was out of action for three whole days! Muchness of sad panda for me...
Ok, so I know we're all sad after last week's episode, hence my urge to put a smile on some of your faces…
My 2c: I know I'm gonna take heat for this next comment, but I can understand why Santana did what she did. It sucks. Jesus, does it fucking suck, but I've been in a long distance relationship before and after four and a half years, we lasted not even two months apart…
I thought it was tasteful and real and it definitely leaves the door open for them to get back together, so that's what I'm hoping for.
I wrote a one-shot depicting my take on how I think things could pan out for our beloved Brittana post The Break Up. A lot of you have read and reviewed and I thank you for that :)
But for now…let's focus on what happens in my world where 'unofficial break ups' don't exist. An extra long chapter just cos ;)
Where were we…?
-H
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :( (I think we all know what would happen if I did)
CHAPTER 18
Quinn found herself smiling a lot that afternoon. Who knew that Rachel Berry was actually a decent person? And she was funny. She had no qualms about saying exactly what was on her mind. Quinn found it refreshing. She knew that she wasn't a total bitch with San blabbering on about her every second of the day. But after spending an afternoon in her company, Quinn was pleasantly surprised at how down to earth Rachel was. And how sympathetic she was.
"My treat," Rachel said, pulling out her purse. They had decided to stop at The Lima Bean after wrapping up Dance-ability week in Glee. "What's your poison?"
"Oh, um, thanks, Rachel. I'll just have an iced coffee. Not in the mood for anything too caffeinated."
"Oooh, that actually sounds good," Rachel mused, smiling. She turned to barista. "Two iced coffees and be generous with the sprinkles."
Quinn caught a wink and a smirk and raised an eyebrow. As the brunette handed over the money, she caught Quinn's disapproving look.
"Oh, come on, Quinn. It's not like I was going to run into the back and have a quickie with her," Rachel said in a teasing tone.
"You already did that," the barista chimed, taking two cups over to the coffee dispenser.
"Oh, really?" Quinn asked incredulously.
"What?" Rachel spluttered. "If I did, it wasn't when I was with Santana. Quinn, I swear it. I would never cheat on her." She turned to the barista. "When did this so-called romp occur?"
"Romp?" she questioned with a smirk. "If I recall, Rachel Berry, it was three romps and it was just before finals last year."
"See?" Rachel said triumphantly. "I am absolved."
"Absolved?" Quinn chuckled. "I think you have a long way to go before you're absolved of all your sins."
Rachel smiled and shrugged. "So I've been a bad girl. Past tense. I get everything I need from your best friend."
"Ugh." Quinn pulled a face. "I do not need any kind of details about what you and Santana get up to."
Rachel chuckled and grabbed their drinks.
"Yours is the one with my number on it," the barista purred.
"Sorry, honey. My girlfriend is number one on my priority list. I don't need any other numbers."
Quinn smiled proudly.
"What does she have that I don't?" the barista asked with a pout.
Rachel sipped her drink as she thought. "Everything."
She spun away, leaving the barista with a look of disbelief on her face. Quinn chuckled and followed the petit cheerleader to a corner table.
"It must be interesting to be you," she mused as she sat down.
Rachel cocked her head and looked up thoughtfully. "I suppose it might be. Well, for someone..." Her eyes went a little wide and she pulled her lips together tightly to prevent herself from saying anything further.
Quinn eyed her. "Go on, you can say it. For someone like me." she smiled. "I'm not a precious gem that will lose all its value with one harsh word, Rachel."
"Oh, no, I know that. God, out of all the people I know, you're probably the strongest. With everything that's happened over the last few weeks..." she trailed off and shook her head in amazement. "How are so calm?"
Quinn fiddled with the rim of her iced coffee. "Can I be honest, Rachel?"
"Of course."
The blonde sighed. "It's a struggle to get out of bed sometimes. I'm not sure how much Santana has actually told you about...what happened, but-"
"I know the very basics," Rachel cut in quickly. "She hasn't spilled anything deep. Whatever you guys talk about is between you."
Quinn smiled. "That's Santana for you. She'll take a secret to the grave if you ask her." A small frown crossed her face as she remembered a particular secret that her best friend was harbouring.
"What is it?"
