A/N: Hello, my lovelies :)

So glad to be back :)

Seeing as how I left you guys kinda hanging the last chapter, I figured we'd just get on with it…

Onward and up!

-H

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee :(

CHAPTER 21

Santana rubbed her eyes of the residual tears because she was pretty sure that they had fogged up her glasses. When she opened them again, she realised that it wasn't a dream. She was sitting in her own version of a nightmare.

Quinn moved towards her and she automatically took a step back. What the hell was her supposed best friend thinking? Her eyes flitted to where Rachel and Brittany stood, looking just as uncomfortable as she felt.

"What the hell, Fabray?" she snapped, not sure where her surge of energy to actually be angry had come from.

"Santana, look, you need to-"

"I don't need to do shit! Why would you do this? They obviously don't want to be here! Why make an already crappy situation even worse by trying to play the goddamn good Samaritan all the time?"

She knew she was being mean, but she couldn't control her emotions. They were just all over the place.

"Santana."

She looked at Rachel, who was also stepping forward. It was reflex – she took a step back. She felt like Rachel should want to hit her and she'd had enough slaps and punches from a certain blonde Cheerio to last her a lifetime.

"Santana, I'm not going to do anything," Rachel said quietly. "Look, shit is messed up right now, but we have Sectionals next week and we need-"

"Glee Club?" Santana interrupted in disbelief. "You called me here about Glee Club?"

"You love Glee Club," Quinn murmured.

"I do. But I'm also not an idiot. I'm the one that fucked everything up so the solution is simple."

Quinn's eyes widened as she realised what her best friend was going to do. "No, Santana-"

"I'm quitting. Done deal. I'm just…I'm bad news for three people in that club and I'm not about to make things even worse."

She turned around and walked quickly out of the choir room.

"Mija?"

Carmen peeked around her daughter's bedroom door and sighed when she saw the now familiar sight of Santana curled up on her bed in the dark.

"Santana, I'm really worried about you," she murmured, slipping inside of her bedroom. She wasn't used to being so out of the loop with her daughter.

"You shouldn't be," came a muffled mutter. "I'm just a horrible person. You shouldn't worry about me. I just hurt people and make mistakes."

What on earth happened to turn my vibrant, passionate daughter into this shell of herself?

As Carmen approached the bed, she saw Santana's phone light up from the nightstand. It was a text from Quinn. Carmen saw fifteen messages and six missed calls. She was glad that her friends seemed to be worried too.

"Please, talk to me, Santana," Carmen begged, kneeling next to her daughter's bed. "I can't stand seeing you so sad. It hurts me that I can't do anything."

"You shouldn't!" Santana suddenly sat up, her eyes narrowed in anger. "Don't you get it? I'm toxic. I'm bad news. I'm the worst fucking person in the history of the world. You shouldn't care about me because I'll probably just disappoint you too."

Wow.

"Santana Lopez, now you listen to me," Carmen said sharply, grabbing her daughter's firmly fisted hands and holding on tightly. "No matter what you do, no matter who you hurt for whatever reason, no matter how many times you think you disappoint me or anyone, I will always love you and I will always be here for you. That's what being your mother means. And right now, I'm done standing on the sidelines while I watch my Santana slowly disappear."

"Mami."

It was one word and it was the only word that Carmen needed to hear. In three seconds, she was on the bed, pulling her baby girl into her arms. Santana's arms went around her waist and she clung to her, sobbing violently. In her daughter's sixteen years of existence, she had never seen Santana break down like this. She was hurting really badly and Carmen had to try really hard not to cry with her. When her daughter hurt, she hurt. And Santana sounded heartbroken.

"Yo estoy aquí, mi amor. I'm not going anywhere, not ever. I promise, ok? Bueno?" She stroked her hair and started rocking Santana like she used to do when her daughter was still small enough to be picked up. Granted, none of those times had Santana weeping into her chest like she'd lost everything.

"Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento," Santana mumbled through her heartwrenching sobs.

"Oh, Santana, there's nothing to be sorry for. Everything can be fixed, mi amor."

"It can't!" she shouted into her chest. "It can't be fixed! I broke everything!"

Carmen swallowed and continued holding her daughter tightly to her, eventually humming a soft lullaby as she tried to sort her own thoughts out. Santana had always been strong-willed. She'd known from an early age what she believed to be right and wrong and she hated making mistakes. That wasn't to say that she was a perfectionist because she definitely wasn't. Quinn was the one to hold that title in their friendship. Her daughter had a strong conviction of her actions and she didn't do anything without thinking about it.

That particular quality had her extremely worried about what Santana had done, or claimed to have done. Her daughter seldom acted without considering the repercussions. Even the fight that had got her suspended had been justified in Santana's eyes and, to an extent, Carmen's too. Her daughter had put up with a lot of bullying and Carmen hated it, but Santana refused to do or say anything because she was adamant about protecting her friends. Carmen had never felt prouder of her.

What had Santana done that had gone against her morals and caused her to apparently do something that made her hate herself so much? She knew that Santana had been the one to err because if she was on the receiving end of the hurt, no way would she be curled up against her, crying her heart out. She'd be out there teaching someone a lesson they wouldn't forget.

"No me odies," Santana suddenly whispered, rubbing her face against Carmen's shoulder and fisting her shirt at the back where she still held onto her tightly.

"Never," Carmen whispered, placing a firm kiss on her daughter's forehead. "I love you. Siempre."

Santana groggily woke up before her alarm the following morning and suddenly realised that she wasn't alone in her bed. Her mom had an arm wrapped tightly around her waist from where she lay behind her and Fernando was laying on his back next to her. She looked down and saw that he still held her hand tightly.

A new wave of tears threatened to wash over her, but she was so tired of crying. Yeah, sure, this time it was love and appreciation that overwhelmed her, but she felt like she couldn't function anymore and it was just so…not her.

Fernando was the quietest of the Lopez boys and, being only three years older than Santana, they were very close. She still loved Miguel and Angelo to death, but she had a special relationship with Ferdie. He never once judged her for coming out in her freshman year, not that anyone in her family had. Even though he was a senior and a big shot on the football team, he protected and respected his little sister through everything. Santana would always have an extra special place for him in her heart because of his unwavering support at school. He'd been the most against her decision to approach the jocks and Cheerios and demand to be their only target. She knew that he'd tried talking to his teammates, but they wouldn't budge. Not once had her brother ever slushied her or any of her friends.

Her mom had held her until she'd fallen asleep, completely exhausted from her soul baring cry. She didn't hold anything in. She just let everything out and let her mom hold her and make everything better. Ferdie had walked past her room to go to his own and, without saying or hearing anything, walked in and lay next to Santana. He'd been there when she'd woken up at around midnight. She'd just stayed curled up against her mom as she listened to the two of them talk quietly.

It was then that she realised how much she was scaring her family with her unusual behaviour. As goofy as the Lopez clan were, they were very close and fiercely protective of each other. Santana had been so wrapped up in her own head that she hadn't realised what her sudden change in behaviour had done to her family. They were scared and that killed Santana. She'd unwittingly drawn them all into her web of deceit and betrayal and hurt because she'd been so self-involved.

She sighed and the movement caused her mom to stir. Santana burrowed back into her and felt the now familiar swell of emotion in her chest as her mom tightened her hold on her.

How did I manage to get the most amazing family in the world? I'm the one that fucks up, but here they are, being so incredibly supportive and loving. You need to make this right, Lopez. You need to come clean.

The thought terrified her. Coming out didn't even come close to the fear she felt at divulging her sins to her family. They thought the world of her – she knew that. She was the baby, but they all thought the sun shined out of her ass. She was smart, talented and beautiful. Triple threat.