"Oh, no, nothing important," Quinn brushed off. It definitely wasn't her secret to tell, no matter how much she disagreed with Santana's approach to the whole situation. "Um, anyway, as I was saying, it may come across that I'm all strong and calm and together, but that's purely because I've had years of practice."
"That doesn't sound like a fun childhood," Rachel mumbled, chewing on her straw. "Sorry if that's blunt."
Quinn smiled. "It's refreshing, actually. Santana calls it like it is, but she still doesn't want to hurt me so she sugar coats it." She shrugged. "I mean, I love her for it because at least she takes an interest."
"Oh." Rachel paused, and looked uncertain about what she wanted to say.
"Rachel, I'm not a dragon. I'm not going to bite your head off for asking me a question. If I don't want to answer it, the I won't."
"Fair enough," Rachel said with a relieved smile. "Um, I remember seeing your mom at the hospital and the way Santana was with her...I don't know, it just seemed like you guys are close."
"Who? Santana and my mother? Me and Santana? Me and my mother?"
"Well, obviously I know you and Santana are close. I kinda wish like I had that best friend vibe with Brittany, but I doubt that will happen. We have our own style that works for us."
"Understatement," Quinn giggled.
Rachel smiled. "I guess I meant are you and your mother close? Because the way San greeted her, it seemed like you guys were."
"Well, Santana seems to have a knack for getting any parents to like her. I guess it's the Lopez charm."
"Oh, I've had many experiences with the Lopez charm," Rachel laughed.
Quinn laughed with her. "Yeah, so Santana and my mom, they're fine. Me and my mom...well, she has a dream for me that she's determined to make a reality."
"Do you share this dream with her?"
Quinn sighed and truly contemplated the question since the last time she and Santana had spoken about it. "I'm not sure. I think in part, yes. But not the entire dream she has for me, no."
"May I ask what your dream is?"
"If I knew, I'd gladly tell you, Rachel."
"Well, that's ok. I mean, we're only sixteen. We still have almost three years of high school to help decide what it is that we want to do."
"You make it sound so simple," Quinn said quietly. "I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, my mother will make sure that I follow her dream." She shrugged. "There's not much I can do about that."
"Hold up. Where's the Quinn Fabray that I see dominating the choir room?" Rachel demanded. "I'm pretty sure she wouldn't stand for this roll over and die crap."
Rachel's eyes were twinkling and Quinn had to laugh. "Well, I guess when you put it like that, I do sound like an idiot, don't I?"
"No, no, that's not what I meant! God, I'm so insensitive. Quinn, I-"
She was cut off by the blonde laughing heartily. "I never, in a million years, would have expected us to be having this conversation, with you apologising to me for thinking that you're being insensitive!" she giggled.
Rachel smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, well I guess you can thank your best friend for turning me away from the dark side."
"Oh, God, she really has corrupted you," Quinn said, her face suddenly serious.
"Not entirely," Rachel confessed. She leaned closer and dropped her voice to a whisper, "I'm somewhat of a nerd myself." She cleared her throat dramatically and sat back. "But of course, you never heard this."
"Oh, no, of course not," Quinn replied, playing along. "In fact, the last three seconds never happened."
"I like you, Fabray," Rachel said, clinking their iced coffees together. "Now what are we gonna do about this whole Momzilla taking over your life?"
It was so wrong. So wrong. But she couldn't stop. She tried fighting it, but her body refused. Even her head refused. She wished that it didn't feel so good. She hated that it felt so right.
Brittany's lips were expertly working against hers. It felt effortless. They just fit. Her hand was firmly buried in luscious golden hair as their tongues danced with each other. There was no space between their bodies as Brittany pressed her against the garage wall. Their hips had started uncontrollably moving against each other, but it felt amazing.
Santana had to tear her lips away from Brittany's as she gasped for air. The blonde was working her up so much that she couldn't even control her body enough to breathe through her nose. Brittany's lips left a hot trail from her jaw to her neck and latched onto that weak spot that made Santana's knees tremble. Brittany felt the result and took the opportunity to slip a thigh in between Santana's legs, immediately pressing against her. The Latina let out a muffled moan against Brittany's shoulder and it simply seemed to spur her on. The blonde started rubbing herself against Santana's thigh, breathing heavily into her neck at the stimulation it was bringing.
God, I can't have sex with Brittany! Even if it is dry humping!
"W-w-wait, wait," Santana said, squeezing her neck to get her attention. "Brittany, stop!"
"Please," came a begging voice. "Please just make it go away."
What the...
Santana used both her hands to bring Brittany's face to hers. "What's going on?" she asked, still breathing quite heavily.
"Please, Santana, please."
Brittany's eyes were desperate as they searched hers, but it just made her more confused. What was this to her? Was what this to both of them? What the hell was this anyway? What were they doing?
Brittany leaned in to capture her lips again and there was an urgency that overwhelmed the passion. Santana let herself get lost in it again until she felt Brittany's hand grab hers and push it down past her stomach to where a huge amount of heat was emanating. Santana's breath caught in her throat. This was way beyond anything they'd done. And they'd already stepped over the line.
"Brittany," Santana breathed, breaking away slightly, searching her eyes again.
"Please, just do this for me?" Brittany begged. "I need this and it'll be over. Please, Santana."
Santana opened her mouth and then closed it when she couldn't find any words. She didn't know what she could possibly say. She'd never seen such a desperate, needy look in anyone's eyes before. She wasn't sure if she had it in her to deny Brittany. Could she? Did she even want to?
Brittany closed the minuscule distance between them again and this time the kiss was sweet and reminiscent of a lover's kiss. The familiarity and natural feeling scared the shit out of Santana. She shouldn't be feeling this with Brittany. She shouldn't even be feeling this at all!
The blonde continued her soft, sweet kisses and the feelings worked their way into Santana's head. As soon as Brittany felt her succumb again, she pressed the Latina's hand against her core. The immediate pressure caused her to whimper in pleasure and the sound rocketed through Santana's body.
She knew this was wrong. She knew it was. Why the hell couldn't she stop?
"How long have you and Brittany been friends?" Quinn asked, swirling the last of her iced coffee around in the cup.
"We met when we were eleven. So about five years?"
"Same and me and San."
"How did you guys meet?"
Quinn smiled. "Ah, now that is a highly boring story actually."
"Well the I can't wait to hear it," Rachel chuckled. "I'm ready to be absolutely riveted."
"Ok, so you know San did gymnastics, right?"
"Hmmm," Rachel said with a wicked smile and wiggled her eyebrows.
"Ew, ok, I do not need to know what you're thinking right now, even though I have a feeling that I know exactly what.." Quinn trailed off, shuddering dramatically.
"Ah, come on, Quinnie, surely you're not completely innocent in that pristine white dress of yours," Rachel teased. "What's the craziest thing you've ever done?" Her eyes flashed mischievously.
"Oh, you mean other than lose my virginity to a known playboy without using a condom and then fall pregnant?" Quinn replied with a smirk.
Rachel's eyes went wide. "Shit, I'm-"
"Rachel, relax. I was kidding. Seriously, I'm past the whole Puck/pregnancy/miscarriage debacle. I'm glad it's behind me. I learnt a lot about myself, definitely, so I'm putting in under the life experiences column."
"Wow," Rachel breathed. "That's like, the most mature thing I've heard anyone say. If Britt had to fall pregnant, shit would hit the fan. Like major. She'd demand the world stop while she sorts her shit out." She rolled her eyes. "You should write a book or something."
Quinn chuckled. "Yeah, I'll call it...Confessions of a pregnant teenager who miscarried when she got hit by a bike."
Rachel threw back her head and laughed. "Hell, even a stand up comedienne. Quinn, I'm pretty sure you could do whatever you wanted without batting an eyelid."
Quinn felt herself smiling bashfully. "Um, so how Santana and I met. I was at a dance recital and she had just finished up a gym competition. We both ran into the bathroom because we'd both just started our period."
"No," Rachel said, her mouth dropping open.
Quinn nodded, grinning at the memory. "She was cursing in Spanish, going totally apeshit and I just stared at her because she was wearing this bright pink leotard and she just looked like she was crazy."
"Well, not much has changed there," Rachel mumbled, earning a slap on the arm from Quinn. "What?"
"That's my best friend you're talking about," Quinn said sternly. "So, anyway. Once she realised that she wasn't alone, she gave me that arched eyebrow look and said, 'Do I look like I have a tampon, Blondie'?"
"What?" Rachel squealed, leaning back in her chair as she laughed.