Add heartbreaker to that list.

"Santa?"

Santana lifted her head and saw Angelo stretching from his position on her desk chair.

He slept here too? Holy crap, I'm gonna fucking cry again.

"You ok, hermana?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"No," Santana replied honestly, Her voice cracked from tiredness and all the crying she'd done. "I'm not."

"Well, you know we're here to help you get back to ok," he murmured, giving her the teddy bear look that she loved.

Angelo was seven when Santana was born and he took his bog brother role very seriously. He'd gone through a bit of a podgy phase during middle school and Santana had called him her teddy bear because he was slightly bigger and she'd loved being held by him. He was her teddy bear. He would sometimes give her a look and she'd know, in that instant, that he would take a bullet for her.

"Te amo, Angelo," Santana choked out.

The sound made Carmen sit up immediately. The arm around her waist lifted to brush Santana's hair from her face. She cradled her cheek in her hand.

"How are you feeling?" she asked quietly.

Ferdie squeezed her hand and she turned to see him looking her with an encouraging smile on his face.

She took a deep and very shaky breath. "Exhausted. I guess kind of in a good way. I just…I'm not in a good space right now. I…" Her shoulders slumped as she chickened out.

"Hermana, how about we have a family night tonight?" Ferdie suggested quietly. "No one else, just the six of us. If you want to talk to us, then you can. You know we love you no matter what and we'll be there to listen. Just listen."

Santana just nodded because she sure as hell didn't trust herself to speak. Her throat felt so very tight as she tried so hard not to cry again. They were so supportive and so loving, but they didn't even know what she'd done. And what she'd done was terrible. She was petrified that once she told them about cheating on Rachel that they would hate her.

Loyalty was big with the Lopez family. Like really big. Everything that Santana had learnt as a child had been based on that value. And here she was, going against what they esteemed to be the most important thing in the world. What if they were disappointed? What if they just looked at her and didn't say anything?

Or worse…what if they hated her?

"Mija. Santana, calm down. Please, mi amor, just breath."

It was her mom's voice. Santana suddenly realised that she was breathing really quickly and couldn't seem to relax.

"She's having a panic attack," Carmen said quickly, moving away from her and gently letting her lay down.

Santana felt like she had lost control of her body. Her breathing was picking up and her fists were clenched tightly. Her body was coiled into a stiff line and she just wanted to cry at how helpless she felt. Her breathing was starting to hurt her chest.

"Mami, what…? We have to do something!" Angelo said in a scared voice.

"Angelo, we need to be calm. Santana needs to feel that we are calm and that we are all here for her, no matter what."

"But, look at her! Her body is completely rigid!"

"Mijo, I know what I'm doing, ok? We can't restrain her. Touching isn't advised, even if the intention is just to relax her."

Santana felt someone rest his hand lightly over her fist and, in the corner of her eye, she saw Ferdie sit on the edge where he'd been sleeping. She felt tears of frustration streaming out of her eyes and onto her pillow.

"Santana, my love, you don't have to be scared. I promise you, I promise, that whatever you tell us, I will love you no less. Nothing that you say or do with diminish the overwhelming love that I have for you and for my boys too. Ok, Santana? I understand that you're worried and scared and you hate yourself for whatever it was that happened and it's fine that you're hurt and angry about it."

Santana just focused on her mother's calm, soothing voice. Everything else was forgotten.

"Your brothers aren't going to let you go that easily, either," Ferdie added. Santana managed to turn her head slightly. "You're our hermana menor and it will always be that way. You know we love you and you love us, despite all the crazy shit we do and how we drive you crazy. Well, how Angelo and Miguel drive you crazy."

Santana felt the urge to laugh and her chest lightened immediately. She felt her quick breaths starting to slow down.

"Ugh, I remember when Miguel got his licence," Carmen said with a teasing groan. "I told your father that he shouldn't have been driving the Lexus."