Quinn shrugged. "I said to her, 'You can use the one you have shoved up your ass'. She grinned at me and offered to buy me a Coke. The rest, as they say, is history."
"That is priceless," Rachel gasped, wiping tears away from her eyes.
Quinn's eyes widened. "Rachel, you can't tell her that I told you that! She'll castrate me! Like seriously, she'll castrate me."
Rachel tried to control her giggles unsuccessfully so she just nodded.
Quinn huffed. "Ok, Miss Cheerio. Tit for tat. Tell me an embarrassing story about you."
Rachel grinned. "You may need to be more specific than that. Imagine everything you've heard about me."
Quinn did and grimaced at the unsavoury stories she'd caught snippets of in the locker room.
"Now imagine everything you haven't heard."
"Oh, crap."
She definitely hadn't expected it to feel this good. In her dreams it had been awesome, amazing, mind-blowing. In reality, feeling Santana's fingers inside her was just...
She had no words.
Brittany was kissing Santana feverishly as her edge came closer and closer. The Latina seemed to also be struggling to hold on. Part of her really wanted to know what it felt like to be inside her, but that would be going way overboard. She needed this. She just...she needed to feel this. She needed Santana out of her system.
Yeah, getting her to fuck you with her fingers seems like fine fucking dandy idea.
Brittany groaned and Santana quickly swallowed it, speeding up the penetration of her two digits. The change in pace made Brittany's legs buckle a little and they stumbled, Santana pushing Brittany against the opposite wall, her fingers still moving inside of her.
Her one leg lifted and hooked itself around Santana's waist, giving her more room to manoeuvre and allowing her to go even deeper. Brittany wrapped one arm just above her leg, anchoring the Latina to her and her other arm went around her neck. She buried her face in Santana's shoulder, muffling her sounds of pleasure.
She never expected it to feel this good.
God, how had she ended up with her fingers deep inside Brittany frigging Pierce? And why did it have to feel so good? Sure, once upon a time Santana had dreamed of doing just this, but this was wrong. It was wrong.
So stop.
She couldn't. And she hated herself for it.
Brittany's breathing was becoming more laboured as she held Santana tightly to her. Her fingers were slipping in and out so easily.
God, how is she this wet?
Using her thumb, she pressed Brittany's clit lightly, repeating the movement with a little more pressure until the cheerleader was quivering in her arms. Her breathing told Santana that she was very close, so she sped up again, massaging her clit until she could feel Brittany's walls grasping at her fingers desperately.
"Oh, God!" Brittany squeaked, her nails digging into Santana's neck as her orgasm overtook her.
Wow.
Santana was pretty sure she wasn't supposed to get that worked up. Her self-hatred just increased as she brought Brittany down slowly, the blonde not letting her go.
After about five minutes, her breathing had returned to normal, so Santana pulled her fingers out, the layers of blue material brushing her wet digits as her hand reappeared from underneath Brittany's dress.
Brittany dropped her leg to the ground and met Santana's eyes.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Santana wanted to be mad. What the hell was this? Had Brittany just used her? Ugh! She was such an idiot! How did she not think of that before?
So she set her jaw and just nodded, turning away and breaking out of the blonde's embrace.
"Wait."
Why she stopped she'll never know. She felt Brittany take her hand and pull her back to her. She tried to remain stoic. She tried to remain unattached.
But then Brittany kissed her. A kiss like before. An intimate kiss. A kiss that two lovers were supposed to share.
A kiss that she should not be sharing with Brittany.
Santana abruptly broke away, internally cursing herself for letting Brittany kiss her like that. As if what she'd done wasn't bad enough.
"Santana," Brittany tried.
The Latina just shook her head and pulled away, walking back to her car and grabbing her bag out of it. She slammed the door closed, her fury at her idiotic judgement taking center stage.
You are a fucking idiot, Santana Lopez. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you even feel guilty? You just cheated on your girlfriend – again! - with her best friend. There are special places in hell reserved for people like you.
She opened the front door and closed it quietly, ignoring the greeting from her mother and brothers as she took the stairs two at a time, running into her room and closing the door. She dropped her bag and leaned against the thick oak.
Her shoulders started shaking as the tears rolled down her face. She lost all strength to hold herself up and she slumped against the door, slowly dropping to the floor, crying.
"We should do this more often," Quinn decided. "I've never gotten to know any of Santana's girlfriends."
Rachel unlocked the doors to her Thunderbird. "Um, how many girlfriends might that be?"
Quinn arched an eyebrow. "You don't know?"
Rachel shrugged. "We figured that going through our relationship history would be pointless seeing as how I've never really had one and if I had to list all of my hook ups, we'd be here till new Years. And those are just the ones I remember."
"Jesus, Rachel," Quinn said with a laugh of disbelief. "How in the hell did you manage to snag Santana?"
"No, no, Quinn," Rachel corrected, opening her door. "The question is, how did Santana manage to snag me?"
"Ha!" the blonde scoffed. "Perhaps we should ask Santana's opinion?"
"No!" Rachel squeaked quickly, jumping in her car and waiting for Quinn to follow.
The blonde laughed heartily. "You are so whipped."
Rachel scoffed as she started her car. "No, I'm not."
"Uh huh. Santana is going to love me forever when I give her this info."
"No, don't!" Rachel begged. "Please! God, her teasing is bad enough at the best of times. Can you imagine what she would do if she found out that I actually am I little teeny tiny whipped?"
"Oh, just a little, huh?"
The cheerleader sighed. "Fine, more than a little. But come on, Quinn. Have you seen her? She's such so hot and sexy and that mouth-"
"I'm gonna stop you right there before I upchuck all over these lovely leather seats of yours."
Rachel promptly shut her trap and turned on her radio for the rest of the trip. She pulled up outside Quinn's house.
"Thanks for the coffee, Rach. I have to admit that I had fun."
"Me too. We should do this more often."
Quinn smiled warmly and got out the car. She waved as her best friend's girlfriend drove away.
Well that turned into an interesting afternoon.
Rachel sang as she made her way to Santana's house. She had a game that night and it would be the first time that her girlfriend would be there to see her cheer. She smiled at the thought of what they'd be doing after the game, especially with her dads leaving her all alone.
She pulled up behind Santana's car and skipped – yes, skipped – up to the door, knocking loudly three times.
Carmen opened the door and smiled at Rachel.
"Hi, Carmen," she said brightly. "How are you?"
"I'm good, Rachel."
The brunette stepped onto the porch, but Carmen didn't move. She frowned. "Is something wrong?"
"Rachel, I don't think now is a good time for Santana to be receiving visitors."
What?
"Is she sick? She said she wasn't feeling well and-"
"She just...she doesn't want to see anyone right now, ok? She asked me to tell you that she really wished she could see you in the game tonight, but maybe if she's feeling better, she'll see you tomorrow."
"Oh." To say she was disappointed would be an understatement. She stepped back onto the path. "Ok, well I guess if she's not feeling well..."
"Thank you for understanding, Rachel. I'm sure she'll be fine tomorrow. You still need to get used to her mood swings." She rolled her eyes dramatically and it made Rachel smile.
Ok, so this was something relatively normal for Santana. She just hadn't experienced it yet.
"Thanks, Carmen. I'll text her, but if you'll just tell her that I stopped by?" Rachel requested. "And that I'll miss her at the game tonight?"
Carmen nodded warmly. "Absolutely. Enjoy your evening, Rachel."
"And you."
Rachel walked back down the path to her car and, per chance, glanced back at Santana's window. The curtains were drawn and there was no sign of movement.
"I guess she really must be sick," she murmured, her brow creasing in worry. She pulled out her phone and typed a message.
Hey baby. Your mom just told me that you're not feeling well. I wish I could take care of you. Let me know if I can do anything to make you feel better, ok? I miss you. I'll be cheering for you tonight. Rach xxx
Yeah, ok. So what if she was whipped. Only Quinn needed to know that.
"Mija?"
Santana didn't answer her mother as she opened her bedroom door.
"Mija, Rachel was just here. She seemed really concerned."
Nothing.
She could hear her mother sigh and she knew it wasn't from exasperation, simply concern. And who wouldn't be – normally Santana ran through the house with verbal diarrhoea. The fact that she hadn't said anything in the hour that she'd been home was definitely cause for concern.
"Santana, I'm here if you need anything, ok, mi amor?"