Angelo chuckled. "Did we ever find that front tyre?"

"Yeah, it ended up four houses down."

Santana suddenly laughed and three pairs of dark brown eyes looked down at her with relief. She slowly pushed herself into a sitting position with some help from Ferdie.

"You told him that the next car he drove was going to be one that he bought himself," she said, still a little wheezy.

Carmen sat next to her and smiled. "Welcome back."

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"Don't be," her mother replied simply. "Sometimes our bodies have a strange way of reacting to how we're feeling. You and Ferdie are very similar. You like to internalise things, thinking that you're strong enough to deal with it on your own." She took Santana's right hand, her left still covered by Ferdie's. "I understand that about you two and I let you work things out by yourselves. There are times, though, when you need to realise that your family is here for you and that we will not judge you when you make a mistake."

"What if the mistake is a really bad one?" Santana whispered, looking down at her jeans. She was still wearing them from the previous day.

"Regardless of how big or small your mistake may be, Santana, we're still going to love you and be there for you as you work through the consequences."

"It's hard." Santana squeezed her eyes closed.

"Duh," Angelo said in that know-all attitude that Santana usually hated, but now felt comforted by. "It wouldn't be life if it was easy. And you wouldn't learn anything if you didn't feel really shit about it. That tells me that even though you made a mistake, you regret it and you do want to make things better, but you just don't know how."

He looked at Carmen and then back to the bed, where Santana and Ferdie were giving him matching looks of disbelief.

"What? I know stuff."

"I agree with Angelo," Carmen said with an appreciative smile in his direction. "And we'll discuss it more tonight, all right, mija?"

Santana nodded and took a slow, deep breath to calm her still racing heart.

"You ok to head to the big house?" Ferdie asked softly.

She had to smile at the Lopez nickname for McKinley. The sense of familiarity with the three people in her room, as difficult as things were, made her feel infinitely better.

She just had to hang onto that feeling and make it through the day.

Brittany sighed impatiently and allowed herself to be pulled into the choir room. She was spending far too much in this room outside of regular Glee practices.

"Have you heard anything?" Rachel asked Quinn, who was already sitting down.

Brittany twisted her wrist out of Rachel's grasp and flopped onto a chair. Why did she have to be there for a Santana intervention? Or whatever the hell they were calling it.

"No, she didn't answer any of my calls or texts," Quinn replied, worryingly chewing her bottom lip. "I even went over to her house, but no one answered the door."

Rachel folded her arms and furrowed her brows. "I knew that things were…hard, but I never expected her to quit Glee to try and make things easier for me," she murmured.

Not just you, Berry.

Brittany was all too aware of Santana's double meaning when she'd announced her departure from Glee the previous day. She was trying to make things easier for all of them. Obviously something had gone down between her and Queen Quinn and well…her issues with Santana would remain between the two of them because no way was she ever letting Rachel find out.

"Morning, ladies," Ms. Sylvester greeted, walking into the room. "Did you three book the room? I don't recall seeing anything on the roster."

"Uh, no, Ms. S. This is more a…search and rescue meeting," Quinn replied.

Ms. S frowned. "What's wrong?"

Quinn and Rachel looked at each other nervously and Brittany rolled her eyes.

"Santana quit," she stated simply.

"I'm sorry?" Ms. S queried, her brows furrowing.

"Santana quit," Brittany repeated. "You know, left Glee, departed, left the building in homage to Elvis. Whatever, I don't speak Gleek."

"Jesus, Britt! This is actually quite serious," Rachel snapped.

"Why?" She couldn't fathom why her best friend would be fighting to keep her ex around her more when the little time they did spend in the same room was riddled with tension.

"Because Sectionals is in two weeks and Santana is our golden girl," Ms. S murmured.

"Oh, wow, thanks, Ms. S," Quinn scoffed.

"You know what I mean, Quinn. You're our frontrunner, but Santana holds the show together. She's the glue when you're centrestage."