She just sniffed and burrowed deeper underneath her covers. No one could help her. She was the absolute worst person in the world. And to top it off, Rachel had probably sent her an amazingly sweet message that she didn't deserve. She didn't deserve Rachel. She didn't deserve happiness. She deserved to rot in hell.
"Te amo," Carmen whispered. Santana felt her mother's lips against her barely visible head. "¿Qué demonios ha pasado?" she heard her mother whisper before closing the door quietly.
That just brought on another bout of tears. Her mother would be so disappointed in her. Santana adored her mother and that fact alone made her already hopeless situation seem even more hopeless.
Quinn had just got out the shower when her phone rang. She picked it up and frowned at the unusual caller.
"Hi, Carmen."
"Quinn, hi. Um, how are you?"
Now this was weird.
"I'm great, Carmen. How are you?"
"Fine, thanks."
Quinn frowned. Carmen never called her. Not even to find out where Santana was if she'd missed curfew or anything.
"Carmen, what's wrong?"
"Do you...could you come over?"
"Um, sure. I can do that. Is everything ok?"
"I think Santana needs you. Something's wrong. She's been holed up in her room for the last two hours. She hasn't even said anything."
Quinn frowned. That was odd. Even when she was upset, Santana would just tell everyone to fuck off. "I'll be there as soon as I can, Carmen."
"Thank you, Quinn. I really hope that you can figure out what's going on."
"Me too. See you in a bit."
Within fifteen minutes, Quinn was knocking on the Lopez's big front door. Angelo opened it and grinned that charming Lopez grin. Quinn couldn't help but smile back and roll her eyes.
"Quinn Fabray! What brings your pretty face to our humble abode?"
"Aren't you supposed to go and fetch Liz from work soon?" Carmen chided him as she hit him over the head.
"Jeez, mami!" Angelo whined.
Carmen shook her head and smiled gratefully at her daughter's best friend. "Thank you for coming," she said in a low voice, ushering her inside. "I haven't mentioned anything to the boys because you know they'll just demand to know who they need to kill."
Quinn giggled. "Some things will never change. And it's not a bad thing that they're so protective of her."
"No," Carmen agreed.
"So what happened?" Quinn asked, following Santana's mother up the stairs.
"I have no idea. She walked in, didn't say a word, ran upstairs and when I tried to open the door, I could hear her crying."
Crying? Santana? Something was seriously wrong. She never cried.
"Ok, I got this, Carmen. Do you think you could ensure that we're not disturbed?"
Carmen nodded. "Thank you, Quinn. I really appreciate this."
"She's my best friend. It's part of the package."
She watched the matriarch descend the stairs and leaned against Santana's door, but everything was quiet. Maybe she was sleeping? But Rachel had a game that night. Santana had mentioned how much she was looking forward to seeing her girl strut her stuff.
She quietly tried turning the door handle and was relieved to find it unlocked. She slipped inside the dark room and closed the door behind her. She waited a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the lack of light. There was a curled up bundle on the bed, buried underneath Santana's comforter.
Quinn slowly made her way to the bed and dropped her bag silently next to it. Santana was right in the middle, completely hidden, but she wasn't asleep because her breathing was quiet, but choppy.
"Hey, San," Quinn whispered, kneeling next to her bed.
The bundle moved slightly and a pair of eyes blinked at her.
"What are you doing here?" Santana croaked.
"Um, your mom called. She was really worried. She thought maybe you might need me."
Her best friend suddenly burst into tears. Quinn wasted no time in discarding her shoes and climbing onto the bed, pulling Santana into her lap. The Latina just curled into her and sobbed. Quinn stroked her back and hummed, letting Santana gather her own courage.
After about fifteen minutes, Santana settled down. Quinn was now really worried.
"San, what's going on?" she whispered.
Her best friend sniffed. "I...I fucked up, Quinn. I'm the worst person in the world."
The blonde's heart constricted. After what she'd witnessed earlier in the auditorium and how Brittany had suddenly disappeared moments after Santana, she suspected the worst. She didn't say anything though, just waited.
"I don't know what to do," Santana eventually whispered.
"Is this about you and Brittany?" Quinn ventured, really hoping that she was wrong.
Santana's silence confirmed her suspicions and she sighed.
"Just tell me what happened, ok?"
"I got home and she was suddenly there. She pulled me behind the garage and we..."
Oh, Jesus, Santana. Why, why would you do this to yourself? And Rachel?
"Sh-sh-she kissed me and I tried to stop. I told her that I d-didn't want to hurt Rachel."
But you did.
"I don't know w-why I couldn't stop myself. I know it was wrong. I kn-know that I'm a terrible person. It j-just...I couldn't."
Quinn had never heard her sound so lost. As much as her anger was spiking at what she had done, she felt she needed to hear the whole story.
"Santana, did you have sex with Brittany?"
The way she buried her face in her lap and started crying again made Quinn really struggle not to lose her temper. Santana was not an idiot. And she was a control freak. Quinn didn't believe for a second that she didn't have enough control to stop herself.
"Why, Santana?" she found herself whispering out loud.
"I know!" her friend sobbed. "I'm a terrible person. No excuse is good enough for what I did. It's inexcusable."
"It is," Quinn agreed. "What are you going to do?"
Santana was quiet for a while as she tried to regulate her breathing again. "I don't know," she eventually whispered.
Quinn huffed in frustration. "It's one thing to pretend that a kiss didn't happen, Santana, but this is crossing the line. You need to take responsibility for this. Ignoring it is not gonna cut it. Not this time."
Santana pushed herself up and looked at her incredulously as she wiped her tear-stained face. "I know that, Quinn. Why do you think I've been fucking crying for the last three fucking hours? I know that I fucked up. And it's killing me that this is going to hurt an amazing girl, no matter what I do."
"Are you and Brittany together or something?" Quinn asked.
"No," Santana said, her voice dropping to a whisper. She looked down. "No, whatever happened is never going to happen again."
"That sounds familiar," Quinn muttered.
"Jesus, Quinn! Who's fucking side are you on?"
"Rachel's!" Quinn snapped back. "Someone needs to be thinking about her in this mess because apparently you only think about your libido."
"Ok, first off, don't accuse me of not thinking about how this will affect her because that's all I've been doing. Second, I fucked Brittany. She didn't fuck me. So I wasn't thinking with my libido."
Quinn scoffed. "So you were thinking about Rachel when you fucked her best friend?"
"Jesus, no!" Santana said in exasperation. "Obviously not."
"Which means that you wanted to do it, Santana. The bottom line is you wanted to fuck Brittany and so you did. That is unacceptable, no matter how much you try and sugarcoat it."
"I feel like I'm talking to a wall," Santana muttered. "I know all of this, Quinn. So what do you suggest? That I tell Rachel and destroy the best relationship I've been in as well as her friendship with Brittany? Or that I keep it a secret and slowly kill myself with guilt."
"You should feel guilty! Rachel doesn't deserve this!"
Santana was crying tears of frustration. "Quinn, I fucking know! Ok? I feel like the worst person in the world. I care about Rachel so much and I regret every second of cheating on her."
"So why did you, then? You said you tried to stop, but you obviously didn't try very hard."
Santana took a calming breath and sat back against her headboard. "Can I ask you something?" she asked quietly.
"Hmmm," Quinn mused, arching a brow.
"When you and Puck...when you had sex, you said one thing led to another. Did you feel like you had control?"
Quinn contemplated Santana's question. She hadn't thought of it like that. And she realised that she sounded a little bit hypocritical. "I guess if I'm honest," she said carefully, hesitantly meeting curious brown eyes, "then no. It felt really good and I didn't want to stop."
Santana nodded and looked down at her fingers.
"But," Quinn felt the need to add, "I wasn't with anyone. I was single and I didn't have any responsibility to be faithful to someone."
"I know," Santana whispered. "But do you remember that feeling? Where you felt like nothing in the world mattered other than that moment with the person you were with because it felt so amazing?"
Quinn bit her lip. She did know that feeling. She had felt it. "San, if you're able to feel that with Brittany, should you even be with Rachel?"
"But I feel it with her too."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"So what are you going to do?"
Santana sighed and rubbed her face vigorously with her hands. "Brittany said that she wasn't going to say anything. But I can't keep this from Rachel. I won't lie to her. I hate that this is going to hurt her."
"Are you going to say that it was Brittany?"
"I...should I?"
Quinn shrugged. "That's your call. I would suggest you talk to Brittany, but seeing as how alone time between you two just ends in disaster, perhaps that isn't the best avenue."
"Hmmm," Santana mused. "What if I texted her?"