"Yeah." Quinn sounded defeated.

"Santana is our magic," Ms. S said for Brittany and Rachel's benefit. "She's like the cheerleader for New Directions. Anything that may go wrong, Santana deals with it and everyone's happy. When it comes to competitions, Santana guarantees that we're at our best."

"So why not just give her solos and let her take over the show?" Brittany asked.

"Because she doesn't want the spotlight," Quinn replied, sending a small glare her way. "She never has. She knows that she's talented. Heck, anyone with ears knows that she's talented, but she only sings because she enjoys it so much and because New Directions is where she can be accepted for who she is. It's her home away from home. And she appreciates that."

"We need her for Mad World, Ms. S," Rachel said earnestly. "I don't know much about show choir and how the competitions work, but if we do that, I just know we'll win."

Ms. S nodded and sighed. "I'm not sure how much sway I'll have with her, though, ladies."

"Rachel," Quinn said, "I know that this would be asking a lot, but-"

"I know what you're gonna say," Rachel cut in. She let out a quick breath. "I'll talk to her."

Say what?

"Rach, are you sure that's a good idea?" Brittany ventured. "I mean, she-"

"Brittany, I believe that it's Rachel's decision to make. You hardly have any ground to stand on when it comes to Santana."

What the fuck? Damage control!

"Just because they can't seem to keep their hands off each other whenever they cross paths doesn't mean that Brittany should just be left out of the loop," Rachel replied.

Brittany frowned. Huh? Did I hear that wrong?

Quinn looked just as perplexed.

Hang, does that mean that Rach doesn't know it was me? Obviously Queen Quinn does and I will cut a bitch for almost outing me.

Her conscience snickered at the unintentional play on words.

"Um, Rachel, what exactly are you referring to?" Quinn asked carefully.

Yes, please tell us. Cos if you really knew, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be talking to me.

"Britt and Santana fighting every time they're in proximity," Rachel replied. She raised an eyebrow. "Why? What else would I be referring to?"

"No, that's what I thought," Quinn replied smoothly. "I can never keep up with the crap that those two get up to so I just wanted to make sure."

Nicely done. Hang on-

"Hey, I'm sitting right here," Brittany protested.

"She's hardly wrong, B," Rachel commented.

Brittany just shook her head and inspected her nails. "So, is this intervention or whatever done?"

Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Thank you for doing this, Rachel," Ms. S said genuinely. "I know that something has obviously happened between you and Santana, and you stepping out of your comfort zone means a lot to me and to New Directions. I'm pretty sure you guys have noticed that Santana means a lot to the club."

Rachel nodded and Brittany just raised her eyebrows.

This is retarded. I feel guilty enough, ok? I don't need to sit around and listen to how amazing Santana Lopez is.

"Quinn, do you know what her first period is this morning?" Rachel asked.

"Yeah, we have English Lit with Mr. Perry. She'll probably be in homeroom, though."

"Ok, I'll head over there and see if I can convince her to come back," Rachel said quietly.

Brittany felt a twist in her gut. Her best friend looked freaked out. She was scared and hurt and angry and the confusing emotions obviously didn't help her nerves.

"You'll be fine, Rach," she offered quietly.

The brunette nodded, seemingly encouraged with her vote of confidence, and walked out of the choir room.

"I'll leave you ladies to it, then." Ms. S stepped into her office and closed the door.

Brittany was surprised that Quinn actually managed to wait a full five seconds before blowing up at her. "What in the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed. "You are just as responsible for this mess as Santana, yet you're lying to your best friend and letting my best friend take the fall completely! What kind of person does that, Brittany?"

Brittany stood up, thankful for her height. She glared down at Quinn. "I don't have to answer to you, Queen Quinn." She spun on her heel and stalked towards the door.

"Maybe not today, but one day you will have to accept responsibility for what you did."

Her walking slowed as she heard Quinn's final words, but she just held her head high and continued out of the room.