"You have her number?"
"Yeah, Rachel gave it to me in case I couldn't get hold of her or whatever."
"Then maybe you should do that."
Santana sighed. "How did I fuck this up so badly?"
Quinn paused. "San, do you have any feelings for Brittany?"
She watched as a myriad of emotions crossed her best friend's face. Even in the dark, they knew each other so well.
"When I'm with her, like the way we were, my body reacts. I'm attracted to her, yes. I don't deny that." She sighed. "As lame as it sounds, I feel like I'm addicted to her. But only when we're in those close quarter situations. She completely intoxicates me. I feel amazing when I'm with Rachel, but Brittany...I don't know. It's like I'm drunk and high and she's my fix." She huffs. "That sounds ridiculous."
"It does," Quinn agrees. "I've asked you this before. Would you try and attempt something more than whatever it is you've been doing with Brittany if you and Rachel were together?"
"She said that she's not attracted to girls, but that she can't stop thinking about me," Santana confessed quietly. "The way she kissed me...it felt like it was more than physical."
"And was it?"
"Yes, it was physical, but there were moments where we just looked at each other and I could see in her eyes that she was struggling with what she was feeling."
"Ok," Quinn said slowly. "So back to my question. Would you attempt a relationship with her?"
"Brittany? No." Santana shook her head. "She's so convinced that she doesn't like girls and hey, maybe she doesn't. Maybe I'm an exception or something. Like the forbidden fruit because I'm her best friend's girlfriend. But she is no way ready for anything emotional with me. Or any other girl."
"Do you want to be with her?"
That kept her mind occupied for a while and Quinn took the time to evaluate what Santana had described she was feeling. She could understand the intoxicating feeling of being with someone and not really being able to control the urge to just feel them. Her experience hadn't ended up the way she'd hoped. God, it had been an utter disaster. And now her best friend was going through the exact same thing. Was it ironic that the two people they'd lost themselves in used to be a couple?
"I want to be with Rachel," Santana eventually said, breaking Quinn out of her thoughts. "I want to be with her for the foreseeable future. As incredible as being with Brittany may feel, it's wrong. Besides the fact that I cheated, Brittany doesn't even know what she wants."
Quinn nodded in agreement. "San, I really hope that things work out for you and Rachel, but if you choose to keep this from her, I'm not going to support you."
"I know. I don't blame you." She sighed. "I need to talk to Brittany."
"Be careful, San. Please don't get sucked in."
"I won't." Her voice was determined. "Brittany needs to know that what happened between us was a mistake...again."
"Bet you didn't think this year would end up with me falling pregnant and you hooking up with the two most popular girls in school."
"I sometimes still can't believe it," Santana murmured. "Sometimes I hope that I'm just going to wake up from a really long dream and realise that I wasn't actually that stupid and irresponsible." She paused. "Rachel's going to be really worried. But I have to talk to Brittany before I can talk to her."
"I'll take care of Rachel," Quinn offered.
Santana raised an eyebrow.
"What? We went for coffee today and we got to chatting. She's actually really nice. Which is kinda why I'm really pissed that you cheated on her. Again."
"I know," Santana said, hanging her head in shame.
"Look, the two of them are cheering tonight so the chances of you getting anything from Brittany until tomorrow are slim. Sleep on it and deal with Wonder Barbie tomorrow."
Santana nodded. "Thanks, Quinnie. I know you're not very happy with what I've done – neither am I – but it means the world that you're still here."
"Yeah, yeah," Quinn brushed off with a smile. "Best friends and all that."
"I love you, Quinnie."
"Love you too, San."
A/N: Sooooo, what do you think? Obviously, the repercussions are far from over. I'll probably spend the next two chapters or so dealing with the Santana, Rachel and Brittany triangle (never thought I'd say that). Also, please don't think that I condone cheating because I absolutely do not.
Fic corner: Gotta read On Solid Ground. It is frigging amazeballs. The way this author writes Santana…pure genius. Also, 2859 by Halfrobotchicken. Daily updates. YES PLEASE :D
My plan this weekend is to (hopefully) get the second chapter of A Silent Song out…for that fic, they'll be long…way longer than anything I've written before so I'll need time to get the flow and structure right. But I do have beta responsibilities that I'm juggling as well...
-H