Rachel tried to control her breathing as she stood outside the door of Santana's homeroom. She knew that her ex was inside; she'd taken a fleeting look inside to check.

You can do this. Just pretend that she's another person. Forget your history. Forget everything that happened. You're just talking to another student.

It was the only way that she felt like she was going to survive whatever was about to happen.

Come on, Berry. Just do it. Get it over with.

She took a final deep breath and stepped inside the classroom. Santana was hunched over her books, the hood of her brother's hoodie virtually obscuring her face.

But Rachel knew it was her.

"Hey."

Ok, good. Voice was good. Not shaky, not murderous. So far, so good. Then Santana looked up.

Rachel couldn't contain the gasp of surprise as how haggard, she supposed was the best word, Santana looked. Exhausted didn't even cover it. She looked like she'd been to hell. And back.

Santana's eyes widened slightly behind her glasses before she dropped her head again. Rachel could see how white her knuckles became as she gripped the pencil in her hand tightly. Part of her wanted to read out and soothe those knuckles, and she hated herself for that.

So much for treating her like any other student.

It had been a pointless plan. She couldn't forget Santana. She couldn't forget the amazing weeks they'd had together and she definitely couldn't forget Santana showing up at house on Saturday morning and breaking her heart.

She couldn't and she wouldn't.

Rachel cleared her throat and walked right up to Santana's desk.

"I know things are…weird right now, but I'm here on behalf of the Glee Club," she began.

Santana looked up, her expression confused.

"You have to come back. We need you to…do the thing that you do," Rachel finished lamely and frowned at herself.

"What thing?" Her voice was soft.

"Ms. S says that you're, like, magic or something. Look, Quinn and I have an idea for a song that we think you'd sound amazing on. So, please, come back and just hear our idea? Maybe just…I dunno. Just give it a chance. You love Glee. You…you didn't have to quit because of me."

"I…"

Santana dropped her head, anything she wanted to say lost with her apparent courage. Rachel was pretty sure that nothing that she said would qualm the flame that burned in her chest.

"I'll be there," Santana eventually said quietly.

"Cool," Rachel said, turning around immediately.

"Why did you come?" Santana asked suddenly. "I mean, why you? Why not Quinn or Ms. S?"

Rachel sighed and turned around. "Because this is hard for both of us and I enjoy Glee Club enough to stay there even if you're there. But it's going to be awkward for everyone if we continue stepping on eggshells around each other. Make no mistake, Santana, you are in no way forgiven. I am still so fucking hurt and angry and that won't go away overnight." She took a breath. "But, for the sake of everyone around us, we should at least attempt being civil."

Santana just nodded shortly. "Ok. Um, after school in the choir room?"

"Yup."

"I'll, um, I'll see you guys there."

Rachel didn't say anything and turned around again, heading for the door. Once outside, she leaned against the wall and took deep breaths. If she'd continued walking instead of stopping, she wouldn't have heard Santana whisper to the empty classroom. Even with students milling about, Rachel could pick it up, almost like she was meant to hear it.

"I miss you."

A/N: You know…I've read a lot of stories, not just fics, where something goes wrong and the person who's hurt never has anyone. We've seen that Quinn and Brittany have pretty unsympathetic parents, but I never wanted the Lopez family to be like that.

This was an incredibly emotional chapter for me to write. Coming from a super close family, this kind of unwavering love and support is something I am, fortunately, familiar with. I never take it for granted and I often feel like I don't deserve it. But even then, they're always there.

I want to say to anyone reading this, you will always have a family here. I've seen people relate to fics on this site because the outside world just doesn't understand. We understand. And we accept you for who you are. Because what you are is BEAUTIFUL. And everyone makes mistakes.

I know this was super angsty, but considering what's happening, I think it's appropriate…

I'm kinda spent after writing this, so if you want to find out about my novels, you can check out my Tumblr.

Until next time…

-H

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